Monthly Archives: August 2014

Standard Of Tea At Wakes On The Wane. Sandwiches Poor Too.

Wakes when they were good craic

Wakes when they were good craic

Several wake fanatics have finally spoken out concerning the issue of the deteriorating standard of tea at wakes across the county and predicted mourners will stop going if the trend continues.

In addition to the beverage scene, the quality of sandwiches have also come under negative scrutiny with one wake-goer calling them ‘a pile of shite’. Thirdly, 95% of wake-goers now say they are no craic to attend now.

88-year old chief mourner Kitty Campbell from Coalisland fumed this morning:

“I’ve had enough of the crap I’m being served at these wakes nowadays. Last week I attended six wakes, four of which I hadn’t a clue who the deceased was but at least I made the effort to nosey around the house. At one of them I had to wait over six minutes before being offered a cup. Six minutes. And when it came it was that oul weak stuff you get from sharing the one teabag between about half a dozen cups. I near walked out in disgust.”

Campbell was also critical of the sandwiches on display:

“I think I can say without contradiction that I’ve not had a decent sandwich at a wake since 2008. I was at two wakes yesterday and was given what they called a ‘beef sandwich’ at one. There was no beef in it for I opened it up and took out my glasses. I was that mad I threw it across the room and it landed on the coffin lid. That got the message across I’d say.”

Campbell concluded that it was ‘hardly worth dying now’ because of the embarrassment of her family’s catering abilities.

Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that wakes will re-introduce alcohol and fiddles to liven up the whole process a bit.

‘Scundered’ Parents Made Children Queue Outside School For Four Days Before Opening

Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.

Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.

Several parents in Brocagh have admitted they were at the end of their tether with the summer holidays after it emerged they made their children camp outside the gates of their local primary school since Monday for the opening today.

News of the extreme measures emerged after teachers arrived at St Jacob’s this morning to be met with 13 tents and conditions described like ‘a Glastonbury Festival for Toddlers’ with sweet wrappers and bottles of mineral strewn across the school hedges.

Headmaster Hughes admitted that this year seemed to be worse than others:

“In previous years we’d have had parents sending pupils maybe two days early and telling them to walk ‘deadly slow’ to school. But this year, what with the bad weather and nothing on the TV, they seem to have shipped the children out a lot earlier. They even set up Portaloos and soup kitchens which I suppose shows how thoughtful and caring parents are around these parts.”

Mother Hillary Carney revealed she felt no guilt and argued it will make a man of her son Tommy:

“We were scundered by the time August had arrived. After the boys exited the championship, the weekends were fairly bleak. Last week we took the children to look at the Old Cross at Ardboe in the pouring rain for the 3rd time in a month. Listen, it’ll toughen them up. Four days in the Brocagh wilderness, fighting the elements and wild badgers can bring a 6-year old on leaps and bounds.”

Meanwhile, Master Hughes revealed they will be bringing back Latin, slapping, sums, Greek classics, sewing, dominoes, shouting and going to the toilet in a tin bucket in order to ‘instil a bit of old-fashioned discipline in society around the lough shore’.

 

Annaghshee Household On Red Alert As Parent Accidentally Cuts Toast Into Triangles Instead of Squares

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Tensions were said to be at breaking point in the Annaghshee housing estate in Dungannon, following a near-fatal error by a parent who incorrectly cut up jammy toast for her 4-year old daughter Caitlin.

“I don’t know what I was thinking”, said distraught mother Susan McGoldrick.

“I was so busy making sure I used the jam that’s got no bits in it, that I cut it into triangles and not squares. I forgot that she doesn’t like triangles anymore since she saw her big cousin, who’s 6, eat sandwiches that were cut into squares. I tried to backtrack saying that it was actually her da’s toast and not hers, but it was too late. The damage was done. She went absolutely ape shit. How will I live with myself?”

The episode prompted the 4-year old Caitlin to go into a near-apoplectic fit, which included screaming, stamping of feet, tears streaming down the face and, at one heart-stopping point, flailing of arms.

