A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin.
Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.
A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.
“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”
When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’.
15 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal.
“F**k away off”
Mary Grimley, Armagh City
“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”
Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge
“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”
Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen
“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”
D Marsden, Lurgan
“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“Hasn’t affected me at all.”
Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery
“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
Fr Vivian Sheeran, the controversial Cappagh priest who was thrown out of the Vatican last year for drinking 3 bottles of red wine and telling the Pope he was a ganch, has managed to irk the whole of Armagh by claiming God was comparing the Orchard County to forbidden fruit.
In a 2-hour long sermon in his home parish, Fr Sheeran maintained that God was hinting at Adam and Eve to stay away from Armagh, represented by a tree in the story, but when they did eat the apples they ventured into the county and were damned to hell for eternity.
Parishoner Henry Quinn (77) agreed with the priest’s interpretation:
“It seems plausible enough. My own grandfather mistakenly wandered into Blackwatertown and was beset with health problems thereafter. He died 2 years after that, ironically choking on an apple.”
According to listeners, Sheeran went on to claim that 2002, the year Armagh lifted the All Ireland, was a precursor to the apocalypse and mankind was only saved when God himself lifted the trophy the following year.
Meanwhile, next weekend Fr Sheeran will become the first priest in the world to marry a man to his pet dog, ‘Bubbles’, in a lavish ceremony outside the Rock.
County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy
Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight.
Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.
Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.
Pastor Genical added:
“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”
Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.
Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.
Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.
Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:
“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”
Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.
Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.
A First Year at a secondary school in Tyrone was turned away at the foyer of his new learning establishment after office staff confirmed his mother forget to take a picture of him outside his house before he left.
Leon O’Neill (11), who says he wants to be an MOT inspector when he grows up, had to return home for a quick selfie on his porch as his parents had headed back to bed.
Mid-Tyrone School secretary, Pauline Quinn, maintains the lad could have been anyone after they checked his mother’s Facebook page on arrival:
“Who in their right mind doesn’t post a picture of their child on their first day of the new academic year on Facebook with the hashtag #mybaby or #wheredoesthetimego, and then maybe compare it to the picture from last year? It was a serious lapse of responsible parenthood on Mrs O’Neill’s part and that’s why he was turned away. He could have been from Derry or Armagh or anything.”
Leon did return to school until 10am but missed the instructions from his first class to back his RE book, which will see him probably land in trouble on Monday.
Leon was also one of hundreds of traumatised pupils who caught their parents having a full-on party at home with nuts and wine after they were let out early.
Meanwhile, the school revealed they have already received 940 applications from pupils to attend an after-school electronics withdrawal therapy class.
As the legendary Sean Cavanagh brings the curtain down on his illustrious county career, we take a look at some of his lesser known greatest hits:
- SHOULDER CHARGE ON FRANCIE BELLEW
Back in 2005, Tyrone and Armagh were in the midst of healthy pure hatred. Armagh were our North Korea and Francie Bellew was Kim Jong-un. In the third and most crucial game that season between the two, Francie was running about hitting boys with his knee, elbows and stuff, like normal. Sean finally decided that enough was enough that day and met Francie with a shoulder which reverberated around the stadium and whose shockwaves incidentally wrecked part of the new Cusack Stand. Bellew’s bones were still rattling as he took his seat to watch the All-Ireland final a few weeks later. After Geezer was inexplicably shown the line by his manager, a rapturous cheer erupted through Croker as the big man leapt like a Torrent trout over Coalisland to field a kickout and stride the rest of the pitch to chip over a fine coffin-nail score.
