Monthly Archives: September 2015
In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.
In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.
NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:
“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”
1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.
“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”
The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.
A well known Greencastle entrepreneur, photographer and triangle player is under pressure tonight to explain away the dubious photograph he allegedly took of the unusual red moon last night from his back garden.
Diarmuid O’Develane (38) posted the photo on Facebook, after previously telling everyone in Greencastle not to take any photos of the moon as he would supply the definite Greencastle picture to the world in all its brilliance.
The picture, which raises many concerns, drew a rash of abusive comments from friends and family who went to bed early last night in the knowledge that Diarmuid was representing Greencastle with his state of the art Kodak camera. O’Develane’s uncle and former press photographer was first to comment on the supposed ‘Red Moon From Greencastle’:
“Expect us to believe that, ye bollox.”
A friend added fuel to the fire:
“The next time I see ye Diarmy I’ll ram that Kodak up yer jacksie.”
An ex-girlfriend remarked:
“Stunning. (being sarcastic).”
O’Develane finally weighed in to the debate, defending his picture:
“A lot of you people here don’t understand digital photography so I suggest yiz shut up. It was a deadly windy night and the WiFi connection was coming and going so all-in-all it’s a decent photo. I’m the one who had to stay up to 4am in the cold, drinking gin.”
A Greencastle GAA player immediately replied:
“Sure how come I saw you tweeting a picture of yourself in bed at 10:30 watching Downton Abbey, drinking gin? Get up the road, Diarmy.”
O’Develane courted controversy last year when he posted photos of himself at the World Cup in Brazil when he was actually in his house watching all of the Game of Thrones series.
Déjà vu from 3 years ago….though the ending might need changed
The mood in Dromore has been described as darker than the deepest recesses of outer space since their senior football side were defeated in the county final last Sunday. Not since 1838, when an English tourist labelled Dromore as a ‘bleak poor hilly town’ in a holiday brochure, has the ‘Large Ridge’ found itself wallowing in a slough of self-pity and despair. No bins have been collected, cattle milked nor men washed since the loss four days ago and the outlook shows no sign of improvement. Housewife Katie McCarron refuses to see any light at the end of the tunnel:
“It’s buckin ridiculous now. Jaysus, I know the football is big an all in Dromore but these lads need to catch a grip of themselves. My husband, a stalwart on the team, hasn’t taken a shower since Sunday morning. He’s still in his muddied kit, just sitting and sleeping on…
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Pope Francis, who has been lauded as one of the more progressive popes in recent centuries, surprised worshippers during an open air Mass in Philadelphia with an audible outburst during a minute’s silence for private intentions.
The Pope, who momentarily forgot he had a microphone wired into his robes, finished the silent minute with a quite clear ‘C’mon Urney te feck’ before blessing himself and carrying on with the rest of the ceremony.
Urney supporter and jersey washer Harriet McElhinney is adamant that, as expected, God is on the side of the West Tyrone men as they prepare for the Intermediate final against Edendork:
“We’re not getting complacent or anything but surely this is a sign that the man above is watching over us in our pursuit of senior status. Pope Francis is obviously keeping a close eye on Urney St Columba’s this year. I’d say he’s not overly fond of Edendork what with their gambling and all in that bingo hall. And St Malachy wasn’t half the man Columba was. Sure didn’t Columba build a monastery in Derry with his own hands, plastering it himself and him with his back broke from rowing back and forth to Scotland for sand.”
Papal officials confirmed Francis did not know his microphone was on at all times and apologised to Edendork players, officials and supporters, adding that McCurry would ‘take some watching’.
Meanwhile, the Vatican have granted Urney an audience with the Pope this week but have yet to decide whether or not to accept the gift of a bottle of home-made poitin after recent figures suggested 98 bottles of wine are consumed per person in the Vatican per year. Pope Francis maintains accepting the gift would be a bad start for his ‘Go Sober In October’ initiative.
A year ago today…..
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at…
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One of Tyrone’s most accomplished linguists, Terrence McNeill, is currently floating in a capsule in space as he prepares to become the first Irish man to work on the International Space Station.
