Category Archives: Edendork
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
There has been widespread rumours in the county that Edendork GAC are “at it again” following revelations that the club chairman’s new caravan is subject of the clubs next “Grand Prize Draw”. An Edendork insider who wished to be named only as “trout” revealed to this reporter that the chairman, Mr Sean O’Donnell, purchased the spank new mobile home on the Stewartstown Road just outside Coalisland exactly one month ago. Tyrone Tribulations has confirmed this fact with the Mid Ulster Land and Properties Agency.
However, as of yesterday, Edendork GAC has managed to sell upwards of 2000 tickets for the caravan in a raffle at £25 a pop. This latest raffle comes after a house which the club raffled in 2010 was magically won by 5 players; and a car the club sold tickets for a full two years also won by a committee member – both following ticket sales the length and breadth of Ireland; and the fact that snowball at the local hall, despite running for 326 years, was NEVER won and remains officially “thawed”. It has led for calls that the club be investigated by the Fraud in the Communities of Ulster Kapturers (the FCUKers).
Edendork club agreed to let this reporter speak to club Spokesman Joe Knowles, who after telling us he would not be taking any questions, said:
“Thanks for coming here today. We can confirm that we are raffling off tickets for a brand-new state of the art mobile home which was very kindly donated to the club. If you want a ticket I can do you one for £25 or three for £85”
Knowles continued, reading from a folded piece of paper he pulled from his back pocket while putting on his very thick spectacles and clearing his throat:
“This brand new, never before legally owned unit, is 100% the property of Edendork GAA community. As such we, as members and custodians of the club, bestow in it full and proper title, and to any beneficiary to whom we doth choose by our own free will to thereafter gift legal title in it, by way of any trust or other such settlement is fully above board”
When Tyrone Tribulations pressed that the caravan was in fact not legitimately intended for a real raffle, but was owned by the chairman, and that it was probable that his name would magically appear from the tombola, Mr Knowles just started to run for the safety of his car, only to shout to his wife: “Rosemary, let that dog aff”. This reporter suffered cuts and bruises.
In other unrelated news, a spider from Irvinestown has been awarded compensation after a particularly windy night blew him over the County border into Fermanagh, where he has been forced to stay without contact with anyone or anything from Tyrone for the past five months.
Tickets for the draw, which unless you are from Edendork you are unlikely to win, can be purchased at https://winaholidayhomeinireland.com/
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
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By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack.
In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.
An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:
We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”
It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.
Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.
Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Dublin, who extended their unbeaten run to 30 games after a win over Cavan in the Allianz League opener, are said to be spooked at the news that Owen Mulligan may return to face the champions on Saturday night in Croke Park.
Mulligan, who has reportedly shed 3 stone by running up and down Cookstown Main Street during the middle of the night, memorably tortured the capital’s team in 2005 over two games including a goal which some describe the greatest they’ve seen in the famed headquarter turf. His 1-7 in the replay cemented the Cookstown man as Dublin’s nemesis that year.
A Dublin backroom member told a reporter this evening:
“This is a spanner in the works. We know we can handle this current Tyrone crop but Mulligan is a different species altogether. Paddy Christie told me recently he still wakes up in cold sweats about that goal. Coman Goggins took to sleepwalking straight after that game. And if Mugsy has shed three stone he’ll be hungry.”
Dublin’s 30-game unbeaten record in league and championship, going right back to March 1st, 2015, sees them as odds-on favourites for Saturday night’s clash despite Mulligan’s imminent arrival. Taking advantage of the bookie’s odds of 2/1, dozens of Cookstown punters have lumped on Tyrone due to their hero’s physical conditioning. Close friend and chronic gambler John Datsun explained:
“It’s like Rocky 4. Owen is going to kick that big Russian’s arse, or Jack McCaffrey as we know him as in Ireland. You should see Mugsy carrying in 6 kegs at the one time into the bar. He’s a pure beast right now and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. He’s gonna ate the leg clean off Michael Darragh MacAuley.”
Mulligan is also reportedly sporting a new look which will remain under wraps until he runs out onto the pitch, if this story is true at all.
