Monthly Archives: September 2013
New Tyrone Social Media Site ‘Slabber’ Fails To Reach Target Membership
Despite confident predictions that his social media rival to Twitter would reach four million members in the first week, Eskra computer guru Francey Taggart admitted the uptake of ‘Slabber’ was not as successful as he had imagined.
A week after its launch at a dinner dance in Kelly’s Inn, only three people had permanently signed up to the new service and were “slabbering” regularly – Taggart himself, his cousin in Kildress and a man from Plumbridge. Slabber is a simple social network where people share thoughts with a limit of two words set on all posts. It seems that these restrictions may have been slightly off-putting for potential users.
Kitty Horridge, a fiddle fixer from Fintona, tried the new platform for three hours:
“It’ll never take off. I know we’re known for not saying much around these parts but this is taking the biscuit. I wanted to tell people that I was having a bad day. All I could slabber was – ‘Annoyed. Me.’ Someone slabbered back – ‘Hope. Well.’ I said ‘OK. Soon’. She said ‘what. meet?’ I said ‘No. No’. She slabbered ‘Hateful. Bitch.’ It was all just too confusing. We’ve now fallen out over a slabbering misunderstanding because of this buckin yoke.”
Taggart maintains it’s early days and still predicts he’ll be a multi-millionare by Christmas.
“People are quick to judge in these parts. OK, there have been some teething problems like the fella who evacuated the whole of Omagh when he slabbered ‘Omagh. Smoking.’ The PSNI were too trigger-happy and cordoned off all roads. All the lad was saying was he was having a cigarette around the back of Sally’s. Give it time. The lad from Plumbridge is some craic. He slabbered a joke yesterday ‘Chicken. Glue.’ Jaysus I laughed for hours…hen crossed the road because he was glued to the back of a chicken I was thinking. That’s the beauty of Slabber. It can be what you want.”
So far only one celebrity has momentarily signed up. Hugo Duncan slabbered “Diddily. Uncle’.
Derry Spy Thrown Out Of Garvaghey GAA Centre
Ballinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.
Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:
“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”
Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:
“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”
On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.
Tattyreagh Man Dresses Up As He-Man In Court, Wife As She-Ra. Charges Dropped.
Tattyreagh’s finest
Borrowing inspiration from Willie Frazer’s fancy dress stunt in Belfast today, Tattyreagh duo Peter and Mary McBride donned the costumes of 1980s cartoon heroes He-Man and She-Ra in Omagh Court today in an attempt to overturn the repossession of their house on the Blackfort Road, after nine months of eviction notices due to non-payment of mortgage.
Peter McBride, a 52-year downhill gardener, explained his decision:
“You know, if it’s good enough for Willie and Jamie it’s good enough for my Mary and me. We studied the law last night and came to the conclusion that in Masters Of the Universe and She-Ra:Princess Of Power, there was no indication that the villain-catching duo ever met their mortgage payments on Castle Grayskull. In fact, quite the opposite. There didn’t seem to be any income coming in and the government seemed to be happy enough as long as they kept Skeletor at bay. There can’t be one rule for fictional cartoon heroes and another for common gardeners.”
Judge Sheila Smilie backed the McBrides’ plea, stating that TV producers need to show more responsibility in their programming before we have Wombles, Sooty and Sweep as well as Bungle from Rainbow all turning up getting off petty crime.
Peter McBride admitted he was surprised things turned out favourably:
“By the power of Grayskull, I thought we’d be laughed out of it. We’re away to celebrate with a cheesy chip.”
….before exclaiming “I Have The Power” and raising his walking stick into the Autumnal Omagh air.
Stewartstown Issues Sort-Of Nuclear Threat To World
Thousands of caps ready to be unleashed on Brackaville
The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.
Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:
“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”
Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:
“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”
The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.
Mixed Feelings On Arthur’s Day In Tyrone
We took a spin around the county to test the temperature on the Guinness money-spinner ‘Arthur’s Day’.