McNeill, who can fluently speak over six languages from his stove-fitting experiences in Dungannon, will install a state-of-the-art stove in the Russian quarter on board the ISS after winning the contract from another tender in Lithuania. The Drummurrer man was rocketed off into space from Houston last night and is currently aiming to park his space capsule ‘Meenagh’ some time tonight if he can line it up correctly and soberly.
His wife, Anita, revealed it was a great honour for their family:
“We always knew he was deadly at the stove fitting and deadly at the languages so he’d be a deadly boy for fitting stoves up there for the Russians. I can’t relax though til he parks it as he’s liable to have a couple of drinks on him and might overshoot the parking bay and blow the whole thing up. I hope not. I also hope the diarrhoea has cleared up.”
McNeill underwent 3 weeks of intensive training in America before the launch and although he failed 90% of the tests, the Drummurrer man convinced NASA officials he’d work it out up there as he was ‘good at thinking on his feet’. At a packed conference he explained:
“I’m sure it’s just like parallel parking. I’ll put the shoe to the burd, get her docked and then pile into the ISS with my tools and get wired into the stove. I’ll be out by Monday I reckon. I’m just worried about the diarrhoea.”
McNeill has promised to tweet aerial pictures of Drummurrer, Annaghnaboe and Cloghog from space.
PSNI officials have reminded the general public that they will not be attending any more reports of wasp fighting in the county, especially along the west coast of Lough Neagh, after over 400 cases were phoned in over the weekend by worried neighbours.
An unusual breed of German wasp arrived in Tyrone last week and have taken a particular liking to local ferns and brackens in East Tyrone on which they get highly intoxicated. The drunken wasps, having already serviced the queen bee, have been at a loose end and appear to have used the free time to take on the people around Ardboe, Brocagh and Derrylaughan.
Adding to the volatile nature of the situation, locals have taken to alcohol to relieve the stress of being stung on a daily basis, creating a deadly cocktail of lethal and often fatal drunken violence.
Local journalist and part-time stand-up comedian Concubar Grimes explained:
“I’d maybe take the wife down to the shore for a bit of canoodling at the weekends but last weekend was impossible. The roads and loanans were full of men and women, reeking of drink, swiping at the wasps with their fists, sometimes connecting with each other by mistake. And then that would start a whole other handlin. You can almost hear the wasps laughing, or maybe that’s just the buzzing. Anyway, I had to take the wife to Coalisland cinema instead but it closed in 1986 apparently.”
Police want to remind people that there’s no law at the minute to charge the wasps with drunken flying or drinking in public.
A skirmish broke out in Brocagh this morning after a freshly inebriated wasp attacked an unsuspecting priest during a local funeral, resulting in the persistent wasp and its immediate family being publically excommunicated and cursed with the threat of eternal damnation.
Following the news of David Cameron’s alleged affection for pigs and other porcine related animals, Dungannon Piggery have hired extra security after members of the UUP, Sinn Fein, SDLP, DUP and even the Green Party were spotting loitering suspiciously outside the wire fences which keep the pigs safe from harm.
Piggery owner and animal-lover Caoimhin Bacon revealed he was not overly surprised at the allegations against the UK’s Prime Minister:
“I’ve known for years that men in a governmental position develop an affinity with all manner of pork, from wild boars to the common domestic pig. I even remember an Alliance politician who was mad into the warthogs. I don’t understand it myself but I suppose it takes all kinds.”
Bacon (55) maintains that the allegations against the English PM will encourage some current MLAs to become slightly bolder in their pursuit of their porky pleasures:
“Even this morning I spotted a Sinn Fein MLA working in cahoots with a high profile DUP politician trying to lure a crowd of sows over by throwing a pile of truffles at them. The Asian Pot-Bellied pig seems to be a big favourite of the SDLP lads so we’ll be keeping a close eye on that one too.”
The Dungannon Piggery Ltd have installed electric fencing around their premises since this morning’s revelations and have hired over 200 security men who previously worked at the old defunct Tyrone Brick factory. One of the heavies, Padraig McDonald, admitted that this was much harder work than his previous employment:
“At Tyrone Brick all we had to do was keep an eye out for young teenagers looking to steal bricks to throw at the Brits and to make sure they didn’t lift too many. This work is much harder. I even caught one MLA from Carrickmore this morning in a field, dressed up as a tree and moving inch by inch towards our premises. Sleeked enough characters.”