Tara melt down in Annaghshee

Tara melt down in Annaghshee

The stand-off, which local press have already nicknamed ‘Toastgate’, continued late into mid-morning, with local neighbour and Councillor Sean McGill being quickly summoned to the scene. McGill was able to talk to reporters during short breaks in negotiations.

 “It’s tara boys, I have to tell ye”, as he mopped sweat from his brow with a Thomas the Tank Engine serviette. “It’s a knife edge in there. To make matters worse, wee Caitlin’s got hold of the remote control and she’s started waving it about. If she accidentally deletes all of the Game of Thrones that her big sister’s taped, then Caitlin’ll be the least of our worries.  Jays, I’ve never encountered anything as hard as this. And I used to sit on the Parades Commission”.

The delicate negotiations began shortly after 10am, with Caitlin’s father Peter trying to diffuse the situation by offering unlimited Cheerios and two Jammy Dodgers, to no avail. They later made some headway with a further concession of three back-to-back episodes of Strawberry Shortcake and a stay-over at Granny McGee’s next weekend, which was met with sniffles and folded arms, but fewer tears.

However, latest reports indicate matters taking a turn for the worse from an unexpected source, when father Peter foolishly advised Caitlin that ‘Mummy was a stupid bat for making her feckin’ toast all wrong”.

Galbally’s First ‘Chess Boxing’ Competition Takes Place. No-one Knows How To Play Chess.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A brand new sport was introduced in Galbally last night at the Community Centre, as locals participated in ‘Chess Boxing’, a hybrid sport that combined chess with boxing in alternating rounds.

“We’ve tried some of these hybrid sports before, with mixed success”, said Fergal Tiernan, who organised and refereed the event. “We tried Cage-Fighting Gymnastics last year which was quite good, although Archery Wrestling didn’t end very well. And the less said about Karate Skydiving the better. We got the timing of the rounds wrong. Jays, that was a messy one to red up. Still, you’ve got to try these things”.

The Chess Boxing competition involved eight competitors, although Tiernan immediately encountered challenges.

“Aye, only one of them could play chess. We forgot this was Galbally. The rest were just there for the fighting really, and the free Tayto afterwards”.

Tempers boiled over when one of the competitors, 52-year old Oisin McShea, refused to learn the rules of chess, saying that he would involve himself in no loyalist scheme involving a Queen, King, or any other member of royalty, regardless of whether or not they were made of moulded plastic.

Galbally Community Centre, last night

Galbally Community Centre, last night

In fact, the only competitor able to play chess was Peader Carson from Kilnaslee Road, one of the first to apply for the competition, although it transpired that he hadn’t fully grasped the rules of the competition when applying. “Poor Peader”, explained Tiernan. “His eyesight’s not so good so he didn’t really understand about the boxing bit of it until he got into the ring. It might not’ve been so bad, but he’s 84 next birthday. Still, he paid his £3 entry so he was entitled to a go same as the rest of them. Jays, you should have seen him going down. Like a sack of spuds mangled up in a zimmer frame”.

“That’s true”, said the octogenarian Carson from his hospital bedside. “I went into the ring with a tactical plan of how I was going to open up my chess game with maybe a classic Budapest Gambit or a Sicilian Defence, and then I got punched in the face really really hard. Jays, my dentures flew halfway across the ring, and then it was goodnight Vienna. Don’t remember much after that, but it’s surprising how good Baxter’s pea and ham soup tastes through a straw. Still, it’s a lesson learned. If they repeat the competition next year, I’ll come back older wiser and stronger. Well, certainly older. Sorry, would you mind helping me onto the commode?”

The event was won by Father Polland of St Luke’s Chapel in Cappagh who won all of his chess matches after insisting he was, ‘on very good terms with both of his bishops, and had ecumenical dispensation to take any piece he wanted”.

