Category Archives: Derrylaughan
A Belfast scientist today announced that, after studying the longevity of loughshore people over the last 25 years, swallowing over 60 midges a day can add a decade to your life if consumed during the summer months for at least three consecutive years.
Although it has been a well known fact that the average Ardboe or Washingbay resident lives to 90-109 years of age, not until now has the reason been forensically analysed in such depth.
Previously, reasons for such long lifespan included eating large amounts of pollan and eels, fighting, in-breeding and doing the double. However, three families in the area have been monitored over a period of 36 months which have led to Professor Mike McKindlin’s findings:
On average, the loughshorian swallows over 4000 midges on any given week during the summer. This can occur when walking, running, hiding or just sleeping outside with your mouth open. This was the X Factor I’ve been looking for. I’m quite sure midges make you live longer.”
Doctors have long puzzled over why many chain-smoking alcoholics from the area have been able to celebrate their 100th birthdays in relatively good health. The NI Tourism Board are now looking for protected status for midges and are encouraging locals to begin making plans for the promotion of midge soup and midge sausages and the like.
They are also hoping 1980s star Midge Ure from Ultravox will get involved.
A well-known local joiner and inventor from Derrylaughan has been discovered trying out self-make rocket gutties four days before his 10k Washingbay Green Run race.
Alonso McCann, whose previous times in the same race are now under review, was spotted moving ‘at the speed of light’ down one of the aisles in Falls’ shop, nearly knocking over a baked beans display as his prototype malfunctioned and burst into flames, causing a minor fire hazard.
McCann, who admitted he was tempted to enter the half-marathon despite his footwear ‘not having enough juice to last 8 miles’, has pleaded for forgiveness and maintains his previous runs in the race were legitimate.
“Let’s be honest. They’re all at it. Myself and Lance Armstrong were caught but thousands aren’t. I’m just unlucky. A packet of Tuc biscuits sticking out down that aisle knocked on my turbo. I was lucky that elderly woman wasn’t standing there a couple of seconds earlier.”
Organisers have hired extra stewards this Saturday to look out for other runners using wheels or blades in what has become the most popular running event in the northern hemisphere in recent years.
Meanwhile Falls’ shop continue to offer fantastic deals on baked beans.
After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan.
The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.
The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.
Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:
“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”
The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.
Locals remain unconvinced.
Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony
A Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.
Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.
One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:
“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”
Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.
Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Niall McGinn, who became the first Dungannon Swifts player to move to South Korea for footballing reasons, finally clinched his transfer despite a throw-away comment which was lost in translation, almost scuppering the lucrative move.
McGinn, who once scored 0-7 against Derrylaughan during a midge storm, asked the club chairman, who also acts as Lord Mayor of the city of Gwangju, if he was for Clones on the 16th in a thick Tyrone accent.
Thinking McGinn had attempted to speak a bit of Korean, Chairman Gung-Ho had to be restrained as interpreters attempted to explain to him that McGinn had, actually, spoken in English.
Language expert Martin Kelly explained:
“It’s normal for new signings to attempt some of the local language. However, when Niall asked ‘are ye for Clones’ it sounded like ‘aya fa konas’ which means ‘get the f**k out of my sight’. It took a while for Lord Mayor Hung-Ho to accept the reality of what happened.”
McGinn, who is expected to fly out to his new club in the near future, has also pledged not to make the same mistake as one of his advisors who travelled out to Gwangju to look at houses.
Carl Carabine from Aberdeen unfortunately took a wrong decision at a fork in the road and travelled deep into North Korean territory before being picked up by their officials and enrolled in the army. He was last seen parading at Kim Jong-un’s 33rd birthday celebrations.
Hundreds of aspiring astronomists from as far away as Iceland and Japan were left disappointed after several Twitter photos of an apparently crystal clear vision of the Aurora Borealis in East Tyrone turned out to be a false alarm.
The chance of seeing the incredible light show caused by collisions between electrically charged particles released from the sun that enter the earth’s atmosphere and collide with gases such as oxygen and nitrogen brought hordes of visitors to the area on Good Friday, only to be told it was simply one of the McAliskeys burning all the brackens up the moss.
Falls’ Bar, though, has reported record takings as over 1300 budding stargazers took refuge in the pub before getting a taxi back to Aldergrove Airport.
