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Glory Hunting Prince Harry To Marry One Of The Mackles From The Moy

 

prince-harry-crop_0 copy

Horrible Photoshop Effort of Harry

Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions. 

 

Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.

Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:

“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “

Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.

Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.

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Shock As Newly Wed Couple Perform Traditional First Dance

first-dance-576x384Despite rumours of an appearance by Elton John and the use of a herd of dancing elephants from Dublin Zoo, a newly wed couple from Benburb performed a traditional first dance at their wedding reception, slowly moving to Islands In The Stream by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, much to the shock and awe of a 250-strong guest list. 

Peter Small and Lisa Hughes, who married after a 15-year courtship, managed to fool onlookers by having fireworks, a troop of little people, dogs and a PSNI water cannon lying around the reception, sparking rumours of a spectacular opening dance. Video footage subsequently showed guests preparing themselves for the anticipated extravaganza up to 30 minutes before the dance by standing on chairs and setting up tripods.

Videographer Patsy Killen admitted he was blown away by their performance:

“I’d heard rumours that Peter was going to fling Lisa up on top of the chandelier that was going to turn into a diamond-studded staircase which she’d walk down whilst twerking to some rap tune about muthafookers. You know, the standard stuff. Well, our jaws dropped when we saw them move slowly to the dulcet tones of Dolly and Kenny.”

Still disbelieving, guests waited patiently for the track to change mid-song, probably sparking a dance routine involving the bridal party whipping each other and the groom’s aged grandfather dabbing furiously to Snoop Doggy Dog. When nothing happened and the song ended, the hall erupted into rapturous applause with some guests reportedly crying with happiness.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Well since 1998 anyway. They just….slow danced. It was quite remarkable.”

Mr and Mrs Small also refused to have a chocolate fountain and turned down the opportunity to be photographed peering around a tree in the middle of a lake.

Moy To Be Totally Run On Human Waste By 2020

kenya_human_waste_bioreactor_2The Moy, which is set to become the first area in the new Mid Ulster Council district to have access to natural gas as a fuel source early next year, have revealed plans to be completely self-sufficient on human waste within 5 years.

If deadlines are met, The Moy will join Fjikillippo in Iceland as the only hamlets on the planet run on excrement and wind, which economists reckon will bring millions of pounds to the area in tourism.

Moy Mayor Paul Montague is confident that the current projections are accurate:

“I am 100% committed to the 2020 project and I’m completely convinced we’ll have a fossil fuel free village before long. There’ll be no electricity poles or pylons as far as the eye can see or as far as Benburb even. We’ll link everything up to a big dungeon-type cage in the ground where people can dump their waste into or even do the business there and then over it. We’ll be using loads of Christmas tree car fresheners all over the place to disguise the smell.”

Neighbouring Eglish have reacted to the news with cynicism. Former Eglish GAA captain Mattie McGreenan growled:

“On one hand they’ve always been full of shite up in The Moy so they should have plenty of fuel for a century. But this is taking the piss. There’s no way them Moy ones will have the stomach for ferrying their excrement from their homes to that pit-type thing they’re storing it in. And how on earth are they going to transport their flatulence to the pit? It’s a farce.”

To the final question, Mayor Montague admitted their transporting of human wind has yet to be successfully solved but suggested it might simply be a case of using air-tight jam jars.

Plans To Reintroduce Wolves To Caledon And Benburb

By Landan Seamy

Benburb in 2016?

Benburb in 2016?

Imagine the thrill of lying in bed on a windswept December night listening to the hair raising howls from the moors as the wolves hunt their next victim. If local conservationist Pat “the wild man” Devlin and his 11 friends have their way this is what the future could hold for parts of Tyrone.

Pat and his team say plans to bring wolves back to Caledon and Benburb are “at an advanced stage”.

 

 

“People claim that we have not thought this through”

explained Pat,

“but we have watched all the Jurassic Park films and know how things could go wrong so to be on the safe side we have chosen 2 areas with sparse populations and with absolutely no players on the Tyrone county squad. Both places are practically in Armagh anyway so I don’t see what all the fuss is about”.

Pat is convinced that there’ll be no disaster anyway.