NI Water Board Will Back Bill All Non-Domestic Ice Bucket Challenge Participants

That'll be £30'000

That’ll be £30’000

The NI Water Board are allegedly on the verge on contacting anyone who took part in the MND/ALS Ice Bucket Challenge after spending over 3000 hours scouring facebook and other media outlets for water wastage.

Categorised under the ‘non-domestic charges’, the board has scrutinised thousands of challenges and identified those which took place on farm land, business property, charity premises, churches, schools, hospitals as well as any property where the house cannot be clearly seen. Back-billing is due to commence early December, with many people being hit in the run up to Christmas.

Tyrone man Brendy Woods admitted he was distraught at the news:

“I went a bit over the top and had three digger loads of water poured over me at the uncle’s farm. Then the sister showered me with the power hose for about 10 minutes. I calculated I could be hit for £4000 at the least. I thought about contacting the MND charity for a loan of the money back but that’d be wrong. This is a nightmare.”

In a show of generosity, the NI Water Board have offered to set up direct debits for anyone who used more than £1000, allowing monthly payments of £500. CEO Patrick Volvic confirmed:

“We want to show that we can get into the spirit of things by offering this generous direct debit for anyone who went too far with the challenge. We also will turn a blind eye to the ice which also constitutes a waste of water. We’re not total killjoys and will donate £5 ourselves to the charity.”

PSNI have confirmed they are looking into threats painted on a wall in Coalisland, calling for the Water Board to be waterboarded.

 

You can donate to MND here: http://www.mndassociation.org/news-and-events/Latest+News/the-mnd-ice-bucket-challenge

 

Anger In Parts Of Tyrone Over Frank Mitchell’s UTV Weather Watchers Snub

The George Clooney of Ulster - Derrytresk hater?

The George Clooney of Ulster – Derrytresk hater?

Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.

The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).

Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:

“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”

Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.

“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”

Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:

“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.

 

 

Shock And Confusion As Tyrone Rose Admits She’s Not Gay

gay_straight_whatever_bisexual_sticker-p217088317632754087qjcl_400Following the 2014 Rose of Tralee’s public declaration that she’s gay, Tyrone Rose Bernadette Begley has quickly moved to confirm that she’s not gay and hopes the county will stand by her brave admission in the weeks ahead.

Begley, who also came clean on liking Mrs Brown’s Boys and Joe Brolly as well as eating beans with her morning fry, reckons her stance will encourage others to come forward and admit brave stuff that Ireland may not be ready to hear, in their opinion.

She added:

“Ever since I announced I was straight I’ve been getting quare looks from oul people around the county. It’s like they’re suspicious of me now that I’m not gay and in the public light. I don’t care though. It’s important that people know what my sexual preferences are, and everyone else’s. Ireland still lives in the Dark Ages, ye know, I think. Anyways I love Joe Brolly and his wee nose twitches. Feck the begrudgers.”

 

Begley’s father, an ex Commonwealth Bowls bronze medalist, wasn’t sure how the county will react:

“Aye, I’m a bit confused myself. I was sure she was gay as she never showed any signs of being different. This has come as a bit of a shock to be honest. I haven’t the heart to tell her granny. It could kill her. She’s gay herself but also harbours a dark secret too – her own mother’s a protestant. All these things are very important ye know, around here. Sure I like B*Witched”

 

The PSNI have set up a counselling hotline for anyone struggling to come to terms with other people’s life choices and natural tendencies. 

Less Than Half Of Eligible Tyrone Women Have Good Road Frontage

Artist's impression of Tyrone 2040

Artist’s impression of Tyrone 2040

A recent survey has predicted that Tyrone will be riddled with spinsters in 40 years after it revealed that only 43% of single women aged 18-45 in the county have good road frontage, an important factor in attracting Tyrone men.

Road frontage, where your land is bounded by a road and therefore ready for sale as sites for houses, was once a necessity for any girl looking for a hand in marriage in Ireland. This survey suggests the majority of women have either decided on a path of singledom or there has been a rise in lesbianism or religious orders.

