Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
The BBC has revealed that they’re in early talks to produce a new TV quiz show based on the upcoming ‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ board game, depending on how many sales it manages this winter.
The board game, which closely resembles Monopoly with party members accumulating more houses the longer they remain a DUP MLA or MEP despite serious indiscretions, will offers players countless scenarios where they have to decide if it’s a resignation-worthy incident or not.
The fictitious politicians’ misdemeanours include:
- Stealing ice-cream off children in Portrush
- Caught on camera clapping at election posters burning on bonfires
- Running naked through a field in Magherafelt
- Letting their dog defecate in Ormeau Park and smirking at it
- Pretending to work
- Letting down the tyres of the Tyrone team bus before a big game
- Giving the fingers to voters and laughing after being elected
The board game developers have admitted they’ve yet to invent a scenario which could result in a DUP resignation but revealed they are working on it. Two possible scenarios being considered are being caught playing on swings on a Sunday in a play-park in Larne, and privately admitting to another member that the RHI thing was a bit dodgy.
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.
An announcement was made yesterday in Stormont confirming plans that Hugo Duncan, one of Ulster’s most celebrated performers and presenters, is likely to be privatised.
Following the successful privatisation of the Post Office just last week, proponents of the hare-brained scheme are now keen to move forward as quickly as possible.
“Thon Hugo Duncan is an institution in Northern Ireland, same as the Post Office is”, said local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann. “So let’s get the wee man from Strabane privatised and be done with. He’s a national treasure, so he’ll be worth a lock of pounds. We’ll make a buckin’ fortune”.
McMann believes there are substantial gains to be made for those willing to invest, and in particular those interested in sponsorship.
“Aye, we expect to get as much as £10m from corporate sponsors, although he might have to make a few tiny concessions. Like changing his name. If we can get some big brands interested he might have to get rid of the Uncle Hugo and change it to something like Ikea Hugo or Moy Park Hugo or Femfresh Hugo or Springisland Duncan. But it’s a small price to pay. When Hugo sees the cheque he’ll be riding the pig’s back hi. A big ‘Tayto’ tattoo plastered all over his forehead won’t be a problem”.
However, opponents of the proposal were far from happy. 46-year old velcro-fastener Kevin Doris from Clogher, said,
“Hugo’s Strabane’s answer to Tony Blackburn. There’s no-one like him. He belongs to the people. Take him into private ownership and in no time we’ll be listening to hophip music and disco rap and suchlike”.
The Strabane-born singer and broadcaster has already attracted interest from potential investors who have indicated they may be willing to invest as much as £1,000 for every ‘skiddly dee’, or up to £4m for a year’s sponsorship of ‘die diddly’.
If a sell-off were to be successful, discussions are already underway on whether Lynette Fay could be floated on the Stock Exchange.
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.
Castlederg GAA senior league campaign ended in farcical scenes yesterday after a misunderstanding between the management and players saw their star forward misdiagnosed after suffering from leg cramp late on in the game. Owen Roes and Castlederg fought out a drawn game (0-6 to 1-3) in a fixture the county league officials completely forgot about. The mentor in question, Maurice Quinn, told us of the background to the mix-up:
“Ah hell, I was an honest mistake. Ye see, as assistant manager I wanted to make a good impression in case I got the main gig next season. Earlier in the season I was delegated with the task of looking after the health and well-being of the players. Our main man, Kieran Kelly, has a mild form of diabetes and I was to administer a Mars Bar to him if he felt weakish. Well, after a dozen games I started getting complacent and was eating the bar towards the end of the matches. I suppose I was taking a chance like. Then, against Brocagh, didn’t Kelly start feeling a bit weak with 5 minutes left. They turned to me and the chocolate all over my lower face told its tale. I felt ashamed. Luckily someone in the crowd had a Curly Wurly.”
Quinn redoubled his efforts to prove his worth and looked after every tiny detail of all squad players, offering massages and even dressing them after games. He had won back the confidence of his manager, until yesterday’s game up at Owen Roes watched by 45 people.
“The game was petering out uneventfully and I knew I was in with a good shout of getting the job next year. With time running out didn’t Kelly go down again. Without thinking I sprinted onto the field, unwrapping the Giant Size Snickers that I had bought especially as a treat as I ran. I slid alongside our stricken FF and began frantically stuffing the bar down his throat. It wasn’t until he was able to stop choking on the chocolate that he told me, rather forcibly, that he just had ‘feckin leg cramp’. Then it turned out he was allergic to nuts. The ambulance men managed to stem the reaction.”
Quinn has been released from his position at the club and is currently seeking employment at Moy Park.