Monthly Archives: November 2019

Jokes On Apprentices To Be Punished With Fines Says Employment Watchdog

3e167faf-f0b4-43c0-b2bd-2ceeebb06123_x365Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.

In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:

 

 

 

  • Get a bucket of steam
  • Get tartan paint
  • Get a skirting board ladder
  • Get a long stand or long weight
  • Get ice making solutions
  • Get a bag of sparks for the welder
  • Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
  • Get a glass hammer
  • Get a left handed screwdriver
  • Get a bubble for a spirit level
  • Get a sky hook
  • Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
  • Get new beeps for the security gates
  • Get a short circuit
  • Get some earth faults
  • Get a cordless extension
  • Get some virtual memory
  • Get a leg of liver
  • Get some elbow grease
  • Get some cheap brazen tarts
  • Get a saddle for a disc jockey
  • Get some legs of salmon
  • Get some compressed air
  • Buy some IP addresses
  • Get a lb of turkey lips
  • Get a bucket of daylight

Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.

 

Tattyreagh Dog Mistakenly Reverses And Does Donuts In Owner’s Car For Three Hours

maxresdefaultA Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed. 

9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.

Patsy McGoldrick added:

“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”

It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself. 

Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.

PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.

 

Primary School Girl Suspended For Throwing Cow Dung At Classmate After He Asked Her To Marry Him

cowAn 8-year old Moortown school girl has been controversially suspended from school for three days after she lifted cow dung from a neighbouring field and flung it at a besotted classmate during lunch time.

The P5 lad, who had asked the girl to marry him during an underwhelming maths lesson earlier in the day, had to take the following day off school due to some of the stuff still being stuck in his ear.

His mother, the 1988 Moortown Levi Jeans Rear of the Year champion Marie Quinn, maintains the girl acted a bit aggressively to her son’s innocent enough request:

“Put it like this: She didn’t learn about throwing dung from the back a of crisp packet so she didn’t. My young lad is humiliated and heartbroken all at the same time. He just thought she was maybe a good catch in 20 year’s time as her family have a rake of houses with good road frontage.”

Although the school have refused to comment on the actual incident, they did issue a statement condemning the practice of throwing dung and confirmed there have been no cases of this at the school withing the last 24 months.

In other news, eels have been seen swimming on their backs up near Toome. Scientists have asked people not to worry and that it’s probably just a few ones larking about.

Tyrone Council To Start Charging Farmers For Rain

no-rain-tax-logoIn a controversial move, the Tyrone Council are to start charging farmers for rain tax from January 1st 2020, irrespective of what they are farming.

Due to budgetary concerns, the county’s officials have attempted to stem the financial tide by charging farmers for any form of precipitation including drizzle and soft hail.

Any farmers resisting payment of the rain tax will be subjected to the full force of the law according to the council’s meteorological minister Pat Spaniel:

Why should these farmers be allowed to sit back and rub their hands when it rains? All they’re thinking about is the size of their tomatoes or strawberries whilst the rest of us run for cover or get our death from the wet. And this is a warning – we’re looking at a sun tax for the hay farmers.”

How the tax will be charged has yet to be confirmed though it is believed that farmers will be charged £50 for every half hour that it rains.

Meanwhile, the Christmas Lights will be turned on in Galbally this weekend. Guest of honour will be one of the Kardashians who are well known for their love of the Galballian culture and people. Kanye West has confirmed he’ll do the bingo in the hall on the same night and will sing if asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drawn Tyrone Club Games To Be Settled With Irish Dance-Off In 2020

imagesPlayers up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side. 

After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.

PRO Danny McRichard explained:

“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”

The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.

Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.

Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.

Cookstown Man Brutally Slapped For Whistling ‘Last Christmas’ In Spar

812Rp0PxDeL._SX466_A Cookstown joiner admitted he just forgot himself after he got the lining kicked out of him beside the bread section in the Spar in Cookstown for whistling the Wham! classic ‘Last Christmas’ despite it being early November. 

Patsy Sheehy, a 45 year old father of 3 and a turtle, maintains he isn’t really a Christmas person and didn’t know why the song came into his head, possibly because he heard another Wham! number on U105 earlier that day.

“All I can remember is whistling and then I was being hit viciously around the bake with a baguette. And it wasn’t a soft freshly baked one. It was one of them hard ones.”

Sheehy admitted he may have been whistling Last Christmas as it was ‘a great ditty’ and he liked George Michael’s vocal range.

A PSNI official confirmed they had arrested a 92-year-old woman from the town who had a previous conviction for burning a Christmas tree which was unveiled in the town in November 1984.

In other news, the road between Donaghmore and Cookstown has been closed due to a loose cat which has been terrorising motorists.

DUP And UUP Merge In South Tyrone To Form DUUUUUPED Electoral Team

Publication22The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’. 

Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:

“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”

The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.

Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.

Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.

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