Category Archives: Tamnamore
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PART ONE: Confessions of a Red Diesel Addict
In our two-part series, one of our journalists, Aughoughilley Schniffles, has been granted an exclusive interview with a red diesel addict (RDA) from East Tyrone. The RDA put his hand over his mouth to conceal his voice, even though we were looking at him.
Readers should be warned that the following question and answer session may be distressing:
TT: TELL US ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND:
RDA: I don’t remember much about my birth and the first few years but it was a happy and caring household. Both of my parents came from South Armagh and, fair play to them, held dear to their customs. Hence my current plight.
TT: AND WHEN DID YOU REALISE YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM?
RDA: Well, it wasn’t until I was 21 that the thought hit me; I’d never been to a Maxol, Texaco or BP station in my life. Then I got through the driving test and found myself doing what my oul boy used to do, filling the motor up from a hose pipe from behind the shed. It just seemed natural to me. Before long, I was a fully-blown user.
TT: SO, DESCRIBE YOUR TYPICAL DAY.
RDA: I usually wake at around 6am, before the peelers get set up on most roads. I keep a wee bit of red in a coke bottle beside the bed and sniff it first thing in the morning. It even makes the radio sound louder. Then I’m out and about early enough. I’m a border area driver and do runs of cigarettes up and down from Dublin airport. I used to drive only after dark, a night shift worker of sorts, but those hours meant I was unlikely to get a woman so I went back to the dangerous daylight shift.
TT: AND FAMILY LIFE NOW?
RDA: It has affected the family badly. There are days I can’t go out of the house for fear of peelers lurching about the place, so the young lad sometimes misses GAA matches and I feel guilty. I tried to give it up and go on the clear diesel for lent, but my family shunned me and I only lasted one night. I was back on the red the next day. Presently, I have a spare oil tank full of red diesel at home for comfort’s sake.
TOMORROW: THE DARK DAYS OF DEEP ADDICTION….STALKING WILLIE FRAZER’S HOUSE…. TAMNAMORE ROUNDABOUT FLASHBACKS….AND MUCH MORE
Black Friday Madness At Landi’s Cafe In Coalisland
Witnesses have described the Black Friday carnage at a well known Coalisland fast food establishment as ‘sheer madness’ and ‘total bedlam’ after a deal on the sausage supper and a can of Lilt set pulses in the town racing.
The supper meal deal, which normally costs £4.99, was reduced to £3.99 for one day only, with a cowboy supper slashed from £5.99 to £5.20.
Before doors opened at 9am, an estimated 44 people were already shouldering each other in order to gain prime position for the charge to the counter. Although several calls were made to the PSNI to monitor the crowd before the opening by concerned town residents, authorities failed to appear with one police source reportedly saying ‘Coalisland? Are you serious?’
One regular punter, who was interviewed with a damaged sausage balancing delicately on his shoulder, revealed:
“Landi’s should have known better. I was in simply to get a bag of fish goujons for breakfast but ended up on the floor wrestling with a cousin over a portion of beans I didn’t even want. When the hurling sticks were produced I decided to give up the ghost but was still hit on the head with a severely battered sausage.”
Estimates suggest over 260 hungry customers were crammed into the premises at 9:30. Shortly after, a mini-riot commenced after owners admitted there was no Lilt left, with many refusing the offer of a free 7-Up.
“When the message was relayed about the Lilt, people lost it. The till was smashed and people were chanting things like ‘you can shove your Fanta up yer hole’ and stuff like that. This meal deal was an ill-advised decision.”
Early reports also suggest there were skirmishes just off the Tamnamore roundabout after a roadside strawberry vendor refused to reduce any of his prices for Black Friday.
CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Cross-Community Solidarity Praised As Meath Flag Placed On Top Of Tamnamore Bonfire
Politicians from all major parties as well as international dignitaries have hailed the South East Tyrone Loyal Old Boys Society (SETLOBS) and local GAA clubs in the area as a shining beacon of coming-togetherness and understanding after both communities clapped and cheered as a Meath flag was placed at the top of a bonfire in the middle of the Tamnamore roundabout just off the M1.
SETLOBS Grand Master Willie Tennyson admitted he never thought he’d see the day when unionists, loyalists, nationalists, republicans and pagans would share tins of Carlsberg and glasses of cheap wine as the final pallet was positioned on their annual fire:
“I never thought I’d see the day when unionists, loyalists, nationalists, republicans and pagans would share tins of Carlsberg and glasses of cheap wine as the final pallet was positioned on our annual fire.”
The Meath flag idea was the brainchild of Derrylaughan tradesman Harold McCourt who revealed he harboured a strong hatred of Meath since their 1996 assault on a timid Tyrone outfit in the All-Ireland semi-final.
“Aye, when I heard Tyrone were drawn to play Meath on he eleventh night this weekend, it just came to me that such an event was a great opportunity to offer the hand of friendship to themuns and kill two birds with the one flag. We get to see that county’s flag burn whilst the SETLOBS gain satisfaction from watching a GAA thing in flames and it green and all.”
Hundreds turned up as the bonfire was lit late last night by two petrol bombs fired at it by Grand Master Tennyson and local GAA historian Fr Ben Fay. The festivities passed off peacefully apart from one incident at 3am when a Lambeg drum was thrown off the bridge onto the motorway after a row over whether A Nation Once Again was catchier than The Sash My Father Wore.
Foreign press reported the event for international media outlets although most maintained it was the worst built bonfire they’d ever covered.
Derrytresk Handbag Woman Favourite For Tyrone Assistant Manager Job
Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.