A Dungannon student has admitted he is ‘afraid’ and ‘lonely’ after receiving news he has achieved 4 As in his A-Level results, and is currently considering leaving the country for somewhere like Japan or Denmark for a week or two.
Colin Rodgers, who was described as a ‘quiet and hard-working pupil’ by his teachers and ‘a bit…you know….odd’ by his family, is the first to do A-Levels in the Rodgers’ family history, dating back to 1455. He achieved top grades in Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Dance.
His father John, a bouncer outside The Fort Bar, complained:
“Our Colin would need to take a long hard look at what he’s at here. No one in our estate goes out and tries to get good grades in school. That’s just stupid. He’s asking for a kicking and I’m talking about around our breakfast table when he comes down those stairs. Who does he think he is – Graham Norton or something?”
News of Rodgers’ success has spread like wildfire around the greater Dungannon area with reports of graffiti such as ‘Colin’s a dick’ reportedly scrawled outside Curley’s Supermarket on the Oaks Road. Loyal friend and full cousin Kenny Rodgers added:
“I just don’t know him any more. He went off the rails at GCSE, getting nine A* grades and taking up the saxophone. And he never talks about DLA and dole queues and normal stuff like that. It’s like he’s sick or something.”
Colin hopes to pursue his academic studies in Cambridge University in England, studying medicine and law. His father added:
“England’s good enough for him. And when he’s a fully practising barrister he need not expect to come here looking advice on how to fill out forms for claiming stuff like looking after long-dead ancestors.”
The SELB have set up a hotline for anyone student seeking advice on how to cope with good grades.
After five days of intensive observation, housewife eye-candy Dr Brian Cox has headed back to England ‘despondent and bewildered’ after failing to explain how time has developed completely different dimensions in Stewartstown compared to everywhere else in the world.
Speaking from his laboratory in London, Cox revealed a few of the unsolvable conundrums which have left him a broken man:
“They kept this from us at the College of Physics I went to. For example, on the first night I went for a pint in the Roadside Tavern and the bartender said he’s be with me ‘in a minute’. I timed him and he returned to me in 4 mins 33 seconds. In that period he had checked the horse racing and spoke to another punter about Logan and the Under 21s. I just couldn’t work out if I’d just witnessed time travel or not. I couldn’t sleep that night.”
As Cox collected more evidence of a parallel universe in Stewartstown he explained another phenomenon which confirmed that time had different properties in mid-Ulster.
“I wanted to go to Cookstown to buy jeans in the world-famous market and asked a local if I needed to get a bus to there. He said it was ‘only down the road’ and that it was only ‘a locka minutes’. TWO HOURS it took walking and I was near wrote off on the Poplar Hill Road by a boy from Lissan in an Escort. That confirmed to me that ‘time’ as we know it has bypassed Stewartstown.”
Cox is also investigating the possibility that time is also standing still since the 80s after discovering the following telltale signs:
- 80% of 40 year olds are still wearing A-Team sweatshirts
- Every night closing time in pubs is signalled by the playing of ‘The Final Countdown’ by Europe
- Many parents collected their children from school on space-hoppers
- ‘I Shot JR’ is spray-painted on most gable walls.
- ‘Big Hair and Mullet’ combo sales in local barbers.
Stephen O’Brien, an astronomy enthusiast and budding rocket scientist, has gone underground after achieving three ‘A star’ grades in his A Levels – the first pupil to do so in the greater Loughmacrory area. His father John, an unemployed handyman, says it’s no wonder:
“Typical of our Stephen. I’d have been at him for years to go out and be like the other lads, kicking tyres and clodding the police, but there was no talking to him. He’d always have his nose stuck in some oul stupid book about NASA or Aristotle. He was a complete embarrassment and we’d keep him locked away in the attic when the priest or other important person came around in case he let us down a barrowful with his big words and worldwide knowledge of current affairs. Some puke.”
Stephen achieved the highest grade possible in three subjects – Physics, Mathematics and Engineering – and was suspended for two months by Loughmacrory Integrated College earlier in the year for suggesting he took on another couple of A Levels. Headmaster Mr Leo Kelly, added:
“A real wee buckin smart arse. He had the teachers’ heads wrecked by knowing stuff before they taught it. We hate that. And he did all his homework, the stew. Well, he got what he deserved. He’ll have to carry those grades around his neck like a living purgatory for the rest of his life if he stays. I feel sorry for the parents.”
Stephen is talking about moving to Donaghmore where he feels he’ll fit right in:
“Loughmacrory isn’t ready for a boy like me. Over the last few decades we’ve seen local cross-dressers, bisexuals, Derry supporters and Muslims all come out in the area and not an eyelid batted. I just like reading but can’t come out about it. I’m off to Donaghmore where I can freely run about with a Hemmingway epic under my arm like the other youngsters.”
There’ll be a celebration party thrown tonight for all those deciding to stay in the area after failing the whole lot.