“Arthur’s Day my arse.” SANDY SAVAGE, NEWMILLS
“To be honest, every day’s an Arthur’s Day in our house. Yer man comes home full of stout after a few in Quinn’s on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then he goes on a charge on Sundays and Saturdays. But listen, being a parish priest ain’t easy.” MRS TONER, BALLYGAWLEY PAROCHIAL HALL
“I think it’s great we’re finally acknowledging the great joy Art McCrory brought us. Mickey’s Day just sounds like a Dublin brothel.” PADDY KAVANAGH, DUNGANNON
“Ach I wouldn’t be up-to-date on Christy Moore’s stuff. Is it any good? Hard to bate Don’t Forget Yer Shovel.” R MCSHINNY, COALISLAND
“The basterd. I left a stocking at the end of the bed last night hoping he’d have left a tin or two in the morning. Nothing”. D DEVLIN, GREENCASTLE
“I hate it. St Patrick didn’t chase the snakes out of Ireland so we could brew stout morning to night. Or, …did he?” G MCCANN, MOY
“I’m sick of these Irish stereotyping holidays. As soon as I finish my pint, I’m going to punch someone with my Shillelagh, begob”. P MURPHY, CAPPAGH SHEBEEN
“They should call tomorrow National Sewage Day. There’ll be some blockages in the morning going by the shower drinking stout in Sally’s.” J MCMAHON, OMAGH
“Ghost-oh” MOST OF ARDBOE
“Bloody hell. Christmas, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween and now this. All holidays invented by the Stormont government boys to fleece us all.” F LOGAN, STEWARTSTOWN
20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.
Derrytresk Digger Drivers
Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.
The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:
“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”
Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:
“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.
The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.
Tomorrow’s schedule:
8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale
Teacher Achieves Breakdown In A Record Two Weeks Into The School Term
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Docherty in his pomp
A teacher at a school in Eglish has become the county’s first to achieve a full-scale breakdown this year, barely a fortnight into the new school term, accusing the pupils of sustained codology.
It took the GCSE science class only 8 school days to wear down Master Docherty who teaches science and biology at St Roger’s Secondary School in Eglish, to phone in long-term sick, a record in the county and possibly the whole of Ulster. The previous record in the county was 4 weeks achieved by a female Killyman teacher who bulldozed a bus shelter during break time, singing ‘School’s Out For Summer’ in Irish.
Pupil antics included making ‘yeooooo’ sounds when his back was turned, sticking notes on his back saying ‘I’m a oul glipe’ and nailing a trout to the underside of his table, leaving a horrible stench for five days.
46-year old Docherty, reportedly instructed pupils during Tuesday’s biology lesson to, “quietly read the four chapters on ‘Plants and their Properties’ and to do so without asking any questions or making any noise whatsoever or I’ll take the heads clean off yis all”, before putting his own head down on the desk for the remainder of the lesson without looking up. Unconfirmed reports said that quiet sobbing could be heard from behind the desk. He was later seen wandering about the school grounds without shoes.
“He cited ‘heavy flu’ in his sick note, but we all know what that means”, said school headmaster Padraig Boyle with a wink. “If flu symptoms include bursting into floods of tears, weeping about how hard it is to build your self-confidence and hiding in the storeroom, then sure, flu it is!”
He went on,
“You have to hand it to the kids. It’s a triumph, and to achieve it so quickly into the new term is testament to the commitment and perseverance of some of the pupils here at St Rogers’s. Normally they take a good few months to break a teacher, but not my lot. And he wasn’t one of thon temp teachers who are easy meat. Docherty was a seasoned professional, 15 years as a secondary school teacher. Sterling stuff from the youngsters”.
Suggestions that teachers going on long-term sick leave in record-breaking time might not necessarily be a good thing were met with perplexity by the unorthodox head.