2. SHIMMY SENDS DICK CLERKIN INTO A SPIN
Two years later and Tyrone were playing Monaghan in Clones. Dick Clerkin never liked Tyrone. Some say it was because a boy from Trillick wiped his eye with a girl from Clontribret at the Gaeltacht when they were 16. I dunno. But Sean knew Dick hated us as Dick would mutter stuff like ‘red handed hoors’ during the parade. So Sean pulled his Category A shimmy, usually reserved for special occasions, and sent Dick into a spin like never before. Dick continued to spin for the rest of the game and into the changing rooms and onto the bus. At the post match meal he was still spinning and completely messed up his shirt with a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Dick still hates Tyrone. The First Glorious Shimmy some say was taught to Cavanagh by an Edendork lad slipping on black ice getting on the bus at The Academy in Dungannon, before Seán’s Armagh days. Sean first displayed this “Geezer Teaser” in his debut in 2002. It’s said three different men from Crossmaglen were left (and still are to this day) – cross-eyed at the wondrous side step and following point. There’s talk that his shimmy is to be retired in the Croke Park Museum but must be looked at through sunglasses for fear of becoming another Dick or a pile of Dicks if looked at collectively.
3. TURNING DOWN L’OREAL CONTRACT
Whilst a lot of GAA players are lured away from these shores by the promise of a career in Aussie Rules, Sean Cavanagh stayed true to his county and refused repeated attempts by L’Oreal to be their face of L’Oreal Paris Shampoo and Conditioner. Sean’s hair has been much admired by the general public since he made his senior breakthrough in 2002. Despite the holy trinity ravages of Age, Clerkin and Bellew, the Moy man has managed to maintain his untainted barnet in perfect condition much the annoyance of the McCann brothers who have tried to mimic his magnificence unsuccessfully. L’Oreal finally stopped harassing Cavanagh in 2014 when he was caught buying a can of Just For Men in Killyman although he claimed it was for Philly Jordan.
Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom.
Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.
The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.
An insider warned us:
“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”
Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.
“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”
Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’
Vomiting and retching was heard as far away as Caledon as the Tyrone squad returned for early weekday training in Garvaghey after their chastening 6-point defeat to Armagh in the Ó Fiaich Cup final at the weekend.
The loss to their near neighbours, their first since 1982, caused shockwaves across the county with a reported increase in Mass attendance and rosary-saying since yesterday morning.
Additionally, manager Mickey Harte reportedly sent a group text out to all squad players stating that training has now been increased to 8 days a week to make sure the debacle in Crossmaglen never happens again.
A fringe squad player from Galbally told us:
“Mickey was in wile bad form after that bad bateing by Armagh. I’ve never seen him lose it like he did and he was was cursing and stuff. He toul McCurry he couldn’t kick a rope, never mind snow off it. He even fired a banana at Sean Cavanagh and he wasn’t even playing. Credit to Sean, he trapped it, soloed it and then ate it in one move.”
Despite initial confusion over the logistics of the new 8-day week, squad members have signed a contract committing themselves to the new regime with the extra day probably occurring some time between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Armagh’s Ó Fiaich Cup winning bus parade through Blackwatertown last night passed off peacefully despite concerns of a Moy contingent hijacking the celebratory event. Seven elderly Armagh supporters were hospitalised though with hyperthermia.
An anonymous Dungannon man has finally spoken about the secret support groups set up all over England to help exiled natives prepare for the trip home over the Christmas period. The document below, produced as evidence of the extensive networking system especially in north England, clearly sets out a seven-point plan which most will need to complete within the next few days in order to stave off THE FEAR, as it’s known across the water.
- REFAMILIARISATION OF LOCAL VERNACULAR
It is likely that some local words have now left your vocabulary during your time abroad. It even might also be a case of changing definitions. Two of the most common mistakes are misunderstanding the true meanings of ‘lethal’ and ‘deadly’. In England, these may be adjectives to describe something untoward and nasty. However, in Dungannon and suchlike, it couldn’t be a higher compliment. If someone says the burger you’re eating is ‘deadly’, don’t chuck it away for fear of catching something fatal. It’s probably delicious. The weather might also be deadly. That IS bad.
- FACIAL REACTIONS
If someone comes up to you and says that Joe Herron is now a vegan or a cross-dresser or going with someone from Armagh, look completely shocked even though you haven’t a clue who Joe Herron is, because you’ve been away a long time. Say something like ‘Holy God, but I’m not surprised, he was always a bit..you know…’. That should get you out of that hole.