29 year old Loughmacrory woman Jenny Wisdom explained her decision:

“I was aware of the road frontage rules but to be honest I want a man who likes me for me and not if there’s a good road with land on my site. Unfortunately the men around here aren’t as philosophical. I won Miss Wrangler Jeans here in 2009 so I have the looks but as soon as men hear I only have a garden in a housing estate they just make up some excuse and walk away. It’s demoralising.”

Pastor John McConville has warned women that they’ll be left on the scrapheap if they don’t start looking for appropriate land as soon as they finish schooling:

“The women have taken their eye off the ball. Here in my ministry I only married three couples last year. We’re losing out in important funds and the girls are looking at sitting in a rocking chair at 65, talking to themselves. Schools need to educate their female students on the importance of road frontage before Tyrone becomes a barren land as men head north to Derry.”

The survey also revealed a drop in corned beef dinners in favour of ready meals.

Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes

Penny chews

Penny chews

Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.

The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:

“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.

Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:

“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”

Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.

The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.

Tyrone Tribulations – 2 Years Old Tomorrow

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Thank you to all readers and for the encouraging comments over the last 24 months.

We are approaching one million views and when the magic figure is reached shortly we plan to take a lengthy break and start chatting again to loved ones and even the unloved. What started out on August 22nd 2012 has snowballed a little more than I first envisaged.

We try our best to entertain anyone who reads without insulting anyone, their beliefs or their circumstances. Sometimes we fail (as funny as a kick in the balls someone once emailed!!!) but I think we mostly managed to create some humour that doesn’t belittle or take advantage of others’ misfortunes. That’s a hard task – normal cutting satire/shock factor is slightly easier! Humour is hit and miss and it’s hard to suit all tastes. We tried our best.

Also, we’ve tried to hard keep the topics as local as possible, with a couple of exceptions…..

I’d like to offer a big thank you to those who have helped me along the way – those who messaged suggestions for stories, to Oliver Corr and his team who put moving pictures to the words, to the invaluable Shengas McGlumphie who came on board in March 2013 and has kept producing top notch investigative journalism every week since, to Pat Muckles and Aughoughilley Schniffles, to Biddy Ann and Fr Riddle Lynn as well as anyone else who kept the stories coming.

Below are the top 10 news items in terms of views from the past 24 months from as far away as El Salvador, Uzbekistan and Derrylaughan.

Finally, ye can give us a vote on http://www.blogawardsireland.com/best-blog-post-2014/ but we don’t mind that much….
I’ll not say here’s to another two years, but here’s to the future…
Gombeen.

Application Error Sees Masters Graduate And NASA Hopeful Join ASDA

Not ASDA

Not ASDA

An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.

Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:

“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”

The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:

“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”

In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.

Tyrone Clothing Company Faces Legal Action Over Its Equality Policies

By Aughoughilley Schnifflesold-man-laughing

RTdRkLeLcWest Tyrone based clothing company TAL is facing accusations of ‘over-equality’ policies following complaints by employees based at its Strabane premises. The firm has raised eyebrows after it posted a position for shop floor line manager, noting that a black Vietnamese protestant gay male worker would be given first preference to fill the role.

In seeking to promote positive discrimination (similar to that used by the PSNI to balance the religious representation on its force when first introduced, by giving Roman Catholic applicants an advantage with regards to filling posts), company director Martin King has tried to apply the same logic with his operations.

“It came to me in a dream while I was on a surf holiday in Bali. What our wee country needs is racial, religious and sexual equality across the board. We hope to set a new standard here. If this place is to move forward with the rest of the world we all need to be equals, just like at the beginning of that book Animal Farm” he said.

What is more apparent than the fact that Mr King did not read all of Animal Farm, is his employees have had enough. Miss Rose Parkes, from East Belfast, recently quit TAL and had some scathing words regarding Mr Kings attempts to promote a new ‘big’ society.

