Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.
St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:
“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”
However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.
Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.
Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.
With record December temperatures showing no sign of abating, Strabane Council have revealed plans to put on a free ‘Turkey on the Barbie in Strabane’ on Christmas Day, placing the West Tyrone town on a par with Bondi Beach and Kenya during the festive period.
In a further development, Strabane linguist Jonathan Hinney maintains he is a shade darker than he was a week ago, attributing the sudden tanning to the warmer climes experienced in the province during the last few weeks.
“There has definitely been a change in my appearance since last week. I’ve been doing a lot of outside loitering and gaunching about recently and I think the exposure has had an effect, making me the first Irishman to get a tan in Ireland, naturally, in winter since records began in Castlederg in 1855. Strabane is currently a mild outdoor sunbed.”
In a loosely related incident, Hinney’s shower has been banjaxed during the same period, casting serious doubts on his tanning claims.
Meanwhile, the Strabane open-air Christmas Day turkey barbecue has already sold 38 tickets, despite claims from locals that the council got a bit too excited the day the temperature hit 15 degrees Celsius.
Lord Mayor Linda Shelley has pleaded with locals to trust their judgement:
“We have it on good authority from Frank Mitchell that it’ll be in the mid-20s on Christmas Day. I urge Strabanonians to ditch their jumpers and coats and don their finest swimwear and put the Aussies to shame. Global warming is not all bad, is it.”
Hugo Duncan has yet to confirm rumours that he’ll be lighting the barbecue wearing only a pair of tight red trunks.
An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.
Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.
“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”
Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.
‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”
McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.
Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
Facebook status updates regarding weather conditions have resulted in two prominent celebrity weathermen becoming worryingly disgruntled and fearful for their profession. Both UTV and BBC bosses have issued a public apology for all those affected by the recent projected weather forecast job cuts and promise to move Frank Mitchell and Barra Best sidewards into presenting ‘animal or motorbike shows or something’.
The decision has left over 150 people potentially out of work, including the woman who shines Barra Best’s head five minutes before going on air. Many others within the meteorological industry are worried about their future after it was decided that neither company really required the service any further. Both stations believe Facebook status updates are to blame for the devaluing of the traditional end-of-bulletin weather news.
Linda Hoey, head of BBC Weather, issued the following statement via Facebook this morning:
“We are extremely sorry but sadly there is no demand for weather forecasts in 2014. It seems Facebook has taken over in regards predicting immediate weather patterns. Last week, I counted nine status updates in the space of half an hour from the same woman in Cookstown, each one informing me of the chances of rain and whether it’ll be a cold one tonight or not. How can the BBC compete with that?”
Sally Eastwood, the Tyrone woman in question, refused to accept accountability for the job losses:
“Aye, dead on. Best and Mitchell are just caught out. Just because they have deadly posh accents means people thought they were weather gods. Well, Facebook and Twitter have turned the tables on them boys. Anyway, when was the last time Mitchell had Cookstown as his weather watching camera? He had Charlemont the last day. Charlemont, like?”
Four hours after the decision, UTV’s weatherman and all-round celebrity Frank Mitchell was spotted semi-naked around the Ormeau Park area in Belfast in a mildly-excited state. Police later fired a tranquiliser dart and captured the disgruntled Down man, who is reported to have exclaimed, “Sack me? Sack me? I’m Frank Mitchell! I made the UTV!”