Monthly Archives: February 2022

New Record For Strabane As Man Takes Three Hours To Find End Of Selloptape

Strabane have made the news once again after a 54-year-old mathematics teacher spent just over three hours trying to find the end of a Selloptape, missing an entire film he had been looking forward to in the process.

Johnny McIlhennon, who broke the record set by a Columbian trader in 1988, almost gave up after two hours of searching for the end, flinging the tape at a wall and calling it a ‘hateful b**tard’ and a ‘sticky oul tramp’.

His wife, Mary (68), phoned the Guinness World Record crowd for verification:

“Yes, they said it’s a record. This is the second time he has made that book, after breaking the record for trying to find the end of a bin liner for 85 minutes. The only disappointing thing is that he missed Rocky I which he had been looking forward to for ages. Not sure if it will ever be on again.”

McIlhennon’s frustration was furthered after he was unable to tape the window back up with the Selloptape after he’d smashed it trying to open it with a crowbar.

In other news, a wind farm owner in Claudy said it was his best weekend ever.

Leaked Paper Confirms GAA Have Offered Weekend In Bundoran For Ref Giving Most Red Cards In 2022

A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.

At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.

The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.

David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:

“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”

Windmill GAC Asked By FIFA To Compete In South American World Cup Qualifiers To Put Manners On Locals

Famed east Tyrone side Windmill GAC, who have never stopped training since their demise 30 years ago ‘just in case‘, has finally received a request to assemble the troops and embark on a 9000-mile journey to South America to play Paraguay, Uruguay and Bolivia in a 4-team tournament before the 2022 World Cup.

The call from international soccer body FIFA comes after a rash of red cards in a series of matches over the weekend in the qualifying tournament for the 2022 World Cup. VAR analysis has confirmed that most cases involved overacting from innocuous challenges, something which has angered soccer authorities on the Latin American continent.

FIFA spokesperson Audi Hammyton explained:

“We’ve had the Windmill on speed dial since they sorted out the West German side of 1982 after that tackle on the French boy. This is slightly different. We want the modern footallers down here given something to be genuinely rolling about the grass for. We’ll tell the refs that cards are only to be issued for breaks or heavy bleeding, and even at that used sparingly.”

WIndmill have already begun a short training programme in preparation for the first match against Uruguay on St Patrick’s Day. Spanish classes have been well attended, with the ‘slagging lessons’ at full capacity.

The Tyrone County Board has reassured Junior clubs in the county that Windmill have not applied to compete locally, yet.

Archive Photo Confirms Camel Racing Popular At Washingbay Sports In 1930s

Washingbay Sports, 1932

A 90-year-old photo which was found in the attic of a house near Brocagh last week has confirmed long-standing suspicions that camel-racing was a major pastime in east Tyrone in the early part of last century and was even competed for by Dubai and Saudi Arabian jockeys during the world-famous Washingbay Sports.

Experts have long suspected that potholes in the general area are a legacy issue from years of camels tramping the pathways and loanans to train before the sports day. Additionally, it may also explain the persistent rumours that every year half a dozen local women ran off to Saudi Arabia on the back of a camel to pursue studies in oil refineries and palace-building.

Local historian Imelda Cassidy (89) was delighted at the finding:

“This photo confirms what I saw with my own eyes as a child. There were loads of camels dandering about whilst the tug-of-war and egg and spoon race was on. At that age, we just thought they were native to east Tyrone. It wasn’t the only humping that went on that those sports but sure that’s for another day.”

Plans to reintroduce camels to the area have been strongly opposed by locals who fear an overwhelming rise in potholes would make all modes of transport redundant for at least 50 years.

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