“That’s typical of the media these days. You expect cubs to achieve something and then you knock them down once they do it. Are you wise? These youngsters have demonstrated thoughtfulness, tenacity, and persistence in working as a group to comprehensively destroy this man’s self-esteem. And you say that’s not a ‘proper’ accomplishment? Don’t forget that the challenge of getting an emotional response from teachers is even greater these days for the pupils. It has restored my faith in them anyway”.
Negotiations between Boyle and RTE for the school to appear on a new programme, ‘Educating Tyrone’, a fly on the wall documentary, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Tyrone Enjoys Heat Wave As Weather Re-Classification Index Takes Effect
“Mild, with showers”
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
New rules to ensure greater parity between cold weather climates such as Tyrone and its warmer-weather European counterparts came into effect today.
The EU’s AWWA ‘Appalling Weather Weighting Allowance’ will now allow towns with generally disappointing weather to re-classify its weather forecasts, to ensure that it is not meteorologically-disadvantaged compared to its European cousins.
Council spokesperson Audi Pyper explained.
“For years we’ve got our hopes up that the climate’s improving and it turns out cat. We’ve had an ongoing programme in the County to persuade everyone to contribute towards increase global warming, because it would do wonders for the climate, but it’s not worked. Global warming unfortunately isn’t coming to Tyrone any time soon, so this is great news”.
Examples of the new index are shown in the table below, which are now in place with immediate effect.
|
Old Description |
New Description |
| Warm | Scorching |
| Breezy | Hot |
| Mild | Warm |
| Windy | Pleasant |
| Heavy Rain | Mild |
| Torrential Rain | Mild |
| Blizzards | Mild |
| Hurricane | Mild with showers |
| Sub-zero | Fresh |
Residents in Tyrone now face the exciting prospect of calling this month a genuine ‘Indian Summer’, where ‘Indian’ can be interpreted as ‘prolonged’, and ‘summer’ means ‘downpours’. “Yesterday it was horizontal rain in Edendork, proper pelting down”, said Pyper, “But apparently under the new index we can now call it ‘a slight chance of drizzle’. Class. Think what this’ll do for the tourist trade”.
Prospective tourist Thad McMasterson from America, seemed to agree.
“Gee, doncha jus’ love County Teerone? We checked the forecast with you fine people and it said it’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, all the way through the fall. I just gotta get myself and my wife Marleen ourselves a piece of that action. We’ll be right with y’all, just as soon as we’re done invading folks in some foreign country or other”.
Forecasters from the Met Office are predicting a slight dip in the weather next week, which is expected to be mild with showers.
Coalisland Priest Wrongly Given Red Card For Drunkenness. Had Turned-In Eyes.
Buchanan, earlier
Police in Tyrone have admitted they made a serious blunder after issuing a red card for drunken behaviour to Fr Pat Buchanan in Coalisland last week. The new PSNI initiative of handing suspected heavy drinkers a red card to warn them of their condition will continue to be used but all officers are to be retrained in spotting inebriated punters from sober people.
Fr Buchanan, a Pioneer of 66 years, was out to get a pound of mince when he was surrounded by 3 police officers and told to take the red card for being drunk and potentially disorderly:
“I was not amused. The officer said I was clearly drunk as my eyes were all over the place. But sure I’ve had turned-in eyes since birth. They wouldn’t believe me and told me to stop looking like that. I just stared at the ground to get them away from me. Then they claimed I was staggering. Again, I have one leg shorter than the other and sure I’m 88. I haven’t touched a drop since 1940.”
Police spokesman Herbert Drinkwater admitted it was a horrible blunder:
“We feel really bad about harassing a priest with turned-in eyes and a gammy leg. And there was no need for Officer Stephenson to whack him with his truncheon for blessing them. They thought he was messing with them. We apologise profusely and will donate £10 to his parish fundraiser for a new maid”.
Fr Buchanan maintained it nearly drove him to drink but had a corned beef sandwich instead.
