Category Archives: tyrone
Parents To Sue BBC NI Weather Team If Children Stay Off Another Day
A group of Tyrone parents has already started proceedings against Barra Best, Angie Phillips, Cecilia Daly, and Geoff Maskell after their children were kept off school for another day today due to freezing conditions on Tuesday night which left conditions too tricky for travelling to school.
The group, named PANDAS (Parents Are Not Doing Another Snowday), was advised by local legal eagles that they cannot sue God because he was too hard to pin down. Instead, they have gone for the nearest thing, the BBC weather team, and are confident of getting a few pounds out of the venture.
PANDA spokesperson Harry Harvey explained:
“Ye see the likes of Best and Daly on the TV smiling and joking about days off school because of the snow. They think they’re infallible with all that power. Well, they’ll get their wings clipped in the next week or so. Snow is for holidays, not for the middle of January. These people are pure power-hungry tyrants.”
Angie Phillips refused to comment on the case when confronted outside her house by our reporter and continued to make another snowman, her 5th in 48 hours, whilst giggling.
SF leaders McDonald & O’Neill At Odds Over Importance Of Soda Bread in United Ireland
A Sinn Fein insider has confirmed that Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill are refusing to see eye-to-eye over the role of soda bread in a united Ireland, with O’Neill adamant that history will not judge McDonald kindly if she doesn’t encourage more soda bread consumption as a staple ingredient of the morning fry.
In a survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine, over 80% of breakfast eaters in the 26 counties do not consider soda bread as a breakfast item or delicacy of any kind, citing that it reminded them of the culchies who came down to watch Garth Brooks in Croke Park, reeking of soda bread.
In a further development, McDonald and O’Neill had a minor scuffle over potato bread which McDonald won by getting O’Neill in a headlock and confirming that potato bread is a non-starter, as well as beef sausages.
The SF insider added:
“I can’t see O’Neill budging over the soda bread. She has 250’000 first preference voters who are mad about the soda bread and she stands to lose a lot if she doesn’t demand its inclusion. McDonald really should give it a go. I understand about the potato bread though. It’s hit and miss and McDonald was right to wrestle over that one.”
Although beef sausages are eaten in some parts of Ireland including Wicklow, Clare and Mayo, it is not consumed at the same rate as in the six counties, with 96% of the population eating up to four beef sausages a day.
DUP MLAs Addicted To Loose Women & Daytime TV, Claim GPs
GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.
Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.
“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”
In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:
“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”
The weather will pick up this weekend.
First Shots Fired As Armagh Stop Supply Of Apples To Tyrone
In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.
Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.
Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.
Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:
“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”
Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.
Fermanagh Fans To Turn Brewster Park Into Bloodthirsty Coliseum For Tyrone Match
As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.
The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.
FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:
“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”
Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.
Leaked Paper Confirms GAA Have Offered Weekend In Bundoran For Ref Giving Most Red Cards In 2022
A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.
At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.
The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.
David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:
“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”
Nominees Selected For Mid-Ulster Ingenuity Awards
The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily. We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.
Begley’s Red Stars
Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40
Magnet for Electric Cars
JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.
Fake Covid Passports
Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.
MOT Tyre Fail Solvers
Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.
Ready-made placards for referee abuse
Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.
The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.
GAA May Use Data To Predict All Ireland Winners
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects the GAA is planning to follow the example of the exam boards and use data to predict the winner of this year’s All Ireland.
Sean says he found some spreadsheets on his wife’s laptop with loads of data that is almost definitely going to be used to predict things.
“I’ve studied them” he told us, “and things were looking good for Tyrone in the first draft. Not only were they predicted to be in the top two, but it was even looking like Sam would head north again. Then a second version added a disciplinary column which showed that Tyrone was predicted to have at least 17 black cards and that damaged us a bit”.
Nevertheless, this version still suggested Tyrone would meet Kerry in the semi-final again and considering Tyrone beat Dublin earlier in the year, whilst Kerry only managed a draw, it looked like Tyrone was going through.
However, a third version of the spreadsheet added an additional referee column which predicted that Maurice Deegan would referee the semi-final and that added a few points to the Kerry score. So the spreadsheet shows Kerry and Dublin in the final and the only thing to be decided is whether or not David Gough will get to referee it.
Asked whether something similar was going to happen to the hurling championship, Sean’s wife Kate who hates hurling, and who asked to remain anonymous, butted in to say it’s unlikely. “Hurling” she mused “is just all about whacking a ball as hard as you can and then giving the other team a go. There are no tactics so you just might as well just toss a coin”.
