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Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks

 

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Brackaville, at night.

A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success. 

 

Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.

A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:

“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”

The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.

95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.

Leaked Document Shows How Tyrone Nearly Beat Dublin

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New Tyrone Bus – Too Big?

By Aughoughilley Schniffles old-man-laughing

A confidential document made its way to our offices this morning, detailing a comprehensive plan on how Tyrone could beat Dublin in the league last week. 

The ‘5-Steps-To-Heaven’ memo explains how much detail goes into even the smallest of percentages when it comes to winning games at county level. Although unsigned, it is accepted that the plan is the result of many high-profile figures associated with the county team contributing to the cause.

It reads as follows:

  1. Drop a pile of euros and cents around the ground. This will keep the Hill 16 supporters busy collecting the coins well into the first half as they’ll already be late watching the Liverpool/Spurs game. This could be worth up to THREE POINTS on the scoreboard.
  2. Drop a flier to all Tyrone houses during the week. On it give these orders to annex the Hill: Pretend to be a Dub. We estimate there might be a million people in Tyrone as well as exiled. Get everyone to go to Begleys, buy a new Dublin jersey and a lighter. Simply wear it over your Red Hand one and act like a heroin addict when they check your ticket at the Hill 16 turnstiles. Once you are in you can burn it with the lighter you got at Begleys- and fill the Hill singing stuff like Philomena’s classic “Who’s Gonna stop Canavan?” (replacing Cavanagh for Canavan) or “Come on Tyrone, You’re On Your Own”
  3. Bring out a Brian O’Driscoll lookalike beforehand to warm up. That’ll confuse the Dubs. There’s a boy in Eskra who looks like him under lights.
  4. Maybe it’s time to unfreeze Brian Dooher from the cryo tank now instead of the planned the 50th anniversary year of the opening of the Garvaghy complex in 2063?
  5. Bring in a big bollocks of a bus to show how much richer we are than the Dubs.

Unfortunately, all plans were not enough to stop the Dublin juggernaut, with the last resort, the bus, being too big to get into Croke Park, resulting in the players having to walk all the way from Quinns. It apparently took a lot out of Cavanagh who made the last 400 yards in a wheelchair.

Harte May Recall Slim-lined Mugsy To End Dublin’s Unbeaten Run

 

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Mugsy’s new look is a secret

Dublin, who extended their unbeaten run to 30 games after a win over Cavan in the Allianz League opener, are said to be spooked at the news that Owen Mulligan may return to face the champions on Saturday night in Croke Park. 

 

Mulligan, who has reportedly shed 3 stone by running up and down Cookstown Main Street during the middle of the night, memorably tortured the capital’s team in 2005 over two games including a goal which some describe the greatest they’ve seen in the famed headquarter turf. His 1-7 in the replay cemented the Cookstown man as Dublin’s nemesis that year.

A Dublin backroom member told a reporter this evening:

“This is a spanner in the works. We know we can handle this current Tyrone crop but Mulligan is a different species altogether. Paddy Christie told me recently he still wakes up in cold sweats about that goal. Coman Goggins took to sleepwalking straight after that game. And if Mugsy has shed three stone he’ll be hungry.”

Dublin’s 30-game unbeaten record in league and championship, going right back to March 1st, 2015, sees them as odds-on favourites for Saturday night’s clash despite Mulligan’s imminent arrival. Taking advantage of the bookie’s odds of 2/1, dozens of Cookstown punters have lumped on Tyrone due to their hero’s physical conditioning. Close friend and chronic gambler John Datsun explained:

“It’s like Rocky 4. Owen is going to kick that big Russian’s arse, or Jack McCaffrey as we know him as in Ireland. You should see Mugsy carrying in 6 kegs at the one time into the bar. He’s a pure beast right now and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s gonna ate the leg clean off Michael Darragh MacAuley.”

Mulligan is also reportedly sporting a new look which will remain under wraps until he runs out onto the pitch, if this story is true at all.

Darren McCurry is apparently unhappy at the prospect of being benched in favour of the former All-Star, with the Edendork sharpshooter cryptically tweeting ‘what a load of bollocks #nevergoback #yourepastit #sticktopullinpints’

Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.

 

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Healy Park, this morning

A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’. 

 

Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.

“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”

Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.

“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”

As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.

Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year

 

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CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY

Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.

 

The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on  Harte’s men.