- PALATE DESENSITISATION
It is likely you have been eating a wide range of food in England. You need to train your tastebuds again to like pepper sauce and garlic fries. A Coalisland epicurist who worked for ten years in Landi’s in the town will be secretly flying over to Manchester this weekend to give a crash course on this.
- HAND-SHAKING FITNESS REGIME
Many exiles have sleepless nights over forgetting how to do the handshake at Mass, therefore outting themselves as a lapsed churchgoer whilst in England. Follow this program to pull off a natural and supposedly experienced handshake. This is also useful for going to the pub with an elderly relative.
- SUBSCRIBE TO THE IRISH NEWS NOW
The death notices need to be read daily with a whole day given to browsing archive deaths since you’ve been away. This is crucial. Don’t be asking about dead people during Christmas dinner with The Pogues singing in the background. It’s a real mood killer and you’ll likely be on the plane home that evening. Also, memorise how the local club got on too. Pretend you keep an eye on their results.
- REMIND PEOPLE AT HOME THAT SCARCE TOYS ARE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN ENGLAND
Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. People will still believe England is an exotic land full of everything that we can’t get here and will want you to bring home kilos of presents, with a promise of ‘sorting you out’ financially when they see you. Turn off your phone at night. They will also expect you to bring home spices and stuff.
- DIG OUT YOUR CHARLIE PRIDE/NATHAN CARTER/GARTH BROOKS CD
You need to know the chorus of all songs likely to be sung around midnight in most drinking establishments. Friends In Low Places is a must.
An Ulster Council officer was said to be ‘comfortable’ this morning after he received serious burn damage to his hands and fingers seconds after drawing the tubes that sees Derry play Tyrone in next year’s Ulster Championship.
The draw, which was transmitted live on RTE2, also pitted Armagh against near neighbours Down to create two mouthwatering and lucrative fixtures for the Ulster Council. To his credit, the officer completed the draw process despite further damage to his hands when it emerged the Armagh and Down tubes were freezing cold.
An RTE studio manager attempted to explain the accident:
“It must have been the studio lights that made the Tyrone and Derry tubes heat up to 80 degrees celsius. Also, because of the length of time the draw took, the Armagh and Down tubes were like icicles by the time he got to them. That’s our explanation anyway. The Ulster man got a bit of a shock but he soldiered on through it, God help him.”
Meanwhile, neighbours confirmed that immediately after the draw was made Ronan O’Neill was spotted doing several dabs as he ran around his garden. Zachary Quinn from Gortin, a neighbour and friend, added:
“He was even doing dabs when he was getting into his motor this morning. He seems really pleased about something.”
Finally, RTE confirmed that Joe Brolly is to be given a specially-commissioned seat made of velcro to stop him sliding down off his seat in 2017.
By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has warned that jealous scoundrels and vagabonds from Armagh may be using the new Pokémon Go craze to cause mischief in Tyrone.
Pokémon Go is a game that uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémon “appear” around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is.
“I first heard of Pokémon 2 weeks ago” said Sean “when I returned to my car and found a man standing pointing his phone at it as if he was taking a photo. I thought he was a traffic warden so I lost my temper a little bit. After two passers-by picked him off the ground he explained to me that I had parked beside a PokéStop.
I did some research and started to get evidence that some people could be using the game as an excuse to get up to mischief. For example, a few days ago my next door neighbour was out sunning herself in her bikini only to find around 20 to 55 men pointing their iPhones at her. She started screaming for help but the only passer-by started to point his phone at her as well”.
Sean warns residents along the Tyrone border to be on their guard as he suspects that the Pokémon craze is leading to a large flux of Armagh people into Tyrone. McGrinny explained that there appears to be a sinister “trainer” somewhere between Tynan and Caledon.
“He helps people to get a Pokémon egg on their phone and after explaining that they need to walk about 10 miles for it to hatch he then lets them loose near the border with Tyrone and many of them accidentally wander across. It’s crazy”.
