Monthly Archives: December 2015

Tyrone Abstract Artist Tipped To Win Big Awards In 2016

An Omagh artist, whose style has been described a ‘surreal or abstract or something like that’ by a local secondary school art teacher, has been tipped by family and friends to bring major honours to the county next year after he released a taster of some of his current work.

Titled ‘Major Moments In Tyrone’s Recent History’, Paul Montague painted Dennis Taylor’s 1985 World Snooker Championship win, Kevin McCabe’s penalty point in 1986 and Tom McDermott’s famous red shorts scene in Big Brother in 2000.

Local art teacher and hippy Miss Kelly Donnelly gave a detailed commentary on each picture:

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Here, you can see the nervous smile from the Coalisland potter as he maybe is unsure of the overall score as he’s possibly not good at adding up. He’s holding the cue above his head to try and influence the judges. The small table symbolises how he dominated the sport at that time. Taylor is also floating on air and that is self-explanatory. The spelling of Dennis’ surname represents something too.

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Here, you can see the blue sky symbolising Tyrone’s high hopes that day. You can also witness the Kerry goalkeeper doing some kind of war dance, maybe an indication of the tribal lifestyle in Kerry in the 1980s. Finally, you can see that McCabe has one leg a bit longer than the other, reflecting the power he put into the shot, making it sky over the bar, and we can see that he wasn’t happy. The absence of his moustache is a surprise, maybe showing how Tyrone were playing as a team, not as individuals.

tom

This form of erotic art is self-explanatory. Tom’s facial expression reflects his state of ecstasy. Not much more to be said about that, to be honest. His Greencastle tan is unerringly accurate.

Framed copies of Montague’s artistry can be purchased for £49.99.

Coalisland Man Angered At Northern Ireland Soccer Scarf Christmas Present From Wife

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Seen on Gumtree today from Coalisland address

A Coalisland stove-fitter is said to be still in an agitated state after he received a Northern Ireland soccer scarf from his long-standing wife, with the Derry-native maintaining it was an innocent error.

Terence McNeill, who has a season ticket at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin and was mascot for the Republic of Ireland v Malta in 1988, had to leave his watering establishment last night well before throwing out time due to relentless slagging and continuous playing of ‘God Save The Queen’ by the pub’s resident DJ.

Still seething, the multi-lingual handyman fumed:

“How did you think I’d react? She even got it signed by the NI squad and it also had a personal message from Kyle Lafferty. Imagine how a Moygashel True Blues Flute Band member would react if he woke up to a Carrickmore GAA jersey as his main present. He’d be as ripping as I am.”

Close friend and drinking partner Noel Devlin admitted it was the best Christmas night ever in O’Neill’s pub in the town:

“When word got out that Mrs McNeill had made the fatal error, we decorated the pub with pictures of Billy Bingham and kept chanting ‘Stand Up For The Ulster Men’ every time he stood up to go to the bar or toilet. We’d like to thank Mrs McNeill for a wonderful Christmas.”

Meanwhile, local photographer Olly Kerr has issued an appeal for unwanted boxer shorts as he didn’t get the amount he’d expected and had thrown hundreds of old ones out last week in preparation for a new batch.

Police Called To Tyrone GAA Senior Squad Secret Santa Get Together

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McCann not impressed with quality

Tyrone County spokesperson Mary Fitzgerald admitted ‘we’ll not be doing that again‘ after the senior squad’s Secret Santa ended in bitter acrimony and fist-fighting.

The new county bonding initiative, which sees a player secretly pick a team mate’s name out of a hat at the end of November and then anonymously buy a present for them, is a staple festive gesture in offices and businesses across the planet.

Fitzgerald explained how the event began in bad taste at the county’s centre of excellence in Garvaghey:

“First out of the hat has Tiernan McCann’s present. Someone had bought him a pair of hair straighteners and a mirror. McCann never smiled once when on stage to collect his and even muttered something about them being ‘them oul shite Boots ones anyway‘ under his breath. I could see Colm Cavanagh a bit more red-faced than usual in the crowd.”

Apparently, the worst reaction was Mark Bradley who received a ladder and a note which said ‘that is for when you’re washing the skirting boards‘.

“Bradley went clean mad when he saw Ronan O’Neill smirking and went over to him and battered the head off him with the ladder. Then when Sean Cavanagh got his present, a scuba-diving outfit, the place erupted with players loyal to the captain slapping away at some of the new-comers to the squad who were chief suspects.”

The Secret Santa session was then immediately halted after Mickey Harte received his present, a Nazi soldier fancy dress outfit. Fingers were pointed at some of the Ardboe players not in the squad any more, who had somehow managed to sneak the present into the bag via a current player’s cooperation.

Meanwhile, in some good news the initiative raised £300 for charity. This year’s chosen charity is The Midges Conservation Trust.

