Category Archives: Garvaghey

Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners

Picture21by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket

An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.

The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.

With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.

Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.

Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:

“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.

It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”

In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.

Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks

 

dark-night-on-the-grass

Brackaville, at night.

A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success. 

 

Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.

A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:

“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”

The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.

95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.

Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game

 

1994

McCurry lines up a free kick

Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.

 

A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:

“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”

Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.

The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.

 

Harte Orders Tyrone To Train EIGHT Days A Week After Armagh Defeat

ofiaichcupVomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.

The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.

Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.

A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:

“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”

Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.

Bull Arrested For Indecency Following New Bovine Crackdown Laws

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An Eskra bull

A Ballycairn Tiergan bull has become the first victim of new draconian cattle laws which forbids various shows of indecency ranging from rampant defecation in public to open displays of romance.

The new ruling, introduced by the DUP’s Pastor William McGrin who retained his position last year as Minister for Standards and Decency, has come under fire in recent weeks for being obsolete as no beast had been convicted since its introduction.

However, PSNI officials confirmed that at 3:45pm today, a bull from Eskra was arrested for mounting three cows in the space of two hours in a field beside the local primary school.

Chief Constable Patrick Talbot confirmed:

“Today we received reports of a Tiergan bull indulging in lewd behaviour in full view of 150 schoolchildren as well as several elderly teachers who were treated for shock. On arrival, the bull continued to show no sign of control and continued to trouble the cows who just seemed to be interested in the grass. He also brazenly dunged when arrested.”

The constable revealed that Barry the bull continued to show complete disregard for authority by defecating all over the police van as well as in the incident room where he refused to answer any questions and wrecked the table.

Talbot warned:

“This is just the start. Some of the behaviour in the fields is almost worse than the scenes outside Sallys or Strabane on a Saturday night. We’ll take no prisoners. There will be many more Barrys, mark my words.”

A new Cattle Finishing School has been set up in Garvaghey to help worried farmers train their livestock to behave in a more refined manner.

How Brexit Affected Tyrone

EU-FLagBREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION

Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.

Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.

Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.

YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS

In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.

“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.

PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV

A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:

“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”

Police Called To Tyrone GAA Senior Squad Secret Santa Get Together

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McCann not impressed with quality

Tyrone County spokesperson Mary Fitzgerald admitted ‘we’ll not be doing that again‘ after the senior squad’s Secret Santa ended in bitter acrimony and fist-fighting.

The new county bonding initiative, which sees a player secretly pick a team mate’s name out of a hat at the end of November and then anonymously buy a present for them, is a staple festive gesture in offices and businesses across the planet.

Fitzgerald explained how the event began in bad taste at the county’s centre of excellence in Garvaghey:

“First out of the hat has Tiernan McCann’s present. Someone had bought him a pair of hair straighteners and a mirror. McCann never smiled once when on stage to collect his and even muttered something about them being ‘them oul shite Boots ones anyway‘ under his breath. I could see Colm Cavanagh a bit more red-faced than usual in the crowd.”

Apparently, the worst reaction was Mark Bradley who received a ladder and a note which said ‘that is for when you’re washing the skirting boards‘.

“Bradley went clean mad when he saw Ronan O’Neill smirking and went over to him and battered the head off him with the ladder. Then when Sean Cavanagh got his present, a scuba-diving outfit, the place erupted with players loyal to the captain slapping away at some of the new-comers to the squad who were chief suspects.”

The Secret Santa session was then immediately halted after Mickey Harte received his present, a Nazi soldier fancy dress outfit. Fingers were pointed at some of the Ardboe players not in the squad any more, who had somehow managed to sneak the present into the bag via a current player’s cooperation.

Meanwhile, in some good news the initiative raised £300 for charity. This year’s chosen charity is The Midges Conservation Trust.

Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains

istock_000007218425small.jpgDrainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.

Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:

“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”

Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:

“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com

Ask Agnes – Tyrone’s Only Agony Aunt

new zeldaDear Agnes,

Yesterday I burnt the lamb in the slow cooker for the second day running. I knew Pat would go mad when he came in from the yard as he works hard but he reacted really badly to this one. He called me every name you could think of and then insulted all my family one by one. He’s now sleeping in the spare room and only grunts when passing me by. I just don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 18 years and I don’t want it to end badly, for the kids’ sake. What should I do? I know he wouldn’t lift a finger to me but the silent treatment is just as bad. Please help.

