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November’s Letter/Fan Mail Page

letter

Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN

DEAR MARIE

It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE

DEAR NOLEEN,

Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry.  LIAM, STRABANE

DEAR LIAM,

I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK

DEAR STEPHEN

To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations, 

I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH

DEAR LEO,

Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.


 

Dear Tyrone Tribulations,

This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST

DEAR BILLY,

100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.

 

JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .

 

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Derryfubble Militia Launch “We Exist” Protest Campaign

This might be Derryfubble

This might be Derryfubble

Derryfubble, an undefined place somewhere near Benburb, have announced the commencement of violent protest against nearly every media outlet, including Tyrone Tribulations, until they start mentioning more news about the general Derryfubble area – starting from December 1st. 

Carefully choosing the run up to Christmas for maximum disruption, the Derryfubble Militia revealed they have stockpiled an arsenal of weapons including ‘thick French bangers that’ll bang so hard your ears will be ringing for hours’ as well as hockey sticks and rotten vegetables.

Derryfubble, which is a sort of a townland but not quite, comes from the Irish Doire Fubble which suggests a family by the name of Fubble from Derry were evicted from their home, probably in the 1800s for rustling or in-breeding, and settled in a field on the outskirts of the more bustling Benburb. The only remaining Fubble in the phone-book resides in Limavady but he refused to answer our questions and threatened to shoot us if we mentioned that place again, his face twitching a lot.

Spokesman for the Derryfubble Militia added:

“We’re sick and tired of the media’s discrimination towards Derryfubble. Just last week a badger was run over on the Derryfubble Road and not a bit of it was reported on any news outlet. We scoured BBC, UTV, local papers and even Sky News and Al Jazeera. It’s like we’re the dirty secret of Tyrone. Sure we’re not even a category on your website. Well, one-by-one we’ll be hitting various outlets with the bangers and stuff until we see fair play. We exist!”

Benburb proprietor Johnny Jordan admitted he was at a loss as to who was in the Derryfubble Militia:

“I’ve lived here for 65 years and have driven up and down the Derryfubble Road every day but not once have I arrived in a place called Derryfubble. I haven’t a buckin clue where it actually is or who lives in it. They have an accordian band but even the players say they’re not Derryfubblians. It’s odd this altogether.”

In order to keep our part of the bargain, Tyrone Tribulations agreed to publish a poem that includes Derryfubble in it, by Paul Jennings:

BALLYBURBLING

Ballymackleduff, Derryfubble, Benburb – Address of subscriber in Northern Ireland Telephone Directory

Oh, the world was full of grievin’, an’ when I’d had enough
I packed me bag and set me face towards Ballymackleduff;
White houses nestle there, all far from toil an’ trouble
(0 the lough an’ the sea birds, an’ sweet Derryfubble!).
I thought me heart would melt for joy, an’ nothin’ might disturb
The peace that I’d be findin’ in beautiful Benburb.

O, the friends of me youth was there to make me comin’ merry,
First I drank with Mick the Tanner just a mile from Fubblederry
An’ Roaring Pat was waitin’ in the bar at Mackleben.
‘Begod,’ says he, ‘have one with me’; three jolly Irish men
With all the pints o’ porter, the gossip an’ the cackle.
’Twas dancin’ in the road we was that goes to Berrymackle.

Then up spake Mick the Tanner that was born in Fubblemack:
‘The boys at Ballyfubble will be glad to see ye back –
Let’s be goin’ to O’Reilly’s, where the Fiddler of Benbally
An’ the Fubblederry Fluter is in his Dancin’ Palais
An’ the girls from Ferrymackle an’ from Bubblefurbyduff
Is doin’ all the jiggin’ an’ the rock-an’-rollin’ stuff.’

Ah, hadn’t we the time at all at Glubbymacklederry
With all the folk from Grabble an’ from Ballygubble ferry

An’ Mackledubblegurgle, an’ Blubberderryglen
An’ the lasses from Dubmackle, an’ the rantin’ Burble men,
The Squintin’ Men from Brackle, an’ Mrs Tom Macnally
An’ the seven black-haired sisters that live over in Duffbally.

An’ wilder came the music from the Fubblederry Flute
An’ Mick was drinking Guinness from the Widow Leary’s boot

An’ Roarin’ Pat was fightin’ with a man from Derryburble
That laid him out and wrote a sign that said DO NOT DISTURBLE.
Oh, shut was all the factories, and open all the bars,
There was laughter in the lamplight and kissin’ by the stars,
Delight in Derryfubble; and Benburb was full of song;
Ah, Ballymackleduff! Why did I stay away so long?

 

The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh

prison-bars-2Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.

Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.

A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.

Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:

“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”

Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.

Adiós Amigos.

Two Tyrone Tribulation Journalists On The Run As PSNI Clamp Down On Lies

Last known photo of Shengas and Gombeen

Last known photo of Shengas and Gombeen

It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider. 