A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:

“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”

The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.

Our Tyrone source explained:

“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”

Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.

New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’

blank_x_box_one_cover_by_unknownsoldier9865-d6y95lvA new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.

After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.

In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:

NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!

  • ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
  • EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
  • OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
  • DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
  • CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
  • TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
  • DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!

NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!

  • JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
  • SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
  • DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
  • 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
  • MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!

NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!

  • CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
  • MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
  • UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
  • REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
  • SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.

NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!

  • JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
  • MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
  • TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
  • MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
  • and much, much more

Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99

Colm Cavanagh ‘Distraught’ At Brother Sean’s Decision

inpho_00959862Colm Cavanagh, arguably Tyrone’s most influential player in recent years, was said to be ‘on the rip big time‘ for a second day around the Moy after his illustrious brother announced he’ll be playing for another year for the county team. 

Close friends have rallied around the younger brother who expected to be named Tyrone senior captain next year in Sean’s permanent absence. Family members also confirmed that Sean even handed over the captain’s armband to an elated Colm during a family dinner last week in Dungannon.

Best friend and fellow club man Pat Mackle revealed:

“Colm’s ripping. He was sure he’d have a rattle at the captaincy next year. Sure Sean’s only doing this cos he hates the accountancy and likes getting away an hour early for training and missing the odd Monday. And then there’s the team holiday. Sean’s always nabbing the free shampoo and stuff. Colm’s on some bender now.”

Rumours are also circulating that Peter Canavan bet Sean £1000 years ago that he’d never be a senior All-Ireland winning captain and Sean is reluctant to hand over the grand.

Mackle added:

“Colm also said that Sean wants to have even another card introduced into the game in his name – the Blue Card – for complaining to the ref too much, just to annoy Joe Brolly. It’s about time Sean thought about his younger brother for once. Colm has been catching balls out of the sky like a big high-fielding salmon for 24 months now. He’s the main man.”

Locals explained how Sean attempted to placate his brother last night outside the off-licence by offering him leggings from Begley’s shop, a replica All-Star and a match programme from the 2003 All-Ireland final. Colm, reportedly, shook his head and walked off towards Tomneys.

Family members are also now concerned about the proposed brass statue unveiling of the legendary Sean in the middle of the hamlet next month. Colm was due to pull off the cover.

Standard Of Football On Life Support After Tyrone Woman Knitted Three Jumpers In Clones During Ulster Final

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Donegal launch another attack

The quality of Gaelic Football on display today is to be addressed at Congress this year after it emerged a 61-year old widow from Aghyaran knitted three adult jumpers in the Gerry Arthurs Stand in Clones during the Ulster Final between Donegal and Tyrone. 

Minnie Devine, who hasn’t missed a Tyrone game since 1977, admitted she only took up knitting this year because she found herself falling asleep watching games on TV and was afraid it might happen at a live game. Devine suffers from a severe sleep-walking condition and feared walking around the stadium or even worse onto the field if she nodded off in Clones.

Devine added:

“It’s true. I knitted 3 full length Aran jumpers and would have managed a fourth only the last 10 minutes made me look up a few times. Something has to be done about this. I saw a man two rows in front of me write three chapters of a novel he was working on. I even witnessed Martin McGuinness playing games on his phone during the first half, Angry Birds I think. He was blowing something up anyway and cheering.”

Mrs Devine will bring the jumpers to the GAA Congress this year and give a speech on the state of the game as well as raffling the sweaters to raise funds for the new Aghyaran Crematorium.

Meanwhile, GAA officials are considering employing a range of tactics to entertain the spectators during matches this year if games continue to disappoint, including scantily-clad country woman/men cheerleaders dancing to Nathan Carter albums, Irish Army air-battle fictional re-enactments over Croke Park and having random seats wired up to provide electric shocks in order to keep fans on their guard throughout the 70 minutes.

They have also reminded punters that any booing will be drowned out by sheep noises.

Locals Reminisce About The Summer Of 2016

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Eglish Lough, 2016

Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.

 

OMAGH

“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)

COOKSTOWN

“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)

MOY

“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)

STRABANE

“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)

ARDBOE

“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)

Derry Workmates Hard To Find All Day Across Tyrone

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Derry man, phoning in sick

Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.

In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.

Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.

The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:

“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”

Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:

“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”

The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.

Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.