“Whilst the cynics just see problems I just see benefits for the local economy. Just think of the euros and dollars pouring in. If some of that money crosses the border to Armagh then good luck to them. People have asked me if I’ll be introducing lions and tigers next. That’s just pure ignorance. Those animals never lived in Ireland. The gist of my plan is to return, to their natural habitats, the animals dispossessed by Cromwell”.

Pat has met with some opposition from local farmers and mothers with young children.

“I can understand their concerns” he sympathises “but they’ll just have to get on with it”.

People say he’s crazy” added Sean who like some of the other 11 is actually one of Pat’s sons.

“But when has a madman ever influenced 11 others. As my father keeps reminding us 12 is a respectable number. Jesus had 12 disciples; Jacob had 12 sons; Christmas has 12 days and the 12th is one of the biggest days in the northern calendar”.

And on that last fact” interrupted Pat,

“if our fellow county men don’t stop moaning I’ll take the idea to Paisley’s country. It’d actually save us all a lot of time for once we rescue the wolves from the zoo we’d practically be in Antrim already”.

When pressed to state when exactly the wolves are to be “returned” Pat smiled and tapped his nose before saying “plans are an at an advanced stage but if I gave you an exact date the big noises in the zoo in Belfast would probably try and stop us“.

Benburb Wet Sponge £30 Charity Funds ‘A Quare Lift’ Say Greek Authorities

£36

£36

The Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society have been hailed as ‘saints’ after they raised £36 from a wet sponge game and donated £30 of it to Greece, strengthening their ancient ties with their sister city, Athens.

Greek treasurer and former Benburb Pipe Band member Pathos Havalavaho admitted the £30 was a ‘quare lift’ for his nation but questioned the retention of the £6 by the Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society for administrative costs including expenses such as sponges and bucket.

“We are very grateful for the £30 but questions have to be asked about the remaining £6. Surely the sponges could have been donated and buckets aren’t exactly scare. This reeks of corruption but I still welcome the £30. It has given us a quare lift.”

Benburb, which was twinned with Athens in 1954 in what appears to be a spelling error when Beirut were firm favourites at the time to pair up with the Greek capital, have promised to hold future events to help ‘those less fortunate than us in Benburb’.

Moy entrepreneur and triangle maker Johnny Padden doubted whether Benburb charity people would honour that promise.

“On hundreds of occasions we’ve asked our neighbours in Benburb to raise money for the upkeep of our lovely flower beds in the village centre but they haven’t given us a bean. Yet, they’re flirting with the Greeks now. And another thing, Greece will never see that £6 as yer man Jordan who runs that charity in Benburb was steaming full earlier in Tomney’s. Crook.”

Meanwhile, Benburb Sunday passed off peacefully last weekend with only one man caught urinating.

Derryfubble Militia Launch “We Exist” Protest Campaign

This might be Derryfubble

This might be Derryfubble

Derryfubble, an undefined place somewhere near Benburb, have announced the commencement of violent protest against nearly every media outlet, including Tyrone Tribulations, until they start mentioning more news about the general Derryfubble area – starting from December 1st. 

Carefully choosing the run up to Christmas for maximum disruption, the Derryfubble Militia revealed they have stockpiled an arsenal of weapons including ‘thick French bangers that’ll bang so hard your ears will be ringing for hours’ as well as hockey sticks and rotten vegetables.

Derryfubble, which is a sort of a townland but not quite, comes from the Irish Doire Fubble which suggests a family by the name of Fubble from Derry were evicted from their home, probably in the 1800s for rustling or in-breeding, and settled in a field on the outskirts of the more bustling Benburb. The only remaining Fubble in the phone-book resides in Limavady but he refused to answer our questions and threatened to shoot us if we mentioned that place again, his face twitching a lot.

Spokesman for the Derryfubble Militia added:

“We’re sick and tired of the media’s discrimination towards Derryfubble. Just last week a badger was run over on the Derryfubble Road and not a bit of it was reported on any news outlet. We scoured BBC, UTV, local papers and even Sky News and Al Jazeera. It’s like we’re the dirty secret of Tyrone. Sure we’re not even a category on your website. Well, one-by-one we’ll be hitting various outlets with the bangers and stuff until we see fair play. We exist!”

