Category Archives: Augher
More Men Come Forward To Admit They Don’t Preheat Oven
Following on from the revelation last week that a man in Augher has never preheated the oven in his life, over 40 other men have come forward on social media and in public, admitting they also don’t preheat the oven before sticking in the food.
Francis McKenna, who told parishioners last Sunday at a bowls game that he has never preheated the oven despite clear guidance to do so, has admitted that he feels comforted that 43 other men have shared similar sentiments in the week since his declaration:
“Yes, I do feel a bit better about it now and I won’t be changing my ways. I can tell you now, preheating the oven is a nonsense. If I put in a chicken and ham pie for 40 minutes instead of preheating for 10 and then putting it in for 30 minutes, it’ll taste the same. It means you don’t have to remember putting the pie in after preheating it. I heard of a man who preheated the oven and forgot and the dinner wasn’t made at all. His family had to make toasted sandwiches.”
McKenna also revealed he is in the early stages of planning an anti-preheating rally in Fivemiletown next month.
Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral
The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.
Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.
Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.
Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:
“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”
One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.
Songs Of Praise Overrun May See Tyrone/Donegal Game Deferred Again On Sunday
Following the deferment of the deferred Tyrone/Cavan game last Sunday due to an enthralling men’s doubles game at Wimbledon, there are fears within the county that this weekend’s game may be deferred if Songs of Praise overruns due to people singing slowly or maybe banging out more songs than they normally would.
Last week, many in both Tyrone and Cavan only found out who won at midnight when the programme ended, with some viewers falling asleep and only finding out on the radio the next morning.
One viewer warned:
“I’ll be watching Songs of Praise closely. If I see them singing The Lord Is My Shepherd at half the pace I’ll be emailing Points of View in live time. They’re only singing slowly because they hate the GAA. Or Tyrone. How Great Thou Art is seven verses long. No way should that be sung.”
Meanwhile, several viewers have since taken up doubles tennis after last week’s delayed scheduling. Two couples were caught playing tennis at Augher GAA pitch during the week, but were soon chased to Filemiletown.
Tyrone Tourism Board Criticised For Underwhelming 2022 Marketing Campaign
Questions are being asked about the ability of the current Tyrone Tourism Marketing Team to promote the county effectively after their much-awaited 2022 campaign kicked off with an unveiling of their new flagship poster.
The controversial design, which depicts a man apparently about to urinate in a field, a diesel laundering operation as well as a brawl between Tyrone and Dublin GAA teams, all done on Microsoft Word, was unveiled to a limp round of applause at a socially distanced event in Augher’s Main Street.
Defending the images, PR coordinator Johnny Copeland explained:
“That man isn’t going to the toilet. He’s just relaxed by staring at the field and has maybe undone his belt. The diesel shed perfectly displays Tyrone’s industry and the match epitomises the fighting spirit of its Gaels. These snowflakes need to wise up.”
It has since emerged that the chief designer is a fella McGuckian from Ballinderry and may have sabotaged the whole operation. He was last seen driving in the direction of Magherafelt ‘laughing his head off’ according to pedestrians.
Meanwhile, a competition to pick Tyrone’s loveliest married couple has been put on hold after only three couples entered, with two of them separated for nine and twelve years respectively.
Black Market Christmas Mass Tickets Could Sell For £1000
Police have warned priests and mass-goers not to sell midnight mass tickets on the black market in the run up to Christmas, as worried worshipers will part with up to £1000 according to a survey today.
Yesterday, three priests were arrested in the county for selling tickets for midnight mass at extortionate prices with one priest from Gortin throwing in a confession free of charge on the spot.
A spate of burglaries in Augher have been put down to desperate Catholics raiding houses rumoured to have tickets stashed away for the festive period.
A Vatican official issued a statement earlier, condemning the priests caught selling tickets after funerals and other services. Cardinal Schillaci added:
“This must stop. You should not be getting caught selling tickets for midnight mass, especially to the elderly. There are other ways to go about it. Selling tickets at funerals is despicable. Raffle them at an online bazaar or something.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican are considering a Pay Per View service for midnight mass for those without a ticket.
Anger In Augher As Man Fixes Hair In Car At Petrol Pump After Paying
There was an acute sense of anger in Augher last night after a customer spend nearly two minutes fixing his hair at a petrol pump after paying despite two cars waiting for a free pump.