MARY, COOKSTOWN

Agnes says:

Lay the carrots & onion on the bottom of the slow cooker & then place meat on top. Add about 2 jugfuls of stock/gravy & cook on low for about 6 hours.
You can use the leftover lamb to make a Shepherd’s Pie.

Dear Agnes,

The midges are driving me mad already and it’s only April. What can I do?

JOHN PAT, ARDBOE

Agnes says:

Nothing.

Dear Agnes,

My husband’s dog started attacking the milkman last week and I went out to save him. One thing led to another and now I think I’m pregnant. Any advice welcome.

TINA, STRABANE

Agnes says:

Depends on the type of dog. Alsations are discreet animals but if it was a Pomerian it’ll be yapping away to your husband as soon as it puts two and two together. If that’s the case, a long drive with the dog might be something to consider.

Dear Agnes,

My youngest son wants to become a clown. He said he would rather be a Lambeg drummer, but for obvious reasons I will not allow it. I humbly ask you for some advice on where my son should have his training and education to become the best birthday party clown this side of Belfast?

PAUL, DONAGHMORE

Agnes says:

Try the GAA refereeing and umpiring course up in Garvaghey next Saturday. There’ll be a plethora of experienced clowns about that day. And good luck.

Dear Agnes,

Can you settle an argument? Who’s the better singer – Susan McCann or Philomena Begley? COLIN, MOY

Agnes says,

Depends on how much you’ve drank and what you’re drinking. I find Begley a delight after 5 bottle of stout and the same amount of single malt doubles as chasers. McCann is wonderful during and after a large bottle of gin. A word of warning for our younger readers – do not listen to either on an empty stomach.

Gaelic Football On Life Support As Armagh Caught Using Planetarium To Spy On Tyrone

Contraption used to spy on Tyrone

Contraption used to spy on Tyrone

Already under pressure from TV, radio and print journalists across the country for the standard of football, the GAA received another blow to its image after a raid on Armagh Planetarium found high-tech telescopes and satellite devices pointed directly at various locations in Tyrone including their GAA headquarters in Garvaghey and Sean Cavanagh’s back garden.

Suspicions were raised on Tuesday night after players noticed a ‘hovering star with flashing red lights on it’ during county training which was later confirmed by NASA as an Armagh-made satellite named ArmNav. The 13-acre floating structure was sending images back to the planetarium where Kieran McGeeney and other members of the Armagh management team dissected the information in preparation for a potential clash between the counties later in the Summer.

During the dawn raid, the PSNI astronomical investigation team also found some of the most powerful telescopes on the planet trained on a garden in the The Moy, suspected to be that owned by Tyrone captain Sean Cavanagh. DVDs seized showed hundreds of hours of footage of Cavanagh in his garden doing shimmies and pulling down trees as well as a few mid-winter barbecue sessions.

A Tyrone County Board official told us:

“Right, it has gone too far. This paranoia within the game is destroying us. Defensive tactics look like child’s play compared to the efforts of McGeeney’s back room team. Apparently one of the telescopes was able to see right into Mickey Harte’s kitchen, where he often draw tactics on conflate boxes and stuff.”

The finger of suspicion has fallen on a female Armagh-born employee in the planetarium with strong links to the Moy through marriage. An insider, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed the character in question seemed to work late shifts a lot more since the new year and appeared to be wearing fresh Armagh gear every week.

School GAA Match Abandoned After All Players Refuse To Cross Halfway In Full-On Double Duvet Tactics

Ridiculous attacking move

Ridiculous attacking move from Cavanagh

Tactics in modern football were further under scrutiny today after an U14 school’s game between Dungannon and Omagh was blown up on 15 minutes after it became clear that neither side were allowed to cross the half way line by their respective coaches.

The abandonment of the game follows on from the news last week that many under-age managers were using leather straps and branches as threats if their players attacked without prior negotiations.

Describing the game as ‘farcical’ and ‘not blanket but double-duvet defence’, Irish News reporter Kenny Arrow detailed in his report how one player from the Omagh side paid for an innocent indiscretion:

“….On five minutes the Omagh no.14 accidentally stepped over the half way line after receiving a poor fisted pass from his captain. His manager let him know on no uncertain terms that he would be dropped from the panel if it happened again and not to be so cheeky in future. He was subbed immediately.”

