Category Archives: Dungannon
Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon.
Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:
“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”
Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:
“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”
Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.
Many new wood pellet boiler owners have complained that installation of home-boilers has become almost impossible due to a clerical error which saw all instructions printed in Irish and Polish since September 2016.
Over 2500 boilers remain uninstalled in areas such as Fermanagh, Dungannon, Ballymena, Bangor and Holywood. As a result, political commentators are predicting a shocking u-turn regarding the DUP’s stance towards the Irish Language Act.
Willie Harper (57) from Caledon in the Clogher Valley, a third cousin of a prominent DUP politician, maintains it’s a stitch up by Sinn Fein or someone ‘fenian with an agenda’.
“How the hell can I install my boiler when the first words are ‘dia duit’? My neighbour says it’s pronounced ditch. Well that’s where the fcukin thing will end up. I looked at the last page and it says ‘oscail an doras’. Who’s Doris? There’s a pile of farmers going to Irish night classes in order to get the boilers up and running. It’s a scam.”
Insiders claim that senior DUP figures have softened their attitude on the idea of an Irish Language act since this news broke. An annonymous backbencher told us:
“I’m nearly sure I heard Nigel Dodds greet Foster with ‘A h’Arlene, cad é mar atá tú?’ They’ve started on it already it appears. Sure even the chickens in Moy Park cluck in Irish as they had to get Irish-speaking boiler men to install the RHI boyos and the chickens picked it up.”
A DUP election poster asking people to ‘vótáil Dodds’ was quickly removed in East Belfast
As thousands of St Brigid’s Crosses were being made in schools and homes across the country today, an esteemed Omagh historian has confirmed that Brigid was indeed extremely cross and maybe persistently grumpy all the time, even moreso than your average woman in Tyrone today.
Reportedly born in Louth around 453, a young Brigid was said to be a cryey baby due to never-ending teething problems which, locals maintained, never really went away throughout her later life. Omagh historian Luke Graham added:
“I’ve spoken to a few people whose ancestors remembered Brigid and they confirmed that she was fairly crabbed most of the time due to teeth problems amongst other things. She also turned water into beer for visiting clergy and maybe suffered from hangover symptoms. But she was definitely very cross, with warnings often given out to worshippers that ‘Brigid’s cross today’ before she performed a mass.”
Brigid’s mood worsened after being sent to Kildare to start up a convent, a place she reportedly called ‘the arsehole of nowhere’, despite hinting that she’d prefer the bright lights of Dublin or Belfast. Rumours also persist today that she wasn’t hopeful of Kildare competing for the Sam Maguire in the near future, even though GAA was still 1800 years away from forming.
Graham this morning revealed a startling and little-known fact about the great saint:
“Brigid used to make these boomerang things out of rushes and fire them at her pupils if they misbehaved. They’d take the eye out of your head. Pure lethal. When the rumour went around that ‘Brigid’s cross today’, you were sure to see the woman herself arrive with a creelful of rushes under her arm, gurning.”
Brigid once visited Dungannon but didn’t like it.
Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.
A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’.
Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.
“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”
Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.
“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”
As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.
The sight of a donkey watching EastEnders and drinking tea in a Dungannon living room has become a more common occurance after it emerged that the “bedroom tax” will apply to housing benefit law in Northern Ireland from February 2017.
The range of ultra-domesticated animals in the greater Dungannon area include cattle (bulls and cows), sheep, goats, pigs and even horses. A Housing Benefit assessor explained the unusual scene he was met with when he paid a visit to a NI Housing Executive tenant in the town at the weekend:
“I should have been alerted by the noise and smell but just thought the TV was up loud and maybe the toilets were broken. On passing the living room window, I witnessed what could only be described as a goat vacuuming the room with an apron on it. And it stays in the spare bedroom apparently.”
Legislation currently fails to rule out adopting an animal as a dependent, preventing the payment of bedroom tax. The loophole cannot be fixed for 12 months due to the imminent Stormont collapse, resulting in thousands of housing association dwellers in Dungannon taking in 4-legged family members.
“It’s a bigger scam than the RHI debacle. These townspeople don’t know how to handle large animals. I visited a house outside the town and a donkey had dunged all over the stairs. Is it really worth that for a few pounds onto your rent a month?”
Owners have been warned about keeping bulls in houses joined onto other houses with cows as residents. Two such dwellings were wrecked last week after the bull bored a hole from one house to the other to get to the cow.
A new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.
After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.
