Monthly Archives: July 2016
Standard Of Football On Life Support After Tyrone Woman Knitted Three Jumpers In Clones During Ulster Final
The quality of Gaelic Football on display today is to be addressed at Congress this year after it emerged a 61-year old widow from Aghyaran knitted three adult jumpers in the Gerry Arthurs Stand in Clones during the Ulster Final between Donegal and Tyrone.
Minnie Devine, who hasn’t missed a Tyrone game since 1977, admitted she only took up knitting this year because she found herself falling asleep watching games on TV and was afraid it might happen at a live game. Devine suffers from a severe sleep-walking condition and feared walking around the stadium or even worse onto the field if she nodded off in Clones.
“It’s true. I knitted 3 full length Aran jumpers and would have managed a fourth only the last 10 minutes made me look up a few times. Something has to be done about this. I saw a man two rows in front of me write three chapters of a novel he was working on. I even witnessed Martin McGuinness playing games on his phone during the first half, Angry Birds I think. He was blowing something up anyway and cheering.”
Mrs Devine will bring the jumpers to the GAA Congress this year and give a speech on the state of the game as well as raffling the sweaters to raise funds for the new Aghyaran Crematorium.
Meanwhile, GAA officials are considering employing a range of tactics to entertain the spectators during matches this year if games continue to disappoint, including scantily-clad country woman/men cheerleaders dancing to Nathan Carter albums, Irish Army air-battle fictional re-enactments over Croke Park and having random seats wired up to provide electric shocks in order to keep fans on their guard throughout the 70 minutes.
They have also reminded punters that any booing will be drowned out by sheep noises.
Man-Sized Launderette To Be Introduced In Pomeroy
Following on from the news that 1500 outdoor launderettes have been rolled out across Europe, including a few in Ireland, a local Pomeroy firm have installed a man-sized washing machine in the village in an attempt to improve hygiene traditions amongst the male population.
Although permission has yet to be officially granted by the European Health and Safety Commission, Devlin Washers are confident it’s only a minor paperwork issue.
The three-pronged machine has a drum for men under 6 feet tall and one for those over that height. The smaller one costs £12 and the taller-sized option is £15 for a 30-minute cycle. The third drum is for drying, although Devlin Washers don’t expect much uptake in that as the district has traditionally good drying weather.
First man to try the machine, John Kavanagh (52), maintains it’ll be a real hit with the women:
“To be honest I was nervous enough after 5 minutes as I was twirling around very fast and felt nauseous. In fact, I may have passed out for a while and the sense of drowning isn’t great either. But I came out smelling of roses and the woman was all over me that evening. That’s the first thorough wash since the wedding.”
This morning there appeared to be a queue of 25 men waiting for a full wash with the weekend on the horizon. Devlin Washers said to be patient and to have the correct money ready as no credit cards are allowed. The man-sized tumble dryer is currently out of order after a customer complained of heat exhaustion.
Strabane Copyright The Word ‘Skiddly’ In Honour Of Hugo Duncan. Unauthorised Users Will Be Kneecapped.
In recognition of Hugo Duncan’s 40 years in the music business, the district of Strabane have secured the copyright for the word ‘skiddly’ for the next 20 years, with only Strabanesers allowed to utter the word between the hours of 8am and 6pm Monday to Friday as well as all day on public holidays.
However, in a move which has been described as draconian and ‘mental’ in some quarters, the Strabane District Council have reminded outsiders that in the small print of the copyright, they secured the right to shoot on sight anyone not from the designated area who is heard uttering the word skiddly inside the protected hours.
Lord Mayor of the town, Marie McAloon, explained the decision:
We think it’s a wonderful gesture to copyright the word skiddly. What greater honour could we bestow upon the wee man? However, these things are pointless if they’re not enforced. Our rules make it more special. We will kneecap anyone who uses the word outside of the directed times. I think Hugo would agree and even if he objects we’re doing it anyway.”
Clady, 4 miles from Strabane, is said to be restless tonight. Linguists from the area maintain the average Cladian says the word ‘skiddly’ up to 20 times a day and predict a rash of kneecappings before things settle. Headmaster Brian Hornton added:
“For example, I’ve used the word skiddly four times already and it’s only 10am. I said to the wife ‘it’s a skiddly day today’ when I looked out the window. The word skiddly can mean anything, from sunshine to hail. We’re in big bother here. I hope the Strabane council reconsider their conditions.”
