Category Archives: Dungannon
Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.
Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.
Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:
“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”
Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.
In a shock Instagram post, Portuguese soccer man Cristiano Ronaldo has left his strongest hint yet that he may see out his glittering career playing in the Irish League for the struggling Dungannon Swifts.
The local Portuguese community in the town have been wildly celebrating the possibility of their national icon donning the blue jersey of the Swifts and have already purchased over 300 season tickets for the 350-seated stadium for the next two years.
Ronaldo, who turns 37 next February, was photographed reading an Images of Ireland book focused on Dungannon itself in a bid to possibly familiarise himself with important places such as the library, Hagan’s Bar and the Hill of the O’Neill and Ranfurly House Arts and Visitors’ Centre. It is also thought that he may join the leisure centre if prices remain competitive.
Long time Swift’s fan Roger McAree added a word of caution:
“He’ll have to earn his place on the Swift’s side. And he won’t be on the free kicks. We’ve a young lad from Portadown joining next year and he’s meant to be pure class at the dead balls. So, it’s great news and all but he won’t be given star treatment.”
When asked about the news, a friend of Ronaldo’s agent’s brother said ‘I’m not ruling anything out’.
Meanwhile, Dungannon GAA club’s footballers have also announced a new signing of sorts to rival the possible news of Ronaldo going to the Swifts. They’ve purchased a new coffee machine but will only share it with the hurlers on Thursdays.
A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.
Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.
“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”
Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.
Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:
- Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
- Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
- You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
- Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
- 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
- Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.
All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.
Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.
Following today’s free publicity in the Assembly by TUV leader Jim Allister, the 70 acre Dungannon Park area is to apply to have the idyllic oasis turned into one of the biggest GAA grounds in Ireland to be named after the MLA man himself.
The ambitious 70’000 seater stadium will honour the TUV MLA who hinted today of his wish for a modern GAA ground beside the Moy Road which could serve the whole of Ulster, even Monaghan, Cavan and Donegal.
Park ranger Tommy O’Colton beamed:
Fair play til Allister. I never knew of his deep-rooted desire to capitalise on the Dungannon success. This man is a visionary and should even have a statue of himself on the walkway in. Yer man Gildernew can pay in though.
Plans are already in place to have the All-Ireland of 2022, the Commonwealth Games and the LGBQT Games, of which Allister is a fervent supporter, to be played in the Park.
Parents who walk children in the area and feed ducks have been told to go to Peatlands or Drum Manor and to stop whinging.
Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Three Dungannon barbers have pleaded for no more customers after working flat out since last Sunday when it was announced that Dungannon Clarkes GAA club would play live on TV for the first time ever.
Timmy Timlin (56) admitted he had a mini-breakdown on Wednesday after 67 cuts within the first 3 hours, the majority asking for blonde highlights as well.
There were even lads like oul Colton the hurler walking in and him with frig all to work with. I gave him a Mohican and charged him a fiver. It’s just mental. I really worry if they get to the final. I can only do a two at the sides and one on the top really. The Mohican was easy.
Adrian Logan and Darren Clarke are also rumoured to be attending tomorrow night as well as Ken Maginnis, or Baron Maginnis of Drumglass as he prefers to be called at matches.
Dungannon will play Errigal Ciaran tomorrow live on RTE at 7.30pm and will be screened live at Curley’s.
In order to whip up county passion before the winner-takes-all Ulster Championship clash in a couple of months against Donegal, a dubious unofficial county merchandise company have jumped on the pandemic bandwagon to produce high quality ‘dreamy’ face masks for all ages.
You’re On Your Own Ltd have created a range of masks covering famous people, landmarks and songs from the county. Company spokesman Peter Pinkwhistle explained:
At this time, more than ever, we need Tyronnies to come together and show their support for our top players as they slug it out against the mountain men from Donegal. And how better to do that than have a bandaged dreamy Brian Dooher on your lips, or dribbling over the dreamy Ardboe Cross. The dreamy Blanket on the Ground one has already received over 500 orders, 498 of those from Pomeroy. They all have a highly technical dreamy effect outline done by my son on the Photoshop.”
The face masks retail at £9.99 and you can get a scarf and a hat thrown in for £20.
Future issues will included Ger Cavlan walking around Dungannon in jeans, John Lynch in leather on a motorbike in Urney and Sean Teague wrestling a horse with the one arm in a field near Kildress.
Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes.
Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.
Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.
Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:
“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”
Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.
It has emerged that the Department for Infrastructure (DfI) have already received three claims for pothole damage to cars from the new proposed Scotland to Ireland bridge, despite the fact the bridge will probably never be built.
It was confirmed that two of the claims came from Dungannon residents with the other coming from a single mother near Coleraine. A fourth claim was immediately dismissed as it detailed damage from hedges and overhanging branches, despite the supposed bridge being situated in mid-air over the North Channel.
