Following last Thursday’s news of a Loughmacrory A Level student being discovered with 3 A* grades, three more men across the county have been found with similar qualifications in their GCSEs. Police authorities have placed the county on alert level ‘Amber’, and have warned residents to brace themselves for the discovery of further smart arsed lads.
DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI said,
“We’re not sure if they’re all part of a cell, or a ‘brain cell’ as we’re calling it. At present the evidence points to this being true, as they all appear to have a fondness for Dickens and a common understanding of simultaneous equations. It’s a sad day for the county. Who’d have thought there might have been a brain cell around these parts? We’ve always had intelligent women but smart Tyrone boys were a thing for fantasy books”.
56 year old Deirdre McConnell, a part-time chapel-attender from Eskra, was a neighbour of one of the accused men, 16 year old Desmond Coyle.
“Sure, Dessie always kept himself to himself. Quiet wee lad growing up. I remember hearing talk that he was a prodigy, that he could use a knife and fork by the time he was twelve and put on his own socks at fifteen, but people say things in spite. I suppose looking back the writing was on the wall by that stage. There were rumours that he was once caught with a girlie magazine with ‘Wuthering Heights’ hidden inside. It makes me feel sick”.
Inspection of Coyle’s home last night discovered several incriminating documents under his bed, including the Ulster Herald, three copies of The Economist, and an old edition of ‘Juno and the Paycock’. A geometry set and a dictionary were found at the homes of one of the other men. It is alleged that Coyle fully intended to use the grades to attempt to better himself, either in Belfast or possibly England.
Authorities are also investigating the sale of a scientific calculator in Omagh to see whether there may be a connection to the four men.
Meanwhile, a girl in Derrytresk who achieved what has been described as a ‘rake of A* grades’ is to have a rampart named after her.
Stephen O’Brien, an astronomy enthusiast and budding rocket scientist, has gone underground after achieving three ‘A star’ grades in his A Levels – the first pupil to do so in the greater Loughmacrory area. His father John, an unemployed handyman, says it’s no wonder:
“Typical of our Stephen. I’d have been at him for years to go out and be like the other lads, kicking tyres and clodding the police, but there was no talking to him. He’d always have his nose stuck in some oul stupid book about NASA or Aristotle. He was a complete embarrassment and we’d keep him locked away in the attic when the priest or other important person came around in case he let us down a barrowful with his big words and worldwide knowledge of current affairs. Some puke.”
Stephen achieved the highest grade possible in three subjects – Physics, Mathematics and Engineering – and was suspended for two months by Loughmacrory Integrated College earlier in the year for suggesting he took on another couple of A Levels. Headmaster Mr Leo Kelly, added:
“A real wee buckin smart arse. He had the teachers’ heads wrecked by knowing stuff before they taught it. We hate that. And he did all his homework, the stew. Well, he got what he deserved. He’ll have to carry those grades around his neck like a living purgatory for the rest of his life if he stays. I feel sorry for the parents.”
Stephen is talking about moving to Donaghmore where he feels he’ll fit right in:
“Loughmacrory isn’t ready for a boy like me. Over the last few decades we’ve seen local cross-dressers, bisexuals, Derry supporters and Muslims all come out in the area and not an eyelid batted. I just like reading but can’t come out about it. I’m off to Donaghmore where I can freely run about with a Hemmingway epic under my arm like the other youngsters.”
There’ll be a celebration party thrown tonight for all those deciding to stay in the area after failing the whole lot.