Dungannon Piggery is closed to the public until further notice.
Mickey Harte has been offered another two years at the helm of the Tyrone Senior football team despite a brave but ultimately disastrous bid for the job by Brocagh man Charlie McGorry.
McGorry (61), who started showing an interest in GAA after watching the Dublin/Fermanagh quarter-final in August, was told he did not need to turn up for the interview part of the process following a calamitous practical when he was asked to take the senior panel for one coaching session up in the Garvaghey complex.
A member of the squad, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:
“It was a shambles. The county board told him to bring his own bibs and cones. Didn’t he turn up with bibs you’d put on a child and a packet of ice-cream cones. It was obvious that this man had never kicked a ball in his life.”
Things went from bad to worse when he produced from his bag a Black & Decker 18V Ni-Cad Cordless Drill Driver from Homebase, telling the players that he had been instructed to do some drills.
“It was at this point that we realised Mickey was safe for another while. I wouldn’t let this eejit train an under-8 side. He even brought us crisps for afterwards and they were all McCoy’s Salt and Vinegar. Mickey never gets us Salt and Vinegar as he says they’re fattening. He brings ready-salted Weightwatcher’s crisps.”
Meanwhile, Gavin Devlin has denied prepping McGorry for the job and therefore purposely sabotaging his chances of usurping Harte.
The new British Army Irish Guards GAA side, who will play in the junior championship in London after being narrowly voted in by the county board, have been complimented by external coaches for their excellent lifting skills as well as their ability to ‘take no prisoners’ by being ruthlessly aggressive in attack.
Carrickmore man and GAA coach, Jackie Gormley (53), admitted he was taken aback by how quickly the army adapted to the finer skills in the game:
“I haven’t seen lifting like that since I was a lad. These boys are natural at the lifting and shooting. They’re a ruthless shower when they see the target and I wouldn’t be surprised if they take a few major scalps in their first season. We’re very keen to get these lads back to Carrickmore for a kick about. They will get a warm welcome.”
Galbally native Killian Morgan, who is building train tracks in London, revealed he is also eager to get the army side over to his home parish for a ‘friendly’:
Yes, I’m sure the lads back home in Galbally will be excited about having a crack at the British Army regiment side in our home patch. We’ll put on sandwiches and mineral and sure get wired into each other when the ball is blown up. I mean thrown up. We’ve a great young sharp shooter at corner forward this year. A real wiry sniper if there ever was one. We’ll be hoping to launch a few high ones on top of their rearguard as well.”
The regiment, nicknamed the Micks, will play under the Irish name Garda Eireannach, and are rumoured to be in sponsorship talks with Land Rover.
In what some worshippers are calling ‘a wee bit extreme’, Fr Franny Bay has ordered his choir to practise singing traditional hymns using standard received pronunciation and not in a local east Tyrone accent.
The move comes in the wake of a few high profile visitors to the parish from Rome and in anticipation of more in the coming months. Fr Bay, who attended speech and elocution lessons as a teenager and has been commended for his clear verbal skills on recent TV and radio appearances, has warned his choir that he’ll personally sack any singers who continue to use local pronunciation.
He added during his homily:
“That man from Rome can speak English better than me but he couldn’t make head nor tail of the singing. He even asked me if they were singing in Irish. I told him they were but heard my own confession as soon as he left. In ‘Take Our Bread, We Ask You‘ it’s not ‘tick air bread, wa ass ye‘. No wonder Fr Pablo was confused. I’ll be visiting your homes over the next week for spot-checks’.
Fr Bay extended his advice to the rest of the non-singing congregation, recommending they watch more shows on BBC1, especially the news or documentaries:
“When Fr Pablo reached the church this morning, an elderly parishioner who shall remain nameless shook his hand and asked him, ‘Do ye spake the english, Farr?’. The poor Father thought he’d arrived in South America or Africa. I’ll never get promoted to the bishopric if the Holy See come here to inspect me and are greeted by you lot. Buck up your ideas, people. An award for me is an award for you.”