The man, who was described as ‘local’, even hoked about under his seat for probably a 50p or even less before slowly pulling out after he carefully put his seat belt on and messed around with the windscreen wipers.
Collie McKenna, who waited for nearly SIX minutes watching the customer fill his tank, go in to pay and then groom himself, fumed:
“I totally lost it and started banging my steering well. He was ruffling away at his hair in the driver’s vanity mirror before he even turned the ignition and I’m sure he could see me flashing my lights and giving him the middle finger. This is what society has come to. “
Garage owner Danny Hillock has vowed to look into the matter but warned McKenna that his subsequent behaviour in the garage was unacceptable, wrecking the wheaten bread section as he walked in, in bad temper.
Augher Husband In A&E After Putting Quality Street Wrappers Back In Tin Once Too Often
An Augher librarian is said to be in a stable condition having been attacked with large bars of Toblerone by his wife after putting empty wrappers back into the Quality Street tin despite repeated warnings.
Conor De Burgh (44) was beaten by four different types of Toblerone bars over a period of three minutes. The assault was so serious that all four bars were said to be inedible unless melted for some kind of dessert.
Mrs De Burgh (61) admitted to the attack but claimed she’d do it again in a heartbeat:
“I’ve warned him for years. And this Christmas I gave nine specific warnings over the course of three days. But he still kept putting empty wrappers back in. He even put wrappers from a Cadbury’s Heroes tin into the Nestle Quality Street one. He’s a monster.”
Police have decided not to arrest Mrs De Burgh and have suggested that her husband attends a course on chocolate eating etiquette. Constable John Morton added that ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t more severe by using two Toblerones at once’.
Meanwhile, a rise in donkeys for presents has seen a marked increase in donkey excrement on the streets of Clogher and Augher. Local community groups have called on all donkey owners to carry around bin liners.
Online Petition To Rewrite End Of Titanic Has Over 100 Signatures
Silly end?
After a petition to force a rewrite to the end of Game of Thrones gained over 1.5m signatures, an avid movie fan from Augher has managed to obtain over 100 similarly minded petition signers to ask for a rewrite to the end of Titanic.
The movie, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, ended with Winslet pushing Leonardo off a raft, sending him into an icy grave alongside the boat itself. Then all of a sudden DiCaprio and the boat make a dramatic recovery and they both get a round of applause by everyone who all seem to have survived too, before tackling Winslet romantically.
Augher lumberjack Kevin McCaughey added:
“It was completely stupid. The boat had been ripped in half and DiCaprio already murdered by Winslet. Then they’re all alive again and people clapping on the stairway at the magic of it all. I’m calling for a rewrite, wherein Winslet gets arrested in the water by a policeman who was passing by on a boat, and she is hanged.”
McCaughey revealed he is aims to start petitions regarding the ending of E.T. which will see the alien staying and integrating into American society, getting a job as a lab technician in a school but finally dying of heart failure having ballooned in weight to over 23 stone.
Augher Woman May Take Decorations Down Today
An Augher woman is said to ‘be in two minds’ whether to take down the decorations today or to leave them up for another lock of days.
Although a decision is to be made around 2pm today depending on her mood and how the children are getting on, close friends reckon they’ll definitely be the first decorations down in the greater Clogher Valley area by tonight.
Mrs McKenna is believed to have floated the notion to her line-dancing group at their post-Christmas limbering up session on the 27th. Although some were verbally and physically hostile to the decision, others were reportedly secretly willing her on to be the first house in Augher since records began to take the decorations down before New Year’s Eve.
An anonymous source confirmed:
“I hope she bloody does it. It’ll set a precedent and although there’s a chance she’ll be burned out of it by local fanatics, we’ll stand with her. I’ve already secretly removed 17 balls from my tree and no one batted an eyelid.”
Although very few houses still keep their decorations up until the old traditional date around the 6th of January, it is still frowned upon in mid-Tyrone if they are taken down before Auld Lang Syne is sung.
Strained Marriages As Cabin Fever Sets In Due To Snow And Ice
Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.
Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.
Susie Banchy from Augher explained:
“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”
In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.
Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.
