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Tyrone Posthumously Named McKenna Cup Champions For 2018

mckenna-cupBy Aughohilly Schniffles

Just as we know the word posthumously in the title is probably used wrongly up there, we know Tyrone are officially the Dr McKenna Cup winners for 2018. 

 

Following an agonising defeat a few weeks back in the real final, a comfortable victory last night over the same outfit of Tír Chonnail men saw Mickey Harte’s charges storm the Donegal changing rooms, using the codewords ‘Operation McKenna’, and take back Harte was overheard was “rightfully ours”.

Choreographed to a tee, former team member Ryan McMenamin gave us a few words afterwards:

“It reminded me of the Battle of Omagh here against Dublin only it was far better.”

He continued:

“Its the sort of thing match commentators would use the words ‘marred’ ‘disgraceful’ and ‘ugly scenes’ to describe it, only it was the complete opposite! It was beautiful, graceful, eloquent, planned and executed to perfection and pure dort lak. It was Lee Brennan who found the cup in Michael Murphy’s bag but Ronan O’Neill probably shouldn’t have left that ‘present’ in one of the other player’s kit bag.”

Dennis Taylor who chose this Division 1 relegation crunch match to be his first Tyrone game in 32 and a half years, also had a few words for us as he sped off in the direction of Gortin:

“It was very special to behold alright. I feel honoured to be here on this memorable night. It looked like something you’d see in BBC library footage of Saddam Hussein’s army. Military perfection. They were so well trained, and it was executed with all the precision and speed of Ronnie O’Sullivan’s 147 that time he lost the chalk… now we know how well trained Mickey has them and what he has been doing behind closed doors, and to think about all these losers who cry about us not having any forwards… it’s just class like”

In an unprecedented move the GAA have changed the name on this year’s roll of honour, scribbling out Donegal’s name and replacing it with Tyron (sic) maybe because the whole operation reminded officials of something from Game of Thrones.

Mickey Harte reportedly had a tear in his eye and had to be held back on the bus by the kit-man whilst shouting, “where’s that Sidebottom bollocks!”

Roll on the next match. Well done lads

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Brokenshire Masters Tyrone/Derry Dialect After McKenna Appearance

_90387356_brokenshireThe Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados. 

Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.

His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:

“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”

Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.

Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another  after-effect from the McKenna final.

 

Tyrone Men Officially ‘Good For Nothing’ After County Convention Elections

useless-ploughFollowing the welcome news that Tyrone GAA will be spearheaded by the brilliant Roisin Jordan, the first female chairperson of a county board in Ireland since its inception in 1884, Tyrone men have been finally consigned to the dung-heap after years of narrowly avoiding the label of being ‘good for nothing’.

Government statistics revealed that in the early part of 2014: 93% of teachers in the county were women as well as 79% of politicians including the high profile and successful Michelle O’Neill and Michelle Gildernew. 81% of county businesses had female CEOs or figureheads, 73% of GPs were women, 69% of dentists and 85% of farmers also female.

Long-time Tyrone man Cathal Corr admitted living in the county was ‘a bit scary’ but added it was only a matter of time before women took the reins in almost every facet of everyday life:

“Let’s be honest. They’ve been smarter for years. We could only hold them back through skulduggery for so long. Now with fair play and all that stuff we’ve been exposed for what we really are – good for feck all. I’m trying the rack my brains here looking for an example of something we’re better at and there’s nothing. Yesterday I was driving through Augher and I saw a pregnant woman with three sheep on her shoulders whipping a cow whilst talking on the phone to the Credit Union. Her husband was sitting behind her in the mud eating a turnip.”

Rumours that Jordan’s first move will be to order Mickey Harte to play 2-3 women in the full back line for Tyrone in the McKenna Cup have been dismissed as pure speculation.

Meanwhile, Omagh Technical College have asked that men need not apply for any courses next year unless they can prove they can write neatly without passing wind or can desist from scratching themselves whilst looking out the window at the same time.

Tyrone Man Queued For 12 Hours In Fog For Postponed GAA Game

McGaharan on his way to the game

McGaharan on his way to the game

A Tyrone man has admitted he queued for 12 hours outside a GAA ground in Donegal in heavy fog in February this year, unaware that the game had been cancelled earlier in the day.

Tommy McGaharan, an 81-year old Sligo native but living in Tyrone for 60 years, was finally made aware of the postponement when a late-night reveller recognised him from standing in the same spot 5 hours earlier on his way to the pub.

McGaharan explained why he came forward now, four months after the debacle:

“I just don’t want this happening to anyone else. I eventually completely thawed out just a couple of weeks ago so I’m fit to talk about the ordeal now.”

The East Tyrone resident explained how he drove 120 miles through freezing fog for the McKenna Cup fixture, setting out at 5am and averaging 25-30mph in his Morris Minor before reaching Ballybofey a few minutes before throw-in at 2pm.

“My motor doesn’t have a radio so I wasn’t aware of the postponing. I did think it odd that I was the only one queuing up outside the turnstile but sure these McKenna Cup games can attract small crowds at that time of the year.”

McGaharan now recalls receiving strange looks from passers-by as he stared intently at the turnstile for it to open:

“After a few hours I did start to have doubts but just thought maybe I’d gotten the throw-in time wrong. It wasn’t until 2am in pitch dark and at temperatures of -9 that a young fellow staggered my direction and told me to catch myself on and that the game had been rescheduled for the following Wednesday.”

The unlucky McGaharan’s weekend was further ruined when he checked in to a bed and breakfast at 3am only to sleep in and miss the breakfast completely.

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