In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:
NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!
- ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
- EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
- OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
- DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
- CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
- TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
- DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!
NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!
- JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
- SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
- DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
- 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
- MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!
NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!
- CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
- MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
- UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
- REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
- SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.
NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!
- JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
- MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
- TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
- MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
- and much, much more
Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99
An anonymous Dungannon man has finally spoken about the secret support groups set up all over England to help exiled natives prepare for the trip home over the Christmas period. The document below, produced as evidence of the extensive networking system especially in north England, clearly sets out a seven-point plan which most will need to complete within the next few days in order to stave off THE FEAR, as it’s known across the water.
- REFAMILIARISATION OF LOCAL VERNACULAR
It is likely that some local words have now left your vocabulary during your time abroad. It even might also be a case of changing definitions. Two of the most common mistakes are misunderstanding the true meanings of ‘lethal’ and ‘deadly’. In England, these may be adjectives to describe something untoward and nasty. However, in Dungannon and suchlike, it couldn’t be a higher compliment. If someone says the burger you’re eating is ‘deadly’, don’t chuck it away for fear of catching something fatal. It’s probably delicious. The weather might also be deadly. That IS bad.
- FACIAL REACTIONS
If someone comes up to you and says that Joe Herron is now a vegan or a cross-dresser or going with someone from Armagh, look completely shocked even though you haven’t a clue who Joe Herron is, because you’ve been away a long time. Say something like ‘Holy God, but I’m not surprised, he was always a bit..you know…’. That should get you out of that hole.
- PALATE DESENSITISATION
It is likely you have been eating a wide range of food in England. You need to train your tastebuds again to like pepper sauce and garlic fries. A Coalisland epicurist who worked for ten years in Landi’s in the town will be secretly flying over to Manchester this weekend to give a crash course on this.
- HAND-SHAKING FITNESS REGIME
Many exiles have sleepless nights over forgetting how to do the handshake at Mass, therefore outting themselves as a lapsed churchgoer whilst in England. Follow this program to pull off a natural and supposedly experienced handshake. This is also useful for going to the pub with an elderly relative.
- SUBSCRIBE TO THE IRISH NEWS NOW
The death notices need to be read daily with a whole day given to browsing archive deaths since you’ve been away. This is crucial. Don’t be asking about dead people during Christmas dinner with The Pogues singing in the background. It’s a real mood killer and you’ll likely be on the plane home that evening. Also, memorise how the local club got on too. Pretend you keep an eye on their results.
- REMIND PEOPLE AT HOME THAT SCARCE TOYS ARE NOT READILY AVAILABLE IN ENGLAND
Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. People will still believe England is an exotic land full of everything that we can’t get here and will want you to bring home kilos of presents, with a promise of ‘sorting you out’ financially when they see you. Turn off your phone at night. They will also expect you to bring home spices and stuff.
- DIG OUT YOUR CHARLIE PRIDE/NATHAN CARTER/GARTH BROOKS CD
You need to know the chorus of all songs likely to be sung around midnight in most drinking establishments. Friends In Low Places is a must.
Double World UFC Champion Conor McGregor’s great aunt, Teresa McGregor, is to tour the county this Christmas to give talks on Conor’s time spent living near the White City in Dungannon at the age of 7.
McGregor, who moved to the town for 12 months when his Dublin home was infested with squirrels in 1995, attended St Patrick’s Primary School for the duration and is fondly remembered by his teachers at the time.
Mrs Jones, who taught Conor Woodwork and CDT, recalled:
Even back then he was a formidable character. One day we were each making a chair and he was very good at it whereas the other lads could have been making turnips for all they looked like. He was jumping up and down shouting ‘shut yer fookin mouth you’ll do nuttin, get the fook outta here’ to some lad who said he’d make a better chair than Conor. He was very confident.
Conor was suspended soon after for telling the principal that he’d obliterate him if he didn’t let him go to the toilet.
Teresa McGregor also reminisces how Conor made an impression around the town at the weekend.
He’d head into Woolworths and buy a load of crayons and draw loads of mad animals all over his body. Then the next thing you’d hear him shouting out of the top window of Tom Morrow’s shop ‘where’s my fookin belt? Get me my fookin belt!’ He was very particular about his clothes, even at that age.
McGregor’s time in Dungannon is fondly remembered despite arriving with a troublesome reputation after reportedly beating up 15 babysitters before he was three and getting barred from Funky Monkeys in Dublin for eating the plastic balls.
