Monthly Archives: March 2020

Ballygawley Man Told To Put Some Trousers On FFS

unnamedA Ballygawley car salesman has been told for the last time to stick some trousers on FFS after wearing nothing but a 1986 Tyrone top and boxer shorts for the last three days whilst holed up at home. 

Patsy McGeehan (44) was even spotted in his trunks answering the door to delivery men and feeding birds out around his back. Calls from his wife and children to put on even a pair of tracksuit bottoms on or pyjamas have fallen on deaf ears until this morning when his mother demanded and even cursed.

Mrs McGeehan (87) added:

“He can be an awful contrary bollocks sometimes. Even if he had changed the boxer shorts it may have been tolerable, and I’m just talking about what I see from Skyping him. I think cursing on the phone made him think again. I haven’t let a ‘fuck’ out of me since Armagh won the All Ireland in 2002.”

The McGeehans have confirmed that Patsy donned a pair of old brown cords today and an A-Team t-shirt he kept from the 80s.

Meanwhile, marriage counsellors have confirmed a 700% rise in phone calls in the county since mid-March.

Uproar In Brackaville As Priest Makes Parishioners Shout Confessions From 100 Metres Away, Up His Lane

0_EdnG0Xc6-eSBLTb2Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.

Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.

The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:

“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”

Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.

The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.

Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.

Stockpiling Of Fig Rolls In Fintona Still A Mystery Says Scientists

A pile of fig bars. Focus is on front cookie.Over 8000 packets of fig rolls have now been purchased in the greater Fintona area since the outbreak of the Coronavirus, with scientists at a loss to explain why the Fintonese people are stockpiling on the controversial biscuit. 

Despite remaining tight-lipped about the reason behind their spending habits, many from the village have brazenly traveled as far as Fivemiletown in order to top up their fig roll provisions.

Professor Kitty Kilmore remains perplexed by the pattern:

“We’ve looked at this from every angle but cannot find a reason why the Fintonese people feel the need to stockpile fig rolls in case of a emergency. Water and bread I understand but this fig roll obsession has us stumped. We’d love to know what this signals.”

Despite persistent emails and phone calls, Fintona Lord Mayor Freddie McCann refused to comment on their rationale and just kept winking and pointing at his nose when asked.

One explanation currently being considered is a misunderstanding by the local finona people. When asked at a Mid-Ulster conference as to which foods to stock up on if a national emergency was announced, an irate Health Minister Noel Pattyson simply replied, ‘frig all’.

Impossible To Get Coronavirus From Collection, Says Church

istockphoto-157504331-612x612Despite the temporary banning of the shaking of hands, church officials today confirmed that God will not allow anyone to get the Coronavirus by passing the collection basket around or by handling money, especially notes. 

Although the message was met with groans across the county this morning, the collection in all 43 parishes still totaled just under £90’000 for all Masses this weekend, a slight decrease on last week.

Bishop James Bogue from Trillick confirmed that the Vatican are sure God would not allow anyone to contract the illness from the basket but reminded people to use notes instead of coins as you’d never know whose hands had been on the coins:

“Yes, we had a long good prayer about the basket and came to the decision that God wouldn’t allow it. But to be on the safe side, use notes as they normally stay in wallets and all. Coins would be fiddled with in pockets and stuff.”

Clogher Parish only managed to donate £30 this week after parishioners failed to make it to Mass on time due to queues outside the Spar which was selling 100 toilet rolls for £50.

Meanwhile, a hand-washing seminar in Ardboe was cut short after no soap was produced. Locals confirmed that soap hasn’t been used in the area since the 80s, with people just washing their hands in the Lough in the morning.

Tyrone/Dublin Fight In Tunnel Was Over Immersion Heater

51nggxllrYL._SL1200_Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower. 

The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.

It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:

“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”

Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.

paul g moss

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