After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.
In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.
On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.
Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:
“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”
This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.
A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.
Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.
“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”
Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.
Ambitious plans to build an hotel in Galbally by ‘the end of the year’ by local lunatic, Peader Johnson, may actually be passed in time for work to begin on Sunday at the latest. The sleepy hamlet, which vies for tourism with nearby Cappagh, has been devoid of visitors since 2008. Johnson, an unemployed plasterer, was said to have ‘thrown the head up’ in the bar last week and decided to submit plans for a luxurious hotel to be built on a piece of land behind the pub. Bar manager Johnny Tally was impressed by Johnson’s plans:
“Jayz it sounds great like. Peader’s a bit of a header but he means well and if he manages to pull this off we’ll erect a statue in his honour. To be honest, it’s a bit depressing here. I’ve had the same dozen customers for four years now and even they’re getting sick at the sight of each other. Them Cappagh fcukers have the market cornered with their outdoor natural spa and mountain. Where they got the mountain idea from I don’t know but it was a genius stroke, all those millions of years ago.”
Johnson’s plans include provision for a 10-room suite with gold sofas, cushions, gilt mirrors and chandeliers. A grand foyer will dazzle the eye with an elaborate floor made of four kinds of marble from the Bahamas. The 15-metre-long living room will hold a baby grand piano. The vast entertainment centre will come with a full-service bar. Throw in the eye-popping balcony views of Pomeroy and Kildress, a butler and it’ll be hard to turn down the £25’000 a night offer.
Local convenience store owner Mary McCann wasn’t completely in favour:
“Listen, I’m all on for people coming to Galbally. It would be great to se people like Sean Connery and Gandhi coming here and spending all their money. That’s fine. It’s just that my store only does the papers, bread and a slap of milk. Them foreigners will be asking for queer things like salami and celery. And probably Amazonian camel’s piss. Can’t be scundered with that craic.”
Johnson claims he has a few lads from Cappagh with experience of plastering at GNVQ level.