Rumours persist that McGregor and Sean Cavanagh are to share a sweet chili chicken sandwich at the Deli on the Green at Linen Green this weekend although it is thought that Conor expects Sean to foot the bill.
With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:
“Pile of shite” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“The hell do I care” – MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK
“What are you really sellin?” – DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON
“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?” – B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE
“Balls” – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH
“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.” – ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE
“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.” – E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“Still shite, stop asking me.” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?” – A FOSTER, TRILLICK
“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week” – JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH
“Super, my hole” – FR FAY, CLONOE
In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year.
Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.
The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.
Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:
“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”
It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.
“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.
The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.
A new weight loss programme set up outside Dungannon claims its targets are ‘realistic’ and not oppressive like other similar initiatives.
‘Skinnymalinks’, set up by former 33-stone layabout Tommy Weldon from the town, urges its members to work towards modest goals such as ‘walk to the Chinese instead of getting a delivery’ and ‘try not to eat cake every day’.
Weldon, who dropped to 25 stone after a year’s Skinnymalinks dieting, explained:
“These other slimming fads place too value much on science and ask things that are almost impossible of dieters such as eating fruit and vegetables. It’s a common sense thing to say that if you walk to the chip shop or Indian takeaway you’re probably burning up half the meal anyway in exercise. And if you walk really fast you can probably have prawn crackers too.”
Skinnymalinks also recommends other unusual weight loss ideas such as cutting a cake up really quickly to burn more calories with frantic wrist action as well as leaving one or two chips on the plate after a fish supper.
“We’re not into treat days or sins or what have you. Just keep doing what you’re doing but just do it slightly faster. The rewards mightn’t show on the scales all the time but it’s all do to with convincing yourself you’re healthy.”
Mr Weldon also advises new members to wear heavier clothes for the first weighing session, with no limit on layers.
“Some weeks we don’t weigh you at all and just take a generous guess by the look of you.”
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
A Dungannon woman is suing Facebook after her holiday was ruined because its app was not working right in Portugal on her phone.
The White City mother, who spent 10 days in the Algarve, maintains she wasn’t able to upload photos for two whole days and more importantly was unable to comment on others’ posts for the whole vacation.
Cathy Mullan added:
“Listen, everyone knows Facebook is the new novel. Years ago you’d have seen holidayers reading books on their loungers. Now we all know snooping on Facebook has replaced that so don’t judge me, ok? I wasn’t able to give my comments on Turkey, Nice or the picture of a baby doing the Rocky moves. It was killing me. People must think I don’t care.”
Worse still, Mullan was unable to upload picture of her dinners, legs at the beach and children for TWO WHOLE DAYS due to a data issue on her phone’s service provider. The mother of two has promised to take Zuckerberg the whole way:
“Facebook are a joke. It ruined our holiday because my moods were all over the joint. I had a brilliant pic of my legs on a lounger but it wouldn’t upload. Then I’d a photo of young eldest one eating a mussel and the same result. How the hell am I meant to let people know how good a time I think I’m having? And I’d deadly things to say about Turkey too. Zuckerberg, you’re toast.”
Mullan admitted she was able to upload a picture on the last day of her husband playing crazy golf with a red head on him and a pair of long shorts but revealed it was ‘too little too late’.
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
A Dungannon woman was made to wait over 145 minutes after security was called during her check-in at Belfast International Airport due to a message she received at the moment of mobile-device scanning.
It transpired that Moira McFerron was checking in using her smartphone app when her husband, at home in Dungannon, decided to send her a picture of his backside in an attempt to keep her happy. The image of Denis McFerron’s posterior appears to have caused a serious malfunction in the airport’s multi-million pound high-tech computer system, resulting in a series of delayed flights as well as two cancellations.
Moira, who collects money for a range of charities, maintains she hadn’t a clue her husband could do something like that:
“Why the hell would I want to see that man’s arse? Sure I’d only left the house 3 hours earlier and was only going to be away for a lock of days in total for a hen trip. What he did has ruined the holiday. Especially when the police printed out the image, magnified. Denis has got the whole sexting things arse about face, in more ways than one.”
Aldergrove admitted they’d experienced a near-terminal computer malfunction after an attempted mobile phone flight ticket scan:
Denis, who was unavailable for comment today, received a smart phone as a 50th birthday present last week and had apparently been getting carried away about how quickly photos could be sent and had already been cautioned for sending his neighbour a photo of his wife showering ‘for an oul laugh’.