The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.

DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:

“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”

Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:

“It’s a disgrace so it is.”

The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:

“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”

Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.

Tyrone Tribulations Declares Victory Over Car Parking In Dungannon

Our journalist McGlumphie celebrates news

Our journalist McGlumphie celebrates news

Tyrone Tribulations declared itself ‘champion of the people’ after Dungannon Council agreed to provide free car parking in Dungannon town centre in September and October.

The Tyrone-based online news blog claimed that the Council had caved in to pressure following an article that appeared on the Tyrone
Tribulations website on the 4 August in relation to profits generated from the car parking facilities in Dungannon for the last three years.

“This is all down to us”, said journalist Shengas McGlumphie from behind an accumulation of empty whiskey glasses in Hagan’s Bar in Irish Street. “Our campaign to highlight the parking charges in Dungannon, has been a long, arduous, exhausting campaign that started on the 4th of August and finished about 3pm the same day. Jay, there was some drink taken that night boys”, he said. “Although there’s drink taken most nights to be honest”.

He went on,

“Tyrone Tribulations has reported and championed everything from nationalising Hugo Duncan to making Pomeroy less hilly. These are things that really matter to the people of Tyrone. It’s investigative reporting at its best. Today it’s bringing free parking to Dungannon, tomorrow it’ll be bringing the Olympics to Britain or suchlike. Sometimes you’ve got to stand up to the man. Deadly”.

McGlumphie refused to be drawn on reports that the website was little more than a collection of hastily written half-truths, that much of it was simply copied and pasted from the Dungannon Observer, and that the writers lacked communicative style and finesse.

“That’s f***ing bollocks that is”, said McGlumphie. “Tyrone Tribulations is quality reporting at its best. And I can categorically confirm that we have never copied stuff from the Dungannon Observer. Never in a million years. It’s usually the Tyrone Times. The Observer uses tara long words”.

A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone stated that they knew nothing of the campaign and had never heard of Tyrone Tribulations.

Tyrone Tribulations Global Media Ltd, which owns Tyrone Tribulations, continues to be based in a corner of Dungannon Library until such time as they can afford to buy their own computer.

Brantry Says ‘No’ To Further Paddywackery

By Father Riddle Lynn P.P. Portglenone & Greenlough (Excluding Free Moneystaghan)

Young Begley plays guitar whilst holding a microphone stand in her mouth at last year’s event.

Young Begley plays guitar whilst holding a microphone stand in her mouth at last year’s event.

More than a few ginger mono-brows were raised in the county this week with the announcement of the itinerary for this year’s Brantry Fleadh.

Previous festivals in the area have seen performances from the likes of The Sands Family, Beoga and Four Men and a Dog. However, the organisers of the 2014 event have plumped for a more eclectic and diverse line-up. Speaking through the medium of ‘mountainythranness’, steering committee chairman, Crannóg Clougherty (89) told us;

“To be totally honest, the incessant diddley-deeing was doing our fecking crusts in. With that in mind, we have booked James Last and his entire orchestra to headline on Friday night, ably supported by Scottish hardcore street, crossover thrash, punk outfit, The Exploited. Sunday’s main attraction, by way of winding down, will see eight hours of whale sounds and distorted synthesisers performed by space rock combo, ‘Spiritualized’. We’re particularly excited about their intention to play their ‘thinking man’s techno’ version of The Sugababes standard ‘Freak Like Me’.”

The committee have yet to confirm the line-up for the main day of the fleadh but they have agreed to allow a limited number of street sessiuns during the afternoon as a sop to the dangly ear-ring and wheaten waistcoat brigade. However, Crannóg did go on to hint at his hope for the evening’s main gig to be the biggest thing The Brantry has seen since that incident with Sean O’Neill and goat from Caledon.

“Yes, I know it mightn’t be easy but I haven’t given up on reuniting The Beatles for the first time in forty-five years!”

When challenged on how this would even be possible, Clougherty winked at our reporter and produced a handgun containing two bullets.

We put it to the almost-nonagenarian that the radical overhaul was merely an artistic reaction to the fact that no Tyrone teenagers have been appearing on British television talent shows for over three months.

The Brantry yesterday…and in 1585.

The Brantry yesterday…and in 1585.

“I object to that! I’ll have you know that in mediaeval times, The Brantry was renowned for its woods, loughs and rebellious inhabitants. Nowadays, we’d be better known for our rebellious inhabitants, loughs and woods! If there is one thing which I’d accept did influence our change of direction, it’s the fact that, despite continuing protests, our area remains the only one which is denied a capital letter on the list of tags on the Tyrone Tribulations website.”

