Category Archives: Garvaghey
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Kerry GAA Hire Former Sniper As Water Bottle Watchman For Tyrone Match
In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.
Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.
The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.
Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:
“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”
In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.
Logan And Dooher Fix Tyrone Bench Problem
By Eamonn Lowe
Yesterday morning over a Mocha (oat milk, 3 brown sugars), Fergal Logan finally broke his silence around the ‘Tyrone Bench Question’ which has single-handedly kept Irish News journalists busy for three months due to a rash of retirements.
Ignoring the £4.50 caramel squares, Fergal explained:
“You know, the boys call her “Denise”…always have done. But Brian and I just knew she wasn’t right…We tried her ourselves and you just couldn’t sit on her for more than a few minutes without getting sort of sore…and after 20 minutes or so you started to feel desperately out of sorts, your mouth went dry and your fingers started sweating”.
Warming to the topic, like a man who loves to burn his own tongue with a chocolate froth, Fergal continued:
“Brian and I had many an anguished word on this up there in the Garvaghy rain. I said I’d rebuild Denise from scratch with only the finest materials: timber you’d kill your best yew for, reinforced ratchets and bolts dipped in the bleep-test tear bucket…Brian, being Brian enrolled himself on an online Feng Shui course. He’s 5th Dan in that now, he never stops…and now today I want to reassure all Tyrone supporters that this new bench…this new Denise – Dazzler’s calling her “Darling Denise”, not that he’s allowed near her, is the finest bench that’s ever graced a Tyrone squad …in terms of her physical make up I mean… and that Brian himself has her whole energies and what-nots fully aligned and we just want this whole question of our bench to now be put to bed – as it were, like”.
This new bench was unveiled to the squad on Tuesday night in a behind-closed-doors ceremony. Fergal wouldn’t be drawn on whether those Tyrone players who remain in the squad were banned from sending photos of Denise to ex-players, now estranged.
Top Tyrone Schools To Offer A-Level In Slabberin This Year. Will Lead To Masters In Slabberin in 2026.
Top examination boards have approved a new A-Level in Slabberin which will start teaching from September 2021 in three schools in the county. It is expected to see a high level of demand following concerns of the decline of good slabberers in the county in recent years.
Students will be able to specialise in various topics such as politics, farming, GAA, viruses, the TV, cars, and weekend activities. It is expected that a clear career pathway in Slabberin will be offered by universities through a Degree in Slabberin followed by a Masters in Slabberin.
Course director Gareth O’Neill explained:
“We hope to have over 300 Slabberin masters in Tyrone by the end of this decade. The art of slabberin has declined in recent years, with many young people stuck in their phones and not slabberin about anything that comes in to their head. We’ll be the slabberin capital of the world again.”
The first cohort of slabberers will cover a module this side of Hallowe’en on ‘shouting at football matches and general gulpin behaviour in public’.
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have told average to poor club players to stop running up and down the hill at Garvaghey, as they will not be picking new players if the current squad can’t fulfill their fixture v Kerry.
Tyrone Footballers Posing As Click And Collect Garden Centre Workers To Overcome Training Ban – AT THE SAME CENTRE
The Tyrone senior county team have apparently avoided censorship by GAA officials for collective training by posing as workers at the Garvaghey Garden Centre Click and Collect section since last week, until now.
All 28 squad members as well as the entire management team have been employed by the new outlet and have been sharpening teamwork skill and speed of delivery under the watchful eyes of managers Dooher and Logan who have ‘supervisor’ badges on them.
The ruse was discovered when Mark Bradley dropped a pallet of Rhododendrons and was berated by one of the supervisors and told to do 100 press-ups. He was also told he’d have no chance of ‘Clones the year’ if he dropped another one.
Customer Stevie Digney from Scotstown fumed:
“I knew they were working it somehow. This county invented the dark arts. How they’ve been getting away with it was a mystery, but not now. When I saw Cathal McShane dodging and diving around the Cherry Blossoms the penny dropped. The red hair and Australian accent was a giveaway I hope the Irish News follow this up.”
Dooher and Logan were unavailable for comment as they are halfway through a 12-hr shift.
Dessie Farrell and Banty McEnaney are monitoring the situation closely from their isolation chambers.
Tyrone GAA To Hire Snipers To Nick Spectators Illegally Watching Games Behind Hedges
Tyrone GAA today issued a plea for any good snipers to turn up at Garvaghey tonight for a briefing on this weekend’s matches which are barred to the viewing public.
Current guidelines state that only players and officials are allowed to attend club games but with a sudden increase in hedge-cutting around the perimeter of pitches, the county board are suspicious that many may show up pretending to walk dogs and stuff.