Mass Brawl After Man Fails To Use Hazard Lights To Acknowledge Driver Letting Him Out
Witnesses described scenes in Augher as ‘like a pile of heavyweights brawling’ after the failure to thank a motorist who let another driver out of a side road ended in six arrests and a smashed windscreen.
Jackie Wilson, a 44 year old plumber from Fivemiletown, admitted he flipped after another driver declined to show his hazard lights despite being let out of a junction near the Clogher Rd roundabout.
“I stopped for about 10 seconds to let the bastard out. He sneaked out safely and I did think it odd that he didn’t raise his index finger to acknowledge me. I was sure he’d turn on the hazard lights as a gesture of gratititude but instead he put shoe to the burd and drove off.”
Wilson went on the explain how he chased the offender until they stopped at a junction, got out of his car and pulled the 62-year old retired teacher, Harry Jones, through the wound-down driver’s window.
“I admit I threw a real wobbler. Unfortunately the man’s three sons were also in the motor and they piled on to the fight too. Several bystanders got stuck in too, just for something to do I think.”
Jones, who is being treated for a bruised backside after being dragged through the window of his motor, revealed his hazard lights were broken anyway and that he definitely did put his finger up. He received three penalty points and a £120 fine for the hazard light malfunction.
What’s On Tyrone TV This Weekend
Saturday
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
Sunday
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Stormont To Change R & L Driving Plates After Sectarian Attacks On Inexperienced Drivers
Learner driver or Loyalist?
Government officials are this week to debate new letterings for learner and restricted drivers after a spate of attacks on inexperienced drivers has been blamed on an online rumour that L plates were used by Loyalist drivers and R plated cars were owned by Republicans.
Transport Minister Martina Mulgrew believes that a new lettering system will put an end to cars being egged and sometimes given the middle finger to:
“Somebody started this rumour about the Illuminati and stuff and that R plates were used by rampant republicans whereas L plates were only used by Loyalist fanatics and that only a few people knew about it. The way young people are now, they believed it straight away without questioning it because it was on the Internet. My son was using an R plate recently and couldn’t understand why he was getting the middle finger from everyone when he drove up the Shankill Road. Even the lollypop lady called him a fenian bastard.”
The newly proposed system intends to replace R with NG (nearly good) and L with BD (bad driver). Local social standards commentator Linda Farrell insists the new system isn’t politically correct enough:
“Being labelled a BD (bad driver) will make them a target for bullies and sneerers. It could easily stand for Bob Dylan, behavioural disorder or Big Dick. You’re opening a can of worms here. Then NG could be interpreted as nice girl or Nazi Germany. We need more time to think this over.”
Meanwhile, a move to force motorists to drive on the right side of the road in Fintona, Fivemiletown and Augher from tomorrow as part of a plan to gradually phase the whole county over by 2020, has been described as a brilliant idea by a man in Clogher.
Augher Civil Engineer ‘Not All That Civil’ Claim Clogher Residents
New Clogher Millennium Bridge
A 44-year old civil engineer from Castlehill Gardens in Augher has been labelled ‘fairly uncivil‘ by long-suffering Clogher folk who have described their latest bridge ‘unfit for purpose’ after it was seen swaying when an Airbus bound for Alaska flew over, 30’000 feet above the structure.
Noel Burns, who won a case against him in 2007 by The Concerned Clogher Committee (CCC) when accused of making roads worse by putting dead ends on them, maintained the bridge is a stiff as the Eiffel Tower and has told Clogher ones to quit whinging or he’ll not look kindly on the new planning permission for clean water in the village.
CCC chairperson Melanie Liffey is adamant Burns is doing things on purpose to wind up his near neighbours:
“The swaying ‘Millennium Bridge’ is just the latest structural cock-up he has landed on Clogher on purpose. Last year he was given the job of building the Clogher Historical Building in the town centre. Didn’t he build it with no windows or electrical provisions so it was completely dark and then overlooked plumbing needs so people had to just hold it in if nature called. He sabotages us at every opportunity and keeps getting away with it. Civil engineer my arse.”
Burns was also accused of building four new roads out of Clogher from 2003 with dead ends so that no one could ever leave the town or indeed arrive in it. Tourism dropped 133% over the following 4 years with new fashions and trends unable to penetrate the historical village. Experts reckon Clogher is still on 2009 time with many currently distraught at hearing of Michael Jackson’s untimely death.
The bridge is currently operational at your own risk.
