Monthly Archives: June 2021

Trillick Man Wrecks Shop After Being Asked Too Many Questions At Check-Out

A Trillick octogenarian was arrested this afternoon after wrecking the tills at a shop in the village following a series of questions by the cashier.

Mattie Donaghy (82) blew his top after the 5th question, overturning the chewing gums and stomping on Tracker bars. Police were called when he set upon the sherbet dips.

An onlooker explained what made Donaghy reach tipping point:

“I could see he was already flustered by the time he arrived at the till. Yer woman asked him

‘Do you require a bag today sir?’

Donaghy was already balancing his goods as well as a very obvious pink Tesco bag and told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need a bag. She then asked,

‘Do you have any fuel, sir?’

He started to steam at this stage and told yer woman that he hasn’t driven since 1998. She added:

‘Do you want sauce for your sausage roll?’

Donaghy started swearing at this point and told her to just ‘fill the fcukin bag for fcuk sake’.

When she asked him if he wanted a receipt he then flipped and wrecked the chewing gums. All hell broke loose after that.”

The shop have yet to comment but Wrigleys have stated that they’re disappointed their chewing gums were upturned.

Jesus ‘Probably Would Have Hated Derry’ Declares Controversial Kildress Priest

A north Tyrone priest, who was threatened with a defrocking in 1993 after denouncing Derry’s All Ireland title as ‘the work of the devil’, has incurred the wrath of the Vatican again after declaring that Jesus Christ probably would have hated Derry as he was allergic to oak and allegedly had a run-in with a member of the Doherty clan who refused to pay for work done, during his time as a carpenter near Galilee.

Fr Teague, a 69-year-old ex-doorman, joined the priesthood in his 30s after becoming disillusioned with the slagging he was getting at the door of the Pink Pussycat nite club in Cookstown, especially from lads from Magherafelt.

During his homily last weekend which was streamed online, he stated:

“I’m nearly sure Jesus the Lord himself would have detested Derry and Derry GAA especially. He had a horrible experience from Derry ones when he was earning a living. He put down floorboards in a house in Galilee. A Derry family had moved there because it sounded like Galliagh in Derry city. They never paid him. Pure Derry behaviour that.”

The Vatican has given Fr Teague a final warning and have told him to stop using Christianity to get at Derry.

In other news, Bonnie Tyler has bought a house in Brocagh as a second home. She has asked for privacy and will shoot anyone selling tickets.

INTERVIEW WITH….Mike Tyson

Mike, what are your fondest memories of your time in Tyrone?

Where’s that?

Tyrone, it’s in Ireland 

I was never in Ireland

Yes, you were.  In 1987.  You opened a youth boxing Gym in Omagh. You gave medals out to a ladies football team in Cookstown. You wrapped a Ferrari around a lamp post in Castlederg.  Your tiger had to be shot with a dart in Edendork Primary School playground. It was on CNN and everything…

Oh yeah.  I remember…  those were crazy days man.  I partied for weeks straight back then.  My memory is a little hazy.  I once called the Pope ‘Bono’ live on TV.  That got me into hot water.  Ireland… Tyrone, yeah, I remember.  It was COLD man.… What was that guy’s name, the guy with the real thick glasses… ?

Dennis Taylor?

Arty someone

Art McCrory?

That’s it. Big Art. He got me doing laps with the senior guys’ ball team, and had me show them how to throw a left hook and catch the chin on the way back with your elbow.  That guy was ace.  He got me eating seals meat and everything.  Very chewy but pure protein.  Was great.  Was the only solid to pass my lips for a fortnight.

You mean eels?

Eels!  That was it.  Man good times.  I also battered a man in a bar ‘cause he called me Michael Jordan.  I mean Jordan was only in high school in ’87.  He wasn’t even famous.  That hurt me.

The Battery Bar?

What?

Never mind… what did you think of the Tyrone women?

Ah maaaan.  Rough! Hard as boots man.  I mean pretty, but they took no shit. This one time, a chick said she would bet me quarter of a million dollars she could do more press ups than me.  She couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight.  I mean I was world champ, the baddest man on the planet, and here was this little thing challenging me… by the time I stopped laughing, I got straight down and did like 150 in one go.  All the old guys in the bar just nodded and sat back in their stools.  One turned his cap backwards.  I left the bar when her count was at 650 and left a cheque for her.  They hammered my car on the way out.  I was later told she was broke and got to 1000 before they stopped her.

Anything else for us, this is good stuff Mike…

Man.  I can’t remember much of them days now man.  My brain was frazzled a lot of the time.  I do recall my last day in Ireland waking up under a big stone cross beside a huge big puddle…

Lough Neagh, Ardboe?

What?

Never mind, please go ahead…

Yeah, well this big black cloud of flies came at me, and I thought it was like the spirit of death or something.  I bailed into a truck and paid a local $500 to take me straight to Dublin airport.  I dint even go to collect my clothes or anything.  That was a hairy hangover.  I don’t know how you guys stick it there.  And the cold.  Man it was freezing the whole time.

It was August Mike, there was a heat wave that year.

Well, I won’t be back in a hurry.  No wonder you guys are all a little cracked.  It’s like the rocks and hills pull your heads inwards or something…  Before I go, what ever happened that little press up chick?

She’s putting it up to the DUP

What?

Never mind…

[Join us next week when we unveil our exclusive Matthew McConaghey interview, where he tells us all about the jeans that made him famous]

INTERVIEW WITH….Jennifer Aniston

TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA

Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.

HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?

I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?

Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.

ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?

Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?

To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).

Aniston in The Plum
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Dungannon Plasterer Fed Up Working From Home. All Walls 1m Thicker Now.

A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.

Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.

Maguire admitted:

“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”

Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.

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