The manager of a local bar in Urney has launched a marketing campaign in a determined effort to improve the quality of service to its customers. Paul Taggart, who runs McGee’s Bar in the hamlet, decided to improve the pub after having attended a 1-day marketing course in Omagh last month. He denies that he is using big words he learned on the course without knowing what they mean.
Launched with the slogan, ‘Come to McGee’s. You Won’t Get Better’, Taggart said,
“We really want to dynamise the whole customer experience and start taking a collaborative approach with the clientele. That’s why we’re going to put fresh sawdust down in the bogs once a week from now on. And we’ve also got some of them deadly wee blue things to stick in the urinals, like they’ve got in the upmarket bars in Donaghmore. McGee’s is going places. Make no mistake”.
He went on,
“We need some actionable strategies that will help give people a relaxed and tranquil environment, that makes them want to come in and get completely hammered”.
Locals however have not responded well to the new approach, with many customers saying that the decision to start serving fancy cocktails such as lager and lime, and stocking new-fangled flavoured crisps like Worcester sauce was ‘a bridge too far’. One anonymous regular complained that after having been forcibly ejected from McGee’s on Friday for making favourable comments about Joe Brolly, Taggart asked him to complete a questionnaire on his ‘experience’.
“Listen to this”, fumed the 58-year old borderline alcoholic. “‘On a scale of 1 to 10 how satisfied are you with the way you were thrown into the schuch?’ Any more of that shite and I’ll take a collaborative approach to slapping him in the bake. That bollox has gone on thon course and come back with his mouth full of marbles”.
Another customer who also asked not to be named said he was asked by Taggart whether the ambience of the bar lived up to his expectations.
“I wouldn’t have minded, but I was vomiting all over my own legs at the time. There’s a time and a place. Jaysus, I must’ve had a skinful”.
“It’s a transitional project”, admitted Taggart, who said that the questionnaire was aimed at his ‘target demographic’ which are regulars who frequently become angry with inanimate objects, or loudly claim to be an expert on things they know nothing about when sober.
The former Miss Tattyreagh 1981, Janice McCabe, was today celebrating her stroke of luck after winning some money in the Irish Lotto. Champagne corks were heard all over the townland last night when the news spread of McCabe’s good fortune, coming soon after her uncle Dan won £20 in a scratch card whilst on holidays in Bundoran.
“I nearly didn’t do the lotto this week. My husband told be he’d run out of cigarette paper so I shot down and noticed there was still a couple of minutes before the lotto cut off time. I ordered a lucky dip, a Yorkie and a packet of Rizla. I couldn’t believe my luck that night when I checked the numbers. This couldn’t have come at a better time.”
The McCabes had been experiencing a torrid time recently with the news that a few loose tiles had been noticed outside the shower door hinting at a bit of damp. Her husband Leon had also been suffering from a heavy cold recently and was “a bit of a bear” according to the former beauty queen.
“We need to sit down and decide what to do with the money. There are so many things I need doing here in the house and it looks like thon miserable bollocks isn’t getting up off his hole. Thank the Lord for those three numbers and the bonus. He works in mysterious ways. At last Tattyreagh is on the map”
When this reporter pointed out that she’d only be picking up €27, McCabe initially refused to believe it before launching into an expletive tirade on the Irish government calling them “an fcukin shower of thieving hoors” and “crooks”. She is also refusing to pay the bar bill from last night’s premature celebrations in The Middle House.