Board member Barry De Burgh explained:
We’ve seen a marked increase in gardening and hedge-cutting around pitches this week. Coupled with ramparts being rid of brackens and ferns, we are sure that some members are planning to attend games on the pretense of being out for a walk. They’ll soon move on that when they feel the whizz going past an ear lobe.
Snipers have been asked to graze onlookers who stay over ten minutes in one particular spot.
In other news, subs on teams have been asked to not take it personally if they’re told to stay at home. In order to comply with guidelines, shite players will be text an hour before throw-in to stay at home and follow the game on Twitter.
Cost Of Sausage Rolls At Garvaghey May Be Behind Donnelly And O’Neill Departures
Although both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.
Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.
Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.
Our source added:
“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”
Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.
Tyrone Board To Cancel Plans For Unique Quarter Final Draw After Animal Rights Complaints
A Tyrone County Board member has described today’s generation as ‘snowflakers’ after they were forced to cancel plans to have a cow swallow 8 small snooker balls with numbers on them and wait for her to shite them out to form the senior championship quarter final draw.
Local animal rights activists had promised to chain themselves to the gates at the Garvaghey GAA Centre if the draw went ahead in this fashion. One such member, Aidy McGuckian, explained:
“This idea was totally ridiculous. Cows don’t eat snooker balls. And even if it did, you could be waiting days for her to shite all 8 balls out. This wasn’t well thought out at all.”
A leaked report suggests that a mostly-successful trial run had already been carried out in a field near Pomeroy last week. The only hiccups reported were when the cow shat out 2 balls at the same time, and the cleaning of the balls.
An anonymous County Board member lambasted today’s generation as ‘total snowflakers with no imagination at all’ and hasn’t ruled out carrying out their idea behind closed doors.
GAA Dubious Results Committee To Investigate Tyrone Club Scene
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey
Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.
The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.
Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.
Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:
“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”
Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.
GAA To Ask All Counties For £10m Each To Halt Dublin 2-Game Winless Run
Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan.
The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.
Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:
“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”
Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.
Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.
Harte And Sidebottom Close To UFC Grudge Fight Deal
Although neither camp has commented on the rumour, it is said that a deal to bring Mickey Harte and Mark Sidebottom into the octagon for a winner takes all clash is at an advanced stage.
Harte (65) and Sidebottom (around 50) appear to have begun their pre-fight promotion when they locked heads during an interview after Tyrone’s defeat to Donegal in the McKenna Cup final last weekend.
Although cameras caught the bulk of the interview, onlookers claimed tensions continued to simmer in the immediate aftermath of the clash. Sound technician Felix Coleman added:
“As soon as the cameras stopped rolling Sidebottom started all this slang talk and said he’d be the next Tyrone manager. Harte replied with something like ‘you’ll do buckin nothing’ and Sidebottom then flung a carton of orange Capri-Sun at him with the straw still in it. It was frightening to the stranger to see but I think it was a pre-determined promo stunt.”
Although details of the bout are sketchy at this early stage, it is mooted that the fight may take place in a field in Garvaghey with tickets already being talked about in all corners of the province.
The undercard is reported to included O Mulligan v F Bellew, P Begley v S McCann and A Foster v M Gildernew.
Ricey McMenamin To Introduce Rottweilers & Cement To Fermanagh Training
The news that Ryan McMenamin has been drafted into the Fermanagh Seniors backroom team has reportedly sparked fear and wonderment within the Erne squad with many young players deciding to remain solely playing club football for another year to ‘build themselves up a bit’.
A leaked document shows how McMenamin wowed the interviewing panel with details on how he aims to get a job at Quinn’s Cement and bring some of the stuff in his pockets to training and slip in into their drinks to ‘harden them up a bit’.
The 5-point plan also detailed an adventurous training regime which included a requisition for 20 O’Neills size 5s, 20 cones, 10 red bibs, 10 yellow bibs and 6 Rottweilers.
A Fermanagh insider added:
“We’ve had seven lads remove themselves from the WhatsApp group. Some claim to have injuries that’ll need a year to clear up. Others state they’re giving the club their all in the coming 12 months. The Ricey Effect we’re calling it. Looks like we’re left with just psychos on the panel.”
Another method on the detailed document explained how McMenamin aims to take night classes in the county which involves modules such as ‘memorising the phone book’ and ‘tickling’.
Meanwhile, Cathal McCarron’s county mileage expenses for next year has reportedly resulted in a portion of Garvaghey being sold to KFC.
Sky Sports TV Begin Colonisation Of Ireland By Visiting Garvaghey. Canavan In Cahoots.
Leaked Sky Projection 2020
A plan to colonise Ireland by Sky Sports has been unearthed by a junior reporter for the Tyrone Tribs after two prominent presenters left behind vital documents during a visit to the Tyrone GAA centre in Garvaghey.