McCurry Literally Flying In Training To Impress Harte

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McCurry in training, yesterday, 440 feet above sea level.

Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday. 

Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:

“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”

McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.

Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.

Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.

 

Ronan O’Neill’s Dance Celebration Sparks Fears Of Summer Of Line-Dancing/Twerking Etc

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McCurry practising Gangnam

Fears that Croke Park and Clones will become awash with dance-inspired celebrations this summer were realised today in Dublin after Ronan O’Neill performed a ‘Dab’ which involves tucking your head into your elbow whilst leaving your other hand pointing up at a 45 degree angle, after his crucial second half goal.

The Dab, which has been performed by many sports stars across the planet, is reportedly only the first in a line of unusual dance-inspired celebrations already being secretly practised at Tyrone’s state-of-the-art training ground in Garvaghey, after Mickey Harte goes home from training.

A Tyrone squad insider told us:

“If you think that was bad, count your blessings that Conor McAliskey didn’t score that volley he attempted. I’ve seen his celebration. It involves twerking in front of the goalkeeper and it isn’t a great sight. I can see him getting a few kicks up that hole of his, but not before he has inflicted his routine on the rest of us viewing public.”

Additionally, it appears that Darren McCurry has perfected the Gangnam Style dance for any goals, which sees him practically prancing around Croke Park in a horse-trot. Sources claim that the Tyrone backroom staff are worried about quick kick-outs if McCurry does find the net as the Edendork man may only be halfway through his routine at that time.

Our source added:

“Colm Cavanagh has mastered a line-dancing number with his brother Sean but the odds of that dance being seen in the championship are minimal for the foreseeable future given Colm’s defensive responsibilities.”

Fortunately, Harte is unaware of the current craze and reportedly thought O’Neill was just shy after hearing the crowd cheering for his goal, thereby hiding his face.

Further reports indicate that Owen Mulligan is flat out training in order to force his way into Harte’s plans. Close friends indicate that he swears he has ‘rakes of dance moves’ lined up, some of which may need a parental guidance warning. He is also reportedly looking into backdating some of the celebrations for great goals he scored earlier in his career.

Trillick To Perform Local War Dance Before SFC Final

The Trillifandango

Inspired by the South Pacific islands at the rugby World Cup, Tyrone senior finalists Trillick have spent the last week tidying up a pre throw-in routine, hoping to nurture a sense of fear in their opponents Killyclogher.

Named ‘The Trillifandango”, the routine merges Irish dancing, rave, rap, line-dancing, jiving, and general jumping about during a 4-minute performance. Mattie Donnelly heads the dance formation after a competition to see who had the longest tongue. Lee Brennan had the shortest and will be at the very back.

Meanwhile, the Northern Ireland soccer team have sent Trillick a good luck telegram. Trillick’s last title in 1986 coincided with Northern Ireland’s last appearance at a finals tournament and were consequently twinned with each other in 1998. Unfortunately Killyclogher were twinned with the England rugby side the same year.

Harte To Sanction McAleer and Rushe Plans To Build Rocwell Plant On Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

How a bottle of Rocwell might look on Mars

In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.

In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.

NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:

“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”

1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.

Armstrong added:

“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”

The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.

The Sunday Game To Accuse Gavin Devlin Of Using Remote Controlled Flock Of Birds

Devlin's birds

Devlin’s birds

An RTE insider confirmed to us this morning that Des Cahill, Ciaran Whelan and Kevin McStay have put together a video sequence which they say shows Tyrone’s assistant manager Gavin Devlin cynically using a remote control in his ear to operate a flock of birds throughout the entire game yesterday. Shane ‘Cake’ Curran, however, has refused to buy into the idea and blames the Catholic Church and Fianna Fail for Tyrone’s surprise progression to the semi final.

The birds, numbering 20, remained on the field until mysteriously flying off over Hill 16 in the direction of Ardboe as soon as the referee blew the full time whistle. Our informer added:

“Yes, they’ve a pile of footage which shows Devlin talking into his ear piece and then you see the birds patrolling the Tyrone goalmouth, making it seem more congested than it really was. Very cynical by Tyrone when you see it. McStay has a big electronic screen with triangles and all drawn on it to show the Devlin system. It really is very professional.”

Our source revealed that Ciaran Whelan ‘went clean mad’ when McStay showed him his theory and smashed a monitor he was using to show how Tyrone cynically wore a red strip to make Monaghan think they were playing Louth.