The directive is activated at midnight tonight.
Tyrone Investigative Journalist Uncovers Extent Of Dublin GAA Wealth
An independent journalist from Omagh has finally released a body of work he undertook over a year ago which reveals the financial advantage the Dublin GAA team has over the rest of the country.
In a remarkably detailed document, John McGorry explains how:
- Dublin players sleep in an oxygen chamber over night
- Some players rest in an ice compartment for up to three days after an injury
- Meals are delivered to their houses/workplaces and are fed the food by Vietnamese women spoonful by spoonful
- They are given free new Sunday clothes, every Sunday
- Their toenails are cut to suit their boots
- They have been given eye treatment better than 20:20 vision
- Their wives, girlfriends and boyfriends are given shopping tokens at the start of every month for to the value of 4000 Euros
- They’ve been given mobile phones with pre-installed numbers for the Taoiseach, Westlife, Boyzone, U2 but not Bono, Conor McGregor, Robbie Keane and others
- They can use the bus lane without prosecution
- They have a private suite in Coppers and only nurses or pre-vetted mature students can visit
- And other stuff
“I’m not going to spoil my sales of the book by revealing too much but that is the tip of the iceberg. You should see their teeth. I know of one of their forwards who has 44 teeth, simply because he asked for them, and he’s a real biter so I can see why. The advantage they have is astronomical. One of their All-Star half-backs has a £3m wrist watch which tells the time in 45 different languages.”
McGorry’s book, called ‘The Well To Do Boys In Blue’, also explores how a handsome corner forward has spent over 500’000 Euros on liposuction, botox and colonic irrigation in order to maintain his film star looks.
The book goes on sale in September in all good book stores.
Russian Man Stripped Of 1972 Washingbay Sports Wheelbarrow Race Medal
A 60-year old Derrylaughan man is said to be livid after his winning performance during the 1972 under-16 wheelbarrow race has been declared null and void due to his lifting partner’s subsequent disqualification.
Dimitri Popov, who was visiting distant cousins in Brocagh that year, sadly passed away in 1999 in a circus accident but his widow has been informed of the decision.
His racing partner, John Boy McCabe, is enraged at the decision which saw him return the ice-cream tokens he won as a result of his victorious participation as a 16-year old:
“It’s scandalous. Dimitri wasn’t on drugs. He was drunk ok but that was because he looked a bit older than what he was at the time and was drinking in Falls’ Bar from midday with everyone else. All this is based on the Olympic doping scandal but you can’t tar them all with the one brush. If anything it was me who did all the work. All he did was houl my legs. I’m gutted.”
The Washingbay Sports Day committee have subsequently awarded the ice cream tokens to the second placed team, Pierre LeGrille and Thierry Jambon from Paris, who were also holidaying in Brocagh at the time. A formal presentation will take place in front of the Eiffel Tower in August.
Misunderstanding As Sinn Fein Members Attend Tribute To Queen In Moygashel
A booking mishap has resulted in over 30 Sinn Fein members attending a two-hour long concert by the Moygashel Brass Band in honour of the Queen of England and not the Freddie Mercury tribute band.
Seamus ‘The Boiler’ Maguire, the Entertainments Manager for Lough Neagh Sinn Fein, has been stood down from his position since the blunder and has been replaced by the more experienced Henry Cullen.
Lough Neagh Sinn Fein’s Leo McFlynn admitted it was an awkward two hours:
“We’re all big Freddie Mercury fans on the lough shore and were really looking forward to this night out although it being in Moygashel was a bit of a worry from the off. When everyone stood up at the start and the band played God Save The Queen we did too as we thought it was some kind of piss-take, like the way the Sex Pistols would do it.”
For the next 120 minutes, the group sat through renditions of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory and Jerusalem as well as other less recognisable tunes, all played by the Moygashel Brass Band. McFlynn added:
“I was wondering why I was getting sharp glances by a few tattooed men standing at the door when I shouted up ‘play Killer Queen’. The Celtic jersey must have confused them greatly too. We made a run for it during ‘Thine Be The Glory’ before it really was a case of ‘Another One Bites The Dust’.
