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Standard Of Football On Life Support After Tyrone Woman Knitted Three Jumpers In Clones During Ulster Final

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Donegal launch another attack

The quality of Gaelic Football on display today is to be addressed at Congress this year after it emerged a 61-year old widow from Aghyaran knitted three adult jumpers in the Gerry Arthurs Stand in Clones during the Ulster Final between Donegal and Tyrone. 

Minnie Devine, who hasn’t missed a Tyrone game since 1977, admitted she only took up knitting this year because she found herself falling asleep watching games on TV and was afraid it might happen at a live game. Devine suffers from a severe sleep-walking condition and feared walking around the stadium or even worse onto the field if she nodded off in Clones.

Devine added:

“It’s true. I knitted 3 full length Aran jumpers and would have managed a fourth only the last 10 minutes made me look up a few times. Something has to be done about this. I saw a man two rows in front of me write three chapters of a novel he was working on. I even witnessed Martin McGuinness playing games on his phone during the first half, Angry Birds I think. He was blowing something up anyway and cheering.”

Mrs Devine will bring the jumpers to the GAA Congress this year and give a speech on the state of the game as well as raffling the sweaters to raise funds for the new Aghyaran Crematorium.

Meanwhile, GAA officials are considering employing a range of tactics to entertain the spectators during matches this year if games continue to disappoint, including scantily-clad country woman/men cheerleaders dancing to Nathan Carter albums, Irish Army air-battle fictional re-enactments over Croke Park and having random seats wired up to provide electric shocks in order to keep fans on their guard throughout the 70 minutes.

They have also reminded punters that any booing will be drowned out by sheep noises.

Tyrone DLA Recipient Thwarted By Kind Cavan Fans

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Strabane man in Clones

A group of over 30 Cavan supporters, inspired by the multiple good deeds by Irish supporters in France this summer, have landed a Tyrone fan in hot bother after they mended his limp and bad back on the road up to St Tiernach’s Park in Clones.

 

Johnny McIlVinnery, a 51-year old retired mathematician from Strabane, had apparently been claiming DLA for a farming accident which led to a limp on his left leg as well as a bad back, allegedly caused by a furious donkey’s kick when he was 12.  

Clones shopkeeper Gerry Reilly witnessed the miraculous event:

“This Tyrone boy was walking up the steep hill with his walking stick and he was labouring badly. Suddenly a crowd of Cavan supporters gathered around him and started saying the rosary and stuff and lo and behold didn’t the Tyrone boy cast off his stick and started to run up the hill towards the pitch. It was miraculous.”

A close friend of McIlvinnery’s added:

“He got carried away, the bollocks. The Cavan crowd were obviously feeding off the goodwill gestures by Irish soccer fans in France and thought they could do Johnny a good turn. He bought into it and threw down his stick and ran like Linford Christie up that steep hill to the cheers of the supporters. The DLA crowd saw it on YouTube. He’s bucked now.”

McIlvinney was also later seen celebrating Tyrone’s fifth goal by initiating a conga in the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

DLA spokesman Gerry Armstrong has reminded Tyrone supporters at the Ulster Final that they’ll be watching.

Greencastle Residents Offered Gold Teeth By 2018. Rejected.

Greencastle woman?

Greencastle woman?

In a desperate bid to placate the anti-mining supporters in the Greencastle area, an offer of gold teeth for every resident has been proposed by a joint Stormont/Dentistry Association organisation. The offer, however, has been rejected by a majority decision after three nights of deliberation and forceful arguments which also saw a minor brawl on the Crockanboy Road involving bits of wood, turf, three dogs and a pellet gun.

The use of cyanide has been a contentious issue in the gold-mining proposals at the foot of the Sperrins, with many believing that the long-term effects are unproven and potentially unsafe. Local traveller, Kieran Donnelly, travelled to Finland to speak to residents of a village which experienced gold-mining recently:

“There was a definite side-effect. I couldn’t understand what any of them were saying and not one of them was for Clones in May. But their gold teeth was something to behold. I’d be rightly tempted by that – heading to a disco and the Kildress ones being jealous of our teeth. But, I suppose gold teeth are no good to you if you’re riddled with the consumption because of the cyanide.”

The 3-day debate over the offer of gold teeth appears to have revolved around a certain Diarmuid Devlin who seemingly convinced several friends that cyanide might have similar properties to kryptonite and, if fed under strict conditions to the senior football team, might make them giants and win the senior championship.

