After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan.
The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.
The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.
Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:
“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”
The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.
Locals remain unconvinced.
Pupils have finally admitted in an East Tyrone Primary School that their standard of cuisine had become so unbearable it forced over half the school’s intake to pretend their parents were doctors and lawyers in order to avoid having to devour the free school meals on offer.
Knocknaman P.S in Derrynahacken were recently inspected by ETI afters suspicions were raised when only 13 pupils were spotted in the canteen eating their dinner during an impromptu inspectorate visit in 2015, despite the school having an enrolment of 590 children.
Chief Inspector Henrietta Walsh finally got to the bottom of the problem after she caught over 30 children eating berries from a tree behind the jotter incinerator:
“We knew something was up. This is a very rural area with high levels of unemployment and to see only a dozen children qualifying for free school meals was a bit puzzling. After I caught the berry eaters red-handed, they spilled the beans. One child, who forged parental documents claiming is father worked for NASA and his mother a professional footballer, was eating grass and a sachet of red sauce. All this to avoid free school meals.”
Walsh and her team subsequently issued a damning report on the canteen menu. Four out of the five days saw a one-choice dinner menu of liver and chips with an option of beans or no beans. One member of the inspection team claimed he received the same deformed three-pronged chip on his plate two days running.
“The choice of dessert was similarly disappointing. There wasn’t a choice. It was chocolate semolina with plums for five days a week. I fully understood the children’s forgery.”
The Knocknaman headmaster Master Hughes reportedly chased the Inspectorate Team, claiming locals had been brought up on semolina and plums since 1962 at the school and there had been no complaints until now.
One of Tyrone’s most accomplished linguists, Terrence McNeill, is currently floating in a capsule in space as he prepares to become the first Irish man to work on the International Space Station.
McNeill, who can fluently speak over six languages from his stove-fitting experiences in Dungannon, will install a state-of-the-art stove in the Russian quarter on board the ISS after winning the contract from another tender in Lithuania. The Drummurrer man was rocketed off into space from Houston last night and is currently aiming to park his space capsule ‘Meenagh’ some time tonight if he can line it up correctly and soberly.
His wife, Anita, revealed it was a great honour for their family:
“We always knew he was deadly at the stove fitting and deadly at the languages so he’d be a deadly boy for fitting stoves up there for the Russians. I can’t relax though til he parks it as he’s liable to have a couple of drinks on him and might overshoot the parking bay and blow the whole thing up. I hope not. I also hope the diarrhoea has cleared up.”
McNeill underwent 3 weeks of intensive training in America before the launch and although he failed 90% of the tests, the Drummurrer man convinced NASA officials he’d work it out up there as he was ‘good at thinking on his feet’. At a packed conference he explained:
“I’m sure it’s just like parallel parking. I’ll put the shoe to the burd, get her docked and then pile into the ISS with my tools and get wired into the stove. I’ll be out by Monday I reckon. I’m just worried about the diarrhoea.”
McNeill has promised to tweet aerial pictures of Drummurrer, Annaghnaboe and Cloghog from space.
Within hours after NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft flyby of the icy planet Pluto, a minor scuffle broke out in Carrickmore after two farmers immediately claimed fields beside each other on the dwarf planet, somewhere around the middle of it.
Despite a sizeable journey of 3-billion miles and a 9-year jaunt at an average speed of 30’000mph, Peter Gormley and James Kavanagh immediately set their sights on claiming land on the planet on a first-come-first-served basis. A disagreement emerged after Kavanagh refused Gormley access to his field if a road is built on the other side of Kavanagh’s field.
“This is typical of the Kavanaghs. They’ve always been a carnaptious breed. Anyway, James hasn’t been doing his homework as usual. Apparently the gravity is so weak on Pluto that I could jump right over 3 acres of land and land gently on the other side. And I can fire the cattle over that way too. So balls to him.”
Kavanagh reportedly struck Gormley after Kavanagh suggested the only reason his rival was interested in Pluto was because you weigh only 10% of what you are on earth due to the gentler pull of gravity and that Mrs Gormley would only be 20 stone over there.
When asked how his cattle will be able to endure temperatures of -220, Kavanagh added:
“Just keep the barn doors closed and make cow-jackets. It’s not rocket science.”
Meanwhile, Carrickmore have applied to be twinned with the dwarf planet.
A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.
Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.
NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.
Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:
“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”
Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:
“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”
McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.
He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.
Government officials have confirmed rumours that all living teachers who worked in schools between 1940-1990 in Tyrone are to be quizzed over language they used within classroom walls to describe pupils with ADHD, numeracy and literacy problems as well as those with minor learning difficulties.