Sean suspects that the Armagh trainer is helping to incubate Tyrone hating Pokémon.
“I took my phone with me to Croke Park to check how many Pokémon were on the pitch. Some of the people around me were annoyed but I wasn’t deterred. Although they were wearing Donegal jerseys they sounded wild like Armagh people so I ignored their protests and just kept pointing my phone at the pitch. There were Pokémon everywhere.
Probably the worse incident involved the first yellow card issued to Sean Cavanagh. Most level headed people just know that Sean Cavanagh would never have started a quarrel with Lee Keegan but what only I know because my phone was directed at them at the time was that it was an Armagh trained BulbasaurPokémon that walked over to Lee Keegan and slapped him on the face. Lee Keegan didn’t appear to notice the Pokémon (probably because he didn’t have his mobile with him at the time) and assumed it was Sean who slapped him and pulled him to the ground. The rest is history”.
Sean concluded with some advice for Mickey Harte
“Whilst we must maintain our relentless efforts to defeat the bias of the southern media we must also recruit some Pokémon trainers who can defeat any Armagh mischief. If we build our own Pokémon army Mickey will probably win another 9 or 10 All Irelands”.
“A good quality free taker would be helpful as well” ended Sean.
In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.
In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.
NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:
“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”
1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.
“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”
The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.
In a remarkable similarity to the recent McDonald’s McMór controversy, County Armagh residents are considering a week-long protest after it emerged that the delicious Red Hand Hot Dog, which has been on sale in over 40 Tyrone fast food outlets since they beat Monaghan in the quarter final, will not have its licence extended outside of the confines of Tyrone’s borders.
The Red Hand Hot Dog has been labelled as the most succulent sausage in a bap ever tasted in Ireland, merging the finest pig meat from the county with fresh homemade baps, and has seen hordes of Armaghicans swarm over the Blackwater every night to feast on an estimated 800 hot dogs on a weekly basis.
Charlemont man and hot dog aficionado, Kevin McNicholl, fumed:
“This is partitionist, racist, xenophobic or something. Why are Tyrone people happy to take our money when we travel to their county to eat these delicious sausages but won’t allow us to serve it in our own county? Sure do you ever see us banning our apples from being consumed in Tyrone? They’re just being mean-spirited. So much for taking the bun out of politics.”
Moy chip shop owner Leo McPollin, the first person to make the food, admitted he had no interest in extending the selling rights to any outlet in Armagh:
“Armagh ones have no right to be looking the licence for the Red Hand Hot Dog. They’ll probably ruin it with apple sauce or something like that. And I refute the accusation that I’m racist. I’ve a dog reared in Maghery.”
A ‘We Exist Y’Know’ rally is to be held in Armagh City tomorrow from 2pm-4pm with protesters urged to come dressed as baps.
By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has contacted the papers to complain that several times in the last week he has noticed police cars doing way above the speed limit, even in built up areas.
“I’ve no idea what they’re up to but I’m sure it’s no good” Sean began.
“On Monday I was feeling totally scundered after the Kerry match so when one of their cars speeded past me I succumbed to an irrational urge to give chase only to find myself flagged down, pulled over, and questioned by the very same policemen that I was investigating.
Later that night I was explaining to my civilian friends in the pub that there’s absolutely no call for this reckless speeding when one of them suggested they could be heading to the scene of a crime in Armagh or Derry or somewhere like that.
I decided to subject this bizarre theory to a test and can now confirm categorically that there’s not a hate of truth in it for on Tuesday morning I made a hoax call reporting that a robbery was underway in Fintona.
I made the call when out walking on the Dublin Road in Omagh and guess what? I saw 2 police cars racing up the Dublin Road with their sirens blaring in the exact opposite direction to Fintona.
To add insult to injury a few hours later as I was sitting down to write up my notes on the episode two big hallions rapped on my door and started giving me jip about the phone call, insinuating that I was wasting police time.