Devlin backed down when told that Superman wasn’t real and anyway if he was he’d probably get out of Greencastle straight away and head to warmer places like Bundoran or Downings.

Tyrone Tribulations supports Greencastle Says No To Cyancide.

 

 

Pierce Brosnan May Give Oration At Carrickmore Veteran Republican’s Funeral

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Gerry Brosnan, shaken.

Rumours have been gathering pace this evening that Pierce Brosnan, who was snapped yesterday looking uncanningly like Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams whilst filming in London, may give an oration at the graveside of 105-year old veteran republican Harry ‘Sharp Eye’ Lincoln in Carrickmore tomorrow morning.

Brosnan, who has reportedly been obsessed with Adams ever since he heard the Belfast man sing ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’ on the radio last year, allegedly arrived in the Tyrone village this evening, telling the girl behind the counter in the Spar ‘I hadn’t gone away y’know’ after he immediately re-appeared in the shop to buy some semi-skimmed milk he’d previously forgotten to purchase alongside his corned beef, Tyrone Times and wheaten bread. He added that he liked his women as he liked his kiwi fruit – ‘rough around the edges’ – before pressing a pen top and exiting in a puff of smoke.

A family member of the deceased centenarian offered advice for the Drogheda-born actor:

It’d be deadly to have Brosnan give the oration in the style of James Bond and not Gerry Adams. Or maybe blends the two together. Maybe he could be pushed out of a Boeing Chinook by the Brits but he lands by a secret parachute in a tuxedo and shouts ‘tiocfaidh ar la’ and then winks at all the women and drinks a cocktail but then lights it and fires it at a passing patrol and then drives off in an Aston Martin. That’d be lethal. A great send off.”

Whether Brosnan is for Clones or not on Sunday for the McKenna Cup semi-final between Fermanagh and Tyrone is uncertain after a close friend revealed the world famous actor is not a fan of the competition.

Cartographer Confirms There Is A London In Tyrone. Derry Wants Apology.

londonderry, derry signFollowing the news that a motion supporting the name change of Londonderry to Derry was passed at a meeting of Derry City and Strabane District Council, a south Derry cartographer has confirmed the existence of a townland in Kildress called London which had been played down by locals since 1677.

This startling revelation has resulted a petition signed by 16’000 Derry people asking for a public apology for the verbal abuse received from Tyrone men and women at football matches and nightclubs about there being ‘no London in Tyrone’, especially in the 90s.

Ballinderry headmaster Aidan McGuckian confirmed there’ll be no rest until someone like Barry McElduff makes a public apology:

“So it turns out that not only was there no Sam in Tyrone from 93-03, but there was also a London in it. This changes everything. Thinking back, when the chant of ‘Oh there’s no London in Tyrone’ was reverberating around Clones back in the 90s, the Kildress ones never took part in the insult and stood huddled together, sweaty and red-faced. I just thought that’s the way they were. Bastards.”

Moves are already underway to plan how the apology will be presented to the people of Derry. An extraordinary meeting was called in Kildress involving high profile Tyrone figures from Dennis Taylor to Hugo Duncan. Duncan has promised to pen an apologetic song which he’ll play on the radio, entitled ‘Kiss my Derry Air’. A statue of Dana will also be commissioned to be erected at the middle of the road in Galbally.

Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has promised to wear a Derry jersey for a week at Stormont and use ‘sur’ at the end of every sentence.

Tang Trucker Sacked From Fire Brigade After 2 Days For Issuing ‘Keep Her Lit’ Instructions

rprt5By our Monaghan Correspondent, Phil McCracken

Records were broken this week after a fire department employee was given his P45 in just 48 hours on the job due to dialectal differences which saw firemen pour fuel on the flames of a lorry as well as almost setting a depot on fire.

Monaghan firemen

Monaghan firemen 

Trevor Farrell successfully applied to the Monaghan Fire Brigade last June, becoming the first Tyrone man to work in this depot since the great fire of 1988 near Clones which was started by a fireman from Trillick.

Trevor explained why he applied in the first place:

“Here I had no notion of doing that aul DCPC shit (The Driver Certificate of Professional Competence for all professional bus, coach and lorry drivers), what a waste of time, boy. I saw that the fire department was taking people on so be Jaysus I applied for the post and didn’t I get the job”.

On Trevor’s second night of his new job his week, he was on phone duty when a call came in about a truck on fire out by Balls Cross.