“He is mad in the head mate. First off he came back from his hippy adventure round the world with dreadlocks and all and just announced that all toilets were to be unisex. So, here’s me to myself – I’m not using them toilets no more. I’m gonna wait till I get home, or go to the wee bakery next door. I was never in them toilets since. He’s a sky rocket. I’d rather be waiting on a giro than put up with that muck”

Mr King told us about how Stormont could take a leaf from his book in leading the way with equal opportunity strategy, however he does concede that costs involved in implementing such procedures and policies are high.

“We had our prayer room constructed late last year, and unfortunately after we took on two great Muslim embroiderers we had to have them taken down and re-built to face the Kaaba in Mecca. That was sore on us but it’s all a learning curve for us. I introduced 9 months paternity leave to balance the male to female rights to time off following childbirth. Also, we now do not accept either man flu or period pains as a reason to stay off work. AIDS is fine though as it effects both sexes equally.”

King has had all religious holidays banned and all his workers must work Good Friday and Christmas. The company’s new range of clothing, aptly named ‘peacekeepers’, to be released next July just ahead of the marching season include “Feinhun” versatile wooly hats and poppy-lilly t-shirts; although there is still an ongoing debate as to which flower gets to be positioned on the front of the garment.

Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014

  • briefs_115
  • The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”

 

  • Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.

 

  • Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.

 

  • Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.

 

  • Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.

 

  • Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.

 

  • Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.

Clady Man’s Attempt To Re-Create Nathan Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Success With ‘Custard Cream’, Fails To Chart

A Clady man determined to make it big in the pop charts was left bitterly disappointed on Sunday when his debut single narrowly missed out making it into the top 10,000.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Following in the shoes of country singer sensation Nathan Carter who has enjoyed considerable success with a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Wagon Wheel’, 37-year old Jerome Hughes from Clady attempted to re-create similar success with a self-penned song entitled ‘Custard Cream’.

Failed to chart

Failed to chart

“It came to me all of a sudden when I was having my tae one day”, explained Hughes. “Why should the Carter cub have it all his own way with songs about chocolate biscuits? Can’t say I’ve listened to his record all the way through, but I’ve heard enough to know that if he can make a buckin’ fortune singing about Wagon Wheels, then I should be able to do the same with Custard Creams. And at least Custard Creams haven’t got smaller in size over the years. Bet young Carter doesn’t mention that inconvenient truth in his fancy song, eh?”

Hughes’ initial song-writing started out with an early effort entitled, ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’, but immediately encountered rhyming difficulties. He fared much better with Custard Cream, but fails to understand its lack of radio success, commercial success, critical success, or in fact any type of success whatsoever.

The song, which several observers have accused of bearing a suspicious likeness to Wagon Wheel, goes,

 

Scoff me on the land or you can munch me on the sea

You can shove me in yer bake or you can dunk me in your tea

Hey, baby eat me

Eat me by the packet or just eat me one by one

You can eat me when you’re hungry you can eat me just for fun

Hey, baby eat me

 

The song continues in a similar theme,

 

Come and eat me baby I’m the biscuit eater’s dream

You can go to paradise just eating one wee Custard Cream

Hey, baby eat me

Shop around to buy me use some shopper’s common sense

In Dungannon’s Newell Stores I’m only thirty-seven pence

Hey, baby eat me

 

Rumours surfaced late yesterday from a source in Strabane that Hugo Duncan has blacklisted the song on account of being a Garibaldi fan.

Riots As Coalisland Silver Band Re-classified As A Brass Band

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as

Coalisland this morning

Coalisland this morning

the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.

Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.

All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.

Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.

The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.

Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.

More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.

“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”

With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.

The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.

County Holds Breath As Hugo Duncan Reportedly Entering Celebrity Big Brother House.

No cream buns in England

No cream buns in England

Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.

Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.

Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:

“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”

Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:

“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.

40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.

Gortin Driving Instructor Teaching People To Drive Wrong For Last 30 Years

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A driving instructor from Gortin has been accused of teaching incorrect and often illegal driving techniques to pupils across Tyrone for the last 30 years.

