by Lee Turavod

The NAMMMTMP-OI (National association of Masseurs, Masseuses, Massage Therapists and Physios of Ireland) are this afternoon up in arms at the announcement of the imminent installation of neck-brace vending machines into the foyers of churches across Tyrone.

Church-goers pump an estimated 13 million pounds into the local economy paying for treatments due to the vast array of neck injuries which are simply part and parcel of the church-going experience.

Jimmy-Joe McElhatton, joint 22 time and still reigning  ‘All-Ireland Mass Attendance’ (avg. 376 per annum) and ‘Wake Attendance’ (298 per annum) Champion, better known across the land as ‘The White-Waker’ due to his deathly pallor and motto: “I stay up with the body – anybody – anywhere”, and for handing out trays of Silk Cut Red wherever he goes, “The Lord’s Bine”, welcomed the introduction of the braces:

“Sure jaysus it’s tara altogether… me neck’s broke looking around to see who’s most failed, making a mental note of who hasn’t shown up and forcing myself to not look round and up to the faces of those singing in the galleries”.

When this reporter asked why he isn’t a priest, where he could just face the congregation and scan, stare and scrutinise to his heart’s content, Jimmy-Joe had to splash holy water around his porcelain temples and go for a “wee lie-down”. Hours later he told me how he’d been forced to walk away from Maynooth after 3 weeks after

“smashing the ligaments right out a me neck twisting it round to check if I’d left the tabernacle door ajar”.

NAMMMTMP-OI members will be picketing outside mass from this weekend. Neck braces will be available to hire for two pounds per hour.  Correct change required.