Plumbridge Man Beats Gortin Woman On Countdown In Low-Scoring Game
Practice round success
A recording-breaking episode of Countdown will be televised next month after it was revealed Paddy Hunter, from the Gortin Road in Plumbridge, beat Shirley Moore, from the Plumbridge Road in Gortin, 2-0 after 15 rounds. The low scoring game shattered previous records with reports of booing and mass walkouts during the 30-min Channel Four show. Studio producer Simon Grey reckons the episode will live long in his memory:
“It started badly when the presenter’s name was announced – Nick Hewer. The two contestants giggled at the name ‘Hewer’ for the first three rounds. For the first numbers round they were given 50, 100, 1, 3 and 2 and were told to make 156 – possibly the easiest calculation ever. Hunter came out with ‘four million’ whilst Moore announced ‘it’s a trick question – it can’t be done’. It went downhill after that.”
Hunter finally got off the mark when both contestants were given the letters d, a, n, g, e, r, o, u, s. Hunter proudly exclaimed ‘us’ whereas Moore again reckoned it was a trick question. The Plumbridge man celebrated his 2 points by roaring “you’re on your own ye boy ye, yeehaa”.
Grey reckons dialectal differences may have been to blame:
“Susie Dent, the dictionary girl, wouldn’t allow a succession of words such as ‘clift’, ‘cowp’, ‘feck’, ‘gobshite’, ‘the-marra’, ‘wheesht’ and ‘budley’. Then we had Hunter making lewd remarks to the letters girl Rachel Riley. The PSNI have reassured us that he’s not to come within 30 miles of her.”
The final Countdown Conundrum also wasn’t solved. EVILDREAD was meant to be revealed as DAREDEVIL. Hunter buzzed in after three seconds with “381” before shouting “EVILDREAD”. Moore simply shook her head, refusing to believe it could be solved at all.
The episode will be televised on November 31st. Producers are considering using Hunter’s successful practice round answer ‘arse’ to take the bad look off things.
Croke Park Foil Tyrone Minor Skulduggery. Canavan Won’t Tog Out.
How he may have looked
A devious plan to introduce Peter Canavan as a second half substitute in the All-Ireland Minor Final was foiled this morning when the hairdresser in charge of managing hair implants on the aging ex-Errigal Ciaran forward spilled the beans during a random gossiping session during the haircut of an Irish Times journalist. Josh McCann, who has been a local hair expert since primary school, says he’s glad his conscience is now clean:
“I was approached by these three men wearing red and white balaclavas and they stuck me in the boot of the car, driving me to a ‘mysterious location’ they said. I had a fair idea they were bringing me to the Moy as there was a deadly stench of chickens and I could also see the ‘Welcome To Moy’ sign when I got out. They then said they’d pay me £100 if I made a bald man hairy again and to ‘make sure the hairstyle was fairly hip, like Tyrone hip’. I couldn’t turn down that enormous amount of money so I agreed eagerly.”
It wasn’t until the first hair replacement session that the shocking truth dawned on McCann:
“Well I set up shop anyways and didn’t I get a quare shock when Canavan hopped onto the chair. He didn’t speak and one of the men in the red and white balaclavas stood nearby, waving five £20 notes. I did the best I could and by the second session he looked like a 17-year old from Brocagh with the bobbed blonde highlights and all. He rolled back the years as he jinked his way out of the studio, locks flowing carelessly behind him. I nearly shed a tear. It was like watching Elvis one more time.”
Unfortunately, an Irish Times journalist caught wind of the scam after seeing an unidentified player at Tyrone’s media night put on a pair of slippers after training and then take a drag on a tobacco pipe when he got into his car. One visit to the only hairdresser in Ballygawley did the trick. McCann feels a weight lifted off his shoulders:
“To be honest I was panicking. What if the glue holding in the hair softened in the rain or the close-in camera caught his long nose hairs or bushy ears? There’s no way they’d believe it was Gary O’Neill from Brocagh. I would also like people to know I will not use the £100 for food and stuff but will instead stick it all on Mayo to win the game by 30 points.”
Tyrone play Mayo in the minor final this Sunday. Peter Canavan will be doing media work for various outlets wearing a monkey hat.