62-year old driving instructor Seamie Wallace from Glenpark Road, was brought to the attention of council authorities when an ex-policeman decided to enlist on one of Wallace’s advanced driving skills courses, at a cost of over £200. There, he was given a series of surprising and frequently illegal instructions, including how to, ‘drive with one knee whilst eating a cheese and tomato sandwich’, ‘weave in and out of traffic like they do in Smokey and the Bandit’, and how to drive ‘the bejaysus out of the motor as if the devil himself is on yer tail’.

Wallace is also alleged to have made a number of somewhat controversial statements to impressionable learner pupils, including, ‘driving after a clatter of pints of the black stuff is fine as long as you’re careful and keep her under 60’, ‘all BMW drivers should be lynched’, ‘traffic lights are for guidance only’, and that ‘indicators are for arseholes’.

A defiant Wallace said,

“I don’t know what the problem is. They said that sitting on the outside lane of the motorway when there’s nothing on the inside lane is wrong. That’s bollocks. I was with a pupil on the A4 yesterday just tootling along the outside lane, and lo and behold there was a whole lock of cars behind us doing the very same thing. We can’t all be wrong, can we?”

King of the road

King of the road

Spokesman for the PSNI Sean Robertson said,

“He’s the reason the driving in this county is going to the dogs. Eejit. How did any of his pupils ever pass their tests? You see people trying to drive in Omagh on a Saturday and it’s carnage. That’s all his fault. But what do you expect when he tells people that reverse gear is a marketing gimmick, and that using the rear-view mirror just hurts your eyes? God save us”.

Wallace has since passed an exam to become a registered driving examiner in Coalisland.

Sky TV Lost An Estimated Half A Billion In Tyrone Since 2001

A rare sight in Tyrone

A rare sight in Tyrone

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

Pay per view broadcaster SKY TV has reported that it haemorrhaged just under 500 million pounds since 2001 in ‘lost or stolen revenue’ in County Tyrone. Most of it is thought to be attributable to trade in illegal counterfeit box units.

An East Belfast based representative for Sky, Mr Philo-Farnsworth Jenkins, has told Tyrone Tribulations of the frustrations the Rupert Murdoch owned media company has had to face around mid-Ulster.

“We believe that the Carrickmore area is by far the worst offender for copyrighting issues. Only 3% housing we visited have actually admitted to even owning a television set, never mind pay per view packages. The majority even had dishes on the roofs. Our presence is hardly sustainable at this rate. When issuing notices to conform, we have received house-owner names such as Michael Mouse, The Man From God Knows Where, Napoleon Dynamite, Sean South, Vladimir Klitschko, Rupert Murdoch, Rupert The Bear, The Pope, Oz McCallan and we even had a Tiger Woods. It’s really not that funny.”

Jenkins has also spoken about the threats and unsafe conditions his drivers are facing in some parts of Tyrone.

“In the past four months, we have had a penis drawn on Homer Simpson’s forehead on one of our vans, and posters of an Irish footballer called Patrick Spillane stuck to five different windscreens. We’ve also actually had a van clamped by a youth of no more than 13 years of age – from where he got the clamp is still a mystery to the authorities. One of our employees conducting a door to door survey was even threatened with a gigantic wooden spoon as well as a hurling or shinty stick, and told to get out of the area. What is going wrong with NI youth these days? “

Mr Jenkins went on to say that typically the highest TV traffic bracket – week day mid-morning – is associated with a plethora of students and unemployed sitting at home drinking tea. He conceded that 97% of Tyrone homes not having a TV in this day and age is simply not credible:

“When you look at the nationwide viewing figures for Dr Phil, Jeremy Kyle and even Deal or No Deal, if it weren’t for the unemployed these programmes simply would not be on television. They would be replaced with more Homes Under The Hammer type stuff and yet Tyrone bucks the trend completely, with no one watching TV… You can laugh all you like but it is a serious matter.”

