A young Qatari billionaire, Mohammad Bate-Al-Aroundim, has announced lavish plans to regenerate East Tyrone as a Mecca for Tyrone football which includes an ambitious plan to build a 30’000 seater stadium in Brocagh overlooking Lough Neagh and Mountjoy Castle.

Aroundim, who made his money selling water filters and wooden pallets before moving onto oil and stuff, has tabled a robust bid which includes a big machine to suck up midges on matchdays, half time entertainment in the form of music that’s big in that area right now such as Culture Club, Madness and ZZ Top, as well as a £9m initiaive to fill in all the pot holes around the surrounding area as far north as Ballinderry.

Brocagh clubman Noddy Davidson has welcomed the bid but is unsure if the man from Qatar knows what he’s buying:

“Aye he keeps going on about having adverts set up when they are taking corners and having celebrities do the kick-off. He might think it’s soccer but we’ll say nothing yet til the stuff is built and the money is in the account. Derrylaughan will be ripping. All they have are swings and slides, sure.”

Bate-Al-Aroundim has also asked for the Brocagh captain to consider wearing a lacy gown if they win the Junior.

The Christmas Draw has been boosted to £500’000 from the original £500 by an anonymous source. Second prize is now a camel instead of a turkey.