Monthly Archives: February 2020

Tyrone Council Launch Bid To Find At Least 3 Decent Looking Males To Join County Breeding Programme

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Typical Tyrone man, happy.

Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes. 

Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.

Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.

Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:

“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”

Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.

Worry In Tyrone As New Secretary of State Has A Derry Head On Him

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Oul Derry head on him.

Brandon Lewis’ appointment today, who replaced Julian Smith as the NI Secretary of State, has caused much consternation in Tyrone as he clearly has a distinct Derry head on him.

In recent years, there has been a feeling in the county that Derry have been given money more readily towards infrastructure and schools and this will only increase suspicions of bias especially as the new man has a Derry head on him.

Margaret Dinny, a politics teacher from Omagh, confirmed our worst fears:

“He definitely has an oul thick Derry head on him. Those puffed red cheeks and attempt at a spiked haircut despite his advancing years is a classic south Derry look. And he’s always smirking. Bet the wee balax has a notion of his cousins too. We could be in for a tough time again in Tyrone. “

There has already been confirmation that one of Lewis’ first visits will be to Ballinderry to confirm that most of it is actually in Derry which is geographically incorrect.

There are also rumours that he may move the foot of the Sperrins out of Tyrone completely by doing some serious fracking around Greencastle in order to move the mountain range by force.

Poor Quality Of Australian Cabbage And Bacon Crucial To McShane Decision

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Ten days of sub-standard cabbage and bacon was reportedly the final straw for Cathal McShane after it was confirmed he will stay in Tyrone for 2020 instead of Adelaide.

Preferring the bleak and miserable setting of Leckpatrick, McShane was said to be dismayed at the presentation and texture of his favourite meal of champ, three sausages, brown sauce and a bacon and cabbage combo which he has eaten every day since he was 7.

Close friend and confidante Kieran ‘Tootsie’ Bagule revealed that this was only the tip of the iceberg:

There was no Emmerdale either or nothing. Corned beef sandwiches were also almost impossible to locate in Adelaide. And the tea was shite.

He also confirmed that McShane was asked to sing an initiation song at his first training session. The fact that no one knew who Garth Brooks was after he belted out ‘Friends In Low Places’ confirmed his decision to leave.

Rumours that his Adelaide Crows teammates complained of having to wear sunglasses during meetings, due to his bright white skin colour, were said to be exaggerated.

Man Who Was Fined For Being On Phone Whilst Riding Donkey Maintains He Was Passenger. Donkey MOTs Delayed.

55978261.LuxorJan061538A Benburb farmer has appealed his £30 fine for riding a donkey while phoning his girlfriend on a backroad near the Moy after he claimed that he was not in charge of the beast but simply a passenger. 

George Wallace (33) admitted he was on his phone to his girlfriend whilst sitting on the donkey’s back on his way to an illegal greyhound meeting when he was caught by three PSNI officers who were also on their way to the meeting.

However, Wallace argued that he did not set out on the journey with the donkey and only just embarked it halfway up the road, as you would a taxi.

There’s no way I was in control of that donkey. I just pointed it in the way of the Moy and sat back and relaxed. And I phoned the woman to remind her to turn the immersion off. I’ve never heard of a taxi passenger getting done for being on a phone.”

Meanwhile, donkey MOTs are to begin in March 2020 after the lifts which raises donkeys up were found to be suitable for left-handed donkeys only.

Three donkeys were turned away from the Cookstown MOT depot yesterday on a trial run for dunging in the centre.

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