Monthly Archives: September 2021
Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral
The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.
Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.
Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.
Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:
“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”
One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
Misunderstanding Stuns Fans As Garth Brooks Commits To Playing Croke Park Next Year, As A Tyrone Player
Country and Western fans are again left distraught for a second time after believing Garth Brooks had signed up to five concerts due to rumours emanating from the USA at the weekend.
It has since emerged that Brooks is bidding to make the Tyrone senior squad next year and is targeting at least five appearances at headquarters, three from the bench initially. Feargal Logan is a well known fan of the singer, boosting his chances of ousting McShane or Bradley from the starting 15.
A PR spokesman explained:
“Garth was smitten by the final last week and fancies himself as a burly corner forward. He likes the ball in low places and believes some of the players are much too young at the minute. He’s determined and when the thunder rolls, there’s no better man to leave the opposition with unanswered prayers.”
After they’ve come to terms with no concerts, the sight of Brooks in a Tyrone jersey may be too much for the c&w loving county and local medics are urging for calm.
Ironically, Brian Dooher serenaded the squad on the way from from Croke Park on Saturday Night with If Tomorrow Never Comes, leaving Ronan McNamee and Tiernan McCann in floods of tears.
A rumour that Tyrone might let Mayo win if instructed by Dooher has been ridiculed as another Tyrone dark art ruse by those closest to the Mayo team who study DVDs and moving images.
The leaked training video which shows a bearded Dooher telling his troops to ‘give this one to Mayo sure‘ did appear to possess some special effects as Dooher hasn’t had a beard in years and Ricey McMenamin seems to be one of the obscured players in the semi circle.
A top Mayo videologist maintains that the video is fake and is an attempt by the ‘Class of 2005’ to indulge one last time in the Dark Arts and mess with Mayo heads.
“It might work on Kerry, but not us. The cuteness of hoorism isn’t just up north. The west’s hoors are as cute, if not cuter. There’s no way that video is real. Sure Mugsy is in it too holding a dog and mooning at the camera man. It won’t work!”
Rumours that Mayo have already constructed a Sam Coming Home stage in Castlebar has also been ridiculed. It has since been claimed that a building firm from Strabane erected it during a lunch break last week to wind the local media up. It has still to be taken down.