Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.
In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.
NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:
“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”
1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.
“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”
The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.
A Clonoe man who set up his own business over a year ago is hoping that 2014 is the year he finds success.
33-year old Dylan Carson, from Washingbay Road in Clonoe, set up a wasp-keeping business last April against the advice of family, friends, neighbours, botanists, colleagues and passers-by in the street. The entrepreneur was adamant that the insects would be producing ‘jam by the hive-load’ in a matter of weeks.
“Waspkeeping is the new beekeeping”, said a confident Carson. “Read the papers and they’ll tell you bees is on the way out. They’re the same as the dinosaurs, expect smaller and buzzier. That’s why I got ahead of the game and got some wasps. I don’t think I did it right last year which is why they didn’t lay any jam. But I’m older and wiser this year, and I’m feeding them fresh strawberries and apricots. Not long now boys, not long now”,
he said, eagerly rubbing his hands together.
Carson admitted that the project had had ‘a few minor teething problems’, including an incident when he got stung over 200 times after accidentally sitting on one of the nests, and then finding out he was allergic to wasp stings.
“Aye, that’s one of things you learn as a waspkeeper that you don’t really realise. Wasps can sting a wee bit. Jaysus, that was some month in hospital. My arse was all swolled up like a balloon. Not having a proper waspkeeper’s costume was what did it. I just used an old balaclava and a pair of gardening gloves. Some handlin’ wasps”.
Challenged about the merits of keeping wasps, Carson was forthright in his explanation.
“Wasps? What’s wrong with keeping wasps? There’s stranger things that people are keeping and no-one bats an eyelid, like books, or houses. Or goals. It’s just a matter of understanding the wasps, see?” he said. “A lot of wasps have got anger management problems, but really when you get to know them they’re friendly craters. All that’s needed is a bit of tender loving care. They’re nice wee things”, he said as he slammed a wasp against the window with a rolled up Dungannon Observer. “Apart from that one”.
If successful, Carson plans to offer his services to others by becoming a wasp whisperer. He had a previous business which failed in 2012, when he discovered that moths were unable to produce marmalade.