Rumours Rife Of Bad Boys From Carrickmore On Santa List

Tyrone Tribulations

the-power-of-santas-naughty-list-a-poem-by-pookyRumours sweeping the county this morning suggest that Santa Claus is contemplating bypassing Carrickmore completely after a disgruntled elf leaked the bad list on his ElfLeak website.

If true, this is not the first time a Tyrone village has been affected by questionable behaviour. In 1964 Pomeroy was completely ignored by the Clauses after a wrecking session in the AOH Hall outside the Diamond when the Plunketts won the Junior Championship.

The disgruntled Elf, ‘Charlie’, leaked the list after he was told he wouldn’t be on the sleigh again on Christmas Eve – the 32nd consecutive year he’d have to sit it out. 39 names from Ireland were on the supposed naughty list; 31 from Carrickmore, 6 from Dublin and 2 from Keady. Charlie was clear as to why Carrickmore were badly hit:

“After they went out of the championship to Omagh early on we expected a small bit of messing but they…

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Coalisland’s Controversial Waste Digestion Plant To Be Fed Joe Brolly Articles

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A ‘Brollyed’ field

Despite fears from local residents,the plant which will see slurry and silage used to generate electricity near Coalisland will be kick-started by over 300 tonnes of articles penned by Joe Brolly as well as transcriptions from his TV appearances before enough slurry can be collected.

The proposal will see a 500KW digester that will take 10,950 tonnes of silage and 1,450 tonnes of slurry a year. Local scientist Paddy Quinn maintains Joe’s words will have a similar effect as that produced by animal waste:

“We tested over 300 products but the one which shone brightest was Joe Brolly’s thoughts, even more so than Donald Trump’s, Katie Hopkins’ or David Cameron’s. It’s quite remarkable and another string to this incredible fellow’s bow. A 3-minute transcript of a Brolly speech produces the same electricity as 40 tonnes of slurry.”

The development at Ballynakelly will generate enough electricity to power 500 homes and help Northern Ireland meet its renewable energy targets.

The Concerned Residents Committee have urged local politicians to oppose the idea, especially now that the waft of the Dungiven man’s words will fill the air for the first few weeks. In a statement they added:

“The slurry and the silage is bad enough but Brolly’s thoughts are something we’re not prepared to digest, in more ways than one.”

Local farmers have long-admired the fertilising qualities of Brolly’s newspaper articles.

Meanwhile, the PSNI crime prevention team have reminded locals that the new source of electricity should not be used for generators powering outhouses for illegal poitin-making operations or the like.

Strabane Man Claims He Got A Bit Of Colour During Recent Mild Spell

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Christmas In Tyrone?

With record December temperatures showing no sign of abating, Strabane Council have revealed plans to put on a free ‘Turkey on the Barbie in Strabane’ on Christmas Day, placing the West Tyrone town on a par with Bondi Beach and Kenya during the festive period.

In a further development, Strabane linguist Jonathan Hinney maintains he is a shade darker than he was a week ago, attributing the sudden tanning to the warmer climes experienced in the province during the last few weeks.

Hinney explained:

“There has definitely been a change in my appearance since last week. I’ve been doing a lot of outside loitering and gaunching about recently and I think the exposure has had an effect, making me the first Irishman to get a tan in Ireland, naturally, in winter since records began in Castlederg in 1855. Strabane is currently a mild outdoor sunbed.”

In a loosely related incident, Hinney’s shower has been banjaxed during the same period, casting serious doubts on his tanning claims.

Meanwhile, the Strabane open-air Christmas Day turkey barbecue has already sold 38 tickets, despite claims from locals that the council got a bit too excited the day the temperature hit 15 degrees Celsius.

Lord Mayor Linda Shelley has pleaded with locals to trust their judgement:

“We have it on good authority from Frank Mitchell that it’ll be in the mid-20s on Christmas Day. I urge Strabanonians to ditch their jumpers and coats and don their finest swimwear and put the Aussies to shame. Global warming is not all bad, is it.”

Hugo Duncan has yet to confirm rumours that he’ll be lighting the barbecue wearing only a pair of tight red trunks.

Tyrone Apprentice Show Dropped Over Controversial Middle Finger ‘You’re Fired’ Gesture

You're Fired, Lad.

You’re Fired, Lad.

Despite filming 10 episodes over a period of three months, a BBC NI spokesman confirmed that they’ll not be airing the ‘Tyrone Apprentice’ series over concerns regarding their twist on the iconic ‘You’re Fired’ hand gesture.

Desperate not to simply mimic the successful Alan Sugar version which sees the millionaire point at the unlucky contested each week, the Tyrone Apprentice, filmed in an unused boiler room in Powerscreen, sees local millionaire Giuseppe Morgan fire a potential business partner every episode by raising his middle finger and shouting ‘You’re Fired, Lad’.

