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Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2

FOR SALE

Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH

 

Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON

 

Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH

 

Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY

 

Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE

 

Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA

 

Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH

 

Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE

 

Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Public Toilet For Newtownstewart

Horns were blaring through the historic village of Newtownstewart tonight after the Tyrone County Council (TCC) announced they have granted permission to erect a public toilet in the centre of the Main Street. In the second of its kind in Tyrone, the TCC hope it will bring tourists to the hamlet and give the locals something to be proud of.

“We want the Newtownstewart people to puff their chests with pride when they see a foreigner stopping off to do their business in the toilet”, said TCC spokesperson Audi Pyper. “It’s a state of the art facility with velvet toilet roll, a flush that you hardly hear from the outside and these hand driers that blow air onto your hands. Call me crazy but I can envisage people from as far as Strabane coming here for a rattle at it.”

The Coalisland toilet debacle, May 2012.

The TCC will be keeping a close eye on the lavatory after the failed experiment in Coalisland earlier this year. A £10 million toilet was opened in the East Tyrone town but only one person managed to have a go on it. The celebrations were so wild after the first successful attempt at a flush that hundreds of frenzied locals began ripping the thing apart, in sheer excitement. It was only afterwards, when they looked at the rubble, that they realised what they’d done. Newtownstewart Lord Mayor Mary Murray told us that no such scenes will be repeated on her patch.

“I can assure the public that this toilet will stand the test of time. Anyone who gets too excited after the first successful usage and flush will be shot, no warning. Also, after the first roll of toilet roll is done, users will be asked to provide their own toilet roll or docken leaves. Anyone who blocks the toilet because of an unusually big stool will be banned, permanently.”

Schools in the area have begun an essay competition to see who will have first go on the new toilet, entitled “I’m Right To Have A Shite”.

paul g moss

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