Nine kicks were executed during the 15 minutes of play as both teams attempted to score points from their own 45m line, with the ball usually dropping somewhere around their opponent’s 45m line.

Arrow described how the game ended:

“Given their small stature and limited leg power, as well as both managers’ insistence that no one broke ranks, it became obvious to the ref that this was going to end 0-0 to 0-0 so he called for the ball. Both sets of players seemed happy enough to take the draw and a replay is pencilled in for Friday evening.”

An emergency meeting has been hastily arranged tonight at Garvaghey to discuss the standard of football in the county. Attack-minded thinkers have been told to stay away.

 

Tyrone GAA Golden Generation Breeding Programme Details Revealed

Garvaghey Room of Love

Garvaghey Room of Love

A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.

The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.

Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:

“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”

No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.

Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.

The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.

Morgan concluded:

“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”

Tyrone Tennis Academy For Youngsters To Open, Possibly In Garvaghey

Top of the range

Top of the range

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The recent TV coverage of tennis at Wimbledon has prompted a local opportunist entrepreneur to capitalise on the renewed interest in the sport.

Fergal Donaghy from Annaghmore decided to make the investment after seeing two youngsters playing with tennis racquets near Greencastle last week during the Wimbledon fortnight.

“Sure, they were using them to belt lumps out of each other, but still, it’s the Wimbledon effect”, said an excited Donaghy. “The cubs are mad for the tennis in Tyrone, and once my tennis centre opens, they’ll be flocking in”.

Donaghy has already started work on a permanent venue for the centre and a search for much-needed equipment.

“Aye, we’re still sort of planning where the site’s going to be. The place I’m using at the moment is amazing with lots and lots of space and kids think it’s class, but apparently Asda say it’s ‘their’ car park. Sure, we’ll squeeze it into a corner of Garvaghey. They won’t mind. We don’t need much space because I’m going to use much smaller tennis courts. The size of existing courts has players run ragged. No wonder Andy Murray’s always got a face like a slapped arse. The poor lad’s knackered. No, we’re going to reduce the court by about three quarters. Revolutionary”.

He continued,

“Thon Andy Murray’s a class act. Unbeatable. I didn’t get to see much of Wimbledon this year, but I didn’t have to to know that he’s won it again. He’s unbeatable that boy”.

Sourcing appropriate kit has so far has proved a challenge for the entrepreneur.

“I picked up all these class state-of-the-art wooden tennis racquets at a sale. The kids love playing with them. Imagine how much more they’ll like them once we put strings in them. Tennis racquet string’s supposed to be made from catgut, and we tried sourcing it locally, but Jays, it was some handlin’. The miaowing’s still ringing in my ears. I’ve still got the scratches. I’m not making that mistake again. A wee bit of blue rope will do the job just as well”.

Donaghy revealed exciting expansion plans for the future.

“Once this tennis centre’s open, I’ll do one in every county. Armagh’s first, then Fermanagh, probably in Enniskillen. I want to come up with a snappy name for it that combines ‘Enniskillen’ with ‘tennis’, but so far it’s got me stumped”.

Donaghy has also sent a fax to Cliff Richard asking him to stay away from the centre when it opens.

Leaked Document Shows County’s Efforts To Get On Irish TV

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Documents obtained by Tyrone Tribulations reveal the efforts being undertaken by Dungannon South & Tyrone Councilirish-internet-tv-networks to get ensure the county gets plenty of coverage on the new television channel, Irish TV, which was launched last year.

The confidential paper outlines some programme ideas and their content which was brainstormed by senior councillors, many of which will apparently go into a final proposal to be submitted to Irish TV. Some of those ideas include the following: –

Mr Black’s Girls

A sitcom about a loud, nosy, foul-mouthed Irish patriarch and his family which is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Contains faintly humorous dialogue miraculously turned into hilarious comedy gold by the adding of ‘feck’, ‘fecking’ or ‘fecked’ to every other line.

Dancing on Ice

Tyrone’s version of the BBC’s Dancing on Ice, but filmed outdoors instead of inside. Celebrities from around the county skate on a permanent field of ice whilst battling sub-zero temperatures, howling winds and freezing rain, in the middle of summer. To be filmed at the Garvaghey Complex.

FayWatch

Lynette Fay, presenting Country Afternoon in a bright red bathing suit, whilst being chatted up by David Hasselhoff wearing badly-fitting swim shorts, standing on top of the Berlin Wall.

