The major universities in Ireland have issued a joint statement, outlining their fears that the new ‘Ulster-Scots Language A-Level’ will see too many applicants in future years after every P3 child in the six counties achieved top marks in the new subject.

The new A-Level included the following question as an opener:

1. If you have a lock of spuds, do you have no spuds or many spuds? (40 marks)

Queen’s University Entrance officer Dr Hector Hero explained:

“I’d be a wee bit worried that every P3 has an A-Level already. One of the questions was – What does ‘aye’ mean: Dog, yes or pothole? I’m not sure if this A-Level is robust enough. I’m also worried about the Degree in Ulster Scots that the P5s are already doing.”

Another of the 40-markers was:

“If I’m a crabby wee baldy glipe, am I happy, grumpy or indifferent?”

The DUP’s willingness to embrace new traditions has taken a new positive curve in the road after Emma Little-Pengelly was seen necking pints of stout in Tessie’s in Clonoe with Michelle O’Neill on a Sunday night, finishing up with a heated row outside Paddy Burger’s Van at 3am over the Wolfe Tone’s best songs, whilst ordering a cheesy chip and a burger with brown sauce.

Pengelly, who was born up the road in Markethill, was described as being ‘full of the craic’ and pure mad into the Sunday Game which was showing on the small black and white TV in the pub at the crossroads in Clonoe.

Although O’Neill had initially invited Pengelly for an afternoon tea in Michelle’s homeplace, the DUP juggernaut suggested going for a pint before she headed back to the city. Six hours later, the Armagh woman had won five pool games, three darts matches and an arm wrestle against the principal of the local Irish-speaking primary school.

Locals refused to comment on the night, but one Tessie’s resident admitted:

“That blade one to watch. She knows her rebel songs alright.”

In other news, an otter was spotted in Derrytresk which resembled John the Baptist. There will be a vigil at the pitch tomorrow night.