This is the second time a booking mistake was made by The Boiler Maguire after he hired the x-rated stand up comic from Dungannon Patsy McGlown instead of Pat the Clown for a children’s party in Moortown.
One Year On – McCann’s Sensational Hair Speaks Out
In what has been described as a testing year with unprecedented levels of attention and scrutiny, Tiernan McCann’s tremendous hair has finally spoken out about its 12 months in the spotlight since rufflegate in August 2015.
In an exclusive interview, McCann’s sensational hair explained how trying the winter months were in the aftermath of the All Ireland quarter final:
“It’s been tough. The Kerry semi final was a taste of things to come. Kerry players were coming up close to me and staring at me and saying things like ‘mousse-head’ and ‘Elvis’. But that was mild compared to the abuse I’d get back home in places like Clonoe or Carrickmore. I just wanted to curl up and dye.”
2016 appears to have been a more pleasant experience for the beautifully follicled mullet with All-Star performances the norm throughout the championship and a new host of admirers across the island:
“Mickey Harte has been great. He brought in a new conditioner and it has given me my old strength back. On Sunday the McGees were saying all types of stuff to me like ‘gel-breath’ and ‘Dracula’ but this just drips off me now and I gleam resplendently, especially in warm weather.”
The Killyclogher hairpiece is due to release its first autobiography called ‘Hairway To Hell And Back And Sides’ in a final act of its journey towards redemption which will hopefully see the tremendous mane back to its former glory:
“I’m not 100% but almost there. Although some say I’m head and shoulders above most other hairstyles in the game today, I still have bad days. The Derry ones were calling me ‘Sherlock Combs’, ‘Jack the Clipper’, ‘Fat Boy Trim’ and other cutting remarks and it still hurts but there are more good hair days than bad.”
Meanwhile, Jonathan Munroe and Conor Gormley are to have a charity shouldering competition this weekend to raise money for the local school. The Carrickmore men are to run at each other from a distance of 30 yards and shoulder each other. The first man to hit the ground loses.
In all the euphoria of Sunday’s win, spare a thought for this woman who spotted Gavin Devlin’s trunks rip as Cavanagh equalised.
Source: TubeChop – Chop YouTube Videos
Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016
Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.
“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)
“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)
“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)
“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)
“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)
Woman Furious Over Facebook App Faults Whilst On Holiday
A Dungannon woman is suing Facebook after her holiday was ruined because its app was not working right in Portugal on her phone.
The White City mother, who spent 10 days in the Algarve, maintains she wasn’t able to upload photos for two whole days and more importantly was unable to comment on others’ posts for the whole vacation.
Cathy Mullan added:
“Listen, everyone knows Facebook is the new novel. Years ago you’d have seen holidayers reading books on their loungers. Now we all know snooping on Facebook has replaced that so don’t judge me, ok? I wasn’t able to give my comments on Turkey, Nice or the picture of a baby doing the Rocky moves. It was killing me. People must think I don’t care.”
Worse still, Mullan was unable to upload picture of her dinners, legs at the beach and children for TWO WHOLE DAYS due to a data issue on her phone’s service provider. The mother of two has promised to take Zuckerberg the whole way:
“Facebook are a joke. It ruined our holiday because my moods were all over the joint. I had a brilliant pic of my legs on a lounger but it wouldn’t upload. Then I’d a photo of young eldest one eating a mussel and the same result. How the hell am I meant to let people know how good a time I think I’m having? And I’d deadly things to say about Turkey too. Zuckerberg, you’re toast.”
Mullan admitted she was able to upload a picture on the last day of her husband playing crazy golf with a red head on him and a pair of long shorts but revealed it was ‘too little too late’.
Portuguese Manager Phoned East Tyrone Club Manager At Half Time Over Moths
A source from within the European Championship winning Portugal management team has revealed that their manager, Fernando Santos, made a panicked call to an unnamed lough shore manager at half time during their final match against the host nation France.
