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Uproar In Brackaville As Priest Makes Parishioners Shout Confessions From 100 Metres Away, Up His Lane

0_EdnG0Xc6-eSBLTb2Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.

Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.

The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:

“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”

Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.

The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.

Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.

Church Apologies For ‘Road To Hell’ Wedding Song Error

Lishamlet?

Listamlet?

St Alphonsus’ Church in Listamlet have apologised to Gerry and Mary Brennan of Clonfeacle after a mix-up in their audio saw ‘The Sally Gardens’ mistakenly replaced with Chris Rea’s worldwide hit ‘Road To Hell’ as the bride walked up the aisle.

To add to their woes, the altar boy was unable to turn off the song, leaving the wedding party and congregation listening to the entire 5-minute extended version of the chart topper which includes the lines “And the perverted fear of violence/Chokes the smile on every face”.

Father of the bride, Jack McCann, fumed:

“Some balls-up. The worst part was the altar boy fumbling to turn the thing off. We had to listen to that man sing the ‘Road To Hell’ line over and over at the end. The young girl was in tears thinking her husband-to-be was sending her a subliminal message. Why didn’t they cut the wires?”

Fr Cushnahan was at pains to explain how the song ended up on the church’s private music selection in the first place.

“Ah I was just codding around one day with funny songs to play in a church, just to show that you can have a laugh with God and all. Elvis’s ‘Devil In Disguise’ was another one I had on it. Thank feck that one didn’t play. The husband would’ve been afeard to turn around and look under the veil. I’ll just put this one down as a learning experience.”

Meanwhile, St Alphonsus’ have offered, by way of compensation, a year’s supply of confessions for the couple with a guarantee of very little penance.

Tyrone Clergy Bemoan Lack Of Badness In Youngsters

gaming-kids

Should be out gallivanting

A statement this morning by the underground ‘Red Hand Priests Are Us’ movement has called on parents and guardians to turn a blind eye to bad manners and general impishness in their children in order to save the tradition of confessions across the county. In recent years priests in many parishes have complained they are twiddling their thumbs between two and three on a Saturday as empty booths and vanishing queues are now a normal sight from Ardboe to Aghyaran. Fr Johnston from Greencastle admitted:

“We might have to abandon confessions completely. The children are now just sitting on their iPads or PlayStations. Even the couple who do trickle in tell us nothing worthwhile like knocking over a vase or sneezing and they end up taking on all the Hail Marys to be given out that day. One girl last week said she forgot to give her mother a hug and I had to hit her with 19 decades of the rosary. That’s not fair, but there’s too much penance to go around now.”

Fr Traynor from Carrickmore agreed:

“Oh how I long for the days when there’d be queues out the door with lads telling you about blowing up frogs, leaving bags of shite on the elderly neighbour’s doorstep or robbing the pub. Nowadays these youngster are too buckin lazy to get up to devilment. What are parents at these days? Can they not see the basic fabric of a young Irish child’s life is disappearing? I’m not talking devil-worshipping here but confessing to giving your brother a kicking or two would brighten the whole process up for us.”

A school in Dungannon has been first to act with a proposed GCSE class on ‘General Bad Manners and Skulduggery’ starting in September 2013. Master Cullen informed us:

“This will be a rigorous course with an element of practical which involves two pupils playing dangerous pranks on each other like locking one in a skip and rolling it down the steep bank. That sort of thing. They’ll be allowed to curse at the teacher too.”

Confessions continue this week at 2pm everywhere.

paul g moss

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