Dogging Live

Following the success of BBC2’s Lambing Live in March, Dogging Live follows poodles, Labradors and Alsatians as they go about their nightly duties. Filmed by middle-aged men in a poorly lit car park near Strabane after midnight.

Priests Say The Funniest Things

Some of the funniest lines by Tyrone’s parish priests caught on camera, including side-splitting communions, hilarious funerals, month’s mind bloopers, and secretly-recorded confessions by Tyrone’s faithful.

Wild About Tyrone

A wildlife programme, this half-hour special will feature the indigenous but rarely seen strange and exotic creatures of Tyrone, including grass snakes, pollen fish, and Coalisland traffic wardens.

PJ and Hugo Duncan

PJ and Hugo Duncan re-live their 90s classic hit, ‘Let’s Get Ready To Skiddly Dee’ which got to number 16 in the Strabane pop charts in 1986. Performed in front of a disapproving Simon Cowell.

Dances with Wolves

A movie about the perils of drinking far too much at Sense nightclub in the Glenavon Hotel, where a combination of pounding music, the smoke machine, alcohol, and desperation, leads to poor partner-selection on the dance floor. Followed by Gorillas in the Mist.

Fivemiletown To Be Renamed ‘Eightkilometretown’ Under New EU Legislation

Fivemiletown copy

    BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

New rules introduced by the EU via Stormont will see the village of Fivemiletown in Tyrone renamed Eightkilometretown from next Monday.

Council workers were today hard at work changing signage in and around the town to ensure that the Ulster councils do not fall foul of a new
EU directive designed to ensure consistency and transparency across European members, which includes the standardisation from imperial measures to metric.

Fivemiletown is not the only location in Tyrone affected. Sixmilecross village today similarly becomes Ninekilometrecross, whilst one of the county’s best-known visitor attractions, the Beaghmore Stone Circles, a site of significant archaeological interest, becomes the Beaghmore Kilo Circles. Retail outlets are also affected, with Poundland in Dungannon’s Scotch Street changing to Gramland from next week.

Other plans which may be introduced over the next twelve months include driving on the right hand side of the road, horsemeat being sold throughout the county, again, and compulsory three-hour siestas on any day the sun comes out.

Local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann confirmed the changes:

“It makes sense. Sort of. If we’re trying to encourage Johnny Foreigner to come and visit the county we don’t want him all confused with the inches and the miles and driving on the wrong side of the road and suchlike. We want him thinking it’s just an extension of his own country. That’s why this time next year places like Cappagh and Galbally will have pavement cafes, street artists, and a branch of Harrods. A bit like Donaghmore really”.

He continued,

“Imagine walking through Greencastle up to your arse in Michelin-starred restaurants. That’s what it’ll be like. And the Garvaghey complex will probably get bulldozed and turned into a big marina with million pound yachts and pedalo boats and things. Yep, we’re going the whole nine yards. Sorry, metres”.

As part of the re-naming programme, all possible racial references will be removed to ensure that no-one can take the slightest offence, with plans already under way for the River Blackwater to be re-named the River-Of-Non-Defined-Origin-Water from October.

Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship

old-man-laughing

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

 

Brian Dooher, Goalkeeper Pascall McConnell, Ryan McMenamin, Justin McMahon and Joe McMahon 21/9/2008

It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.

 

Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.

Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:

“ach aye… no doubt!”

whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.

He went on:

“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”

Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.

It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.

Whole Of Tyrone To Boycott Spuds

nwhx6WM39 towns and villages in Tyrone have agreed to boycott potatoes “for the foreseeable future” after thousands of complaints about how they’re being treated in restaurants and cafes across the county since the 1990s. Customers have finally had enough of being offered continental dishes from baked potatoes to potato wedges when all they ask for is a plate of spuds.

Eskra farmer, Mike Kelly (71), explained their annoyance:

“You go out for a feed of spuds and the waiter rhymes off a rake of fancy dishes like roast potatoes or some other la-de-da stuff like that. What does a man have to do to get a slap of pitters? People are watching them food TV shows like Mastermind Chef or Can’t Dine With Me and now think they’re deadly at the cookin. Not a spud will be bought in this county til people get back to basics.”