Benburb proprietor Johnny Jordan admitted he was at a loss as to who was in the Derryfubble Militia:

“I’ve lived here for 65 years and have driven up and down the Derryfubble Road every day but not once have I arrived in a place called Derryfubble. I haven’t a buckin clue where it actually is or who lives in it. They have an accordian band but even the players say they’re not Derryfubblians. It’s odd this altogether.”

In order to keep our part of the bargain, Tyrone Tribulations agreed to publish a poem that includes Derryfubble in it, by Paul Jennings:

BALLYBURBLING

Ballymackleduff, Derryfubble, Benburb – Address of subscriber in Northern Ireland Telephone Directory

Oh, the world was full of grievin’, an’ when I’d had enough
I packed me bag and set me face towards Ballymackleduff;
White houses nestle there, all far from toil an’ trouble
(0 the lough an’ the sea birds, an’ sweet Derryfubble!).
I thought me heart would melt for joy, an’ nothin’ might disturb
The peace that I’d be findin’ in beautiful Benburb.

O, the friends of me youth was there to make me comin’ merry,
First I drank with Mick the Tanner just a mile from Fubblederry
An’ Roaring Pat was waitin’ in the bar at Mackleben.
‘Begod,’ says he, ‘have one with me’; three jolly Irish men
With all the pints o’ porter, the gossip an’ the cackle.
’Twas dancin’ in the road we was that goes to Berrymackle.

Then up spake Mick the Tanner that was born in Fubblemack:
‘The boys at Ballyfubble will be glad to see ye back –
Let’s be goin’ to O’Reilly’s, where the Fiddler of Benbally
An’ the Fubblederry Fluter is in his Dancin’ Palais
An’ the girls from Ferrymackle an’ from Bubblefurbyduff
Is doin’ all the jiggin’ an’ the rock-an’-rollin’ stuff.’

Ah, hadn’t we the time at all at Glubbymacklederry
With all the folk from Grabble an’ from Ballygubble ferry

An’ Mackledubblegurgle, an’ Blubberderryglen
An’ the lasses from Dubmackle, an’ the rantin’ Burble men,
The Squintin’ Men from Brackle, an’ Mrs Tom Macnally
An’ the seven black-haired sisters that live over in Duffbally.

An’ wilder came the music from the Fubblederry Flute
An’ Mick was drinking Guinness from the Widow Leary’s boot

An’ Roarin’ Pat was fightin’ with a man from Derryburble
That laid him out and wrote a sign that said DO NOT DISTURBLE.
Oh, shut was all the factories, and open all the bars,
There was laughter in the lamplight and kissin’ by the stars,
Delight in Derryfubble; and Benburb was full of song;
Ah, Ballymackleduff! Why did I stay away so long?

 

Clonoe Cross-Community Cage Fighting Event A ‘Huge Success’, Say Organiser

Two Clonoe Women Go At It

Two Clonoe Women Go At It

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A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.

The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.

“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.

Participant Steve Lewis said,

“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”

McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.

“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.

McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.

Most Tyrone People Still In Bed After Armagh Defeat

Coalisland at 11am

Coalisland at 11am

Following their harrowing three-point defeat to neighbours Armagh, it was reported that by midday today only three Tyrone people had ventured out of their house and one of those was to lock the front gates.

The loss, which sees Tyrone exit the championship in mid July, comes on top of the cancelled Brooks concerts, leaving locals with little to look forward to apart from a weekend in Bundoran here and there.

Trisha Mullen from Benburb described the scene:

“It’s a deadly quiet place at the minute. The roads are empty for fear of seeing an Armagh person. No one wants to talk even. I thought I spotted movement in a hedge near Eglish but that could have been anything. My husband did set one foot out but an Armagh Carpets van drove past and he got teary eyed and said ‘feck that’ and went back to bed. There’ll not be many fields cut this week.”

Psychologist and Armagh fanatic Dr Tony Fearon reckons the double whammy of Brooks and Tyrone will have shattered even the most resilient Tyronnie. Speaking from his house in Portadown, he added:

“It’s a severe blow to the Tyrone psyche. All that’s left now is reruns of Glenroe and slagging each other. Rub it up them I say.”

Producers of a remake of The Good The Bad And the Ugly have moved quickly and filmed several scenes in ‘ghost towns’ across the county.

