Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.

Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.

The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:

“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”

Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.

The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.

Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.