Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.
When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.
The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:
- The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
- Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
- Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
- Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals
Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:
“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”
Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:
- Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
- Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
- Reclaim Ballinderry
- Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
- Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms
The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.
The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.
Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:
“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”
Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:
“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”
The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.