“Oh be God I was all excited, lad. I was waiting on that call since I started the new job. I tell ya, if I hadn’t got that call I was going to start a fire myself. No point in having men sitting around doing feck all like. Anyway I called out to they rest of the lads to get the plant lit up and blow her for Balls Cross. Well Jaysus after the boys left I went outside to find every fecking shrub in the station garden on fire.  I wonder to meself ‘what kind of thick glipes am I working with’.

Long serving fire officer David Boyle was on duty that night. He recalls:

“I was in the office when the call came in. Trevor told us to light the plants up and get to Balls Cross. Sure be Jaysus we thought that it was strange but we poured fuel over the plants and lit them and we were soon off to Balls Cross. Anyway we were half way out the road and that nutcase Trevor kept shouting down the two-way radio to “keep her lit boys, that road is clean and green”. Well never before did we here the likes of that. Sure for feck sake we had to stop by Foyles Filling Station to get drums of clean diesel and green diesel”.

Trevor had a different take on events:

“Ah be the Lord Jaysus the boys told me the were running five minutes behind because they had to stop to diesel up. What sort of bullocks doesn’t refuel the plant up when he comes back to the yard? I told them boys to get there quick and keep her lit until I got there”.

Fire Officer Jonathan O’Neill gave his views on the calamity:

“We wondered what kind of crazy dick that Trevor fella was. We radioed back to him that it was a Sawyers lorry on fire. All we could here from him was ‘oh Lord Jaysus lads, I’m on my way flat to the mat boys, I’ll keep her lit’. We never had to keep a fire lit before, and that man Trevor was on his way and he wanted to keep it lit so we started to pour the clean and green diesel over the lorry”.

Trevor remarked on his arrival at Balls Cross:

“Well feck me, how them thick runts got a job with the fire brigade is beyond me lad. Every fecking time the flames started to die down them crazy bastards put more fuel on that lorry, and they said it was my fault that lorry and fridge was burned to the ground”.

A disappointed Sawyers spokesperson added:

“Gutted boy, fucking gutted. I bet that Trevor fella worked with McBurnley Transport, fucking gutted.”

Sawyers Transport Lurgan has ordered a full investigation.

Garda in Monaghan also threw in their penny’s worth when adding:

“There won’t be an investigation because we don’t know if we should investigate the man that told them to keep her lit or the shower of savages that kept it lit”.

MJM Training confirmed that Sean is booked in next week to sit his DCPC.

Monaghan fire department revealed they have four officers off sick with burns after Trevor told them to ‘keep the toe on her boys’.

Coalisland Silver Band Drafted In After Armagh Brawl

Coalisland drummers practice

Coalisland drummers practice

The Ulster Council have confirmed that for the potentially fiery Monaghan/Tyrone game they’re considering replacing St Michael’s Enniskillen Band with the infamous Coalisland Silver Band whose drummers are known for their fighting skills and general ‘taking no crap’ appearance.

The move comes after Armagh and Cavan players brawled just as the young Enniskillen band prepared to launch into The Boys of the County Armagh for the pre-match parade. A flag dispute has been identified as the reason for the punch-up but body language experts agreed that a few heavy hitters along the back line of drummers would solve any future disagreements.

Marching band fanatic Frank Hurson from Pomeroy explained:

“It is an old tactic we have used up in Pomeroy for decades. If there was a chance of things kicking off between two rivals, we’d (Pomeroy Pipe Band) have replaced our whole rear drummer line with the drummers from the Coalisland Silver Band. Rumour has it they were much sought after in Uruguay and Chile during the 1960s when their club football pre-match parades were riddled with mass brawls and maimings.”

Ardboe octogenarian Felix Quinn reminded authorities of the importance of a muscular drumming corp. Remembering the Battle of the Battery in 1971 when Moortown and Ardboe players fought for four hours after a musical difference during the parade, he warned:

“It’s vital the Ulster Council act now. In ’71 the Moortown lads objected to our flute band playing ‘Mary, The Moortown Harlet’ around the field even though it was a favourite around our parts. They charged at the drum lads at the back but we had infiltrated the musicians with our toughest reserves. Bloodbath. The Coalisland Silver Band are ideal for these Monaghan mountain men.”

Meanwhile, rumours persist that Mickey Harte will make a few fringe players camp out overnight in Clones in order to secure the outside line during the parade. He has denied meeting with Ardoyne protestors to ask for tips.

 

Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked

BRUCEHAR1In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.

After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:

“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”

Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.

Talks continue.

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