Meanwhile, the Tyrone management have scotched rumours that Mickey Harte plans to give every man in the county a game by the time he retires in 2020, in order to raise spirits. Spokesman Pat Quinn fumed:

“Hardly everyone, like. It’d be suicide sticking a lame 80-year old on that big McKeever lump from Armagh. He’d ate him.”

Moy Hunter Nearly Takes Head Clean Off Easter Bunny

McKeown, concerned

McKeown, concerned

The head of the Moy Riflers Association (MRA), Harry Mackle, has initiated an investigation into an incident described as “an inch away from an Easter Day Massacre”. 

The almost-tragic accident occurred at 3am this morning on the Benburb Road whilst members of the MRA were out hunting for bears or wolves as they do once a month. Unbeknownst to Mackle and co, Pat McKeown had at the same time donned an Easter bunny costume and was leaving a trail of chocolate eggs from his wife’s bed to a secluded spot near the Moy football field.

McKeown added:

“I’d been planning this for weeks. It’s our 10th wedding anniversary and I was hoping she’d wake up at 4am and see the trail, follow it down the road and find me here in my Bunny costume where I’d serenade her with my bugle, probably some Nathan Carter number. It was all going to plan. Well, until three bullets whizzed past by ear.”

Mackle, who wasn’t out hunting bears that night, feels sympathy for his riflers and maintains he’d do the same in that position:

“You need to realise, we’re primed for expecting bears and wolves. We’re killing machines. Since we set up nine years ago, not a shot has been fired in anger as there doesn’t appear to be many bears left in Ireland. But, we’re always cocked and if you see this big bunny in front of you with a bugle in his hand, it’d be hard not to blow the head clean off it.”

Luckily, one of the riflers recognised McKeown’s bugle and an apology was made. All made it back for a moonlit drinking session in an illegal shebeen in the village.

Meanwhile, McKeown has reported his wife as ‘missing’.

Moy Locals Ordered To ‘Do Themselves Up A Bit’ After Moy Park World Cup Announcement

moy_park_1Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.

Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:

“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”

Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:

“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”

Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:

“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”

Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.

Dr Who Might Film Future Episodes In Benburb And Greencastle

dr-who-s0-08To coincide with the present furore over the Dr Who 50th anniversary, BBC producers have revealed they are considering basing a couple of episodes during the next series in the heart of Tyrone. The time travelling alien humanoid is set to roam the ramparts of Benburb searching for intelligent life before ending up raking about Greencastle in the future to prevent Daleks from Kildress kidnapping the Sperrin Ladies Football team.

Mixed reaction to the news has dampened the initial excitement after this morning’s announcement. Benburb historian Paddy Jordan admitted he wasn’t sure if this was a good thing at all:

“The last thing Benburb needs is another doctor with dubious qualifications. There was an American boy here a few years ago and called himself a doctor. We built him a surgery and all and sure he never cured one person. No matter what ailment you had, he’d rub a docken leaf over it. Even for tonsillitis, dizziness or piles. Turns out he was no more a doctor than Paisley was.”

Greencastle Dr Who fanatic Diarmuid Elvin has welcomed the news but told the new doctor to heed his warning:

“This can only be a good thing for Kildress. We’ll probably not be around when the Kildress Daleks come for our Ladies team in 3o11 so if the good doctor can put a spanner in their works we’ll take him in. But he needs to realise that the Kildress Daleks will probably be like nothing he has met before. Them boys’ll be savage, probably biting and giving deadly slagging out to him. He’ll need to be thick-skinned.”

‘The Search For Intelligent Life In Benburb’ begins filming in the Spring. The BBC have respectfully asked residents not to be annoying the Doctor with the worn-out ‘Knock Knock….Who’s There?… Dr….Dr Who….How did you know?….’ joke routine.

Tyrone Under Siege As Dangerous Bear On The Loose. Answers To The Name ‘Bungle’.

How Bungle may look

Artist’s crude impression of how Bungle may look

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Residents in the Benburb area were warned by PSNI last night to stay indoors whilst they search for a bear which has escaped and is currently on the loose, believed to be somewhere near Donnelly’s Hill.

The bear, which is understood to have been once-domesticated by its owner, Englishman Geoffrey Hayes, answers to the name of ‘Bungle’, and is said to be dangerous.

