- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.
The former Miss Tattyreagh 1981, Janice McCabe, was today celebrating her stroke of luck after winning some money in the Irish Lotto. Champagne corks were heard all over the townland last night when the news spread of McCabe’s good fortune, coming soon after her uncle Dan won £20 in a scratch card whilst on holidays in Bundoran.
“I nearly didn’t do the lotto this week. My husband told be he’d run out of cigarette paper so I shot down and noticed there was still a couple of minutes before the lotto cut off time. I ordered a lucky dip, a Yorkie and a packet of Rizla. I couldn’t believe my luck that night when I checked the numbers. This couldn’t have come at a better time.”
The McCabes had been experiencing a torrid time recently with the news that a few loose tiles had been noticed outside the shower door hinting at a bit of damp. Her husband Leon had also been suffering from a heavy cold recently and was “a bit of a bear” according to the former beauty queen.
“We need to sit down and decide what to do with the money. There are so many things I need doing here in the house and it looks like thon miserable bollocks isn’t getting up off his hole. Thank the Lord for those three numbers and the bonus. He works in mysterious ways. At last Tattyreagh is on the map”
When this reporter pointed out that she’d only be picking up €27, McCabe initially refused to believe it before launching into an expletive tirade on the Irish government calling them “an fcukin shower of thieving hoors” and “crooks”. She is also refusing to pay the bar bill from last night’s premature celebrations in The Middle House.