Tyrone Classifieds – September 2013
ARDBOE: Horse for sale. Looks like a big pony. £400 ono.
URNEY: Have viagra. Need any wemen between 20-70.
KILDRESS: 1988 Porsche, red. Tinted windows. Doesn’t start. £300
DERRYTRESK: Solid pine cabinet. Glass windows. A few cat scratches but the cat was executed. £90
MOY: Unwanted turkey for sale. Perfect for Christmas. Only partially eaten. £30
DRUMRAGH: 2006 Seat Ibiza 1.2, blue. Only 80’000 miles. £3000. Not for sale.
OMAGH: 2002 Hitachi self-cleaning oven. Needs a good clean. £100
BROCAGH: 3 year old Jack Russell. Fine with children. Great poet. £40
KILLYCLOGHER: Lost – black cat with white face and paws. Completely deaf. Answers to Sadie. Big reward.
BALLYGAWLEY: Dyson vacuum cleaner. Like new. Not needed. £200 or £160.
GALBALLY: 7 foot Christmas tree and lights. Beat the queues. Self-collect. Lights not included. £30
AUGHER: Weeding dress. Used once. £700
ROCK: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. £8
CLONOE: Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Gordon Ramsay Admits Tyrone Nightmare Restaurant ‘Beyond Help’
Ramsey during his stay in Aughnacloy
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Sparks flew when a Tyrone restaurant, which is set to appear on the popular TV programme, ‘Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares’ next month, clashed with the Michelin-starred chef’s attempts to make improvements to the restaurant.
McGee’s Bar and Restaurant in Aughnacloy was nominated by the owner Sheila McGee in an effort to improve custom after several years of declining trade. However, long-serving chef 52-year old Mickey Nugent did not take kindly to Ramsay’s presence in what he saw as an unwelcome intrusion and an implied criticism of his ability to conjure up gastronomic excellence.
“Now I’m all for trying out new things, and yer Ramsay fella there wanted me to have a go at all this foreign stuff”, said Nugent, “But shitake mushrooms? Shitake? That man’s not wise. Disgusting. I’m not serving that muck in my establishment. He can jog on. I’d be burnt out of it”.
A series of misunderstandings did nothing to improve relations between the two, after Ramsay asked Nugent to prepare a soufflé and to bake the pastry ‘blind’, which came to an abrupt halt when Nugent accidentally put his hand into the mincer whilst walking about the kitchen with a dish towel wrapped round his head.
“Well, he’s supposed to be the expert, so don’t say I didn’t try stuff”, defended Nugent, “But how dare he accuse me of compromising the integrity of some of the dishes. That cigarette ash was hardly going to scrape itself out of the lasagne, was it? ”.
Further friction was caused by Ramsay’s attempts to phase out some of the Nugent’s favourite dishes, including, ‘Potatoes Three Ways’, ‘Potato Surprise’, and one of Nugent’s particular favourites from the sweet menu, ‘Death by Champ’. Matters came to a head when Ramsay suggested changing the soup of the day.
“It was the last straw”, admitted Nugent. “Has this boy not been to Tyrone before? There’s only one flavour of soup round these parts. Always has been, always will be. Vegetable. If he wants to bring in his fancy carrot and colander soup or whatever it’s called, he’ll get a rolling pin in the bake for his trouble”.
A spokesperson for Gordon Ramsay refused to comment but admitted that their star has been shaken by the experience.
Soaring Cost Of Fuel Sees People Try New Ways To Travel In Tyrone
McSherry headin to work
The recent spike in petrol and diesel costs have witnessed new and mostly unsuccessful ways to travel from A to B in the county. Just last week, our cameras witnessed one man from Coalisland spend £120 filling his Datsun Sunny before pushing his motor into Roughan Lough in disgust. Jackie Carr, a 70 year old plasterer, almost made his way to do a job in Donaghmore later in the day using an inventive mode of transport:
“I’m not spending any more of my dole/work money on petrol but I’m too old to walk any distance. So I got an old ironing board and tied two hungry labradors to the front of it. I then asked my grandson to run ahead of the dogs with a couple of raw rump steaks hanging out of his back pockets whilst I sat on the ironing board. We got as far as Newmills before the dogs caught up with the lad and near ate the arse clane off him. To be honest the ironing board was in bad shape by then anyway. The sparks were annoying motorists behind. Back to the drawing board for me.”