“Whelan went berserk. His nostrils were the size of apples. Even Des Cahill was tutting and saying ‘them poor birds’ and stuff like that.”

Sources in Ardboe confirmed that Devlin was a deadly man for the birds in his teens.

The RSPCA are also looking at footage.

Bin Laden Had ‘Rake Of Tyrone Books’ In Personal Library Says US Intelligence Officials

Osama bin Laden on a Saturday night

Osama bin Laden on a Saturday night

US intelligence officials, who this week released more than 100 documents seized four years ago in the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, revealed he possessed a fascination with Tyrone GAA as well as reading works by Islamist thinkers but also English language books by authors like Noam Chomsky and Bob Woodward.

The news of the secret Red-Hand library stash comes in the wake of over 200 complaints made to PSNI officials by locals regarding the amount of men in suits with American accents walking around Tyrone whilst talking up their sleeves.

The US Photo Agency leaked a picture of his library which showed copies of ‘The History of Dromore GFC’, ‘The GAA in Tyrone’, ‘Ryan McMenamin – Baring My Teeth’, ‘This Secret History of Lough Neagh’ and ‘Malachi Cush – The Sweet Sound of Success’.

Speaking to a limited press gathering, US Marshall Nelson Power added:

“As well as dozens of cuttings from newspapers and magazines, again largely about al-Qaida, supplementing the more academic reading, Bin Laden appeared to have been fixated with Tyrone people and what drives them to success. We’re looking into this ourselves as we were expecting an extensive Derry collection, especially from around Maghera and Dungiven, or even South Armagh.”

Unconfirmed Rumours have emerged since claiming Bin Laden kept a Tyrone jersey from 2003 under his bed which had the WJ Dolan lettering well worn suggesting he has used it a lot, maybe for kick-arounds outside his compound during quiet periods.

A video also shows Bin Laden laughing and roaring at his small TV which appears to be showing Datsun Donaghy’s ‘How I Won The Sam Maguire’.

Tyrone’s Victorious U21 Footballers Prepare For Harsh Reality Of Club Football

Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore

Player wearing earphones caused this brawl in Dromore

Several members of Tyrone triple All-Ireland winning teams from the mid 2000s have warned Feargal Logan’s U21 team to be prepared for increased digging and slapping sessions from opponents who cheered them on at the weekend, as they return to the Tyrone club scene.

A 2-time All-Ireland winner from that era, who wishes to remain anonymous, reckons fixtures down by the loughshore are to be feared as they ‘love to bring medallists down a peg or two‘ especially if they turn up to games wearing earphones or fancy boots.

“After the final whistle in 2005, three fellas from Ardboe carried me off the Croke Park turf on their shoulders, crying tears of joy. Two weeks later and the same three lads kicked the dung clean out of me when we played Ardboe in a meaningless league game. One of them even said ‘who do ye think ye are ye big-headed tramp‘ and I’m a quiet sort of lad.”

Logan is to send the victorious squad to a psychologist in Mayo for two days in order to prepare them for the verbals they’ll face from the average club player.

Carrickmore squad player Patsy Gormless admitted he can’t wait to get a chance to play against some of the new All-Ireland medallists:

“I remember playing against the Moy shortly after the 2003 All-Ireland final. I managed to deck all three of Cavanagh, Mellon and Jordan within five minutes of the throw in. Caught Jordan with a belter to the back of the head. He’s my favourite Tyrone player too and he made me so proud to be a Tyrone man that year. But he was probably thinking he was deadly so I cracked him.”

It was widely reported that after the 2008 All-Ireland win Ryan McMenamin purposely punched himself in a club game to knock the cockiness out of himself.

Referees have been told to be on their guard but were also warned that any decisions awarded to the new medallists will only antagonise opponents even more.

Meanwhile, an Ardboe defender admitted he purposely floored a county man playing for Omagh on Sunday for wearing his socks up too high.

Brolly Plans To Insult Whole Of Tyrone As His Bookings For Chat Show Appearances In County Increases

ChartGoAfter a 3-day seminar in Kildare, psychologists have failed to explain a new phenomenon whereby the more Joe Brolly abuses and insults Tyrone GAA and its popular sporting figures, the more invites he receives from clubs within the county to appear at chat show evenings.