Meanwhile, the Clonoe’s priests have thanked worshippers for last week’s collection of £788 which will go towards a well deserved holiday in Ibiza for the three of them.
Cappagh Grammar School have reassured parents that their children can resit their GCSE Geography after all 33 pupils failed to achieve higher than a U this year. Early reports suggest a major problem with the Geography teacher’s knowledge of the planet outside of Tyrone, with one pupil complaining that her teacher told them Russia didn’t exist and that Drum Manor forest park in Cookstown was a real Irish rainforest full of South American tribes.
Mr Kelly, who has been teaching at Cappagh Grammar since 1999, also admitted to believing Europe and Asia etc were called ‘incontinents’ and that mountains were man-made by Egyptians.
Ex-pupil and IT guru Patsy McGlade revealed:
“We’d warned the school about Mr Kelly. Sure he told us back in 2002 that rain was formed by the Chinese and that the earth has 4 moons – the quarter, half, 3/4 and full ones – going around it. The penny dropped after we left school and bit by bit found out that everything he taught us was wrong. For me, it was when I found out that lap dancers don’t come from Lapland.”
Another past pupil, Kenny Willson, remembered:
“When we were studying oceans he told us that there was no such thing as tides and that people were just walking closer to it or further away and couldn’t remember where it was the last time. We never questioned him. When he said that Russia also didn’t exist we should have worked out he was a fraud. But he was very convincing. He said Russia was like Narnia and made up by the Americans.”
Cappagh Grammar are to fund the resits of GCSE Geography and have reassured students that the Sperrins are not a collection of simmering super-volcanoes ready to blow, as they were previously instructed.
Following a day of turmoil in Stormont, things appeared to go from bad to worse after dinner when apparently Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff accused UUP leader Mike Nesbitt of using the last of the HP Sauce, in badness, and threatened to get Alex Maskey if he did it again.
With tensions running high after Peter Robinson stepped aside as First Minister, Arlene Foster reportedly told Nesbitt that there was another full bottle of HP Sauce in the cupboard and to go ahead and use the last of the brown sauce on the table.
McElduff, who had been sitting at a different table finishing his soup, reportedly ‘went clean mad‘ when he searched for the brown sauce to complement his sausages, champ and beans only to find an empty bottle on its side and Nesbitt slurping on his lasagne drenched in his favourite condiment. Tempers were calmed initially after Foster admitted she was to blame for the mistake, only for things to hot up in the chamber when they retook their seats.
Politics student Lennie Rafferty, on work experience with the SDLP, described how it kicked off:
“There was a tension in the air when they recommenced the day’s agenda after dinner but it all boiled over after Mike Nesbitt started licking his lips and rubbing his belly in front of Barry McElduff. McElduff lost it and there was a free-for-all with the two of them having to be separated by a rake of minor MLAs. Several punches were thrown. Even Arlene got a dig at Alban Maginness.”
Rafferty explained how the ruckus ended when McElduff shouted “I’ll phone Maskey now“.
“You could see Nesbitt’s face go all white and he looked nervous enough as he straightened his suit and made his way to his seat.”
Meanwhile, Sinn Fein issued a statement tonight apologising for McElduff’s outburst but said they understood how eating sausages and beans without HP could send any man, woman or beast over the edge.
An experimental device aimed at precisely identifying the time husbands leave a pub in Coalisland will be activated this weekend during a month-long trial run.
Hawkeye, a complex computer system used officially in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, and soccer, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a record of its statistically most likely path as a moving image, has been adapted to signify human movement outside the pub, with the results directly fed back to anyone wearing the special sensor watch, in this case the plethora of doubting wives in Coalisland.
Mary Coleman, who initially championed the idea after her husband repeatedly told her he left the pub at 1am every night despite probably rolling in at a suspected 4am, added:
“This’ll solve the arguments for once and for all. The majority of us wemen are usually fast asleep by midnight so there’s no knowing what time they left the pub at. But he’d have a deadly head on him in the morning despite saying he left the bar at 1am. I reckon they’re heading to a house for more beer. Hawkeye 2.0 will clear up the mystery.”