Other unsuccessful attempts to avoid the rising cost of fuel saw a teacher from Augher jump the whole distance to Fivemiletown until exhaustion set in halfway down Clogher Main Street and a sales rep from Glenelly float in a bucket down the Glenelly River to his office in Plumbridge before being capsized by a big shoal of salmon.
The rising number of horses parked outside the Ulster Herald offices in Omagh suggests all is not lost. One journalists, nicknamed ‘McSherry’, said he’s never felt freer:
“I rent a mare from a boy in Stewartstown and it’s working out rightly. There’s no better feeling than galloping through Pomeroy and Carrickmore with the wind in yer hair and my laptop flung over me shoulder, sticking two fingers up at the motorists and their dear diesel. Picking up the manure is a bit of a handlin but sure it’s swings and roundabouts. I think it’s a horse anyway.”
Draconian Ardboe Lord Mayor ‘Out Of Control’
Can’t kiss Ardboe wemen
A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.
Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:
“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”
Other laws brought back included
- Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
- Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
- ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
- Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
- Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday
McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:
“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”
Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.
‘Yes’ To Be Phased Out In Tyrone. No-One Uses It.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A proposal released by Dungannon & South Tyrone Council has confirmed that the word ‘yes’ has fallen out of popular usage in the county, and will be replaced by number of alternatives. ‘Yes’ will now be phased out of the spoken language from January 2015, with an anticipated but completely unexplainable £18m of savings to the tax payer.
Instead of the word ‘yes’, a number of phrases already in common usage will replace it, including: ‘That’ll do’, ‘Sound’, ‘It is surely’, ‘Surely to God’, ‘You can bet your bollocks it is’, ‘A hundred per cent’, ‘Grand’, ‘Crack on’, ‘Aye’ and ‘Sure, why not’.
The fantasist behind the idea, local Councillor Declan Brady, said,
“After some significant and exhaustive research outside Argos in Dungannon one Tuesday morning, we found that people didn’t even recognise the word ‘yes’ any more. It’s one of those old-fashioned words that people no longer use, like ‘chum’, ‘aerodrome’ or ‘phone’. It’s got to go. It’s time for the county to say ‘no’ to ‘yes’”.
Firmly against the proposed change however is headmaster of St Mark’s School in Newtownstewart, Colm McQuillan, who rejects the idea. Asked if he intended to fight against the proposal, he said,
“I will surely. We use thon word all the time. Will we fight this all the way? Oh aye. We’d be lost without it. People need to stand up to the man. Should we keep this wee word as part of our everyday language? My answer is clear. Definitely”.
Defending his position, Brady explained,
“’Yes’ just isn’t popular any more. Tyrone people will frequently use the auxiliary verb from the question when making the answer, hence making the word ‘yes’ redundant”.
However, McQuillan retorted,
“Auxiliary what? Who does this boyo think he is with his big long words? Stephen Fry? He should catch himself on. I’ll tell him what he can do with his verbs. He can go and feck. Now there’s a good verb. No way we’re getting rid of one of our finest words. Just the other week one of my pupils asked if they could borrow some glue and aerosols for some after-school activity. ‘Go on ahead’, I says. Now, how on earth could I have answered that without one of our best words? I’ve spoken to all the teachers and parents about this. Do they all think it’s madness? Dead on. Auxiliary verbs my bangle”.
Council To Issue New Wheelie Bin Specifically For ‘Brolly-Related Materials’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council confirmed last night that they intend to issue a new wheelie bin to all rate payers, specifically to collect materials relating to Joe Brolly.
