Monthly Archives: August 2021
Are you the cutest hoor in Tyrone? If so, get your plans in order and attend the ‘Cutest Hoor In Tyrone’ competition to be held in a field in Augher on Sunday 5th September at 3pm.
The competition is expected to see 1000s of entrants with various degrees of cute hoorism ranging from grant-swindling to stinginess when paying for drinks in the pub. Male and female hoors who are just cute are asked not to apply.
Cookstown Foiled In Devious Bid To Become Hottest Place On Record. Thermometer Found In Glove Compartment In Datsun Sunny.
Cookstown’s attempt to oust Castlederg’s standing as the hottest place in the north of Ireland was foiled after it emerged their 36.6°C claim today was achieved by placing the town’s big thermometer in the glove compartment of a 1987 Datsun Sunny Estate.
The news follows on from Armagh being stripped of their claim when it was discovered that their big thermometer was placed beside a stove in a house near Maghery which still baked sodas over an open fire.
Stories have since emerged that the ’87 Datsun was owned by Owen Mulligan who organised the ruse in a bid to get people to flock to his pub in Cookstown for the weekend’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Barra Best, who checks record temperatures all over the world, revealed that today’s record most certainly won’t count:
“It most certainly won’t count. I nearly passed out when I opened the door of the Datsun. The ripped leather seats were smoking. Castlederg is still the hottest. Fact.”
Meanwhile, Kerry County Board have tabled a motion not to allow Tyrone supporters cheer over 10 decibels this weekend due to the levels of the virus in Mid-Ulster at present. Tyrone fans are to practice cheering ‘no louder than the sound of a leaf falling’ confirmed GAA HQ today.
An emotional Lionel Messi has agreed to help Tyrone out if their semi-final against Kerry goes ahead, after reading a ‘heartbreaking interview’ with Brian Dooher in the Irish News.
The diminutive Argentinian has already taken part in two sessions with the county, the first of which saw him emptied by Ronan McNamee.
Concerns that his presence may see McCurry relegated to the bench were allayed after the Edendork man defeated Messi in three consecutive bleep tests.
A squad insider told us:
“There was a bit of needle between McCurry and Messi initially, with the Dazzler repeatedly shouting ‘too long’ any time Messi had the ball. On Tuesday McNamee sent Messi into the ditch with the shoulder which convinced Dooher and Logan that springing him from the bench might be a better idea. He’ll probably come on for Sludden which is a straight swap”
Messi was said to be emotional after reading Dooher’s words regarding fielding a team due to Covid issues in the Irish News which he subscribes to for the horse racing and deaths.
The Argentinian has joined the Killyclogher Hurling Club for the week in order to be eligible for the game.
Top Tyrone Schools To Offer A-Level In Slabberin This Year. Will Lead To Masters In Slabberin in 2026.
Top examination boards have approved a new A-Level in Slabberin which will start teaching from September 2021 in three schools in the county. It is expected to see a high level of demand following concerns of the decline of good slabberers in the county in recent years.
Students will be able to specialise in various topics such as politics, farming, GAA, viruses, the TV, cars, and weekend activities. It is expected that a clear career pathway in Slabberin will be offered by universities through a Degree in Slabberin followed by a Masters in Slabberin.
Course director Gareth O’Neill explained:
“We hope to have over 300 Slabberin masters in Tyrone by the end of this decade. The art of slabberin has declined in recent years, with many young people stuck in their phones and not slabberin about anything that comes in to their head. We’ll be the slabberin capital of the world again.”
The first cohort of slabberers will cover a module this side of Hallowe’en on ‘shouting at football matches and general gulpin behaviour in public’.
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have told average to poor club players to stop running up and down the hill at Garvaghey, as they will not be picking new players if the current squad can’t fulfill their fixture v Kerry.