The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily. We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.
Begley’s Red Stars
Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40
Magnet for Electric Cars
JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.
Fake Covid Passports
Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.
MOT Tyre Fail Solvers
Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.
Ready-made placards for referee abuse
Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.
The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.