A spokesman for the PSNI, Sean Robertson, said,

“This animal has a distinctive look about him. He has a bit of a squashed-up face and apparently is really really feckin’ clumsy, so if people are out searchin’ that’s what to look out for. Plus the fact he’s a 6-foot tall bear. That should help”.

Animal-handler Hayes, wearing a brightly coloured jumper and gripping an electric cattle prod, lamented,

“He used to be a lovable bear, slightly slow on the uptake, but then sometimes aren’t we all?” he said. “He even made some appearances on television back in the day. But he’s now over 40 years of age and he can get sometimes get a wee touch irritable. Especially with 4,000 volts up him”.

The hunt has produced a number of eager bounty hunters from the area who believe there may be a reward available.

“I’m told he looks like that big fierce Chewbaccy fecker out of Star Trek”, maintained Gerry McGee, a part-time soap dispenser from Brocagh. “One of thon police boys said there’s a bounty on its head. I didn’t realise bears even liked chocolate. Still, I’m going to bag it, once I’ve dusted down thon Armalite rifle that I don’t have hidden out in the back shed along with the ammunition that doesn’t exist. Ye boy ye”.

The search continued for most of yesterday evening, and included three companions of Hayes’, Freddy, Jane and Rod, all singers and dancers from out of the area. The search was called off for the evening after the three unaccountably broke into a song about puddles.

Concern for the safety of residents increased after the bear reportedly attacked a small hippopotamus which, owing to a virtually unheard-of pigmentation defect, was entirely pink.

It is believed Hayes and the bear were staying in temporary accommodation in the county after travelling to Ardboe area, having apparently mistaken it for another place called ’Rainbow’, before the bear escaped.

The Moy ‘Deadly Sad’ This Morning

The Moy, an hour ago

The Moy, an hour ago

The Moy, a south-east Tyrone hamlet famous for being near Benburb, was this morning said to be in total depair after their senior football side were narrowly defeated by nine points in their semi-final yesterday. Only one local resident has ventured out of their house so far today to buy bread and stuff. She reportedly gave the fingers to a car that beeped at her, suspecting it to be an Eglish rapscallion.

Gregory Jordan, a 49 year old Far-East Christmas pantomime villain, reckons it’ll take a long time to get over this:

“This is worse than I dreaded it would be. We really thought this was the year. 1920. 19 buckin 20 was our last title. There’s a boy up the road there who says he remembers it. He’s in his 70s so it’s quite possible. He always says that in 1921 there was a curse put on the area by a witch doctor from Charlemont after an altercation between himself and the local PP over who wrote the words of ‘Blanket On The Ground’. I’m starting to believe in it. This is cat. I’d made 600 paper hats for the final with ‘The Moy Are Lethal’ on them. I’d say we’ll not recover from this til about 6pm or so.”

Local communities have since rallied around with supplies of spuds, joke books and toilet rolls delivered by the good people of Killyman on a big lorry. Donaghmore’s Malachi Cush has promised to take part in a ‘Cheer Up’ concert, committing himself to singing a rap version of the aforementioned ‘Blanket On The Ground’.

Susan McKearney, a 71-year old Gospel reader, acknowledged the goodwill gestures from neighbours:

“It’s very thoughtful. But it’ll take more than Cush rapping, Andrex Puppies and Kerr’s Pinks to get over those Carmen hoors’.

Moy PRO was unable to comment as he’s somewhere ‘on the continent’.

G8 Police Deny Claims They’re So Bored They’re Playing An Enormous Game Of Hide And Seek

Cop in Galbally this morning, wrecking about.

Cop in Galbally this morning, wrecking about.

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The PSNI were forced to respond yesterday to allegations that the extra police drafted in to the county for the G8 summit in Enniskillen have been so bored that they have resorted to playing children’s games and making preposterous allegations against residents.

The claims come following the arrest of Joe McElduff of Cappagh, who was lifted on Sunday evening on a charge of attempted arson whilst trying to light a barbeque in his garden in the rain. A number of what the police called ‘strange-smelling items’ were also removed from his property that subsequently turned out to be some burgers he had bought from Aldi in Dungannon. He was later released without charge.