Financial experts maintain that for every anti-Tyrone outburst by the Dungiven barrister, his bank balance is boosted by over £10’000 by cash-laden clubs hoping to parade the 1993 All-Ireland winner on podiums alongside other lesser-light pundits such as Paddy Heaney and Adrian Logan, prior to big games.

Professor of Relationships at Trinity College, Dr Jack Rooster, explained:

“We just cannot explain the crazy mindset in Tyrone. It appears that the more Brolly angers them, the more money they’ll throw at him, with 1000s of women also hoping to get a photo taken with him. We reckon that his decision to tell Mickey Harte to eff off as well as to receive the sack within the last 7 days will earn him over £40’000 before the year is out – all paid out by confused club chairmen across the county. It’s a more perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome.”

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

Insiders have revealed that Brolly hopes to increase his Tyrone-insult rates to 4-a-week, with local women and animals due a hit before the summer starts – earning him a potentially cool £1m in the process.

An anonymous chairman informed us:

“I know we shouldn’t be giving this wee bollocks the time of day – he has ridiculed everything we’ve ever achieved as a county. But I’ve booked him in for a chat evening around August time. I can’t explain why. I’m afraid to explore these feelings.”

Scientists will re-convene tomorrow to debate the Tyrone/Brolly psychology and intend on giving it a name by the end of the week.

Tyrone GAA Treasurer Seen Wearing New Fur Coat Around The Moy

Tyrone treasurer buying cabbage

Tyrone treasurer buying cabbage

A recently re-elected Tyrone GAA committee member responsible for the financial management within the county has been spotted walking around The Moy brazenly wearing a fur coat as well as more finger rings than he’d usually wear.

Ralf McKeogh, who also holds the record for the most wides in one game at U16 level, has denied any misconduct and maintains he has the receipts for all recent purchases to match the money taken from his own personal account, however he was smirking at the time.

Local sceptics, including his old U16 manager Harry Donaghy, remain doubtful:

“It was the same last year. A week after the Tyrone County Convention he was spotted in a pub in Belfast wearing a crown. Or maybe it was in the Crown Pub. I can’t remember but what I definitely recall is all those wides against Brocagh back in 1991.”

McKeogh’s uncle Patsy, who was the first man to swim the River Blackwater from start to finish, also remains unconvinced about his wealthy nephew:

“He always seems to buy the smallest presents at Christmas. This is the classic sign of a miserably wealthy man. And he’s always laughing when you ask him about the county’s financial state, saying things like ‘we’re getting it tight’ but winking at the same time. I’d put nothing past that man.”

McKeogh refused to comment but was last seen asking a young lad from Charlemont to go buy him the biggest turkey from the local butchers.

 

 

Tyrone Men Officially ‘Good For Nothing’ After County Convention Elections

useless-ploughFollowing the welcome news that Tyrone GAA will be spearheaded by the brilliant Roisin Jordan, the first female chairperson of a county board in Ireland since its inception in 1884, Tyrone men have been finally consigned to the dung-heap after years of narrowly avoiding the label of being ‘good for nothing’.

Government statistics revealed that in the early part of 2014: 93% of teachers in the county were women as well as 79% of politicians including the high profile and successful Michelle O’Neill and Michelle Gildernew. 81% of county businesses had female CEOs or figureheads, 73% of GPs were women, 69% of dentists and 85% of farmers also female.

Long-time Tyrone man Cathal Corr admitted living in the county was ‘a bit scary’ but added it was only a matter of time before women took the reins in almost every facet of everyday life:

“Let’s be honest. They’ve been smarter for years. We could only hold them back through skulduggery for so long. Now with fair play and all that stuff we’ve been exposed for what we really are – good for feck all. I’m trying the rack my brains here looking for an example of something we’re better at and there’s nothing. Yesterday I was driving through Augher and I saw a pregnant woman with three sheep on her shoulders whipping a cow whilst talking on the phone to the Credit Union. Her husband was sitting behind her in the mud eating a turnip.”

Rumours that Jordan’s first move will be to order Mickey Harte to play 2-3 women in the full back line for Tyrone in the McKenna Cup have been dismissed as pure speculation.

Meanwhile, Omagh Technical College have asked that men need not apply for any courses next year unless they can prove they can write neatly without passing wind or can desist from scratching themselves whilst looking out the window at the same time.

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