The bright red wheelie bin, already coined ‘the Brolly Trolley’, is being hurriedly distributed over the next few days in anticipation of another verbal tirade from the Under-12 manager and some-time RTE commentator at next weekend’s televised minor final against Mayo, Brolly’s last chance for another lambasting of Tyrone in 2013.
Refuse Department spokesman Sean McKenna said,
“There’s been a tara amount of stuff just dumped over the past month. On Monday, a 90-foot tall wicker man was found in Aughabrack with a wee plate of biscuits at the bottom and a sign saying ‘For Joe Brolly’, to entice him inside. These things have to be disposed of. Someone even dumped a 48-inch plasma in Parkanaur because Joe Brolly had appeared on it. People need to wise up. In the meantime, they’ll get a Brolly Trolley to put everything in”.
An increasing number of wax dolls have also been found dumped by the sides of roads throughout the county, with Omagh Arts College confirming that they have received record applications for their ‘Voodoo For Beginners’ classes.
“People were getting jabbed with all the needles falling out of the wax dolls and suchlike”, said McKenna. “Their wee wax faces were all sort of pinched and rodent-y lookin’, so we can only assume they’re of Joe Brolly. They’re a health hazard. They need to be safely disposed of”.
Council refuge workers also said they had seen a rise in the number of umbrellas being discarded because Tyrone supporters dislike the ‘brolly’ association, and there are reports of people nervously throwing away broccoli because of the possible connotations with the RTE commentator. However, there have been some positive developments with weekend fighting in places like Brackaville and the Washingbay having all but stopped. A spokesperson for the PSNI said,
“We’re always accusing these sorts of people of too much brawling, and we think they’ve got it confused with ‘Brolly-ing’. They’ve stopped in case people accuse them of siding with yer wild-eyed shouter off the TV”.
Unconfirmed rumours from Dublin confirmed that in case of another furious outburst from Brolly next Sunday, RTE pundits Pat Spillane and Colm O’Rourke have both requested Brolly Trolleys that they can use to hide in.
*TT would like to reveal that this will be the last Brolly-related post this year. We are over it.
Tattyreagh Parents Told To Stop Telling Lies To Their Children
A recent survey by a man in America has revealed that Tattyreagh children are the best behaved in the world but are also told the most lies by over-cautious parents. To back up his findings, Dr Zeus Valencia interviewed 120 Tattyreagh exiles who listed ‘white lies’ that have haunted them well into middle age.
Amongst the most effective were:
- If you swallow chewing gum you’ll fart bubbles
- If you misbehave, Santa will eat you
- If you aren’t in bed by 9pm, God will kidnap you
- If you don’t eat your crusts, you’ll be bald in the morning
- Mushy peas are chopped up lizards
- If you don’t come with me now, I’ll leave you here by yourself.
- Maybe tomorrow
- If you make faces and the wind changes you’ll stay like that.
Ciaran Kelly, a 46 year old forklift operator, maintains he’ll never shake off a few of the fears:
“My ma used to stop me from taking food from the fridge by claiming that there was an angry wee man in there who operated the light. Even now I’m tara afraid to open it, 40 years later. Last week I didn’t eat for three days. Then there’s the one where my da would say if I didn’t shut up he’d tell ‘the man’. I wake up in tears sometimes thinking the man is outside the house. It’s a nightmare life I lead. Tattyreagh must change.”
Jane Hurson, who left Tattyreagh for Seskinore in 1987, claims she has even passed down some of the lies to her own children:
“I feel so ashamed. Yesterday I told my daughter the one about the ice cream van – if it plays music that means it has run out of ice cream. It’s like a disease we have. I went straight to confessions and doubled the penance. Next I’ll be telling her the Brits took our dog instead of just saying it died. I need help. Please.”
The Tattyreagh Parents’ Society released a statement today saying the report was ‘a load of balls’ and ‘pure lies’. They added that ‘we all know God cries when someone lies’, predicting heavy rain all week.