On Monday, twenty-nine cattle were detained in a field near Benburb for four hours by over 200 officers in a controversial practice known as ‘kettling’, on the grounds that they were ‘acting suspiciously’ and ‘loitering with intent’, whilst a woman having lunch in Askin’s in Ballygawley was cautioned for ‘eating without due care and attention’ after she dribbled some mayonnaise down her chin.

Other people have claimed that a county-wide game of policeman hide and seek is underway, which is why officers are spending so much time parked on top of bridges and key access points across the county, as they try to spot colleagues who are in hiding in ditches, barns and fields.

DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI refuted the claims, saying,

“The PSNI and our mutual colleagues from across the water offer the highest standards of professionalism, a level that is demanded to protect some of the world’s leaders”.

The G8 is being policed by 4,400 PSNI officers together with some 3,600 who have been drafted in from England.

“These ridiculous claims that there’s some sort of childish game going on is a complete fabrication”,

whispered Robertson, from half-way up a tree in a field near Clogher.

Meanwhile 76-year old farmer Finbar Kerr from Plumbridge was stopped for allegedly speeding at over 80 miles per hour in a 1976 Massy Ferguson tractor and link box, whilst going from one field to another.

“80 miles an hour?” said a peeved Kerr. “That thing wouldn’t do 80 miles an hour if you pushed it off a cliff. Them police have nothing to do all day but sit. I have 3,000 litres of dirty diesel sitting out the back in a tank and they never so much much as looked at it. Call themselves policemen?”

We’re here to do an important job”, said DI Joseph Bruce of the Yorkshire Constabulary. “There are dangerous criminals about and it’s our job to catch them. Which, if they’re as good as hiding as the PSNI, may take some time”.

Benburb Man Doesn’t Like Champ. Mixed Reception.

No more for Rafferty's mouth

No more for Rafferty’s mouth

shengas

By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

A 28-year old Benburb joiner finally admitted to his family yesterday lunchtime that he doesn’t like champ, and never has. Aiden Rafferty’s dramatic ‘coming out’ occurred during a chicken roast dinner at his ma’s house in the Tullydowey Road before Eastenders on RTE, when he finally plucked up the courage to tell his father Tom, mother Mary, and two sisters Roisin and Rachel.

“Growing up I knew I was different to the other kids,” said Rafferty. “They were all just horsing the champ into them like mad and I just wasn’t like that. I was always confused about my feelings towards the potato. Some of the kids used to call me hurtful names, ‘potater hater’ and all that. I tried to ignore the cruel jibes but it was never easy, especially the Dungannon ones at the Academy.”

It has emerged that his family are still adjusting to the news. Late last night a fight was reportedly broken up outside the Benburb Arms involving Tom Rafferty who reacted violently to a bit of gentle slagging about his ‘champion son’ and other potato-related puns.

 “When I told my da he just stood up and walked out the room. He only came back when mum brought out the Blue Ribands. He hasn’t talked to me since. I think it’s hard for him to accept me as I am, him being originally from Eglish and all. My mum has been more supportive, and my sister Roisin said that she always suspected I didn’t like champ. I’ve been keeping this inside me for so long, I can now be true to myself and get tore into the basmati rice whenever I like”.

Some locals have reacted badly to the news, calling for Rafferty to be chased out of the townland to somewhere like Donaghmore or Castlecaulfield where other fussy food people live in relevant harmony. Others have welcomed the news, intimating that it will help Benburb stumble into the 21st century.

Rafferty is currently receiving support and counselling from the Champ & Colcannon Aversion Trust in Craigavon, which helps those with potato disinclination. Anyone affected by this article can contact them on 02980 665887.

Benburb Man Caught Drink Driving On Tractor Lawnmower

Jordan in happier times

Jordan in happier times

Benburb erotic fiction writer, Jack Jordan, was fined £20 and warned about his future conduct after he was caught ‘zig-zagging all over the place’ and ‘singing his head off’ on his Mountfield 1430M Lawn Tractor yesterday evening on the Clonfeacle Road.

