Monthly Archives: July 2022
Fermanagh Thermometer Homecoming Arrangements Announced
Fermanagh, who set the highest temperature this year when Derrylin recorded over 31 degrees on Monday, will have the opportunity to honour the thermometer today after it was announced the device will return from Dublin where it was verified by independent adjudicators.
In Dublin, the mercury was tested for illegal enhancements after rumours circulated on social media about its connections with shady figures from the greater Belcoo area, but were proven unfounded.
The bus top tour will begin in Newtownbutler at 1pm and head to Lisnaskea, Lisbellaw, Enniskillen, Trillick and then back down again finishing in Derrylin around 8pm. An Elvis impersonator from Brookeborough will perform Burning Love.
Fermanagh native Barney Darcy explained the significance:
“This is up there with the 2004 All Ireland Semi Final run. We’ve had to endure some horrid times recently with Armagh doing well this year and the Tyrone achieving the ultimate nightmare last year. The whole of Fermanagh will be out today cheering the mercury to the hilt. There’ll not be a piece of crystal made in the county for a week.”
The Tyrone thermometer was disqualified after it was found illegally overheating in the glove compartment of a 1988 Mazda RX-7 in a field near Beragh.
Orange Order To Meet Tyrone GAA To Explain Why No Tyrone Flags On Bonfires
In what has been described as ‘another kick in the nuts in 2022’, Tyrone GAA have requested a meeting with the Orange Order to clarify why Tyrone flags were absent from their bonfires this year.
The 11th night bonfires, which are usually adorned with items of hate by the builders, are often an accurate gauge of successes within the nationalist communities from sport and politics to religion and music.
A Garvaghey spokesman explained his disbelief at the insult caused by the lack of Tyrone flags on the hate pyres:
I think this is a wake-up call for all associated with Tyrone GAA. There were even Derry flags and Armagh flags on the bonfires in Tyrone. It was humiliating. The Orange Order hate nearly everything but not us this year it seems. It’s like we’re irrelevant.
It is expected that pictures of this year’s bonfires will be pinned to the changing rooms for the first collective training session for next season by Dooher and Logan.
Meanwhile, archeologists have unearthed fossils which indicate that there were traffic wardens in Coalisland over 1000 years ago.
Boris Johnson Says Canavan Definitely Touched The Ball On The Ground In ’95
The final nail was driven into the argument that Sean McLaughlin’s point should have stood in the All Ireland Final of 1995 against Dublin after the English PM Boris Johnson today said that Canavan ‘definitely definitely’ touched it on the ground before passing to McLaughlin.
Johnson, who has a history of integrity and accuracy, claims he watched the match recently on Sky TV despite it not being on the schedule. When pushed on this, Johnson told a joke about three men in a bar, winked and then went for a cycle.
The Tyrone County Board admitted that this was devastating news but have now resigned themselves to not getting a replay 27 years on.
“That’s that then. Our last hope was that Johnson would see what we saw, but he’s siding with Paddy Russell and we have to accept it. The man is never wrong. We were hoping he’d look at a free we should have received in the ’86 final against Kerry but there’s no point now.”
Johnson also said Tyrone should have had more than 4 players sent off against the orange men in the league this year which was greeted with loud cheers from the DUP benchers behind him.
Novelty Acts Or Recitals May Replace GAA Penalty Shoot-Outs Next Year
The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.
With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.
Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.
The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.
Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.
Tyrone Tribulations 