As a spy, Sean usually likes to remain tight-lipped but on this occasion he has opted to come out, to warn managers across the country to get together and agree to play behind closed doors if need be. “We cannot allow this coronavirus to be used as an excuse to kill gaelic football” he insisted. “Hear hear” said his wife.
However, not everyone is happy with the prospect of playing this year. Killyclogher’s Tiernan McCann is one among many. According to Tiernan, “Times like these helps you to get things in perspective. There is no way I’m willing to risk playing a football match until the hairdressers reopen”. When informed that Kieran McGeeney is happy to let Armagh play, Tiernan pointed out that “It’s not comparing like with like. The Armagh team know they’ll be knocked out long before they reach the televised stages”.
Mickey Harte launched a broadside on hearing of this rebellion in the Tyrone camp and has warned his boys that there are men waiting in the wings who are willing to play whether the hairdressers reopen or not. There is Peter Canavan and Ryan McMenamin and the entire Tattyreagh team.
We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Tyrone Babies In Every County Now Due To Red Hand Back Door Exploits Since 2002
It has emerged that there are now over an estimated 7000 men and women with thick Tyrone heads on them roaming about all counties in Ireland due to Tyrone’s tendency to go the back door route every year in the All Ireland Football Championship.
With Tyrone already preferring the scenic route in 2019, experts reckon that figure might reach 8000 before the season is out. The Red Hand county’s massive male travelling support have continued to woo local women in counties such as Carlow, Meath and Longford, the majority resulting in fairly brief but productive courtships.
Having dabbled in the back door route since 2002, counties such as Wexford and Leitrim already have Tyrone-blooded 17-year-olds playing for their county minor teams.
Leitrim county selector Liam O’Touhill reckons he has three boys playing for the U17 team with unmistakeable Tyrone heads on them:
“You can’t miss them. They have that sort of permanent scowl on the faces, liking for country music and some of their actions on the field are questionable to say the least. It’s no coincidence that Tyrone played here in 2002. The first game was called off after 10 mins because of rain and I know a pile of Tyrone boys went drinking in Carrick-on-Shannon that evening.”
Tyrone play Longford next week, having played there seven years ago. The county board have urged their male supporters to do the right thing if approached by a seven year old and their mother.
Meanwhile, Peter Harte has described as ‘ludicrous’ the accusation that he purposely got black carded last Saturday against Donegal so that he could see Love Island live on the TV.
Tyrone Flags To Be Banned At Tyrone Matches
The GAA have decided to go on the front foot following the backlash to the arrest of a Tyrone supporter for flying a Palestinian flag in Navan at the weekend by banning the flying of Tyrone flags for their upcoming game against Carlow.
When pushed on the reasons for the new sanction, Croke Park officials cited two new rulings they thought up overnight in an underground bunker in Dublin:
Firstly, too many of the Tyrone flags have the Irish language on them. How are we going to get Arlene Foster to attend the Ulster Final when she has to look at Tyrone flags on the TV spelt out in their mother tongue? Secondly, we find the red hand offensive.
Guards in Carlow have been instructed to deploy water cannons and plastic bullets if necessary on anyone seen flying a Tyrone flag and to arrest anyone displaying the Tyrone hat, scarf or headband. They have also sounded a warning to Tyrone players not to be getting too excited when scoring and kissing the badge or something.
Meanwhile, Gardai have admitted they didn’t arrest other Palestine flag holders in Navan because they initially believed they were actually Carlow flags, and not because they eventually caught themselves on.
15 Years On – Some Armagh Ones Still In Therapy After 2003 All Ireland Final
15 years after Tyrone wrestled Sam Maguire from the applely clutches of their dear neighbours Armagh, Tyrone Tribulations took a trip around the Orchard county to see how they’ve managed to process the ordeal.
“F**k away off”
Mary Grimley, Armagh City
“I have to admit I’ve struggled with my faith ever since. Jesus or God said something about love thy neighbour but I just hate you b**tards. I prayed extra hard that you would lose the other two All-Irelands and my prayers weren’t answered. I have to admit, I’m wobbling here.”
Fr Peter McKenna, Silverbridge
“I’ve seen seven different psychiatrists and three faith healers in those 15 years and not one can erase the recurring nightmare of me walking towards a pot of gold only for Conor Gormley coming out of nowhere to block my path. Philip Jordan then falls over the pot and I get sent off.”
Joey Kernan, Crossmaglen
“Set one more foot on my land and I’ll blow your red handed arse off you.”
D Marsden, Lurgan
“Aye but sure we won it first. Have yous a cathedral?”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“I know for a fact that there was nothing wrong with Peter Canavan. He went off cos he was getting marked out of it.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
“Hasn’t affected me at all.”