Local man and part time badger-catcher, Felix Hagan, said the mistake has caused untold damage to the roads around the lough:
“At one time I counted 766 people standing on the Ferry Road looking at the moss on fire, taking photos and stuff. Half of them were Asian and there were even ones from Donegal. When word filtered through that it wasn’t the Northern Lights at all but McAliskey up to no good again, they all marched down to Falls’ Bar for refreshments. I hope they weren’t looking cocktails or anything fancy. But they tramped the road into shite.”
Several hundred are reportedly staying another day in the area due to flight delays, with many looking forward to the Derrylaughan/Aghyaran game halfway up the country. Tyrone GAA officials were quick to announce that all Division 2 club games will see an entrance fee of £20 for this weekend alone and that the presence of 550 wealthy tourists was just a coincidence.
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
A 60-year old Derrylaughan man is said to be livid after his winning performance during the 1972 under-16 wheelbarrow race has been declared null and void due to his lifting partner’s subsequent disqualification.
Dimitri Popov, who was visiting distant cousins in Brocagh that year, sadly passed away in 1999 in a circus accident but his widow has been informed of the decision.
His racing partner, John Boy McCabe, is enraged at the decision which saw him return the ice-cream tokens he won as a result of his victorious participation as a 16-year old:
“It’s scandalous. Dimitri wasn’t on drugs. He was drunk ok but that was because he looked a bit older than what he was at the time and was drinking in Falls’ Bar from midday with everyone else. All this is based on the Olympic doping scandal but you can’t tar them all with the one brush. If anything it was me who did all the work. All he did was houl my legs. I’m gutted.”
The Washingbay Sports Day committee have subsequently awarded the ice cream tokens to the second placed team, Pierre LeGrille and Thierry Jambon from Paris, who were also holidaying in Brocagh at the time. A formal presentation will take place in front of the Eiffel Tower in August.
After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
Players from the Windmill club in Tyrone are said to be living in daily fear after their new manager gave each player a poster with his face on it, staring at them at all times in their own homes in an initiative he calls ‘Operation 1984’.
The poster, which has to be placed in the living-room beside the TV, is said to have moving eyes, giving the impression that their boss is monitoring their every word, munch and sip.
A player who wished to remain anonymous, described the culture of claustrophobia and bullying currently enveloping the senior team:
“Joe Brolly recently talked about elitism and a lack of fun. Well, he’s only treading the tip of the iceberg. Down here in the Windmill, we’re on a completely different level. I’m sure I heard the poster say something like ‘no’ when I opened a can of Harp during Strictly Come Dancing. I just poured it down the sink in case I’m dropped for the league next year.”
Another player who goes by the name of ‘Hulk’ added to the evidence of intimidation:
“I’m sure this thing can see into your mind. The wife was giving me the eyes and I’m sure I heard the poster say ‘that won’t be happening, lad’. I’m this close to pulling down the poster but I’m not giving up that full back position.”
The Windmill manager, who retired from teaching in 1988 after to failing to adopt to the new corporal punishment law, maintains the poster of him staring out is simply a method of bonding and camaraderie:
“These lads are paranoid. Sure how could there be 20 pairs of my eyes watching their every move. I’m all for the relaxing of draconian conditions put on club players by uptight managers and even as recently as yesterday I told the players that they’re allowed to eat one Yorkie bar or something similar once a month. If that’s not anti-elitism then I don’t know what is.”
Meanwhile, the Derrylaughan senior panel for 2016 was confirmed last night after a series of bleep tests, blood tests, personality tests, lie-detector tests, urine samples and forensic examination of hair follicles analysed. Currently they have 4 players confirmed in the hope that a re-test next week will see a better return.
Officials at the temporary Dungannon Accident and Emergency Unit at the old South Tyrone Hospital have suspended their chief porter after a two-hour porn movie was accidentally shown on their 50-inch widescreen waiting-room TV instead of the usual adverts provided by the National Health Service.
Attempts to turn the channel over proved fruitless as the unit was too high up the wall and the porter in charge was up the town buying batteries for the TV’s remote control. Eventually a patient blanket was thrown over the TV but the loud volume remained, leaving patients in no uncertain terms about what was happening behind the blanket:
Henry McLoughlin, from Derrylaughan, who was in the waiting room after falling off a link box, explained:
“It was embarrassing so it was. These men and women were going at each other buck mad on the TV and everyone was staring at it. There was no where else to look but the television. And it kept going on for hours too. I managed to throw a blanket over the unit but you should still hear the gulders and roars of the man and sometimes the woman.”