What’s On Tyrone TV Over Christmas
CHRISTMAS EVE
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
CHRISTMAS DAY
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Armagh last July
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies
Ardboe men eating eels after a charge of drink
Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.
When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.
The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:
- The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
- Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
- Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
- Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals
Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:
“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”
Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:
- Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
- Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
- Reclaim Ballinderry
- Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
- Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms
The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.
Augher Man Grows Beard In Effort To Avoid Pub Debt. Fails.
McConnell – but which one?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Augher has failed in his bid to avoid paying a £40 debt he owes to a local hostelry by growing a beard and pretending to be his own non-existent twin brother.
Alphy McConnell, an unemployed grass grower from Augher, had worked up a debt of £42.60 at the McGee’s Bar on the Crossowen Road, Tavern comprising 14 pints of Guinness and 9 packets of barbeque-flavoured NikNaks.
Kevin McGee, owner of the bar said,
“That bollox needs to wise up. He came in here with a bad beard and limp, pretending to be this twin brother of his from Clogher, talking with this squeaky accent and looking all shifty. To be fair, a lot of them Clogher ones are like that, so I wasn’t sure at first”.
Keenan continued,
“He refuses to admit it, but it’s only a matter of time. Alphy could never remember his own name after a few pints, so he’ll struggle trying to remember someone else’s who doesn’t even exist”.
Challenged on his identity, McConnell continued to deny who he was.
“No, it’s definitely not me, I’m my brother Sean. Alphy’s away to Americay to work. Aye. He might not be back. He’s a good boy though. Mighty craic. I wouldn’t pull that sort of stunt, but there’s this boy off the TV news who reads the news right? Everyone thought he was a right clift, so he grew a beard so that people wouldn’t think it’s him. Not that that’s where I got the idea. Or I should say Sean. No, Alphy. Hold on, what did I say my name was?”
McConnell’s mother, 58-year old Oonagh, said,
“That boy’s as thick as mince. He’s even tried that rubbish on with me, just because he scoffed two whole packets of Kimberley Mikados at the weekend and he knew I’d go off the bap. He waltzed in pretending to be his twin bother and expecting his own ma to fall for it. Jaysus, I knew it was 30 years ago but I’d certainly remember if I had pushed more than one version of that eejit out my clacker in Dungannon Hospital”.
McConnell was eventually caught writing out his Christmas cards when he kept having to ask how to spell ‘Sean’.
Killyman Octogenarian Wins Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013. Bookies Stumped.
A happy McVeigh
84 year old Terence McVeigh has surprisingly lifted the Tyrone’s Sexiest Farmer 2013 title after impressing judges with his handling of livestock, machinery and general working attire during an observation at his farm on the Moy Road last week. McVeigh, who was previously a finalist in 1963, beat off stiff competition from six other finalists, including the former Miss Levi Jeans of Kildress 1988, Masie McGinn.
Judges delivered their verdict at a packed field in Clogher, after a final parade of contestants around the yard, to a stunned silence. Apart from Kildress’s McGinn, Augher blonde bombshell 23-year old Jenny McKenna was also a bookie’s favourite having just taken up farming last Summer in order to win this competition.
Paddy Power spokesperson Deirdre McAlinden told us:
“It’s a great result for us but there’s something fishy about this. McVeigh has a permanent stoop, just the one eye and hasn’t washed his farming since the mid-70s. Jenny McKenna was 6-1 on and just last year won the Augher Rear of the Year. It makes no sense at all, though we’re sucking diesel financially.”
When asked to explain their scoring, a rather evasive Tom Mulholland remarked:
“It was an easy decision. Ask any woman – the way to a Tyrone girl’s heart is how a man dungs out the yard. McVeigh may have taken three hours to do it, but he was meticulous. He was covered head to toe in manure and sweat but sure isn’t that one of the best sights any man, woman or beast wants. McKenna may have the painted nails, designer jeans and high heeled wellies but she was trying to shear a bull when we arrived down. And let’s be honest, Miss Levy Jeans of Kildress 1988 has let herself go a bit.”
McVeigh said he was going to celebrate his success with a ‘slap of buttermilk and potatoes’. He also stressed that supplying ‘a baste of a turkey’ to the Mulholland household every Christmas was coincidental.
He wins a year’s supply of wellington boots.
Tyrone Tribulations 