Santos, who holidayed in Ardboe regularly during the 80s and names eel as his favourite fish, was concerned that the infestation of moths in the Paris stadium was affecting his players and hoped that the experience of dealing with midges on the shores of Lough Neagh could be passed on to his squad.
Our source added:
“He was out of his mind but found a pay phone outside the changing rooms and urgently telephoned an Irish number. He seemed to know him well as he put on an Irish accent and I heard Fernando say at one stage, ‘Ghost-oh Jaysus boys the moths are tarra, Patsy’. His team talk after the call will live in my memory forever”
Santos immediately called the players into a huddle and gave them the most important advice of their young sporting lives:
“It transpired that the advice given by the east Tyrone manager was to ‘ate the bastes’ whilst you’re playing. Ronaldo asked, in Portuguese, what the hell that meant, even though he wasn’t playing at that stage. Santos explained that ‘ate the bastes’ meant to devour the moths as you play as it reduced their numbers as well as providing constant nutritional benefits. He mumbled something about it not doing Brian McGuigan any harm, whoever the hell he is.”
Portugal went on to win 1-0 in extra time, sparking wild celebrations in Porto, Lisbon and Dungannon.
Teachers Fail To Dig A Hole In Omagh Summer Scheme
A summer scheme, set up to keep teachers busy over the holiday period, has been abandoned after one day due to their inability to dig a hole.
‘Real Work’, a teacher/summer work scheme initiated by the Omagh Management Group (OMG), saw seven teachers from the west Tyrone area sign up to four weeks of tasks including digging holes and lifting things.
OMG director Harvey O’Hanlon admitted he had to call a halt to proceedings after just one task on Monday morning:
“It was a disaster. The task for the seven teachers was to dig a hole in a field, approximately 4 foot deep. The History teacher started lecturing the rest on the origin of holes and spades. The Geography teacher kept taking pointless measurements of humidity and soil samples. The Maths teacher was scribbling away at angles and such like for the spade to enter the earth. After 30 minutes, not one had lifted the spade itself.”
O’Hanlon revealed he started to lose patience when the teacher of English began reciting Heaney poetry:
“Digging is a wonderful poem alright but it wasn’t going to get the hole dug. The PE teacher wasn’t much help either. He just kept bouncing a ball and blowing whistles and pointing. The RE teacher took the biscuit. She made everyone get down on their knees and said a prayer for the dig that was about to take place. Only it didn’t. Shower of wasters.”
The seventh teacher, a Chemistry educator from the town, did manage to lift the spade but subsequently went out on the sick. Teaching unions are to issue a statement later, advising teachers to do nothing over the summer and to stay away from outdoor activities involving manual labour.
Tuesday’s task of lifting a plank from one side of a barn to the other has been shelved until further notice.
Tyrone DLA Recipient Thwarted By Kind Cavan Fans
A group of over 30 Cavan supporters, inspired by the multiple good deeds by Irish supporters in France this summer, have landed a Tyrone fan in hot bother after they mended his limp and bad back on the road up to St Tiernach’s Park in Clones.
Johnny McIlVinnery, a 51-year old retired mathematician from Strabane, had apparently been claiming DLA for a farming accident which led to a limp on his left leg as well as a bad back, allegedly caused by a furious donkey’s kick when he was 12.
Clones shopkeeper Gerry Reilly witnessed the miraculous event:
“This Tyrone boy was walking up the steep hill with his walking stick and he was labouring badly. Suddenly a crowd of Cavan supporters gathered around him and started saying the rosary and stuff and lo and behold didn’t the Tyrone boy cast off his stick and started to run up the hill towards the pitch. It was miraculous.”
A close friend of McIlvinnery’s added:
“He got carried away, the bollocks. The Cavan crowd were obviously feeding off the goodwill gestures by Irish soccer fans in France and thought they could do Johnny a good turn. He bought into it and threw down his stick and ran like Linford Christie up that steep hill to the cheers of the supporters. The DLA crowd saw it on YouTube. He’s bucked now.”
McIlvinney was also later seen celebrating Tyrone’s fifth goal by initiating a conga in the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
DLA spokesman Gerry Armstrong has reminded Tyrone supporters at the Ulster Final that they’ll be watching.
New Collective Nouns For Tyrone People ‘Upsetting’
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.