The news comes after successful entrepreneur Paul Kelly (41) from Caledon sued St Judas’s PS for labelling him ‘deadly thick, like a plank‘ in a school report in 1983. Kelly was diagnosed as having ‘mild literacy problems’ recently and maintains his father ‘bate the lugs off him’ for being what his da called ‘slow in the head’.
“I used to write my ‘B’ and ‘D’ back to front, hinting I was on the dyslexic spectrum. Today I would receive extra help. Back then the Master called me ‘Kelly the Gob’ because that was how I spelt God. And it wasn’t just me. He called my numerically-challenged brother ‘fingers’ because he couldn’t count over 10. It really was inappropriate. We slashed his tyres in P7 but he deserved it. I’m earning more now than that bollocks ever did.”
Others have come forward with evidence of amateur diagnosis on school reports. Fergal O’Hanlon, a NASA rocket engineer from Loughmacrory, revealed he was told in 2003 that he had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) as a child, causing his inattentiveness at crucial times during the school day. His report from 1977 remarked: “If Fergal continues to jump around on his seat during morning quiet reading time, I nail his useless feet to the floor. Otherwise, working well.”
“I couldn’t help myself. I had undiagnosed ADHD. The Master would get the heaviest lad to sit on me as punishment. Even that was wrong – him calling the lad ‘Fat Frank’. It turns out he had a glandular problem later in life which was why he couldn’t shift the weight as a youngster. I want compensation. And see that ‘quiet reading’? It lasted until his hangover cleared.”
Officials also announced the collection of brown pennies for ‘black babies’ was being looked at.
NASA have yet to confirm or deny rumours that their expensive Rosetta mission may not have been as successful as first thought after word filtered through of a ‘space-like probey thing’ which has landed in a graveyard in Moortown with the words ‘NASA’ on the side of it, even though NASA had nothing to do with it..
Suspicions were heightened in Washington after the first audio signal sent back by the Philae Probe included what appeared to include high-pitched sounds including a clearly heard ‘holy smokes’ and ‘ghost-oh boys’.
Chief mourner and gravestone cleaner Maggie Quinn is in no doubt that the probe is not 300 million miles away but a few thousand km from the American capital:
“Sure I saw it with my own eyes. This thing had been hovering above the graveyard since August and we just thought it was a number of things. Some suspected it was the police keeping an eye out for any lads still on the run returning for Graveyard Sunday. Others claimed it was the bru-man or even the TV licence shower. Today it came down gently enough and to be honest we were on the verge of kicking the dung out of it.”
NASA’s description of the landscape appear to match that of Moortown, describing the conditions as ‘hostile’ and ‘like nothing on earth’.
Mrs Quinn concluded:
“I hear they’re trying to find out if water exists where it landed. Well, if they give me the word I’ll houl it up and they’ll have a deadly view of the Lough from here. If there’s something we have, it’s water. But like, they could have looked us up on the Internet instead of spending a billion dollars to come here. But I suppose them taxi boys are rip-off merchants.”
Local PP Fr Hackett has asked locals to pray for the probe which has already been kicked and shot at with an air rifle.
An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.
Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”
The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:
“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”
In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.
Stephen O’Brien, an astronomy enthusiast and budding rocket scientist, has gone underground after achieving three ‘A star’ grades in his A Levels – the first pupil to do so in the greater Loughmacrory area. His father John, an unemployed handyman, says it’s no wonder:
“Typical of our Stephen. I’d have been at him for years to go out and be like the other lads, kicking tyres and clodding the police, but there was no talking to him. He’d always have his nose stuck in some oul stupid book about NASA or Aristotle. He was a complete embarrassment and we’d keep him locked away in the attic when the priest or other important person came around in case he let us down a barrowful with his big words and worldwide knowledge of current affairs. Some puke.”
Stephen achieved the highest grade possible in three subjects – Physics, Mathematics and Engineering – and was suspended for two months by Loughmacrory Integrated College earlier in the year for suggesting he took on another couple of A Levels. Headmaster Mr Leo Kelly, added:
“A real wee buckin smart arse. He had the teachers’ heads wrecked by knowing stuff before they taught it. We hate that. And he did all his homework, the stew. Well, he got what he deserved. He’ll have to carry those grades around his neck like a living purgatory for the rest of his life if he stays. I feel sorry for the parents.”
Stephen is talking about moving to Donaghmore where he feels he’ll fit right in:
“Loughmacrory isn’t ready for a boy like me. Over the last few decades we’ve seen local cross-dressers, bisexuals, Derry supporters and Muslims all come out in the area and not an eyelid batted. I just like reading but can’t come out about it. I’m off to Donaghmore where I can freely run about with a Hemmingway epic under my arm like the other youngsters.”
There’ll be a celebration party thrown tonight for all those deciding to stay in the area after failing the whole lot.