Category Archives: Creggan

Tyrone ‘Ghost-Oh-Buster’ Business Gets Off To Shaky Start

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Hamill

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A Creggan man who set up a business offering to rid houses of troublesome ghosts had mixed success with his first assignment earlier today at a house in Lissan.

Plunkett Hamill was called to the property this morning to deal with a noisy poltergeist after 56-year old housewife Finnuala Loughran responded to an advert Hamill had placed in the Tyrone Times which read,

‘Call Ghost-Oh-Buster to rid your home of scary other-worldly forces, like demons, devils and dwarves. Experienced with witches, ghouls, goblins, munchkins and much more. Two-for-one deal on exorcisms during July’.

Hamill said he arrived at the house to find the poltergeist in full flow.

“Aye, there was this really loud ghostly rattling in the pipes and radiators, really angry like, making lots of clanking and knocking noises. It happened every time the central heating came on. Terrifying, but I ain’t afraid of no ghost”.

However, Loughran’s exasperated husband, John Joe, raged:

“I’ve told her a hundred times but she won’t listen. The only thing those damned radiators need is a bleed key but I can’t find it. Poltergeist my arse. To be honest I haven’t the energy for this. I had a huge vindaloo out the Rupali in Cookstown last night and can barely move. In the meantime I have that bollix wreckin’ about the house”. He continued, “He’s an eejit. He waltzed in pretending to be one the boys out of that Ghostbusters movie, wearing a rucksack with a fire extinguisher in it and a pair of swimming goggles on his head. Clift”.

Hamill had a different view.

“Blocked pipes? Never”, he insisted. “It wasn’t just the noise, it was the smell too. I was tip-toeing along the hallway hunting out the poltergeist, and I started to notice this really foul stench, really powerful, like something evil from the very depths of hell itself had manifested itself in the house. It was just outside the toilet. Jaysus, my eyes were doing some deadly watering. I kept going, but I think it must have sensed me and left the house, because the smell went away once I opened a window. Explain that”.

Hamill also spent several hours this afternoon examining a strange substance which he initially believed to be ‘solidified ectoplasm’, which turned out to be a half-eaten naan broad.

Loughmacrory People Live Longer. Better Lovers Too.

McAleese after a session with the wife

A group of European scientists have confirmed that people from Loughmacrory live longer and are also more rampant at night. This revelation came as no surprise to the locals who have kept their longevity and virility a secret for fear of outsiders inter-breeding with them and damaging their golden gene pool. The report also suggested that those who lived on farms in Loughmacrory were particularly romantic at all times in the day. Retired headmaster, Hugh McAleese, admitted that although he was happy to see their name on the world map, he was also wary of boys from Omagh, Tattyreagh or America attempting to attract their girls such was their new-found reputation.

“We’ve known this for years. I’m 121 and have no signs of wear and tear. The average age here is about 76. My father had no record of birth but he reckoned he was over 150 by the time he succumbed to a hunting accident. Although there were only 14 in our family he was said to have fathered 60-odd around the country. He was a farmer and there seems to be a correlation between farming and copulation. Them farming girls would be running around buck naked after lads all time of the day. I think it’s the smell of silage and the noises from the livestock. By all accounts, my da was as randy as they come,” McAleese said before offering a seductive wink.

McAleese put forward his theory that because most farming house had no upstairs, it left the farmers with more energy at night not having to climb a flight of 12 steps or so like those houses in Mountfield or Creggan.

“Speaking from personal experience, I went from a three-story house in Drumnakilly to a small farming bungalow at home after I inherited my father’s farm. The wife saw some change in me. I’d come in at six, slap the dinner into me and sure most of the time we just lay down on the spot. We didn’t know whether we were coming or going with all the antics we’d be at. Long healthy lifestyle, endless horizontal dancing – we’ve the life of it in Loughmacrory. C’mere and give us a kiss ye wee cat.”

The Northern Ireland Tourist Board are looking into the potential of a tourism hotspot for stag and hen nights but are sure to meet resistance in the village. In 1996, a similar attempt to tap into the area’s mysticism saw a government official stripped and superglued to a gable wall outside the pub.

 

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