Monthly Archives: April 2020

Terror In Tyrone To Continue As Windmill GAC Likely To Reform In 2021

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Most feared sight in Ireland

Clubs up and down the county are currently coming to terms with news that, when life returns to some form of normality, Windmill GAC may be playing Junior football in 2021 and may have already started training.

Although O’Neills have refused to confirm or deny their involvement, jerseys sporting the feared Windmill logo and design have already been spotted in and around Coagh and further afield. Uruguay, who based their aggressive 1950s style on Windmill after one of their players married a girl from Drummullan, is apparently awash with Windmill jerseys and its population is said to be beside themselves with excitement at the news.

In a statement read by hooded men this morning over Skype, reasons for their return were spelt out in a clear and concise manner:

“Football has gone soft. We, at the Windmill, cannot sit back and watch men dive and wave imaginary black cards any more. The only cards we dealt in were Mass Cards before a game, as a warning. Also, there has been serious breeding going on recently in families with the Windmill in their blood. O’Neills, Grahams, Martins, Devlins, Quinns and Herons. All mobilised. All raring to give lads a good reason to dive.”

The Windmill people haven’t seen any football in the area since their infamous friendly with Moortown in 1988 which saw a 130 man and woman brawl which lasted over two days down at the Wee Line.

Referees have today asked for better protective clothing for 2021. Mickey Harte is also considering not picking any Junior League players next year just in case.

RTE To Stream Classic Sunday Masses From The 60s & 70s Over Easter Week

an_old_catho_gathersinRTE bosses have attempted to remedy the effect the current lockdown conditions are having on Mass-goers by streaming some of the best Masses from the 60s and 70s ever seen in Ireland. 

Starting on Easter Sunday at 7am, their online streaming service will begin with a classic Mass held in Bundoran in 1974 which lasted nearly two hours and had singing and all from the local choir. It includes the hilarious moment when a ginger altar-boy set his own hair on fire when lighting the candles at the start.

Locally, a Mass from Pomeroy in 1978 will be shown on Tuesday at 7pm which was at the time recognised as one of the quickest ever Sunday Masses, lasting 18 minutes. It coincided with the World Cup Final which was being held in Argentina and played at midday GMT.

RTE Streaming CEO Henry Bogue explained:

“Lots of us are really missing Mass at the minute so we’re allowing those in need to binge on some of the greatest Masses ever celebrated on this island by some talented clergy. We hope these classics will bring a smile to our faces and people can even watch them with a mineral, crisps and even a beer.”

RTE have warned viewers that any illegal videoing of the Classic Masses series will be punished severely by either the police force or God himself.

Plumbridge Man Who Tried To Raise Spirits By Singing Wagon Wheel From Doorstep Told To ‘Shut The F**k Up’ By Neighbours

220_F_330548028_XnqqAG8UwDhQPhRfwT9ZGFYex4p1gRS3Inspired by scene from balconies in Italy, a Plumbridge tree surgeon was cut down in his tracks by angry neighbours after trying to sing ‘Wagon Wheel’ to cheer people up. 

Scenes soon deteriorated as more neighbours came out to tell the other neighbours to shut up themselves. Within 20 mins, police were called to the village as over 200 people were shouting bad words at each other to the backdrop of an out-of-tune Wagon Wheel.

Jackie Coyle (46) admitted he was overwhelmed with emotion when he witnessed various Italian communities come together in song and music and thought it would do The Plum good to try the same.

“I didn’t think I’d have received the reaction I did. I had hardly finished ‘Rock Me Mama’ when someone shouted ‘shut the f**k up’ and fired what looked like a tricycle in my direction. Soon he was joined by others as I continued to sing. Then loads came out to tell the first crowd to shut up, only using worse language”.

Coyle maintains that he will be undeterred and promises to do a rendition of Johnny Logan’s ‘What’s Another Year?’ on Easter Sunday but will wear protective clothing such as a helmet and some kind of body shield.

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