Despite almost universal critical acclaim after his two concerts in Dublin at the weekend, Bruce Springsteen was said to be reeling after it emerged a group of Dungannon country and western fans were left unimpressed by the American singer, lamenting his decision not to even attempt Wagon Wheel and for ignoring their placards and pleas to sing ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’.
Springsteen (66), who played for over three hours during both concerts, wooed 150’000 fans with renditions of classics such as ‘Born in the USA’, ‘Born To Run’ and ‘Dancing in the Dark’ but it was the songs he left out which annoyed music fanatics in Dungannon.
Concepta Doris (49) fumed:
“We spent a fortune buying massive fake wagon wheel biscuits, stetsons and cowboy boots…and all for what? All he sang about were rivers and glory days and the USA. Not even a line from Wagon Wheel or Blanket on the Ground. People say he’s a great performer but you’re only as good as your ability to sing these classics and, in my opinion, Springsteen ducked it.”
Doris’ best friend Jackie Quinn went as far as asking for a refund:
“Even after two hours I still hoped he could stop with the crap and sing a few bonafide country and western tunes. But he copped out of it. I’ll be writing to Springsteen to ask for my money back. Even The Gambler would have done. But he kept harping on about the promised land and factories and sticking it to the man. Rock Me Mama was never happening.”
The 8-strong Dungannon posse staged a mass walk out at 10pm after which Springsteen sarcastically broke into a couple of bars of Margo’s ‘Dust on Mother’s Bible’.
Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.
In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.
Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.
The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:
“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”
Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:
“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”
The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.
Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
Following Arlene Foster’s comments that St Patrick’s Day was ‘too gaelicised’for unionist and loyalist communities, it is believed that Stormont have speedily passed a motion to re-brand St Patrick in time for 2017.
Early signs indicate that a bowler hat and a white horse may be added to murals depicting the Englishman who was kidnapped by Irish pirates and hated snakes. Omagh-born designer, Kieran McKinstry, revealed he has already submitted three sketches after being commissioned by the NI Assembly.
“Foster and McGuinness just said to ‘Prod him up a wee bit’. Foster wanted him sitting on a Lambeg drum but McGuinness felt that wasn’t very realistic so I decided on the horse and the hat. He already wore a hat anyway so it’s wasn’t too much of a stretch to visualise it.”
If successful, government officials will investigate the possibility of merging St Patrick’s Day and the 12th of July, maybe having it around the 14th of May and calling in Paddy Orangeman Day. Gertie Mullan of Dungannon was suspicious:
“Paddy Orangeman Day is a con. Everyone knows that if this happened the whole island will be stocious drunk that day, both sides of the divide, and then Stormont will pull a fast one and bring in water charges or internment or something with no one sober enough to argue or rally against it. They’re a pile of crooks.”
Meanwhile, recent papers found in a well in Downpatrick indicate that St Patrick hated the shepherding and was often caught lying down on the job eating fish and drinking rainwater behind trees.
An experienced Tyrone sportsman, who once ran, swam and cycled 12 miles in one day, maintains a mistake has been made with the Maria Sharapova drugs case. The Russian tennis superstar, 28, tested positive for meldonium, a substance she has been taking since 2006 for health issues.
Tony Cassidy (44) from Donaghmore maintains it’s simply impossible to take drugs and play tennis at any level, never mind competing in majors:
“This just doesn’t add up to me. I tried playing tennis in Portrush after about 9 pints and I missed nearly every ball that came over my side of the net. Any that I did hit went off the rim and straight back into my face. The game was abandoned when I got tangled in the net and had to be cut out by the fire brigade. So how the hell can this girl play world class tennis taking drugs?”
Cassidy, after a lot of technical analysis, believes it’s a ruse to cover up Sharapova’s lack of major titles:
“It’s a farce I think. Sharapova is probably worried she won’t be raking in the sponsorship because of her dearth of big wins so her team have concocted a story that she’s drugged to the eyeballs so wasn’t really fit to play these matches. If I played one of the Williams girls whacked to the eyeballs on dope or something I’d be bate 6-0 6-0 or maybe 6-0 6-1 if it started to wear off towards the end. Sharapova was winning the odd set so I’m not buying it.”
Cassidy wanted to remind sports people that drinking or taking drugs before playing games is not advisable unless you were an interested spectator watching a Cavan or Donegal game.
*Cassidy has since been arrested for swimming in Dungannon Leisure Centre whilst drinking margaritas.