New Crime Drama Set For Tyrone – “Get Off My Land”
Get Off My Land
Following on from the success of crime dramas such as The Sopranos, The Wire, The Fall, Breaking Bad and Love/Hate, a group of Tyrone acting enthusiasts have put together a script for a hard-hitting TV series set in Greencastle regarding the murky world of turf smuggling and the gang wars associated with it. Titled “Get Off My Land”, a gang of seven 20-somethings terrorize mid-Ulster by smuggling cheaper turf in from Derrylaughan and Carrickmore which burns longer than the local stuff. They are opposed by local bog men and things quickly spiral out of control with drive-by shootings and all sorts of carry-on.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to catch a glimpse of the script. Bad words have been hidden by asterisks and other buttons on the keyboard that aren’t used much:
Red Paddy: Where’s me f*&king money ye gope?
Jim: I don’t have it Red Pat. But I swear. I’ll have it next week. I just need two sods to do us this weekend
Red Paddy: I’ll blow yer f**kin head off ye clampit. Give me my five pounds.
Jim: Please, Red Pat. The wife’s giving me tara abuse about being foundered
Red Paddy: (lifts gun and shoots Jim in the foot) Take that ye f%%kin balax. Get off my land. (applause)
Declan Devlin who plays Red Paddy reckons this show will really put Tyrone on the international map:
“It’s a deadly show. We’re driving around in oul Toyota Corollas, terrifying the whole of Greencastle and beyond. You get to see lovely parts of the country like the Crockanboy Road and Mullydoo, albeit with bits of brains and dead bodies scattered all over the place. It’s a very realistic setting.”
A BBC spokesman has poured cold water on the initial excitment by admitting that it’s highly unlikely to make it onto the TV schedule:
“It’s just not all that believable. One of the episodes is called ‘A Fierce Charge of Drink’ where the main cast just sit all day in Eddies drinking Guinness and debating about ‘headin to Clones in the morning’. Then a group of girls from KIldress come in at about 11pm and they just start slagging each other about ‘tackling the one that looks like a cabbage’. I can’t see it being a big hit in London or New York to be honest.”
Trappatoni Applies For Coalisland Lollipop Man Job
The Trap, listening for cars
Giovanni Trappatoni, the ex-Ireland soccer manager, has sensationally handed in an application form for the always-vacant lollipop person job in Coalisland – once voted the most dangerous job in the world by Which? magazine. The East Tyrone town has failed to attract one applicant since the job was first advertised in 1972 despite the promise of £20’000 per year, a lucrative pension, a Honda Civic and free sausage suppers every day. Local independent Councillor Jamie Campbell has admitted he fears for the Italian maestro:
“I’m slightly worried about this latest development. In 1975 one lad from the Intermediate did his work experience here as lollipop man and lasted three hours. The last I heard he was fighting demons in his head. I know Trappatoni has worked in hostile environments such as Milan and Turin, but Coalisland is a whole new level completely. The people won’t take too kindly to being told to stop when their car is already moving forward. It’s ‘arrivederci’ already I’m afraid, Giovanni.”
Coalisland has notoriously been resistant to any form of traffic control since the introduction of cars to the area in 1927. Recently it was revealed that no parking tickets have been issued in the town since 1985, when Dennis Taylor was nabbed the morning after his victory parade.
Trappatoni has ignored pleas to take a break from the country and insists he can do a job:
“As manager of Ireland all I ever heard was ‘Coalisland traffic’ this and ‘Coalisland traffic’ that from the players. We even had a training routine exercise called “The Coalisland” which was a game where no one took corners. I know I can make a difference. Initially I will keep it tight and slow the pace of the town down and encourage a safer environment for jay-walking. Eventually we’ll be enforcing total driving which will see people use the handbrake for up to 20 seconds. I believe in my motorists”.
A small problem arose this even when Trappatoni informed us he intends not using a lollipop stick but will instead shout his instructions. Unfortunately the word for ‘stop’ in Italian is ‘bastad’ which might cause early teething difficulties.
Tyrone Tribulations 