A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin.
Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.
A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.
“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”
When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’.
Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.
Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.
A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’
A close confidante of McElduff’s added:
“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”
The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.
“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”
remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.
A swoop on a house in Kildress has unveiled detailed plans to create maximum mayhem on the Down GAA senior football team this weekend ahead of their championship opener in Omagh.
The plot, codenamed ‘Mourne Mayhem’, included the hiring of the Dungannon Silver Band to play outside an hotel on Saturday night in Omagh where James McCartan and his Down team will be staying ahead of the big game. Other subplots included asking some of the best looking women in the county, and men, to seduce certain key members of the Down squad, leaving them physically useless by the time of the throw in.
Triangle player in the Dungannon Brass Band, Declan Murtagh, admitted his conscience got the better of him and drove straight to the PSNI office this morning:
“I was finding it hard to sleep at night. About a week ago we were asked by a man in a Kildress accent to play about twenty tunes outside Silverbirch Hotel at midnight before the game. He said he’d make it worthwhile for us and would throw in boxes of Brasso for us to polish out instruments and stuff. As tempting as that was – every man loves a shiny triangle – I felt bad as my wife’s from Kilkeel. Anyway, I touted.”
PSNI detectives revealed a series of back-up plans were also concocted including getting youngsters to run up and kick important Down players on the ankle in the hotel lobby the morning of the game. Chief Superintendent Sammy Prenter admitted the idea to gather up the best looking people in the county and position them at various parts of the hotel was a clear sign of a great but devious mind:
“This group had drawn up a list of 10 people who they all thought were great-looking and were going to approach them tomorrow to lure Down players back to their hotel rooms on Saturday night and then keep them active til the early hours. It might have worked too. There’s a woman from Urney on the list who’s a real stunner as well as a man from Drumquin who would melt any man’s heart. We got there just in time.”
The Tyrone GAA management team have denied any knowledge of the plot but added that it was great to see no stone unturned.
A 45-year old car mechanic from Carrickmore was today said to be disconsolate and despondent after being ignored or ridiculed all weekend as it emerged he attended a live performance of an Italian pianist in Belfast.
Malachy McCallan, who only went because there was a free ticket going, let the cat out of the bag when he was tagged in a Facebook comment by his posh cousin in Donaghmore. Responding to his cousin’s Facebook status update ‘Having a great time at the Waterfront watching Ludovico Einaudi‘, McCallan wrote ‘Aye, he’s quare and good on the pianer‘ for which he received dog’s abuse from his family and friends.
His father, John, was adamant that it was his mother’s side of the family he took this interest from:
“Who the feck does he think he is? None of my ancestors were into that stuff. Her family come from Down somewhere so that might explain that. He’s some bollocks though.”
Brother in law Peter Cammel, a speed-plasterer, added to the chorus of discontent:
“Does he think he’s all it now? Swanning about there listening to pianer music and stuff. There’s a name for boys like that around here.”
Malachy tried to make amends last night by wearing a Gareth Brooks hoodie to mass and listening to ACDC with his windows down but to no avail. During his sermon, Fr Kelly remarked:
“People need to remember where they come from and not get above themselves like Judas did. What McCallan did was very close to adultery.”
McCallan has vowed to refuse any free tickets in future unless they involved country, heavy metal or local traditional talent.