Tensions are high in Carrickmore this morning after it emerged that British MPs will decide later today whether or not to bomb Syria, hinting at another recruitment drive in the greater Carrickmore area.
This news follows on from confirmation that British Military Officers attempted an extensive trawl of Carrickmore in 1939 as it was believed that the their accent was the most efficient tool available at that time in forcing the submission of war-time enemies.
Papers leaked to media outlets across the country indicate that over 300 Carrickmore men were prepositioned to by high ranked British War Officers with offers of unlimited jam, potatoes, corned beef, poitin and red diesel.
Explaining the effectiveness of the Carrickmore accent, Commander Johnny Bull in 1939 commented:
“Tests show that a Carrickmore man can mentally and physically disarm an opponent from within hearing a 100 metre range, whilst droning on about the weather, the price of cabbages or the wides that were hit during the local club’s last GAA game. The Carrickmore accent is effectively an environmental-friendly nuclear bomb.”
It is believed that only three Carrickmore men took up the offer, with all three receiving the Victoria Cross for forcing the surrender of 600 German soldiers outside Paris after they discussed, through strategically placed loud-speakers, a new road which was being built at the time to go to Pomeroy.
Local historian Denver Donnelly sounded a warning to youngsters in the village:
Don’t be surprised to see men in suits with English accents talking to anyone between the ages of 16-21 in the area now that the focus is on taking on ISIS and bombing Syria. My sources tell me that if the Carrickmore accent enters the battlefield, ISIS will reconsider their interpretation of the Day of Judgment
Meanwhile, the Carrickmore Residents’ Committee have reminded people that there is a lottery rollover this week for £40’000. Last week’s numbers were 1, 55, 77 and 122. Betty Gormley won £5 for getting 3 numbers last week.
A 3-mile long queue in Newtownstewart turned out to be pointless, after a 5-hour wait for whatever it was they were meant to be queuing for ended quietly at 3pm this evening. 23 people were treated for sunstroke whilst another two were hospitalised over a row about the Fermanagh fracking situation.
The queue began after two boys (Tom Chapman and Barry Keating) stopped for a chat outside the pharmacy to discuss the previous night’s episode of Emerdale. Within 20 mins, a queue the whole way down the whole of the Main Street had formed as people mistakenly waited patiently on what the people in from were waiting for. Jackie McConnell, who was about 150th in the queue, explained:
“Aye, it was a bit of a waste of time. It’s very hard to resist a queue though isn’t it. You’re awful afeard of someone getting something you might like and them boasting about it in the pub. I’ve had nothing to eat since last night and only headed out to get a loaf of bread for the family. Jaysus, they’ll be starving too. That was five hours ago”.
Chapman and Keating filled the five hours debating Syria, Guantanamo, the price of steak, the GAA, Mick Jagger, Mrs Kelly’s skirt last week, magic, leaking valves, Korea, the weather, existentialism, itchy arses and the Eurovision amongst other things, before saying their goodbyes.
The PSNI refused to comment after it was revealed four of their officers were also in the queue, and getting paid for it. Of the 2612 in the queue, 909 were teachers. 2490 were men. Stewards also appeared from nowhere to direct the queue.