My mind was still on Dublin and the class restaurants they have around Croke Park so I came up with a story that a cousin of mine in Fintona thought that a robbery was underway at the local Indian restaurant. I guessed that would get them off my back but didn’t they only phone their colleagues in Fintona and discovered I have no cousins there and nor is there an Indian restaurant”.
Sean’s wife says she’s baffled by the entire handlin and has suggested that if the constant police harassment doesn’t cease that her husband might look for a new career.
“Where will the people of Tyrone be then” she raged. “There’s no-one in Ireland who has done more research into aliens and ufos and stuff like that than my Sean. My message to the police is to grow up. But if you want Tyrone to be overrun by aliens then by all means continue what you’re doing”.
By Landan Seamy
Imagine the thrill of lying in bed on a windswept December night listening to the hair raising howls from the moors as the wolves hunt their next victim. If local conservationist Pat “the wild man” Devlin and his 11 friends have their way this is what the future could hold for parts of Tyrone.
Pat and his team say plans to bring wolves back to Caledon and Benburb are “at an advanced stage”.
“People claim that we have not thought this through”
“but we have watched all the Jurassic Park films and know how things could go wrong so to be on the safe side we have chosen 2 areas with sparse populations and with absolutely no players on the Tyrone county squad. Both places are practically in Armagh anyway so I don’t see what all the fuss is about”.
Pat is convinced that there’ll be no disaster anyway.
“Whilst the cynics just see problems I just see benefits for the local economy. Just think of the euros and dollars pouring in. If some of that money crosses the border to Armagh then good luck to them. People have asked me if I’ll be introducing lions and tigers next. That’s just pure ignorance. Those animals never lived in Ireland. The gist of my plan is to return, to their natural habitats, the animals dispossessed by Cromwell”.
Pat has met with some opposition from local farmers and mothers with young children.
“I can understand their concerns” he sympathises “but they’ll just have to get on with it”.
“People say he’s crazy” added Sean who like some of the other 11 is actually one of Pat’s sons.
“But when has a madman ever influenced 11 others. As my father keeps reminding us 12 is a respectable number. Jesus had 12 disciples; Jacob had 12 sons; Christmas has 12 days and the 12th is one of the biggest days in the northern calendar”.
“And on that last fact” interrupted Pat,
“if our fellow county men don’t stop moaning I’ll take the idea to Paisley’s country. It’d actually save us all a lot of time for once we rescue the wolves from the zoo we’d practically be in Antrim already”.
When pressed to state when exactly the wolves are to be “returned” Pat smiled and tapped his nose before saying “plans are an at an advanced stage but if I gave you an exact date the big noises in the zoo in Belfast would probably try and stop us“.
By Landan Seamy
A 46 year old aspiring secret agent from Seskinore has phoned the Ulster Herman to say he’s “almost definite” that the back door draw is a fix.
Sean McGrinny revealed always had his suspicions when the draw was on TV but then RTE and the GAA colluded to put it on the radio so no-one could see. The full phonecall transcript follows:
“Any old fool could be suspicious” mused Sean “when it was TV. The way they’d be pushing the balls around in a big glass barrel that was see through put doubts in everyone’s mind. But then the southerners thought they’d stifle the questions from the north by transferring the draw to the radio”.
“To my shame” confessed Sean, “I nearly forgot to be suspicious myself until last year when I happened to be in Dublin on the morning of the day when Tyrone drew Armagh. I can’t say why I was there being a spy and all but to cut a long story short I found myself in a pub in Donnybrook and there were some people there who looked wild like RTE people. I can’t recall exactly what they were saying cause I was quite pissed but I’ll never forget the big grin on their faces as they looked at me in my Tyrone shirt. It was obviously all a fix”.
“This year I took the liberty of asking people in and around Seskinore who they thought Tyrone would draw. At least 17 people predicted Meath. 18 if you count my mother in law. That was nearly half of the people I asked. Most of the others predicted Derry. Not a single person predicted Tipperary. What more proof do you want than that? The whole thing is a bloody fix”.