After word got out of the x-rated free show, hundreds of men flooded the waiting room with suspect aches and pains from all over the country, with many arriving with beers and popcorn. Several women also arrived complaining of ‘hot flushes’.
Fr Paul Devine, who was waiting on being attended after dropping a chalice on his foot, was glad when the porter returned:
“Two hours of it we had to listen to. Worst of all I think I recognised a couple of the actors in it from confessions. And there was definitely an Omagh accent when the man shouted ‘gwan ye blade ye‘ but the blanket was over it at the time. I considered a decade of the rosary during it but no one else appeared interested. In fact, some of the female patients were yahooing and cheering.”
The porter apologised profusely for the embarrassment and promised to bring in the correct memory stick in future if he gets his job back.
PSNI officials have reminded the general public that they will not be attending any more reports of wasp fighting in the county, especially along the west coast of Lough Neagh, after over 400 cases were phoned in over the weekend by worried neighbours.
An unusual breed of German wasp arrived in Tyrone last week and have taken a particular liking to local ferns and brackens in East Tyrone on which they get highly intoxicated. The drunken wasps, having already serviced the queen bee, have been at a loose end and appear to have used the free time to take on the people around Ardboe, Brocagh and Derrylaughan.
Adding to the volatile nature of the situation, locals have taken to alcohol to relieve the stress of being stung on a daily basis, creating a deadly cocktail of lethal and often fatal drunken violence.
Local journalist and part-time stand-up comedian Concubar Grimes explained:
“I’d maybe take the wife down to the shore for a bit of canoodling at the weekends but last weekend was impossible. The roads and loanans were full of men and women, reeking of drink, swiping at the wasps with their fists, sometimes connecting with each other by mistake. And then that would start a whole other handlin. You can almost hear the wasps laughing, or maybe that’s just the buzzing. Anyway, I had to take the wife to Coalisland cinema instead but it closed in 1986 apparently.”
Police want to remind people that there’s no law at the minute to charge the wasps with drunken flying or drinking in public.
A skirmish broke out in Brocagh this morning after a freshly inebriated wasp attacked an unsuspecting priest during a local funeral, resulting in the persistent wasp and its immediate family being publically excommunicated and cursed with the threat of eternal damnation.
After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.
Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.
Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:
“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”
UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:
“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”
Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.
Politicians from all major parties as well as international dignitaries have hailed the South East Tyrone Loyal Old Boys Society (SETLOBS) and local GAA clubs in the area as a shining beacon of coming-togetherness and understanding after both communities clapped and cheered as a Meath flag was placed at the top of a bonfire in the middle of the Tamnamore roundabout just off the M1.
SETLOBS Grand Master Willie Tennyson admitted he never thought he’d see the day when unionists, loyalists, nationalists, republicans and pagans would share tins of Carlsberg and glasses of cheap wine as the final pallet was positioned on their annual fire:
“I never thought I’d see the day when unionists, loyalists, nationalists, republicans and pagans would share tins of Carlsberg and glasses of cheap wine as the final pallet was positioned on our annual fire.”
The Meath flag idea was the brainchild of Derrylaughan tradesman Harold McCourt who revealed he harboured a strong hatred of Meath since their 1996 assault on a timid Tyrone outfit in the All-Ireland semi-final.
“Aye, when I heard Tyrone were drawn to play Meath on he eleventh night this weekend, it just came to me that such an event was a great opportunity to offer the hand of friendship to themuns and kill two birds with the one flag. We get to see that county’s flag burn whilst the SETLOBS gain satisfaction from watching a GAA thing in flames and it green and all.”
Hundreds turned up as the bonfire was lit late last night by two petrol bombs fired at it by Grand Master Tennyson and local GAA historian Fr Ben Fay. The festivities passed off peacefully apart from one incident at 3am when a Lambeg drum was thrown off the bridge onto the motorway after a row over whether A Nation Once Again was catchier than The Sash My Father Wore.
Foreign press reported the event for international media outlets although most maintained it was the worst built bonfire they’d ever covered.