DfI spokesperson John ‘Beefy’ McCoy has asked motorists to be careful with speed before setting out on the mythical bridge:
“We’re thinking of setting maybe a 60mph speed limit on the bridge if it’s ever built, reduced to 30mph around build-up areas. My message is, take it easy.”
Meanwhile, the Parades Commission have also received over 25 applications from various organisations who want to become the first to march down the new bridge which is unlikely to be built. As well as the Orange and Hibernian Orders, other proposals were received from The Society of United Pig Farmers and The Cookstown Sausage Secret Society.
The Moygashel Triangle Band are favourites to become the first band to play on the bridge.
A Cookstown joiner admitted he just forgot himself after he got the lining kicked out of him beside the bread section in the Spar in Cookstown for whistling the Wham! classic ‘Last Christmas’ despite it being early November.
Patsy Sheehy, a 45 year old father of 3 and a turtle, maintains he isn’t really a Christmas person and didn’t know why the song came into his head, possibly because he heard another Wham! number on U105 earlier that day.
“All I can remember is whistling and then I was being hit viciously around the bake with a baguette. And it wasn’t a soft freshly baked one. It was one of them hard ones.”
Sheehy admitted he may have been whistling Last Christmas as it was ‘a great ditty’ and he liked George Michael’s vocal range.
A PSNI official confirmed they had arrested a 92-year-old woman from the town who had a previous conviction for burning a Christmas tree which was unveiled in the town in November 1984.
In other news, the road between Donaghmore and Cookstown has been closed due to a loose cat which has been terrorising motorists.
Hard, thick-skinned semolina still dominates the Tyrone schoolchild’s diet according to health watchdogs after an investigation into the eating habits in canteens in the county for a hard-hitting Channel 4 show published their findings.
Additionally, sponge cake covered in pink custard appeared in over 85% of school dessert menus, often compulsory, as cooks across the county were advised to try some more adventurous dishes such as creamed rice or ice cream and wafers.
However head teachers have rejected the findings, claiming that Tyrone school children achieve high grades in exams due to their willingness to study over the lunch break rather than eat in the canteens.
Last week, a Dungannon student claimed he was served the same deformed three-legged chip two days in a row after refusing to eat it the first day. Governors at the school admitted that, although the claim may be true, it highlighted the financial constraints in education today.
Mrs Bullock added:
“We might even use that three-legged deformed chip as the cover page for our school magazine, as a sign of the times.”
Semolina has been a staple diet of Tyrone children for over 300 years and has been linked to their tendency to be under the average height for an Irish person since records began.
Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
The Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.
They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.
The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:
“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”
Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.
Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:
“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.
A Dungannon bouncer was celebrated across the county today after it emerged he managed to cut a soda bread exactly down the middle with a kitchen knife before loading it into the toaster this morning.
Patrick McNally, who, coincidentally, was sacked three weeks ago from his job in a bakery in the town for refusing to ice a cake with “Up Coalisland” on it, admitted it was a result of sheer determination as well as staying sober the night before:
“I’ve been slicing sodas for 44 years and never have I managed to slice her right down the middle. Last week I completely missed the soda and stuck the whole side of it into one section of the toaster. I’m delighted. If I can do it, others can with persistence and staying off the drink.”
McNally posted his achievement on Instagram, earning over 300 likes and 24 comments.
In other news, a Gortin woman reversed the whole way to Fintona last night.
Violent skirmishes have broken outside churches, parades and pubs this morning after it emerged that St Patrick not only loved a fry in the morning but that he also took a slap of beans with it.
The recent revelation emerged after a Strabane man discovered a drawing in his attic which depicted Patrick sitting down in a field near Dungannon, eating what looked like 3 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon, a fried egg, a fried tomato, potato bread, soda bread and mushrooms, all drowned in a healthy portion of baked beans.
Bean apologist Maggie Graham (58) from Aghaloo admitted it changes nothing for her:
“I’ve always been a big fan of Patrick and the fact that he slapped beans on the fry makes him even more of a hero. Some of the anti-bean brigade need to calm the frig down. There was no need for the boos during Hail Glorious St Patrick song at Mass this morning.”
However, Cappagh resident Henry Harris (71) was less accepting of the news:
That’s it for me. I always had my doubts about Patrick and his affiliation with Gortin GAA and all, but the beans thing disgusts me. From now on it’s St Brigid or nothing. Any man putting beans on his fry has a major question mark over him.”
Police have called for calm after rival beans-on-fry gangs were engaged in a 3-hour kicking session near Edendork Hall at 9am this morning.
Meanwhile the drawing has been taken to a big house for inspection.
A Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.
Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.
Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.
Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:
“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”
Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.