Batman Ninjaman Robinson (formerly Joe Robinson), Maghery
“And another thing, Stevie McDonnell told me that McMenamin spent the whole game telling him all the Eurovision winners right back to 1958 and singing snippets from each one. Dirty tricks.”
E McNulty, Mullaghbawn
Neck Brace Machines Introduced To Churches For Busybodies
by Lee Turavod
The NAMMMTMP-OI (National association of Masseurs, Masseuses, Massage Therapists and Physios of Ireland) are this afternoon up in arms at the announcement of the imminent installation of neck-brace vending machines into the foyers of churches across Tyrone.
Church-goers pump an estimated 13 million pounds into the local economy paying for treatments due to the vast array of neck injuries which are simply part and parcel of the church-going experience.
Jimmy-Joe McElhatton, joint 22 time and still reigning ‘All-Ireland Mass Attendance’ (avg. 376 per annum) and ‘Wake Attendance’ (298 per annum) Champion, better known across the land as ‘The White-Waker’ due to his deathly pallor and motto: “I stay up with the body – anybody – anywhere”, and for handing out trays of Silk Cut Red wherever he goes, “The Lord’s Bine”, welcomed the introduction of the braces:
“Sure jaysus it’s tara altogether… me neck’s broke looking around to see who’s most failed, making a mental note of who hasn’t shown up and forcing myself to not look round and up to the faces of those singing in the galleries”.
When this reporter asked why he isn’t a priest, where he could just face the congregation and scan, stare and scrutinise to his heart’s content, Jimmy-Joe had to splash holy water around his porcelain temples and go for a “wee lie-down”. Hours later he told me how he’d been forced to walk away from Maynooth after 3 weeks after
“smashing the ligaments right out a me neck twisting it round to check if I’d left the tabernacle door ajar”.
NAMMMTMP-OI members will be picketing outside mass from this weekend. Neck braces will be available to hire for two pounds per hour. Correct change required.
Tyrone Struggling To Meet Dublin GAA Dressing Room Demands For Saturday
Tyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin.
The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.
A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:
– Heated benches
– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water
– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them
– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times
– grapes
– soothing classical music and strictly no country music
– No member of the public within a 400 year radius
– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern
– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly
– a ping-pong table
– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel
– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh
– a temporary runway for landing and taking off
A Tyrone GAA sources added:
“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”
If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.
Boy Refused Entry To New School After Mother Forgets To Post Picture On Facebook
A First Year at a secondary school in Tyrone was turned away at the foyer of his new learning establishment after office staff confirmed his mother forgot to take a picture of him outside his house before he left.
Leon O’Neill (11), who says he wants to be an MOT inspector when he grows up, had to return home for a quick selfie on his porch as his parents had headed back to bed.
The Mid-Tyrone School secretary, Pauline Quinn, maintains the lad could have been anyone after they checked his mother’s Facebook page on arrival:
“Who in their right mind doesn’t post a picture of their child on their first day of the new academic year on Facebook with the hashtag #mybaby or #wheredoesthetimego, and then maybe compare it to the picture from last year? It was a serious lapse of responsible parenthood on Mrs O’Neill’s part and that’s why he was turned away. He could have been from Derry or Armagh or anything.”
Leon did return to school at 10am but missed the instructions from his first class to back his RE book, which will see him probably land in trouble on Monday.
Leon was also one of hundreds of traumatised pupils who caught their parents having a full-on party at home with nuts and wine after they were let out early from school.
Meanwhile, the school revealed they have already received 940 applications from pupils to attend an after-school electronics withdrawal therapy class.
Polygraph Van To Determine True Mickey Harte Loyalists In Tyrone
By Lee Turavod.
PSNI Communications Director Eamonn Lowe today unveiled a PSNI scheme to tackle the bickering, in-fighting, back-stabbing and outright violence that is currently tearing the county apart.
Tens of thousands of Tyrone fans are now returning to the fold having spent most of the current decade’s “wilderness years” relentlessly deriding the team’s style of play and arguing with family members, work colleagues and “anyone who cares to listen” for up to 16 hours a day that it’s time for Mickey to go.
Tyrone’s success in the last two years has prompted a dramatic u-turn by many of these fans but this is actually the root of a massive spike in incidents ranging from fairly run of the mill drunken punch-ups to full-scale pitched battles between the two categories of Tyrone fans.
According to Eamonn Lowe, the perceived hypocrisy on the part of the previously disillusioned Mickey-baiters is just too much for the Mickey-loyalists to bear.