An East Tyrone school has been accused of applying Draconian tactics after it emerged that black puddings were the latest cause of hyperactivity in children according to a report someone read in a magazine in Canada.
Kiltytresk P.S. reportedly searched the bags of all 200 pupils in their large rural school for the foodstuff after their Board of Governors banned the traditional blood sausage from their premises. A local journalist confirmed that over 40 pupils were caught with black puddings hidden in the lining of their school bags with some pupils stuffing it down their socks in a ploy to evade detection.
Headmaster Leo Pope confirmed there will be no backing down from their new ruling:
“In recent weeks we’d eliminated chocolate, fizzy drinks and crisps from our school menu but the children are still running amok. It wasn’t until one of the staff mentioned they’d read an article in a magazine in Toronto about 30 years ago which criticised the endorphins released by the pork blood, encouraging young people to squeal and jump like pigs, that we realised we’d been sitting on a time bomb here.”
A recent survey in the Kiltytresk townland showed that, on average, over 89% of children under the age of 16 eat up to ten black puddings a day.
“We’ve promised to set up black pudding help lines and courses for people weaning off the substance, especially at that age. A lot of people in East Tyrone are dependent on black puddings, far more than they’d care to let on.”
PSNI officials have warned underground black pudding vendors outside the school that they’ll shoot on sight.
After recent fears that women were entering the priesthood disguised as men, Clonoe Parish have confirmed that their first usage of the ‘Testicle Chair’ has been successful with the new priest confirmed as a fully-working male and therefore able to complete his duties.
The controversial chair, which has a large key-hole shape cut out in the seat, will now be put away in the Clonoe Parish safe until it is next needed. The identity of the testicle-checker remains a secret although it is rumoured to be a member of the Clonoe Parish Committee.
The priest in question, Fr Johnny Quinn who originally hails from the Duckingstool, admits he’s delighted that he passed the test at the first time of asking:
“After all the talk about women dressing up as men and entering Maynooth I understand why this measure was taken. Even though I know I am a man I was still nervous as the seat was rather cold and I was afraid that maybe everything wasn’t hanging as normal under the robe. Fortunately, the checker was thorough and I can do my duties.”
The Parish minutes for the meeting reveals that ‘at 5:33pm on Monday 18th May Fr Quinn was ratified as a male with the cry of “He’s got testicles. Praise the Lord” from the testicle checker who was dressed in a medieval garment whilst rummaging under the chair. The Testicle Chair will now be washed and stored until further notice.’
The Testicle Chair designer, Tommy Walsh from Derrylaughan, confirmed he received over 200 orders from various agencies since the successful first outing for his new 120-degree contraption. Walsh also revealed he will added a heated-seat option for the more sensitive user.
The parish have also advertised for more testicle checkers after Fr Quinn complained of the current checker of being a bit heavy handed.
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
Despite sound-bites from the government to quell fears of a new breed of testicle-eating trouts and eels stalking Lough Neagh, swimmers and bathers along the western coastline of the lough confirmed they are still a real threat, and may be getting hungrier.
Two male swimmers from Derrylaughan, who every Saturday morning religiously partake in a short swim out to Coney Island and back to shake off hangovers, reported three attacks from three different breeds of fish during their 30-minute paddle. Kevin Barry, a 28-year old fencer, told us:
“I think that’ll be the last time I go for a dip in the lough until the problem is sorted. There’s no enjoyment when you’re constantly worried you’ll return to shore with mutilated knackers. I’ve never seen eels behave like that before, and I know my eels.”
Sunbather Harry Quinn (58) from Moortown was astonished at the attack he experienced whilst laying on a towel on the beach at the Battery. Wearing a tight-fitting pair of Moortown St Malachy’s shorts from his playing days in the early 80s, Quinn had to retreat to the pub after an unprovoked assault on Saturday:
“Ghost oh, I was just nodding off on the towel and before I know it a couple of Dollaghan were yanking the shorts off me and them 10 feet out of water. I barely managed to bate them off with a rolled up Irish News but not before on of the trout took a nick from one of my yokes.”
Local scientist Paddy Hughes maintains the new culinary tastes are a result of “global warming or the solar rays or something like that” and has warned male swimmers and fishermen to wear body armour or metal trunks for a few years “until the fish move on to China or somewhere like that”.
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.