Jeff Sterling and Chris Kamara, linchpins of Sky Sports Soccer Saturday, arrived at the Ballygawley venue supposedly to find out more about GAA in the county for their coverage of the games on satellite TV.
However, it has emerged that, with the help of Peter Canavan, it was the first shots in a planned conquest of the country by the Murdochs on a par with Cromwell in the 1650s.
The document described how Sky plan to:
- Disable RTE feeds in every county
- Launch a brutal smear campaign on Michael Lyster and Des Cahill
- Proclaim Peter Canavan ‘God’ of not just Tyrone but of England, Wales and Scotland
- Free installation of Sky in Nursing Homes
- War
GAA fanatic and RTE fan Harry Devlin from Glenelly admitted he was shocked but not surprised at the findings:
“That Murdoch lad is a ruthless bollocks. I’m disappointed at Canavan, although some said they he has his classes in Cookstown humming the Sky Soccer Saturday theme tune instead of their traditional school song ‘Baggy Trousers’.”
Croke Park have asked for volunteers to mobilise next Saturday at Parnell Park and head towards Sky’s HQ in Dublin 4.
Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms
Tyrone, an hour ago
A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital.
In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.
Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.
Taddy Pally added:
“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”
Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.
Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.
Wind Turbines In Tyrone To Be Upgraded With Fidget Spinners
by Chief Reporter Plunkett McJunket
An announcement has been made by Kerry-based wind turbine specialists Windy O’Sé Ltd which confirms that County Tyrone’s wind turbines are to be fitted with large fidget spinners in order to help the people in the county ‘cool their jets’ and ‘calm down a bit’.
The gentle hum and spinning up on the hills from Garvaghey out to Strabane is set to help wind down the wind-up merchants and cool down the hotheads across Tyrone, especially after the recent hot spell. There are some concerns about the effectiveness of the new wind turbines but the contractors were quick to dispel this stating “Ah sure it’ll be grand!”.
With the growing fast-paced lifestyle between jiving sessions and meeting local cattle demands for taking in gluten free silage, there is a renewed focus on ‘calming the whole thing down’ in County Tyrone.
Plans are also afoot to upgrade pay & display parking meters with fidget cubes.
Councillor John Joe McElhaughey of Mid Ulster Council has welcomed the move:
“Sure for flip sake isn’t it stressful enough trying to park about Dungannon, Cookstown, Makrafelt and everywhere in between without charging the poor crayters trying to navigate their way through the town? Replacing our parking meters with fidget cubes will help to ease the tension of the commute.
It will also bring trade to local businesses where wives and girlfriends may go in shopping and the boyfriends/husbands can calm themselves with focusing on the clicks and twists of a fidget cube instead of worrying where the f**k the missus has gone to in thon shop!”
In addition, Tourism NI wants to lend support to the lack of opportunities of going to a nice beach to relax in Tyrone by building a brand new luxury beach resort on the mouth of Lough Neagh, using kinetic sand for the beach so that it’s, even more, relaxing for tourists.
Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks
Brackaville, at night.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game
McCurry lines up a free kick
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Harte Orders Tyrone To Train EIGHT Days A Week After Armagh Defeat
Vomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.
The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.
Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.
A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:
“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”
Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.
Bull Arrested For Indecency Following New Bovine Crackdown Laws
An Eskra bull
A Ballycairn Tiergan bull has become the first victim of new draconian cattle laws which forbids various shows of indecency ranging from rampant defecation in public to open displays of romance.
The new ruling, introduced by the DUP’s Pastor William McGrin who retained his position last year as Minister for Standards and Decency, has come under fire in recent weeks for being obsolete as no beast had been convicted since its introduction.
However, PSNI officials confirmed that at 3:45pm today, a bull from Eskra was arrested for mounting three cows in the space of two hours in a field beside the local primary school.
Chief Constable Patrick Talbot confirmed:
“Today we received reports of a Tiergan bull indulging in lewd behaviour in full view of 150 schoolchildren as well as several elderly teachers who were treated for shock. On arrival, the bull continued to show no sign of control and continued to trouble the cows who just seemed to be interested in the grass. He also brazenly dunged when arrested.”
The constable revealed that Barry the bull continued to show complete disregard for authority by defecating all over the police van as well as in the incident room where he refused to answer any questions and wrecked the table.
Talbot warned:
“This is just the start. Some of the behaviour in the fields is almost worse than the scenes outside Sallys or Strabane on a Saturday night. We’ll take no prisoners. There will be many more Barrys, mark my words.”
A new Cattle Finishing School has been set up in Garvaghey to help worried farmers train their livestock to behave in a more refined manner.
Tyrone Tribulations 