BBC NI reality TV spokesman John Corr admitted they were always troubled over the use of the offensive gesture:

“People today are still a bit PC up this part of the world. The middle finger on NI TV is maybe ahead of its time but we can’t afford to take the chance. We thought about using a tranquillizer dart or pellet gun but that brings up all matter of hurdles we’d have to jump, from appeasing the decommissioning crowd to medical cover. We’ve decide to scrap the show and show a rerun of Grimes and McKee Tractor Tour Show.”

Corr added that a couple of apprentice candidates reacted badly to the firing middle-finger gesture and clambered over the table to take swipes at Morgan, although simultaneously admitting it was excellent TV.

The middle finger has a long and illustrious history, dating back to Ancient times when the Greeks used it as a sign of intimidation. In the Red Hand county it is often observed as a term of affection, with many motorists and GAA umpires using it.

For the record, an aspiring business man from Pomeroy won the outright final after his business plan of a gay strip bar in Plumbridge earned Giuseppe Morgan’s financial affections.

33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic

Tyrone Tribulations

Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians

Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.

Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:

“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner…

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Drain Expert Says There’s Nothing Wrong With Harte’s Drains

istock_000007218425small.jpgDrainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.

Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:

“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”

Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:

“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”

Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on noelthedraindonnelly@draindrain.com

‘Left Immersion On’ Comment Inspires Quick McGregor Win

Immersion

Aldo’s downfall

Following Conor McGregor’s 13-second demolition of Jose Aldo for the UFC Featherweight title in Las Vegas, a Pomeroy-born trainer from McGregor’s back-room entourage revealed his last words to his new champion inspired the speedy knock-out.

McGregor, who is notorious for saving energy around the house, was said to be ‘infuriated’ after John Kavanagh shouted ‘you left the immersion on, Conor’ just before both fighters were called to touch gloves.

Kavanagh, the 1986 Pomeroy Sports Day Boxing Runner-Up, admitted he had the comment in mind all week:

“I’ve lived with Conor so I know how mad he gets if you leave the light on in the toilet or boil the kettle twice. I’d planned the immersion situation all week and managed to slip it in just before he was called in by the ref. He turned to me and said ‘for fcuk sake…’ before being made to listen to the ref’s instructions. I’ve no doubt he finished it early because of that.”

Ringside spectators confirmed that McGregor made hand gestures to family members in the crowd to turn off the immersion, whilst he sat on top of the ropes in victory.

An immersion heater in America can cost up to 3 dollars an hour. With McGregor over two hours from his house, by the time he got showered and put his own clothes back on, he could have been over $20 out of pocket before opening his front door.

Kavanagh admitted he already has something up his sleeve for McGregor’s next fight. A close friend of the trainer maintains he will tell Conor that someone was eating in his good front room.

Reports confirmed that the immersion wasn’t left on at all.

Mid-Tyrone DUP Politician Warns Next Storm Might Be Gay

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DUP Cartoonist’s impression of gay storm

Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.

McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.

The retired preacher added:

“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”

Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.

“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”

Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.

Nigerian Windfall Delights Brackaville Boiler Servicer

money falling in the sky and green grass background

WIndfall in Brackaville

The unfortunate death of a mysterious Nigerian government official has created a multi-millionaire in Brackaville today, with an unemployed boiler servicer currently £45m richer than he was before he opened the email.

Patsy Nugent, who just happened to see the vital email whilst checking for on-line pictures of a new oil-fired boiler out in Russia, admits he never knew he had a relative in Nigeria or even outside of Tyrone.

“I couldn’t believe it. Some Nigerian businessman called Mr Savevi was killed on safari and in his will he left all his fortune to me as I was his last living relative. His secretary Miss Kuko says I’m to travel to Dublin, pay some man £6000 for storing all the money, and then they’ll hand over the £45m. It’s just too good to be true but I’m a lucky sort of boy.”

Patsy is to book Brackaville Hall this Saturday night to throw a party for the locals, a gesture which has not gone down well with everyone:

“You’d think he’s put on a free bar after his Nigerian windfall. And he has booked More Power To Your Elbow…like he could have gotten Elton John or Mick Jagger for that money. It has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway. The sooner he pisses off to his mates in Nigeria the better.”

neighbour and former close friend Gerry McGroarty told us.

The Edendork Pipe Band are to see off Mr Nugent as he sets out for Dublin, flanking his slow-moving car whilst playing ‘Faith of our Fathers’ and ‘Money, Money, Money’.

Mr Nugent claims he will pay the 6000 in Euros, saving him even more money.