Darren McCurry is apparently unhappy at the prospect of being benched in favour of the former All-Star, with the Edendork sharpshooter cryptically tweeting ‘what a load of bollocks #nevergoback #yourepastit #sticktopullinpints’
A new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.
After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.
In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:
NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!
- ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
- EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
- OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
- DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
- CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
- TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
- DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!
NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!
- JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
- SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
- DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
- 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
- MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!
NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!
- CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
- MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
- UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
- REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
- SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.
NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!
- JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
- MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
- TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
- MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
- and much, much more
Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99
With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:
“Pile of shite” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“The hell do I care” – MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK
“What are you really sellin?” – DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON
“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?” – B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE
“Balls” – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH
“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.” – ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE
“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.” – E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“Still shite, stop asking me.” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?” – A FOSTER, TRILLICK
“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week” – JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH
“Super, my hole” – FR FAY, CLONOE
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Darren McCurry was reportedly flying in training in a late bid to force his way onto the Tyrone starting team to play against their dear neighbours Derry in the first round of the Ulster Championship this Sunday.
Insiders confirmed that the Edendork sharpshooter arrived in training last night by jet-pack and remained flying until he ran out of fuel around half nine. Clonoe’s Conor McAliskey was allegedly furious at the lengths his fellow corner forward was going to to worm his way into Harte’s plans. A squad member told us:
“You should have seen McAliskey’s face. Everyone knows that if you’re flying in training Harte tends to pick you so McCurry took the cliche to a new level. To be fair to Conor, he latched onto another GAA saying and started kicking lumps out of Sean Cavanagh. Real lumps, like. Everyone knows that if a player is kicking lumps out of others in training then Harte knows he’s psyched up for the championship. Sean’s in a bad way though. Holes all over him.”
McCurry’s new approach saw him become a genuine target man for Mickey O’Neill’s kickouts as he won 20 out of 20 punts from the keeper, uncontested, though he was whistled for over-carrying every time. He was also blown out of Garvaghey towards the Ballygawley roundabout several times by high winds.
Reports suggest Harte was impressed by the lengths McCurry was prepared to go to but reminded the diminutive forward that Ricey McMenamin once gave 101% during training in 2008, verified by medical science through a GPS monitor strapped onto his back.
Niall Morgan’s attempt to ‘bust his balls’ in a last-ditch attempt to make his way onto the side unfortunately saw him in A&E overnight.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.
It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.
Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.
It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.
Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.
With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.
Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.
Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.
In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.
PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.
At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.
Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.
Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;
“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”
Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.
Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.
Pope Francis, who has been lauded as one of the more progressive popes in recent centuries, surprised worshippers during an open air Mass in Philadelphia with an audible outburst during a minute’s silence for private intentions.
The Pope, who momentarily forgot he had a microphone wired into his robes, finished the silent minute with a quite clear ‘C’mon Urney te feck’ before blessing himself and carrying on with the rest of the ceremony.
Urney supporter and jersey washer Harriet McElhinney is adamant that, as expected, God is on the side of the West Tyrone men as they prepare for the Intermediate final against Edendork:
“We’re not getting complacent or anything but surely this is a sign that the man above is watching over us in our pursuit of senior status. Pope Francis is obviously keeping a close eye on Urney St Columba’s this year. I’d say he’s not overly fond of Edendork what with their gambling and all in that bingo hall. And St Malachy wasn’t half the man Columba was. Sure didn’t Columba build a monastery in Derry with his own hands, plastering it himself and him with his back broke from rowing back and forth to Scotland for sand.”
Papal officials confirmed Francis did not know his microphone was on at all times and apologised to Edendork players, officials and supporters, adding that McCurry would ‘take some watching’.
Meanwhile, the Vatican have granted Urney an audience with the Pope this week but have yet to decide whether or not to accept the gift of a bottle of home-made poitin after recent figures suggested 98 bottles of wine are consumed per person in the Vatican per year. Pope Francis maintains accepting the gift would be a bad start for his ‘Go Sober In October’ initiative.