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Man Warns Frank Mitchell After Buying Snow Shovel and Bags Of Salt

McMahon, waiting

McMahon, waiting

An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.

Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.

“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”

Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.

‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”

McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.

 

 

Clonoe Man Confirmed As Being Almost 116,000th In Line To The Throne

Red Boy Loughran, Clonoe

Red Boy Loughran, Clonoe

   BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.

“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.

The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.

52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.

“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.

He continued,

“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.

Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.

“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.

She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.

“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.

Loughran however rejected the concerns.

“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month.  Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.

In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.

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