Ballygawley restaurant owner John Lally admits this is the nuclear option they never anticipated:

“We’re banjaxed now. If we want to get a Michelin Star for our establishments, or even a half decent review in the local paper, we have to offer dishes that outsiders or experts eat like garlic spuds or potato soup. But our bread and butter daily clientele are giving us some savage abuse every day now. Last week our most loyal customer threatened to burn the joint down because we weren’t doing ‘plain spuds on a plate and nothing else’. What a county!”

The first ‘Save Our Spud’ rally takes place on Wednesday night in Galbally with organisers promising ‘a slap of floury balls’ for all attendees.

Meanwhile, the Garvaghey bobsleigh announced they plan to enter the 2018 Winter Olympics and are training flat out up at the new GAA complex which retains a sub-zero temperature 12 months a year.

Massive Wall To Be Built Around Garvaghey Complex To Combat Global Warming

Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh

Spectator at Owen Roes v Brocagh

Following reports of players frozen on the spot and goalkeepers needing two days of defrosting, Tyrone GAA officials announced that they’re to build a massive wall around their GAA facilities in Garvaghey – potentially becoming one of only a few manmade objects visible from space.

Complaints were made by gaels across the county that the new state-of-the-art complex outside Ballygawley was quite possibly the coldest place on the planet, rivalling Alaska, Russia and the Antarctic. An U16 player from Drumragh claims to have stalled mid-air fielding a kick-out and was only thawed into coming down to earth by several team-mates rubbing at his legs furiously.

County official Kieran McNelis informed us:

“Yes, we’re looking for a contractor to oversee the building of a massive quarter mile high wall around the entire complex to keep out the wind-chill from September til April. Only last week we had the terrible situation of an Owen Roes goalkeeper who, during a lull in play, decided to lick the ice off a goalpost and got his tongue stuck to it. Until the warm water arrived he had shipped in 4 goals. We feel that a massive wall would slow down the effects of global warming.”

Seven linesmen were also hospitalised with stiffness and the inability to let their flag go due to early signs of rigor mortis. McNelis added:

“There was also the unfair advantage afforded to Pomeroy and Galbally lads and lassies who revelled in the cold conditions, having acclimatised to mountain life over 1000s of years. Last week Mickey Harte nearly picked the whole Galbally side to play Derry before the penny dropped about the conditions.”

The building of The Great Wall of Garvaghey will commence in September 2014 and finishes in 2020 with Club Tyrone members having the choice of building half of it or doing the cement mixing.

Tyrone In Manic State At Rumours Of Garth Brooks Comeback Concert

Bound for Ballygawley?

Bound for Ballygawley?

Following the news that Garth Brooks might embark on a comeback world tour next year, Stormont officials fear that the whole county of Tyrone will go into shutdown for 12 months. Scientists in Queens University recently discovered that 99% of Tyrone residents start humming, clicking their fingers or drum the steering wheel as soon as a Brooks song comes on the radio with a remarkable 55% breaking into spontaneous line dancing in the kitchen in full view of family and visitors.

Sinn Fein’s Wolfe Tone McGahey told us:

“We’re very worried. There’ll not be a cow milked for a year, a boiler fixed or diesel sucked. As soon as word came out that he might be embarking on this tour, I immediately took a scoot down to Loughmacrory and sure enough every household had dug out their old tape recordings and were blasting out Friends In Low Places with men who should know better dancing and yahooing in their gardens in jeans turned up at the bottom. That county will coup next year.”

McGahey confirmed that they’ve already contacted the UN to see if they’ll send troops into Tyrone in 2014 to get people to go to work and turn off their wirelesses:

“We know exactly what’ll happen. As soon as it turns 2014, Tyronnies will know that’s the year Brooks comes to Ireland and they’ll be playing his stuff morning, noon and night to get ‘geared up’ for it. The Dance will be played on loop on Q101.2 by Paddy Hunter. Schools will have ‘Brooks days’ with children wearing stetsons and cowboy boots, maybe even every day. The Thunder Rolls will be blasting from young lads’ cars at night. This is a disaster.”

Edendork butcher Johnny Nelis admitted he’s beside himself:

“I can’t sleep. Aaaarrrggggggghhhhhh”

Brooks has yet to announce any tour dates yet but Tyrone officials are sure he’ll play at the new Garvaghey Complex in one of the 3G pitches.

Derry Spy Thrown Out Of Garvaghey GAA Centre

hqdefaultBallinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.

Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:

“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”

Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:

“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”

On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.

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