Kieran Coleman, who has been married to Mary for 33 years, reckons Hawkeye should be unmercifully ripped off the pub’s outside pillar as soon as the owner’s back is turned:
“This is just PC gone mad. Next they’ll be having umpires standing at the door of the house waving a red flag if you’re a good bit later than closing time or a green one if you make it on time. Not only will Hawkeye meet a sorry end this weekend, that watch of hers will be trampled to smithereens if it goes off prematurely and maybe me sitting in the living room watching Pointless. I’ve heard of a ref’s watch buzzing three days after a point at Croke Park which was waved wide at the time.”
Mrs Coleman reminds wives that the special Hawkeye sensor watches can be bought outside Landi’s for £29.99.
In a remarkable similarity to the recent McDonald’s McMór controversy, County Armagh residents are considering a week-long protest after it emerged that the delicious Red Hand Hot Dog, which has been on sale in over 40 Tyrone fast food outlets since they beat Monaghan in the quarter final, will not have its licence extended outside of the confines of Tyrone’s borders.
The Red Hand Hot Dog has been labelled as the most succulent sausage in a bap ever tasted in Ireland, merging the finest pig meat from the county with fresh homemade baps, and has seen hordes of Armaghicans swarm over the Blackwater every night to feast on an estimated 800 hot dogs on a weekly basis.
Charlemont man and hot dog aficionado, Kevin McNicholl, fumed:
“This is partitionist, racist, xenophobic or something. Why are Tyrone people happy to take our money when we travel to their county to eat these delicious sausages but won’t allow us to serve it in our own county? Sure do you ever see us banning our apples from being consumed in Tyrone? They’re just being mean-spirited. So much for taking the bun out of politics.”
Moy chip shop owner Leo McPollin, the first person to make the food, admitted he had no interest in extending the selling rights to any outlet in Armagh:
“Armagh ones have no right to be looking the licence for the Red Hand Hot Dog. They’ll probably ruin it with apple sauce or something like that. And I refute the accusation that I’m racist. I’ve a dog reared in Maghery.”
A ‘We Exist Y’Know’ rally is to be held in Armagh City tomorrow from 2pm-4pm with protesters urged to come dressed as baps.
Colm O’Rourke, the ex-Meath hatchet man and RTE pundit, has admitted to feeling ‘mightily relieved’ and ‘a little bit embarrassed’ after finally getting to the root of the ‘bad smell’ which he originally thought was following the Tyrone football team around the place.
O’Rourke, who visited his GP in the aftermath of the Tyrone/Monaghan quarter final after a particularly bad stench, was told by his doctor that the smell was in fact emanating from his own mouth, known in the medical world as Orificium Manuritis, or ‘talking dung’ in layman’s terms.
A friend of the Navan headmaster told us:
“Colm is a happy man tonight. He couldn’t understand why the foul smell would worsen every time he analysed Tyrone games. Don’t get me wrong, the smell was always there no matter what he was harping on about but any time he mentioned the ‘T’ word it went into overdrive. He thought it was coming from the Tyrone squad but we now know he was just spouting shite from his own orifice. It’s a great relief for everyone. Orificium Manuritis is apparently contagious, especially amongst journalists, so it’s important to manage the outbreak.”
RTE have promised to help O’Rourke during his rehabilitation process and will bar him from analysing Tyrone games for 24 months.
Meanwhile, a source from within the Tyrone camp has revealed that Mickey Harte has called an emergency squad meeting this week after watching last week’s ill-tempered semi final between Mayo and Dublin. It is thought that Harte believes Tyrone are ‘still too nice’ to compete with the big three and has called in trainers from the other semi finalists to share their acute expertise in diving, feigning, sledging and off the ball skulduggery which was brilliantly executed on Sunday, at the highest level.
Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.
Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.
Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:
“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”
Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:
“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”
Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:
- Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
- Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
- Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
- Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
- Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
- Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
- To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town
McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.
News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly
Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east
TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.
We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.
More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.
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