The unfortunate death of a mysterious Nigerian government official has created a multi-millionaire in Brackaville today, with an unemployed boiler servicer currently £45m richer than he was before he opened the email.
Patsy Nugent, who just happened to see the vital email whilst checking for on-line pictures of a new oil-fired boiler out in Russia, admits he never knew he had a relative in Nigeria or even outside of Tyrone.
“I couldn’t believe it. Some Nigerian businessman called Mr Savevi was killed on safari and in his will he left all his fortune to me as I was his last living relative. His secretary Miss Kuko says I’m to travel to Dublin, pay some man £6000 for storing all the money, and then they’ll hand over the £45m. It’s just too good to be true but I’m a lucky sort of boy.”
Patsy is to book Brackaville Hall this Saturday night to throw a party for the locals, a gesture which has not gone down well with everyone:
“You’d think he’s put on a free bar after his Nigerian windfall. And he has booked More Power To Your Elbow…like he could have gotten Elton John or Mick Jagger for that money. It has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway. The sooner he pisses off to his mates in Nigeria the better.”
neighbour and former close friend Gerry McGroarty told us.
The Edendork Pipe Band are to see off Mr Nugent as he sets out for Dublin, flanking his slow-moving car whilst playing ‘Faith of our Fathers’ and ‘Money, Money, Money’.
Mr Nugent claims he will pay the 6000 in Euros, saving him even more money.
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.