Eamonn Lowe and his crack team of PSNI boffins have seemingly conjured up the solution. A special PSNI unit will tour the county in the next few weeks in a brand new Polygraphmobile offering a free lie detector test to anyone wishing to categorically prove that they remained 100 percent loyal to Mickey Harte during the long, lean and often bitterness drenched years since 2008.
This will then allow married couples, families, workforces to finally bury the hatchet, as those supporters who achieve 98 % or above in the 100 question test will then be given special status and responsibilities. These men, women and children will have their foreheads tattooed with a specially designed effigy of Mickey Harte’s face and will go out into their communities to absolve non-believers/ traitors of the guilt and shame they’re carrying.
PSNI psychologists pinpoint the “terrible burden” of these treacherous feelings as being the root cause of the anger and violence that currently erupts whenever the topic of the Tyrone county team is mentioned. The PSNI hope this new scheme will allow the whole county to once again unite behind Tyrone and Mickey Harte in time for the Croker semi-final at the end of August.
When pressed on how this new scheme will impact on the ultra hardliners who no longer even acknowledge that Tyrone ever won Sam and appear to believe that Tyrone actually lost to Donegal in their Ulster Semi-Final clash in Clones four weeks ago, Eamonn declared:
“There are some people on the extremes of society who we simply cannot reach…these people need to take a long hard look at themeselves…that is not our job.”
The Poygraphmobile will begin criss-crossing Tyrone from tomorrow. It begins in Moy before finishing up in Castlederg on the 32nd.
Process To Defrost Cryogenically Frozen Joe McMahon Begins After Impressive Donaghy Performance
Artist’s impression of McMahon defrosting
Despite attempts to prevent media hearing about the decision, we can categorically confirm that the initial proceedings to thaw out Joe McMahon who was frozen in a state-of-the-art cubicle in Garvaghey the day after he announced his retirement have been activated despite Tyrone being two difficult fixtures away from meeting the Kingdom.
Scientists have warned Harte and his backroom team that it will take up to 6 weeks to thoroughly defrost the Omagh defender, just in time for the All-Ireland Final if Tyrone were fortunate to get that far.
The reason for the early move appears to be the reinvention of Kieran Donaghy as a towering beanpole of a full forward, as witnessed by his destructive display against Galway at the weekend.
An insider warned us:
“Don’t be writing a story about this. McGeeney will be using it as an example of Tyrone getting ahead of themselves again. We’re only doing this in case we meet Kerry in the final, and it takes that long as McMahon timbers well over the winter.”
Specialists have also briefed Harte on other obstacles to overcome when McMahon is fully thawed, such as informing him on changes in world politics as well as what’s been happening in Emmerdale, of which McMahon is fanatical about.
“When Joe hears that Frank has slept with Charity behind Megan’s back he’ll go clean mad. Then there’s the whole stuff about the Tories and the DUP. It’ll take a good psychiatrist to get his head ready for Croke.”
Experts maintain the defrosting process cannot be rushed, with one wit claiming ‘it’ll be some summer for Tyrone – win, lose or thaw.’
£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday
Derry practising for Sunday
Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack.
In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.
An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:
We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”
It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.
Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.
Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.
Brokenshire Masters Tyrone/Derry Dialect After McKenna Appearance
The Secretary of State for Northern Ireland James Brokenshire, who attended the McKenna Cup gaelic football final in Newry, is said to have mastered the mid-Ulster vernacular after spending only two hours in the company of GAA aficionados.
Despite a drab, one-sided game, Brokenshire appears to have come away from the fixture all the richer from the experience and was even heard to say to his taxi-driver this morning ‘two hands for f**k sake‘ when his driver attempted to steer with one hand.
His advisor and former Conservative back-bencher, Tim Battleford, admitted he was shocked at how quickly Brokenshire has embraced his new surroundings, especially after last night’s attendance in Newry at the Tyrone/Derry final:
“We were watching the tennis this morning and he just jumped out of his seat and shouted at the umpire ‘away a that a ye referee ye bollocks’. The umpire hadn’t done anything wrong. Then when we were driving to the airport he saw a lollipop man stopping traffic and he shouted out the window ‘Hi linesman, are your f**king eyes painted on?”
Later, at Aldergrove airport, Brokenshire reportedly became irate at the length of time it was taking to get his satchel through security and was heard to roar “Let it in ta f**k wud ye“, a phrase he supposedly heard someone in the crowd shout at Colm Cavanagh as Ronan O’Neill made another fruitless run in the full forward line.
Brokenshire was also spotted chatting up his cousin this morning, probably another after-effect from the McKenna final.
Tyrone Tribulations 