Jordan, 44, has also been enrolled on a 6-week drink-awareness programme in the Moy in order to curb the desire to commit the same offence again. Strawberry pickers in an adjacent field alerted the police after they witnessed an inebriated man revving his lawnmower ‘a wee bit more than normal’.  Sarah Mullan told us:

“I was picking away when I heard a loud engine sound flashing up the Clonfeacle Road. He must’ve been doing, say, 7mph like. Then the terrible truth was laid bare when I saw Jack, full out of his head on brandy probably, slurring his way through ‘The Black Velvet Band’ at the wheel of his Mountfield 1430M. I was at my wits end thinking of the damage he could do on that. Mrs Glackin up the road has a lovely bed of daisies outside her front hedge. Jack was capable of obliterating the whole lot in this form so I phoned the cops who arrived before any carnage was committed.”

Initially, Jordan defended the accusations vehemently, insisting that Mrs Hughes had just given him ‘a nip of the craytur’ for mowing her bushes in her back field. The breathalyser indicated he was 20 times over the tractor lawnmower limit after which he admitted he’d downed a bottle of Bush as well as a few ‘glasses of stout’ whilst making a hames of Hughes’ field.

“I was only making the short half a mile journey home sure on the Mountfield. All these bloody do-gooders in Benburb would sicken your happiness. That Mullan girl never liked my singing.”

Jordan will attend the lawn-mower drink-awareness programme after Easter and is at present the only person enrolled.

New Reality TV Show For Benburb. ‘Wreckin About’ To Air In July.

Eglish on a Saturday

Benburb on a Saturday

A new reality TV show is to be launched in Benburb later in the year as part of the Benburb Sunday celebrations. Filmed entirely in the area, the show is set to follow three families around for 24 hours a day for ten weeks, called ‘Wreckin About’. Despite initial apathy towards the idea amongst the locals, the Dutch TV company BSE managed to convince three families in the area to take part in the programme which will record their every second on camera, be it at work, home or just wandering about the fields. The first to sign up were the Glackans, one of the quietest families in the area. Gertie Glackan explained their decision:

“Ah sure isn’t it great. They did a trial run last week and all went well. I was afraid there wouldn’t be much happening in the house or Benburb itself and people would turn off the TV in their droves. But you just don’t realise the dramas that happens week in week out. Didn’t the top shower start leaking. It was some handlin. The cameras were up like a shot and filmed the drip. Then a tiler from the Moy turned up to give a quote to fix it. He said £120 all in – £85 for the labour and £35 for the sealant. Well didn’t my Patsy go clean mad and called him all the fleecing bastards of the day and a typical Moy thieving bollocks. It was very dramatic. I pretended to cry to add to the whole atmosphere. Them Dutch ones were loving it.”

The identity of the two other families remain a mystery at the minute but speculation is rife that the Martins, the blow-ins from Eglish who encounter bad manners from locals on a daily basis, have signed up to the project. Last year there was a bit of a scandal when Leo Martin was called ‘an oul woman’ by the Benburb Church cleaner after he turned up for service wearing a jumper tied around his shoulders.

The show will air in July.

 

Benburb Priest Rares Up Over Parking Spot

Well known Benburb cleric, Fr McNally(originally from Maghery), has stunned the Benburb parishioners by going on a verbal rampage during Stations of the Cross tonight in St Mary’s Church. It has emerged that the reason for his outburst surrounded the decision of sacristan Mrs Gildernew to park in his spot outside the vestry door. Although the car park was three-quarters empty, Fr McNally took issue with the sacristan’s manoeuvrings, three minutes before he arrived on the scene.

“I’d never seen the likes of it,” avid church-goer Kitty Mulgrew told us. “The good Father just went berserk calling the whole parish a ‘bunch of selfish pricks‘. He said that’ll be the last time he’ll set foot in this ‘hellhole of a place‘. Then he lit on the Gildernew family saying they were a shower of Eglish blow-ins anyway. It was savage stuff.”

An artist’s impression of Fr McNally

Things took a turn for the worse when he ordered the altar boys to bounce Mrs Gildernew’s car out of his parking square. The young boys, aged 8-11, only managed to slightly move her Ford Ka before Mr Gildernew arrived with a shotgun. Mulgrew added:

“It was like a real western scene, the likes never seen in Benburb before. Patsy Gildernew told the altar boys to get back into the vestry but the Father was blocking their way. It was only when Gildernew threatened to blow his head back to Maghery that Fr McNally relented. Jaysus we thought it was one of them British soaps.”

Mrs Mulgrew has since resigned from her sacristy post and took a taxi home, leaving the car there for badness.

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