“Why is the draw on at 8.30 in the morning when most people are at work. RTE and the GAA thought they had the whole thing sewn up but they didn’t count on me. Being a spy I’m in control of my own agenda so I got up early on Monday morning and sat down to listen to the ‘draw’.”
“Their first cynical tactic to stop people listening was they delayed the news by talking for ages to someone in Athens about whether or not Greece will default on it’s debt. I mean is anyone in Ireland even remotely interested?”.
“When the draw started I turned the radio to full volume and couldn’t hear a single ball being shuffled during the entire affair. The only noise I could hear was someone making tea in the background. As Tyrone drew Meath someone in the RTE studios shouted “Jesus” in a cynical and shameless attempt to fool people into thinking it wasn’t fixed”.
Sean’s proud wife says that he comes from a long line of shrewd observers. His father was one of the first people in Tyrone to realise that men did not land on the moon. He was famous around Fintona and was once told to leave the pub at 2AM simply for insisting that there was something suspicious about JFK’s assassination. Sean’s grandfather was no cod either and had a theory that it was an emigrant from Tattysallagh who helped Shakespeare write 9 or 10 of his best plays.
A long-suffering Armagh wife as decided to strike while the iron is hot and highlight the ‘typical Tyronisms’ she’d had to put up with since marrying her Moy husband in 1995.
Conor Mackers (45) has been accused of cynically ironing and making dinner whilst indulging in verbals with his children before school every morning. Mrs Mackers also claimed her husband would throw himself to the ground when out walking and then blame her for pushing him.
Caroline Mackers explained:
“There’d be days he’s ironing my blouses and he’s deliberately and cynically burning tassels or sleeves. You’d see him smirking after. Then when he’s asking the children about school during breakfast he’s start sledging them about how crap they are at the writing or sums. He’s a modern Tyrone man to the core and not the man I thought I’d married back in ’95.”
Mrs Mackers revealed how he deliberately tripped himself queueing up for Communion and then blamed it on a man from Maghery who was three down from him.
“It’s getting worse. This morning he was pulling on his own shirt over his head and then started grappling with himself, ripping his own shirt off again and finally flung himself to the floor. If that wasn’t bad enough he began slagging himself. It’s very inconvenient when we’re in a rush.”
Conor Mackers has played down the allegations and asked the public not to be sucked in by the one-sided allegations, adding ‘it takes two to tango’.
Meanwhile the Moy’s ‘Sledging and Slagging Competition’ has received over 400 applications this year with reigning champion Ainsley Coney from Ardboe favourite to retain his title.
A Moy man, with suspected close connections to Armagh, has been spotted feeding young and old north Armagh residents who have crossed over into the Tyrone border foraging for breakfast and dinner.
Armagh folk, who appear to have struggled to adapt to buying and selling goods as well as general all-round basic human development, are still dependent on family members with excellent hunting skills to gather sustenance for the day – keeping alive a proud tradition dating right back to the Stone Age in the area.
Until recently, Armaghicans have restricted their plundering within their own county borders for over 6000 years. However, a growing population and cleverer wildlife have left them with no option but to look over the fence and to begin pilfering border areas such as the Moy and Eglish, angering the locals especially chicken and pig farmers.
Moy media man Colly McKill has denied leaving out scraps and whistling, before heading to bed:
“That’s just lies. I’m a whistler by nature. And if the bin men lifted the rubbish more often I wouldn’t have a bin overflowing with cakes and soda farls.”
When pressed, McKill admitted he has a romantic investment in County Armagh but was prepared to prove he wasn’t encouraging them to ravage South Tyrone for nourishment:
“OK, the wife is from across the border but I categorically deny feeding others. If you look outside you can see several man-traps primed to go off tonight in case they come raking around my land.”
Tyrone Charity Committee have organised an emergency meeting to discuss whether to aid their neighbours by setting free 8000 chickens, 5000 pigs and dropping hundreds of boxes of Tayto crisps in various points in the Orchard County.
An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.
Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.
“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”
Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.
‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”
McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.