Monthly Archives: September 2019

Riot In Coalisland Between Hail Mary Fans and Our Father Supporters

People pray during a vigil for the victims of a mass shooting in Las Vegas

Tensions high between praying couple

Following the news that the Hail Mary was voted Ireland’s favourite prayer at the National Ploughing Championships last week, the PSNI were reluctantly called to attend a 300-strong riot between lovers of the Hail Mary and Our Father fans after 11am Mass in Coalisland.

Tensions began to simmer after Hail Mary supporters rolled their eyes and coughed the whole way though the Our Father before the Eucharist was dished out. Additionally, whilst lining up to receive the Host, pushing and shoving occurred at three different parts of the aisle with one elderly woman told to ‘hurry the f**k up’ by a man with rosary beads.

Parish Priest Fr Waterworth admitted he was surprised at the level of violence outside the church which spilled over into the Main Street:

“To be honest I think it’s great. I didn’t know the people of Coalisland cared that much. I’m a bit of a Hail Holy Queen man myself so I don’t really care.”

Community groups in the area are currently devising ways to settling the issue with an over-60s bare-knuckle boxing gala the current favourite idea mooted by the panel.

The Pope has refused to comment.

Stewartstown Women’s Rights Activist Group Admit Stealing Manholes

847372-manhole-1ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness. 

Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.

“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”

ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.

Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.

 

Housewives Despondent After Brolly Axe

FRS-500-x-500-Headshots-Batch-3-12

50 Shades of Brolly

Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game. 

Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.

A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:

This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”

RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.

Cost Of Sausage Rolls At Garvaghey May Be Behind Donnelly And O’Neill Departures

thAlthough both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.

Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.

Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.

Our source added:

“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”

Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.

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