Also, despite the fact that GAA clubs throughout the island of Ireland have been offered a discount of some 30% to install a SKY box, only one GAA club anywhere – the PSNI Gaelic Athletic Club – has come forward to apply, though the club’s subscription money remains to be paid.

As local channel Ulster Television prepares to go south of the border, with first programmes due to air on January 1st 2015, UTV are preparing to install barriers and water cannon at their premises. They are expecting loitering and crowds to gather outside UTV house on the Ormeau Road over Christmas, as this can often be a quiet season for protesting.

Rise In Women Fixing Their Hair Before Answering The Phone And Wearing Tabards

Trillick Woman in a tabard

Trillick Woman in a tabard

A habit, once thought to be nearing extinction in Ireland, has reportedly gathered legs again as the amount of women fixing their hair before answering their mobile phones or landlines is on the rise.

In a sign of the times, the activity has evolved with many women taking selfies before lifting the receiver or pressing answer on their devices. Ballygawley teacher John Kelly confirmed they have missed three important calls to the house recently because of his wife adjusting her extensions before answering the call:

“I’m a sub-teacher at the minute and rely on calls in the morning for a livelihood. Three times this week the phone has run off because I’ve been in the toilet and Mary’s been checking her hair in the mirror. Last week I saw her taking a photo of herself when the phone began ringing. Not only that, she took another one because the first one wasn’t to her liking. This madness must stop. It makes no sense.”

86-year old widow Hillary Johnson from Omagh has lambasted the young women of today in terms of the time taken to make sure they are fit to answer the phone.

“In my day, we would have leapt up and checked hair, make-up and blouse before the second ring. By the fourth we’d have applied any changes necessary. These young ones today are too lazy and slow. I blame the Internet and them American TV shows.”

Other traditional female actions reportedly fashionable again are blue-rinse dyes and wearing tabards with 20-30 nappy pins attached.

Loom Bands To Feature At Unofficial ‘T In The Parkanaur’ Music Festival

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Tickets have gone on sale for an unofficial music festival to be held in one of Tyrone’s premier beauty spots.

‘T in the Parkanaur’ in the brainchild of Gerard Donnelly from Dungannon, who decided to stage the event after hearing of the rapid success of loom bands with young people and spotting a gap in the market.

“Jays, they’re mad for the loom bands, so they are”, said Donnelly. “It’s all I ever hear about. But you never hear of loom bands playing many gigs, do you?” he challenged. “Maybe they’re just shy wee craters. Anyway, that’s why we’re doing this music festival. The cubs’ll go mental for the loom bands. The public gets what the public wants, so they do”.

He continued,

“And it’s not just the loom bands. There’s others too. We’re going to get Eminem as long as he promises to cut out the swearin, and Miley Cyrus, although to be honest I preferred her dad. And we’ve got one of the biggest Irish superstars you can think of. The biggest. Guaranteed. I can’t tell you who it is but let’s just say if she comes along she might just need to lay a blanket on the ground”, he said with a wink. “But honestly”, he went on. “She will need to bring a blanket. The facilities are going to be a bit limited”.

Preparations well underway

Preparations well underway

Controversially, Donnelly confirmed that the ‘T’ in the title doesn’t stand for Tennents, who sponsor of the hugely popular annual ‘T in the Park’ event, based in Scotland.

“No, I spoke to them but they weren’t interested”, said Donnelly. “Not in touch with the young ‘uns,see? No, the T stands for Toilet. Never enough bogs at these music festivals. We’re going to have hundreds of them wee cubicles. If we didn’t we’d have to call it ‘P in the Park’. Get it?! Ye boy ye!”

Asked about the parking, the catering, or if in fact permission had even been sought from Parkanaur, Donnelly was evasive.

“That’s all work in progress. These things take time. Let’s just say there are a few wee things to iron out. Listen, everyone was mitherin’ about it going maybe going tits up with the Garth Brooks concerts in Dublin, and it all ended up fine, didn’t it?

“Honestly, there’s nothing to worry about. There’ll be no stopping us. Not once we get started”.

 

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