 

Teachers’ Christmas “Shopping Day” Off School Done Online, In Their Pyjamas

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Mrs Morgan, shopping

Education authorities have asked schools to rethink their policy of offering teachers a ‘shopping day’ off school in December after it emerged that only 1% of staff in a mid-Ulster school actually visited a real shop, opting for the virtual equivalent on their school iPads in bed. 

The shopping day, which excuses members of staff from normal teaching duties for a full day, has been in operation in many schools since the 1980s. However, with the dawn of Internet shopping, the idea is perceived by the general public as being archaic and pointless with many teachers combining their job with Christmas shopping anyway on a daily basis.

One teacher, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed:

“Sure half the staff do their Christmas shopping in the classrooms anyway by just telling the pupils to read on another chapter whilst tilting their screens for privacy. There are 55 teachers in my school and I only know of one who actually went to a shop, and that was to get bread and milk. It’s a farce.”

Cookstown butcher Harry Stales fumed:

“Bloody teachers. They’re not content with getting home at 4pm every day, 2 months off in the summer as well as a fortnight here and there. Now they’re allowed to get off to visit Argos. It’s a disgrace and enough to stop me paying my taxes for those wasters. Not one of them could dig a hole.”

The Northern Ireland Education Authority maintain they know nothing about a ‘shopping day’ rule and have advised schools to cease the practice if it actually does exist.

Moy To Be Totally Run On Human Waste By 2020

kenya_human_waste_bioreactor_2The Moy, which is set to become the first area in the new Mid Ulster Council district to have access to natural gas as a fuel source early next year, have revealed plans to be completely self-sufficient on human waste within 5 years.

If deadlines are met, The Moy will join Fjikillippo in Iceland as the only hamlets on the planet run on excrement and wind, which economists reckon will bring millions of pounds to the area in tourism.

Moy Mayor Paul Montague is confident that the current projections are accurate:

“I am 100% committed to the 2020 project and I’m completely convinced we’ll have a fossil fuel free village before long. There’ll be no electricity poles or pylons as far as the eye can see or as far as Benburb even. We’ll link everything up to a big dungeon-type cage in the ground where people can dump their waste into or even do the business there and then over it. We’ll be using loads of Christmas tree car fresheners all over the place to disguise the smell.”

Neighbouring Eglish have reacted to the news with cynicism. Former Eglish GAA captain Mattie McGreenan growled:

“On one hand they’ve always been full of shite up in The Moy so they should have plenty of fuel for a century. But this is taking the piss. There’s no way them Moy ones will have the stomach for ferrying their excrement from their homes to that pit-type thing they’re storing it in. And how on earth are they going to transport their flatulence to the pit? It’s a farce.”

To the final question, Mayor Montague admitted their transporting of human wind has yet to be successfully solved but suggested it might simply be a case of using air-tight jam jars.

Derrytresk Folk Starting To Develop Scaly Complexion After Latest Deluge Of Rain

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Derrytresk man in 10 years?

An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.

The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.

Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.

“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”

Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:

“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”

Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.

 

 

British Military Leaders Attempted To Recruit Carrickmore Accents During WWII

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Carrickmore man gives inspiration talk to pensioners

Tensions are high in Carrickmore this morning after it emerged that British MPs will decide later today whether or not to bomb Syria, hinting at another recruitment drive in the greater Carrickmore area. 

This news follows on from confirmation that British Military Officers attempted an extensive trawl of Carrickmore in 1939 as it was believed that the their accent was the most efficient tool available at that time in forcing the submission of war-time enemies.

Papers leaked to media outlets across the country indicate that over 300 Carrickmore men were prepositioned to by high ranked British War Officers with offers of unlimited jam, potatoes, corned beef, poitin and red diesel.

Explaining the effectiveness of the Carrickmore accent, Commander Johnny Bull in 1939 commented:

“Tests show that a Carrickmore man can mentally and physically disarm an opponent from within hearing a 100 metre range, whilst droning on about the weather, the price of cabbages or the wides that were hit during the local club’s last GAA game. The Carrickmore accent is effectively an environmental-friendly nuclear bomb.”

It is believed that only three Carrickmore men took up the offer, with all three receiving the Victoria Cross for forcing the surrender of 600 German soldiers outside Paris after they discussed, through strategically placed loud-speakers, a new road which was being built at the time to go to Pomeroy.

Local historian Denver Donnelly sounded a warning to youngsters in the village:

Don’t be surprised to see men in suits with English accents talking to anyone between the ages of 16-21 in the area now that the focus is on taking on ISIS and bombing Syria. My sources tell me that if the Carrickmore accent enters the battlefield, ISIS will reconsider their interpretation of the Day of Judgment

Meanwhile, the Carrickmore Residents’ Committee have reminded people that there is a lottery rollover this week for £40’000. Last week’s numbers were 1, 55, 77 and 122. Betty Gormley won £5 for getting 3 numbers last week.

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