Brocagh Fun Farm ‘A Bit Of A Let Down’

Early reviews of the new fun farm at Ballybeg in Brocagh have been unfavourable after Tyrone’s latest amenity opened its door to journalists before the grand opening later next month. In return, the farm’s organisers have accused local writers of being ‘too spoilt’ and ‘need to lighten up a bit’.

Tyrone Tribulations’ sightseeing expert Tally Molloy filed her report earlier today and agreed with the general consensus that it could have been a lot better.

It reads as follows:

Larry. Age 22.

Larry. Age 22.

PETTING ZONE: At £10 we were expecting a lot from the experience. The first hint that things might not live up to expectations was the petting zone. What this entailed was lining up behind each other to pet a decaying grey Labrador who was partially blind, lame in two legs and well into her twenties in terms of age. The closer you got to the dog the stronger the stench was getting and on arriving at the petting spot it was hard not to vomit over the creature.

WATERSIDE WALK: In order to sober up after that petting experience

Waterside Walk

Waterside Walk

we were encouraged to take the scenic route to witness the wild animals. Called ‘The Waterside Walk’, this was simply walking up a field alongside a massive puddle left by the rain the previous night. We were told to walk around the puddle five times. A man was topping it up with a hose.

Wild animals

Wild animals

WILD ANIMAL SECTION: We were brought to another field and were given binoculars and told to look at the top of a hill about half a mile away. There we could see about a dozen cows, chewing on grass. That was it.

TEA ROOM: This was a converted shed with concrete floor, one plastic table and six crates for sitting on. They served a plastic cup of mineral for £1 and a packet of crisps for 90p.

Tea room

Tea room

OVERALL EXPERIENCE: Disappointing. The man who showed us around left us for half an hour at the start as he said it was his dinner time.

Ballybeg Petting Farm have promised to tighten up a few loose ends before the grand opening. They also announced that the Petting Zone is temporarily closed after the timely death of Larry the Labrador.

Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”

By Aughoughilley Schnifflesold-man-laughing

Clonoe lad yesterday

Clonoe cub yesterday

Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.

It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.

One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.

 “Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”

He stammered on:

“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”

When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:

“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”

before darting off.

Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.

Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane

Queue for bus in Ardboe

Queue for bus in Ardboe

Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.

Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:

“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”

In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.

Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:

“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”

Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.

Diary Of Drumragh Full Back To Rival Mulligan Book On Shelves. Exclusive Extracts.

An explosive ‘warts and all’ publication by a Drumragh footballer is predicted to wipe the floor with Owen Mulligan’s best-seller ‘Mugsy’ when it is released this weekend in a shop near Tattyreagh. Barney McLoughlin’s ‘ She’s Mine, Boys‘ tells the story of a season in the full back position for one of Tyrone’s most famous clubs against the backdrop of his attempts to win the heart of local farmer girl who’s only related really far out.

In a coup for Tyrone Tribulations, McLoughlin has allowed us access to his sensational autobiography and we are in a privileged position to leak a couple of mind-boggling extracts to our readers.

Jan 15th

FIRST DAY OF TRAINING

Holy Jaysus I did some vomiting there. The boss made us do 2 laps of the field followed by 100 star jumps. We’re not used to this modern hi-tech stuff so the lads are a bit suspicious of boss Maguire. ‘He’s tramping us into shite’ said captain Toner half way through the first lap. We grin and bear it anyway and what keeps me going is the thought that Mary will be in the house treating my da’s veruca in her nurse’s uniform. Even when I’m throwing up I’m thinking of her thick black hair that seems to merge into her skin around her neck, back and front.

March 18th

AWAY TO BROCAGH

Some bating we took. I think it was 4-23 to 1-1 although the referee gave them everything. We might appeal but the boss always says that. My man scored 4-10. On the way home we had some craic and captain Toner mooned out the window at Owen Mulligan in his garden in Cookstown. As luck would have it, Mugsy was mooning at the exact same time to the Tyrone management team so he completely missed us. Mooning is great and bonds us all together or so Captain Toner says. He takes his trousers off a lot come to think of it.

JULY 19th

CHAMPIONSHIP DAY

Took some hiding from Dungannon. I think my man scored 5-12 but I was hung out to dry by the corner backs. I was glad to get home and Mary was treating my father’s bunions. I didn’t know he had any so I’m a bit suspicious now as he’s not related at all to her. I will buy a cord jacket and impress her.

DECEMBER 24TH

LAST LEAGUE GAME

Took a hiding from Fintona. My man scored 3-11 and was taken off at half time. Didn’t finish bottom though and we’re delighted about that. Christmas tomorrow. We all sang Christmas songs in the showers. Captain Toner went a bit far though and gave half the side a personal rendition of Santa Baby, in the nude. Came home to give Mary her present. Wore my cord jacket. Daddy had lipstick all over his face……

The rest of this riveting autobiography ‘She’s Mine, Boys‘ can be purchased for £19.99 at two or three decent bookstores.

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